wrecked.
sunday
laying in a clawfooted tub
my wet hair plastered to my wet cheeks and bare breasts
crying in a way that i have never cried before
shame
guilt
agony?
pain....
i'm clawing at myself
the smell of cigarettes on my skin overwhelms me
i cannot make it go away
i cannot make it go away
i let my head fall back onto the edge of the tub in exasperation
my shaking fingers rub slower and slower
until i cannot move
im paralized
i lay there
knees open
the only sound is that of the scalding water
sprinkling down on me
i don't know how much time passes
a church
walking down the aisle
the dusk outside creating darkness inside
i walk to the front of the alter and fall to my knees
i lay prostrate and as the tears begin to fall
i shake
wailing in a quiet sort of pitiful way.
im sorry.... im so sorry......
stupid
stupid
stupid girl.
save me.
saturday
dancing.
drunken bliss.
the music is penetrating my brain
and becoming blury.
i don't want to take you home.
i don't want to sleep with you.
i told you that last time.
on my birthday.
you introduce me to one of your three cousins you are out with
dancing
my slender arms
held over my head
as you run your hands down my sides
your lips inches from my chest
this is 21
i let my head fall back and i laugh
i laugh
significantly buzzed.
you buy me another.
12:40am
last call.
dancing on cobblestones
to some oldie rock tune
resonating from the bar
you twirl me around
i laugh
holding my shoes
'what's your name again?'
being led down the street by the hand
holding my skirt up around my knees
four cousins
you hand me the keys
where did my group go?
i didn't come here with you.......
i drive
...sober up at my place...
then go home
i don't have any furniture
'.......sorry..... it's a mess.'
sunday
singing
arms in the air
lamb of God..... offered for us.....
falling on the bed
laughing
pictures
talking
about what.........
go home.....
please.
.....you take away the sin of the world.... have mercy on us.....
you're on me
what is going on
where is everyone else
hands
on me
a sort of disoriented shock
your head
between my legs
i attempt to sit up in suprise
but hands holding my shoulders stop me
screaming no inside my brain
it's too late
i can't choke up the words.....
im being groped
and kissed.
fucked up
what is going on?
...bread of life...broken for us.....
searching for excuses
'... you don't have any condoms.... this needs to stop.....'
'why?'
'i don't know you'
laughter
one is very forceful
more so than i like
....you take away the sin of the world....
'you guys....come on.... we don't have condoms....'
'awww...you can't turn back now.....'
you're inside me....
.....have mercy on us......
you're thrusting
too hard
too deep
the other is holding my arms back
and watching you
fuck me
waiting......
cup of hope.......emptied for us......
for your turn.
inside my shocked soul...
i try to make sense of what is going on.
i haven't screamed
i haven't told them to stop
well.....
it's too late now....
why did you let five drunk guys into your place?
you could have let them get a cab.....
you may as well try to enjoy it now.....
some girls dream of moments like this....?
slut.
...you take away the sins of the world.....
pain inside me
in my state of fear and confusion
i startle myself as my mind wanders to you.....
this is too rough....
too unfamiliar....
i trust you.
you are so familiar.
i long for your gentle kiss
your hands
your green eyes
and yoursmile.
stop....
oh God... stop.
it's too rough.
it begins to hurt.
you put your hand over my face
as you hold me down
i don't know why.
he doesn't stop.
'flip her over... do her from the back.'
.... and i am flipped over
like a ragdoll.
...have mercy on us.....
my fingers clutch the fabric beside my face
i hold myself up with my elbows
and bow my head to the sheets
disappear.
.....cup of hope.... emptied for us......
you put yourself in my mouth
as he does me from behind
i am paralized.
i can't do it.
someone please take me away from here
a hand...
i don't know whose....
grabs onto my hair.
hard.
pulling my head up.
horror.
horror.
....you take away the sins of the world.....
i don't know how much time passes.
i am finally able to pull away
'i can't.... please stop......'
i am finally able to voice the words....
but it's too late.
they stop.
too late.
passed out.
....grant us peace...
morning
i don't think i say more than two words....
do they remember?
one smiles at me.
tells me im gorgeous.
i stare.
did i smile?
i don't know if i will be okay......
i don't know what that was that happened.....
i am so confused....
but shhhhh... i will never call it......
stupid girl.