i'm a fraud
i realized about 2-3 minutes ago that i am not special. i am not special.
i am....a normal teenager. i watch reality television and text and record my shows on DVR and aim and download music on my ipod. and i dream and i sleep and i am a human being. and for some reason i feel lied to, because i've let myself believe for these 17 years that one day i will be special, that i am special, that people look at me and know that I AM SPECIAL.
but i'm not. i am not special, and i'm never going to find him. or maybe i will but i don't know i just don't know and i don't know what to do. i'm not special, i'm the type of girl who goes behind the school and lets a guy feel her up and then lets him walk away. i am that type of girl. and i am the girl who gives up and i fantasize about something thats not gonna happen and i let myself believe it for far too long. and i'm not special and i'm not going to change the world and everything i know is crashing down.
what do i do? i don't know what to do. i can't live like this any more. i need something to live for and i don't know what to live for anymore. i'm not special, nobody loves me. I LET A GUY FEEL ME UP AND HE STILL DOESN'T CARE. my dog is dying and i feel like its the end of the world and i can't deal with anything. why can't i understand why can't anyone love me the way i need to be why doesn't anyone understand. please god i don't know help me. i'm just a normal teenager. i'm just a girl.
i'm not special and i don't know how to make myself be. and maybe this is just one bad night because its after finals and i'm worried and nathan is a douche but i feel so helpless. i feel like i need to not think. and i wish more then anything that my fantasy would come true and i could get away from here. i wish that i could live and know how to live and not have to lie and run away. i wish i was stronger.
can i make myself stronger? how do you do that? void, someone....just tell me. a magic answer and a prince charming would be all i needed. i have to be stronger and i'm going to be. i am. but tonight is a bad night after a bad week and you know what? i need this right now. i need to be weak for this one night.
tomorrow. tomorrow i'll be stronger. tonight i'll call him and i'll let him say he loves me. because i need something tonight. i need to feel like i matter to one fucking person on this planet.
don't judge me. please god don't judge me. this is what i need. i'm sorry, i'll be stronger in the morning. tomorrow. it'll be better tomorrow.
i am....a normal teenager. i watch reality television and text and record my shows on DVR and aim and download music on my ipod. and i dream and i sleep and i am a human being. and for some reason i feel lied to, because i've let myself believe for these 17 years that one day i will be special, that i am special, that people look at me and know that I AM SPECIAL.
but i'm not. i am not special, and i'm never going to find him. or maybe i will but i don't know i just don't know and i don't know what to do. i'm not special, i'm the type of girl who goes behind the school and lets a guy feel her up and then lets him walk away. i am that type of girl. and i am the girl who gives up and i fantasize about something thats not gonna happen and i let myself believe it for far too long. and i'm not special and i'm not going to change the world and everything i know is crashing down.
what do i do? i don't know what to do. i can't live like this any more. i need something to live for and i don't know what to live for anymore. i'm not special, nobody loves me. I LET A GUY FEEL ME UP AND HE STILL DOESN'T CARE. my dog is dying and i feel like its the end of the world and i can't deal with anything. why can't i understand why can't anyone love me the way i need to be why doesn't anyone understand. please god i don't know help me. i'm just a normal teenager. i'm just a girl.
i'm not special and i don't know how to make myself be. and maybe this is just one bad night because its after finals and i'm worried and nathan is a douche but i feel so helpless. i feel like i need to not think. and i wish more then anything that my fantasy would come true and i could get away from here. i wish that i could live and know how to live and not have to lie and run away. i wish i was stronger.
can i make myself stronger? how do you do that? void, someone....just tell me. a magic answer and a prince charming would be all i needed. i have to be stronger and i'm going to be. i am. but tonight is a bad night after a bad week and you know what? i need this right now. i need to be weak for this one night.
tomorrow. tomorrow i'll be stronger. tonight i'll call him and i'll let him say he loves me. because i need something tonight. i need to feel like i matter to one fucking person on this planet.
don't judge me. please god don't judge me. this is what i need. i'm sorry, i'll be stronger in the morning. tomorrow. it'll be better tomorrow.