(no subject)

[pray4winter]

I've been hiding a lot of things lately...feelings mostly I guess. I figured by not dealing with them maybe somehow they would just disappear. But as always they came back to haunt me and what started out as a fun night, turned into a whirlwind of bad feelings rushing back to me at once. The most frustrating part is, I can't articulate what these feelings are doing to my insides, but I can say they're tearing me apart. I am a complete and utter mess. When those feelings came back and bit me on the ass tonight, I cried and I mean really cried, a downpour from my eyes, for the first time since the death of a close friend. What is happening I paused and asked myself. Could I really be feeling what I think I am feeling. Mad, sad, depressed, frustrated, alone, scared all at once? Let me put it this way...I feel like my heart is torn between twenty different feelings which I can't even process all at once. And yet I feel like I'm not waving but drowning in a sea of my own feelings. Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? they say. Everyone keeps telling me "Talk about your feelings" But how can I do that when I can't even begin to process how I must be feeling. I can't even feel what I am feeling. I am numb, completely fucking numb right now about these feelings that are destined to come out. The first stage of grief is denial, but how can I deny something I can't even begin to figure out? I just...I guess...I miss him more than words. I miss him more than the flowers miss the rain in a drought. I miss him more than ski hills miss the snow because of global warming. I miss him more than children miss their mothers when they are gone. Most of all I miss him more than I miss anything that could ever be taken from me. Right now you could take my life away, and I wouldn't care, so long as I could see him agian. So long as I could feel him next to me again. So long as I could hug him or hold him in my arms one more time. But that's life right? Things get taken from you without your consent. He wasn't my property only someone that meant the world to me. Someone who made my life feel meaningful and made me feel so loved. I guess I should just face the fact that people are taken, without warning, and without reason. Just taken. I wish things would just find their way back to normal but I know this will never be. In truth I will never be ok...I will always struggle with the pain of this death. MAybe I should just think of it as another line in my book. Death is so senseless and yet the more I lose, the less I feel.
The less I feel, the more I just want to forget. And the more I want to forget, the more I slip deeper and deeper into the hole I am in. Feelings, they're a tricky thing. Right now I just want time to end. My heart is broken beyond repair. Maybe if I lie here a little longer things will make sense again....or maybe they never will. So here I sit, sinking into the puddle that is my tears, not waving but drowning.