For blainewanderson: Time to Share

[prancysmurf]

Kurt's noticed, even if Blaine's been trying his best to hide things from him. This is the man he intends to marry, for God's sake, he knows him inside out. Every smile, every emotion behind his eyes, every taste to his lips. He recognises the stale taste of alcohol when they kiss, or when Blaine's smiles don't radiate out as far as his eyes. But

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[blainewanderson]

Blaine gargled with Listerine again, swallowing it with a bitter expression, assuming it was enough to cover the fact that he's slowly but surely developing a nasty habit of being unable to cope without drinking. There are the excuses of course, he is going through a hard time, he'll stop when he feels better, his Dad does it and he's successful, right? It is only excuses, and he knows it deep down, but it hasn't stopped his sojourns to the guest house to drink alone and cry, hiding everything from his family, from Kurt, hoping against hope that one morning he'll wake up and feel normal again

[prancysmurf]

"No occasion," Kurt answered, reaching up to grab at Blaine's face, pulling him back down into a proper kiss hello. There was that taste again, well masked by mouthwash, but there all the same.If he hadn't spent the last two years of his life kissing Blaine Anderson, Kurt probably would never have noticed.

"Sit down?" He asked when the kiss ended, foot kicking out the chair nearest his own. "I want to talk to you, for a minute." Now, before he lost his courage, or someone came home and interrupted them.

[blainewanderson]

"Uh, okay..., sure," Blaine said with a confused frown, licking his lips self-consciously. Kurt had on his serious face.

"Is Burt okay? Everyone okay?" he asked, threading and un-threading his fingers, not quite able to stay still.

[prancysmurf]

"Everyone's fine," Kurt promised quickly, aware that he was making Blaine anxious. He didn't want that. Reaching out, he placed his hands over his boyfriend's, holding them steady, squeezing them for reassurance.

"This is a really weird question, okay? Just tell me... what do you think, when you look at that cake? Be honest."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine smiled tentatively at him, then shook his head in confusion, looking at the cake. "Uh... a party, a celebration? Something good happened? Cake is happy. Cake is a way to make something good better?"

He sighed. "Which only makes me wonder why you have it, really. Nothing good has happened," Blaine blinked back tears, he really, really didn't want to get into this. He wanted to fake everything was fine.

[prancysmurf]

Kurt could see the tears forming, and a large part of him hated himself for doing this. But he had to make a point, or else this would just keep happening, over and over. Reaching for the knife and plate he'd prepared, he cut a slice out of the cake and placed it between them

[blainewanderson]

Kurt's words washed over him like a wave, a tsunami of emotions that pulled up inside him, squeezing his heart tight in his chest. He knew him so well, like he was transparent to him, but it had been that way for so long, Kurt smart and intuitive, empathetic and kind, his soul-mate in every sense of the word. Tears rolled down his face, splashing down onto his pants. He didn't stop them or wipe them away. It didn't matter now. Kurt knew. He knew he was hiding behind a fake smile, he knew he was drinking to cope, to sleep, even though he honestly thought he was being careful, his parents certainly hadn't caught on

[prancysmurf]

As Blaine started to fork up the cake, Kurt dutifully did the same. He'd made a deal, and he was going to see his end of it through. The sticky sweet dessert stuck in his throat, the taste so at odds with the anxiety in his mind. He remembered eating cake as though it had been nothing, and the taste... it still tasted good. He just wished his brain would let him enjoy that aspect, without thinking about calories he wasn't meant to be counting, and the bathroom scales that he wasn't meant to be using, and his reflection that he was meant to be learning to love.

Forcing himself to swallow, Kurt reached for Blaine's hand and squeezed it tight. "Nobody's perfect, Blaine. Nobody. Even Alexander McQueen had lines that were less that critically acclaimed." He smiled, trying to keep things as light as possible. "I don't love you because I thought you were perfect. I love you because you're you, unique, full of strengths and weaknesses. And God knows you wouldn't still be here if you were only interested in having a perfect boyfriend, either

[blainewanderson]

Blaine watched him, the hesitancy was still there, it scared him, even if he hated to talk about it, it was always there, he could lose Kurt, a million different ways. They would never be safe.

He squeezed back just as tight. "I want to be the man you deserve to have Kurt. And I feel like I fall so short of that. You would not be going through what you are going through now if I hadn't put that doubt in your mind because of my own weaknesses."

[prancysmurf]

There was a joke ready on Kurt's lips, to lighten the mood, when Blaine mentioned falling short. But then his boyfriend started blaming himself for Kurt's own illness, and... no. He couldn't let that thought fester.

"No, Blaine," he said, supportive but firm. "What I'm going through? That is not your fault. And don't think for a moment that it is. No more than it would be your fault if I had cancer, or heart disease. I'm sick, and that's just life, like every other illness out there. You? You make it bearable. The only thing you have ever done is help me. I swear that. On everything that I hold dear."

[blainewanderson]

He swallowed hard, looking down, putting the back of his hand across his face as his shoulders started to heave and he began to cry, inconsolable tears running down his face. "This would NEVER have happened if I hadn't made you doubt yourself, made you doubt us, this is my stupidity hurting you, I deserved to lose you, I deserved to never have your love again, and when I heard those shots, I kept thinking, I deserved to die, I didn't want to, but I deserved it, for hurting you, for hurting everything, and it's not the same as cancer, I know this has to be my fault, you were fine before I was with Eli, I'm so sorry, Kurt.... soooo sooorrrrryyy," he stopped trying to talk, his chest heaving with the effort just to breathe, giving into the tidal wave of grief and guilt that he held inside.

[prancysmurf]

More than anything, Kurt wanted to be able to take Blaine's pain away, but it was becoming increasingly clear to him that it wasn't going to be that simple. And, if he was honest with himself, he'd known that for a long time. Since Eli, maybe even before then. Ever since he'd known Blaine, there'd been that occasional sadness that he saw when Blaine didn't think he was looking his way.

Right now, he just wanted to get him away from the clinical environment of the kitchen, but the cake still lay half eaten in front of them. And he wasn't going to shirk in his side of the deal, no matter how tempting that was. Going for the fork, he shovelled another load into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before he had time to think about what he was doing.

"In less than a month, you're moving to New York," he spoke to break the silence. "We are going to move in together. Be together all the time. And if you still feel like this, then, I know a good doctor. But please, if you can, believe me when I tell you that I blame you for nothing. I was

[blainewanderson]

Blaine sobbed rather pathetically around his fork, looking like a lost child. But when he finally glanced up, he took a deep breath, putting down the fork and taking both of Kurt's hands in his. "This is going to be alright, I promise. I swear. We will have our happy ending. We'll both be better," he said with great intensity, the idea of the doctor floating around now in the back of his mind. He knew something was wrong with him. Something similar but not exactly like Sierra, but his parents buried it long ago, unable to deal with two sick children, and demanding that Blaine 'man up' and stop being a cry-baby. It didn't exactly take, but he got fairly good at hiding his feelings. Until Kurt.

[prancysmurf]

"We'll both be better," Kurt repeated, hands tight around Blaine's own. He wanted to believe those words, so desperately, and he figured there was a good chance so long as they stayed together. They were invincible, together, and always would be.

"Because we're gonna look after each other, right? And we're always going to be there for each other."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine nodded enthusiastically, trying to smile around his sobbing, which was quite a feat but he managed. "Always, Kurt. Always. I can't, I just can't at all, picture my life without you in it. It's like I cease to exist at all. You're my Narnia. You can't ever go back to seeing wardrobes when you know that everything you ever dreamed of is just right there, ready to touch," he babbled, sniffling, inching his chair closer so he could lean into Kurt's embrace. His arms were home, and he needed to feel less lost right now.

[prancysmurf]

Pulling Blaine in close, Kurt held him tight, rocking slightly on his chair.

"Shall we go up to my room?" He suggested, wanting to be somewhere more comfortable than the kitchen table. "The cake can come too."