For blainewanderson: Time to Share

[prancysmurf]

Kurt's noticed, even if Blaine's been trying his best to hide things from him. This is the man he intends to marry, for God's sake, he knows him inside out. Every smile, every emotion behind his eyes, every taste to his lips. He recognises the stale taste of alcohol when they kiss, or when Blaine's smiles don't radiate out as far as his eyes. But

Comments

[blainewanderson]

Kurt's words washed over him like a wave, a tsunami of emotions that pulled up inside him, squeezing his heart tight in his chest. He knew him so well, like he was transparent to him, but it had been that way for so long, Kurt smart and intuitive, empathetic and kind, his soul-mate in every sense of the word. Tears rolled down his face, splashing down onto his pants. He didn't stop them or wipe them away. It didn't matter now. Kurt knew. He knew he was hiding behind a fake smile, he knew he was drinking to cope, to sleep, even though he honestly thought he was being careful, his parents certainly hadn't caught on.

He picked up a fork, he was going to do this. For Kurt, for himself, for them. He could see by the look on Kurt's face what this was costing him, and it made him equally proud of his boyfriend, and ashamed he had made him do this just for Blaine's sake. "We are, and it's not that I don't love you, please know that, it's that I don't want to be an additional burden on you. You are going through so much, I shouldn't be the straw on the camel's back. You deserve... perfection. And I fail at it. Every day. No matter how much I want to be the dapper Warbler you fell for, I'm so filled with cracks, I just can't be. And it makes me feel like I'm failing you. Trapping you. A perfect boyfriend would have been able to process what happened, dealt with it. And I can't. I can't sleep, I keep... hearing the gun go off. I keep thinking about how bad it could have been. What if it was a killer? Not an accident? What if...." Blaine put the forkful of cake in his mouth, stopping his own words, not wanting to think about everyone in that room being dead and gone, the blood, the loss.

A watery smile played over his face. "It's good, stupid delicious cake."

[prancysmurf]

As Blaine started to fork up the cake, Kurt dutifully did the same. He'd made a deal, and he was going to see his end of it through. The sticky sweet dessert stuck in his throat, the taste so at odds with the anxiety in his mind. He remembered eating cake as though it had been nothing, and the taste... it still tasted good. He just wished his brain would let him enjoy that aspect, without thinking about calories he wasn't meant to be counting, and the bathroom scales that he wasn't meant to be using, and his reflection that he was meant to be learning to love.

Forcing himself to swallow, Kurt reached for Blaine's hand and squeezed it tight. "Nobody's perfect, Blaine. Nobody. Even Alexander McQueen had lines that were less that critically acclaimed." He smiled, trying to keep things as light as possible. "I don't love you because I thought you were perfect. I love you because you're you, unique, full of strengths and weaknesses. And God knows you wouldn't still be here if you were only interested in having a perfect boyfriend, either."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine watched him, the hesitancy was still there, it scared him, even if he hated to talk about it, it was always there, he could lose Kurt, a million different ways. They would never be safe.

He squeezed back just as tight. "I want to be the man you deserve to have Kurt. And I feel like I fall so short of that. You would not be going through what you are going through now if I hadn't put that doubt in your mind because of my own weaknesses."

[prancysmurf]

There was a joke ready on Kurt's lips, to lighten the mood, when Blaine mentioned falling short. But then his boyfriend started blaming himself for Kurt's own illness, and... no. He couldn't let that thought fester.

"No, Blaine," he said, supportive but firm. "What I'm going through? That is not your fault. And don't think for a moment that it is. No more than it would be your fault if I had cancer, or heart disease. I'm sick, and that's just life, like every other illness out there. You? You make it bearable. The only thing you have ever done is help me. I swear that. On everything that I hold dear."

[blainewanderson]

He swallowed hard, looking down, putting the back of his hand across his face as his shoulders started to heave and he began to cry, inconsolable tears running down his face. "This would NEVER have happened if I hadn't made you doubt yourself, made you doubt us, this is my stupidity hurting you, I deserved to lose you, I deserved to never have your love again, and when I heard those shots, I kept thinking, I deserved to die, I didn't want to, but I deserved it, for hurting you, for hurting everything, and it's not the same as cancer, I know this has to be my fault, you were fine before I was with Eli, I'm so sorry, Kurt.... soooo sooorrrrryyy," he stopped trying to talk, his chest heaving with the effort just to breathe, giving into the tidal wave of grief and guilt that he held inside.

[prancysmurf]

More than anything, Kurt wanted to be able to take Blaine's pain away, but it was becoming increasingly clear to him that it wasn't going to be that simple. And, if he was honest with himself, he'd known that for a long time. Since Eli, maybe even before then. Ever since he'd known Blaine, there'd been that occasional sadness that he saw when Blaine didn't think he was looking his way.

Right now, he just wanted to get him away from the clinical environment of the kitchen, but the cake still lay half eaten in front of them. And he wasn't going to shirk in his side of the deal, no matter how tempting that was. Going for the fork, he shovelled another load into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before he had time to think about what he was doing.

"In less than a month, you're moving to New York," he spoke to break the silence. "We are going to move in together. Be together all the time. And if you still feel like this, then, I know a good doctor. But please, if you can, believe me when I tell you that I blame you for nothing. I was fine before... before Eli, yes. And I was fine after, when we sorted things out between us. That wasn't what made me sick. I don't know what made me sick. I didn't even realise I was sick until Isabelle made me go to a therapist. And she, and the doctors at the hospital, they all thought I had a meltdown because I felt out of control. And yes, one of the reasons they gave was the fact that I was in a long-distance relationship, but none of us could help that. It's not your fault you were born a year after me. And I don't blame you for it. I always knew I had your support, even if it had to be down the phone. It was my dad's cancer, more than anything, that made me freak. And the final nail in the coffin was when Brody moved in, and then Santana. When I felt like I didn't even have any say in who lived in my apartment. So if you want to blame someone, blame Brody, blame Santana... but not yourself. Never yourself. Because I know you love me. I know you find me attractive. I've never doubted that since I got sick, I promise."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine sobbed rather pathetically around his fork, looking like a lost child. But when he finally glanced up, he took a deep breath, putting down the fork and taking both of Kurt's hands in his. "This is going to be alright, I promise. I swear. We will have our happy ending. We'll both be better," he said with great intensity, the idea of the doctor floating around now in the back of his mind. He knew something was wrong with him. Something similar but not exactly like Sierra, but his parents buried it long ago, unable to deal with two sick children, and demanding that Blaine 'man up' and stop being a cry-baby. It didn't exactly take, but he got fairly good at hiding his feelings. Until Kurt.

[prancysmurf]

"We'll both be better," Kurt repeated, hands tight around Blaine's own. He wanted to believe those words, so desperately, and he figured there was a good chance so long as they stayed together. They were invincible, together, and always would be.

"Because we're gonna look after each other, right? And we're always going to be there for each other."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine nodded enthusiastically, trying to smile around his sobbing, which was quite a feat but he managed. "Always, Kurt. Always. I can't, I just can't at all, picture my life without you in it. It's like I cease to exist at all. You're my Narnia. You can't ever go back to seeing wardrobes when you know that everything you ever dreamed of is just right there, ready to touch," he babbled, sniffling, inching his chair closer so he could lean into Kurt's embrace. His arms were home, and he needed to feel less lost right now.

[prancysmurf]

Pulling Blaine in close, Kurt held him tight, rocking slightly on his chair.

"Shall we go up to my room?" He suggested, wanting to be somewhere more comfortable than the kitchen table. "The cake can come too."

[blainewanderson]

Blaine nodded, sobbing against his shirt, really trying not to wipe his face on it, he was already being far more of a problem than Kurt deserved to have to deal with. The guilt was consuming. He was supposed to be a balm, but instead he was often an irritant. It weighed on his heart. "Yeah... okay, upstairs."

[prancysmurf]

Sliding one hand into Blaine's, the other holding the cake plate, Kurt got up from the kitchen table and pulled his boyfriend up with him.

"Come on," he said, quiet and soothing. "Come with me. I'm here. I'll look after you."

He lead the way up the stairs and into his room, kicking the door closed with one foot before carrying on across the floor to the bed. Laying the cake down on the bedside table, to be consumed later when Blaine was feeling happier, Kurt lay himself down on his bed and pulled Blaine into his arms.

[blainewanderson]

Blaine slid into his arms, fitting perfectly, they belonged pressed against one another, nothing else quite clicked as well as that feeling did, the home his body had sought and needed, and finally found. A gift, a special one, not to be taken lightly, or seen as easy to replace. "I'm ssss-sorrryy, Kurt," he sobbed, his words getting stuck. He hated crashing like this, the terrible feeling that no matter what good there was, no matter what light he could see, he was lost in the tunnel and he might not ever get out.

[prancysmurf]

"Shh, shh..." Kurt gently hushed his boyfriend, continuing to hold him in tight to his chest.

"I'm here. It's okay. I love you. There's nothing to be sorry about."

[blainewanderson]

"I can't ever do anything right! I always, always fuck everything up! I always make things worse!" Blaine sobbed, getting himself more worked up. "Look at Sierra, she's almost died! And now you! And even... him, he kept calling and I ignored it and his texts got so sad and I hurt him. I'm a horrible person, Kurt!"

He squeezed himself so tightly against Kurt it was like he was trying to crawl into his skin, losing himself in his sorrow. It wasn't that he felt this way all the time, but when it struck, it was like being sucked down a drain, unable to save himself from the black pain in his heart.

[prancysmurf]

Kurt hated seeing Blaine this way, more than he hated hearing about that boy that had come between them. The boy in his arms was the most important, precious thing in his life... the least horrible person he knew. He held Blaine tight, squeezing back just as tight, rocking his boyfriend softly and pressing his lips to the top of Blaine's head.

"You are... my perfect, beautiful boy. You always have been. And you always will be."