I know this feeling all too well
It isn’t a mid-life crisis thing. I’m not wanting to buy anything big. I’m not wanting to regain something I’ve lost. While the questions I have may be similar to what I imagine you might ask while in one, they are very valid questions for me. I’m 44 years old, I’ve had no job for three and a half years and I live with my parents, contributing nothing to anything.
It’s depression. It hasn’t evolved into Depression yet, but it’s trying. I know this feeling all too well. I’m 44 years old. Half of my life has been spent in depression or fighting to keep it away. Oh yes. I know this feeling very well. I’m not suicidal. I can’t say it won’t try to get there. But it isn’t yet.
I’m sitting here singing along to all the songs on Cat’s Tea For The Tillerman album. It was never my favorite. That has always been my first, Teaser. But Tillerman is considered one of his best, if not the best. It’s been a while since I’ve pulled out my Cat albums and listened to more than just a song or two. Is this a symptom of the depression? Anyway, I pulled up Tillerman last night on my MP3 player and have been listening to it. Mostly for Longer Boats last night but today I’ve been singing with the whole album. It’s definitely elevated it’s status. It’ll never beat Teaser, nothing will, but it may have taken second place. This is one damn good album.
God, I am depressed. I used to listen to Cat all the time when I was a depressed teenager up in D.C. I discovered him and Donovan just about the same time, and I listened to both of them extensively to keep the depression away. I won Teaser in a 6th grade bingo game and it sat in my bedroom for years, until I was in high school and looking for something to play and decided to finally play it. The Wind just completely blew me away and pulled me in and when the album was finally done, both sides, my life was changed forever. Just about that time, I heard Donovan’s Sunshine Superman on Jeopardy one night, one of their audio questions. That was it. I scoured all the used record stores I could find, looking for all the Cat Stevens and Donovan albums they had. I kept going back, hoping to find more albums. I had no idea how many albums either of them had recorded. This was years before the Internet, so I had no way of knowing. I bought a Cat Stevens CD long before I got a CD player. It was A&M Classics or something. A compilation but not a hits package. I have all of Cat’s albums on vinyl, along with a couple of bootlegs, and am only missing Gift From a Flower To a Garden of Donovan’s albums on record. I once found a copy on a trip to Seattle, like new, in pristine condition, with all the pictures included and everything. But it was in Boise, and I was still on the way TO Seattle, not returning from, so I didn’t know what my money situation would be like. Still, the entire box set, in pristine condition! That was 1998 and I still kick myself over that.
I listened to other artists, of course, my record collection was rather extensive, but it was pretty much 90% Cat and Donovan and 10% other artists. Now I listen to all kinds of everybody. I have well over 800 CDs, and quite an extensive MP3 collection. But between the two artists I’ve been listening to Donovan quite a bit in comparison to Cat the last number of years. I’ve seen Donovan in concert twice. Cat, never. The only Cat/Yusuf albums I don’t have are A is for Allah and I Have No Cannons That Roar.
The last time I felt a depression this strong was about six or seven years ago. I could tell it was going to get a whole lot worse and knew what I needed to do to stop it in it’s tracks was to completely change something major in my life. Make something so different it would just change things. It worked too. I cut my hair. I’m not doing that this time. Fuck you. I’m KEEPING my hair. You’ll be okay going away because you still affected me. You took away something I really loved. Not this time. Come on! Do your fucking worst! I know you. I fought you for years upon years. And guess what? I won! You may be back, but YOU LEFT. I got rid of you. I’ve done it once. Twice. Three times. I can do it four. Want to try it? Then come on. Do your best. I will still be here when you leave again.