Wherein Love is Discussed
I want to make sure I understand everyone's points. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Sarah: You don't have a theory of love. It doesn't appeal to you. You love easily and just want to let it come.
Oliver: You're not maximizing for happiness. You think it's a good and fair thing to do, but it's not your bag. Whatever love is to you it isn't a means to raise the baseline level on your hedonic treadmill.
Zach: Your goal is irrational love. It has served you well. You believe there are too many constraints to seek out an ideal and the benefits of engaging with it as it comes are outstanding. You pursue it consistently and to that end, believe you are doing so rationally.
Ruchi: Theorizing about love causes you to worry. You just want to enjoy it and thinking detracts from the experience. Love is about accepting people while living in a state of mutual dependency. It's a binary state. Either you love them or you don't. What changes is how much you like them. The experience of love is fine the way it naturally occurs and using the terminology of goals places it in the realm of accomplishment culture, thus desecrating an intrinsic understanding of working together towards mutual benefit.
This is fun! Or, I'm having fun. =)
This cleared up something important. There was an unchallenged assumption that other people had thought about love in the same way I had. You'd all sat theorizing and come up with observations, plans and tests. Part of why I was upset was because I acted as though everyone had elaborate ideas on the subject. This sort of behavior could even be off limits to some of you. All of my relationships are vehicles to test hypotheses. I do so compassionately, but typically with more regard to serving them better in the future than the present. It's been a wonderful part of my life. I'm positive I'm a better person for it. Nothing is sacred to me because the most important aspects of life are typically the least rationally questioned. If someone else had done the work I wouldn't be taking the risks. Research is limited and looking to fiction for answers is wrong because it is a culturally tainted product written to perpetuate the author's corrupt vision. I cannot be the best person possible unless I look at every component of human nature. Love is too vital to me not to take it apart. It's a priority not because I've found it wanting, but because I stare in wonder at its glory in the same way I do at distant galaxies.
I believe I can have all positive things now. My brain is algorithmic and predictable. If I understand why then what can change. The wetware is flexible. How good or bad now is depends on basal health and perception. I believe all my models about the world (including love and gravity) could be proven wrong. Perception has no inherent moral value. The only thing that matters is mapping perception to my current model of the world. This can take time. Understanding something intellectually is not the same as living it. Changing the neural structure of the brain is slow. That said, you can take new beliefs, consistently reinforce them in a short period of time and see rapid change. Love is one of the things I want right now in its entirety regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship.
The subconscious is a huge problem with regards to love and infatuation. Practically, we don't get to choose our particular thoughts. Our consciousness gives us an illusion of directing where our problem solving is going, but the illusion is probably just a fun side effect. "I" exists as a blackboard for the subconscious to work through problems. We inherit our heuristics from the past. Accepting the inclusion of some randomness, the outcome of all thought is probably predetermined. Broadly, thought is supposed to lead to sex. The string of thoughts all day every day looks like the following: (-A-what am I doing?)>(-B-what do I want?)>(-C-what do the people I love want?)>(-D-what do the people I want to have sex with want?)>(-E-what is my quality as a mate?)>(-F-During A, given E, what must I do for C and D without seriously compromising B?) The only truly influential component of existence is the environment. It's wonderful because it can insert new heuristics into the thought stream. There is no hack to make someone the sort of person who changes. You were either exposed to the correct environment at the correct time to modify a component of A-E or not. Once you've been modified to want a state of non-suffering, happiness, tranquility, etc. you must be further modified to want additional exposure to environments that can keep changing your subconscious to make the writing on the blackboard pleasurable. If any choice is relevant it is the choice to put yourself in a place to facilitate growth. When love is poorly understood or culturally defined it destroys the material our brain uses to construct the world.
This is what I believe subjective experience is like for most people: (-A- I am seeking to remedy dissatisfaction X or fearing loss of attachment Z.) (-B- I want something other than what I have now or I don't want to lose what is occurring in this moment.) (-C- The person I love wants security, safety, predictability, affection and stability.) (-D- The people who I want to have sex with either want to love me or want characteristics X, Y and Z.) (-E- What does my culture tell me I'm worth?) (-F- While upset, experiencing narcissism or insecurity, how can I avoid changes that will frustrate the person who loves me and improve or demonstrate valuable characteristics.)
Inevitably, you will usually model other people's love in the same light as your own. If love for you is about possession or consistency then you will come to act in accord with that belief. You will think you must not experiment on yourself because you will assume your partner will judge you and abandon you if intermediate changes or the final outcome restructures your personality. You will stop developing as you lose touch with what your body actually needs to grow. Not growing becomes reasonable. Your value as a person is probably tied up in whether or not you're loved. Our culture does not look kindly upon the scorned. Having sex with people you don't love is likely unacceptable or unsatisfying. Therefore, whatever you want is going to be muddied and tinged with greed or desperation.
Here is how I want my thoughts constructed: (-A- I am working to improve myself.) (-B- I want to end my suffering and the suffering of all of humanity.) (-C- I love all of humanity. Humans want love. Express love through a chain of proximity and potential to influence beneficially: 1. Adam. 2. Whoever I'm speaking to. 3. My sexual partner. 4. My friends. 5. My family. 6. The rest of humanity. 7. All consciousness) (-D- The people who want to have sex with me want me to be physically healthy and confident.) (-E- How consistently am I working to improve myself?) (I'm learning, I'm awesome because everything is insightful, and all people want me for the same reasons I want myself.)
Wanting to improve isn't a judgment on myself as inadequate. It is a recognition of potential. There can be no naturally derived reason to do anything. Given that is the case, I'm going to find a way to end all suffering because suffering isn't fun. Choosing to love all humans, with yourself as the greatest priority, means an end to dependency. You can change as it befits you. Others will benefit from the positivity you radiate. If the only commitment love entails is one to improve then there are no more chains. Keep people in your life who want to have sex with you for good, healthy reasons divorced from millenia of religious tyranny. Show them love regardless of who they are. Know that if they do you wrong it's OK. You still have the love of yourself. What's remarkable is that people will reciprocate the values of love regardless of whether or not they tell you or even realize they love you. You get an unlimited amount of love when you show it. You get to connect with them as deeply as it's safe for them because somewhere inside you've already fallen for them. If you value your process, instead of your current attainment, love yourself and believe other people will want to fuck you for that self-love then clarity of mind should follow.
Infatuation is this wild animal. It's definitely fun to ride it. Letting it happen is better than hiding from the world. That said, blindly doing it has consequences. When you're hit with OMG I LOVE YOU that individual's biases and all of your biases are going to work against you. This is partly why we have otherwise bright people in their 30's who don't know who they are. They just jump from one love to another and forget or never knew that in doing so they were losing consciousness to our all consuming drive to reproduce. You can tame the beast and still have it be awesome. Using a harness is better than going bareback. You can focus on what love is at its core (compassion, patience, empathy, affection, curiosity and optimism) and receive it all of the time without fear that this one particular person in 7 billion won't be there for you.
When people tell me they are not striving for something high it scares me. Unless your parents were really effective at brainwashing you there was probably a time you were a dreamer. Most children are fairly idealistic. Then they start trying to do things. We attempt some endeavor because we think it'll make us happy. It doesn't. We rationalize. We start to say things like,
"This is probably as good as happiness gets."
"Other people have gotten happy this way. There must be something wrong with me."
"If I just get over this obstacle I'll finally get that happiness."
"Maybe I don't need to be happy."
Eventually we lose sight of reality and simply seek to maintain internal consistency. We become just like the man I was speaking to who happily convinced himself to kiss the SUV.
Where did your ideas of love come from? If love could be anything for you would it be what you have? If you could choose to have more love, an infinite amount of love, would you choose that instead? Why do you believe in suffering?
Sarah: You don't have a theory of love. It doesn't appeal to you. You love easily and just want to let it come.
Oliver: You're not maximizing for happiness. You think it's a good and fair thing to do, but it's not your bag. Whatever love is to you it isn't a means to raise the baseline level on your hedonic treadmill.
Zach: Your goal is irrational love. It has served you well. You believe there are too many constraints to seek out an ideal and the benefits of engaging with it as it comes are outstanding. You pursue it consistently and to that end, believe you are doing so rationally.
Ruchi: Theorizing about love causes you to worry. You just want to enjoy it and thinking detracts from the experience. Love is about accepting people while living in a state of mutual dependency. It's a binary state. Either you love them or you don't. What changes is how much you like them. The experience of love is fine the way it naturally occurs and using the terminology of goals places it in the realm of accomplishment culture, thus desecrating an intrinsic understanding of working together towards mutual benefit.
This is fun! Or, I'm having fun. =)
This cleared up something important. There was an unchallenged assumption that other people had thought about love in the same way I had. You'd all sat theorizing and come up with observations, plans and tests. Part of why I was upset was because I acted as though everyone had elaborate ideas on the subject. This sort of behavior could even be off limits to some of you. All of my relationships are vehicles to test hypotheses. I do so compassionately, but typically with more regard to serving them better in the future than the present. It's been a wonderful part of my life. I'm positive I'm a better person for it. Nothing is sacred to me because the most important aspects of life are typically the least rationally questioned. If someone else had done the work I wouldn't be taking the risks. Research is limited and looking to fiction for answers is wrong because it is a culturally tainted product written to perpetuate the author's corrupt vision. I cannot be the best person possible unless I look at every component of human nature. Love is too vital to me not to take it apart. It's a priority not because I've found it wanting, but because I stare in wonder at its glory in the same way I do at distant galaxies.
I believe I can have all positive things now. My brain is algorithmic and predictable. If I understand why then what can change. The wetware is flexible. How good or bad now is depends on basal health and perception. I believe all my models about the world (including love and gravity) could be proven wrong. Perception has no inherent moral value. The only thing that matters is mapping perception to my current model of the world. This can take time. Understanding something intellectually is not the same as living it. Changing the neural structure of the brain is slow. That said, you can take new beliefs, consistently reinforce them in a short period of time and see rapid change. Love is one of the things I want right now in its entirety regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship.
The subconscious is a huge problem with regards to love and infatuation. Practically, we don't get to choose our particular thoughts. Our consciousness gives us an illusion of directing where our problem solving is going, but the illusion is probably just a fun side effect. "I" exists as a blackboard for the subconscious to work through problems. We inherit our heuristics from the past. Accepting the inclusion of some randomness, the outcome of all thought is probably predetermined. Broadly, thought is supposed to lead to sex. The string of thoughts all day every day looks like the following: (-A-what am I doing?)>(-B-what do I want?)>(-C-what do the people I love want?)>(-D-what do the people I want to have sex with want?)>(-E-what is my quality as a mate?)>(-F-During A, given E, what must I do for C and D without seriously compromising B?) The only truly influential component of existence is the environment. It's wonderful because it can insert new heuristics into the thought stream. There is no hack to make someone the sort of person who changes. You were either exposed to the correct environment at the correct time to modify a component of A-E or not. Once you've been modified to want a state of non-suffering, happiness, tranquility, etc. you must be further modified to want additional exposure to environments that can keep changing your subconscious to make the writing on the blackboard pleasurable. If any choice is relevant it is the choice to put yourself in a place to facilitate growth. When love is poorly understood or culturally defined it destroys the material our brain uses to construct the world.
This is what I believe subjective experience is like for most people: (-A- I am seeking to remedy dissatisfaction X or fearing loss of attachment Z.) (-B- I want something other than what I have now or I don't want to lose what is occurring in this moment.) (-C- The person I love wants security, safety, predictability, affection and stability.) (-D- The people who I want to have sex with either want to love me or want characteristics X, Y and Z.) (-E- What does my culture tell me I'm worth?) (-F- While upset, experiencing narcissism or insecurity, how can I avoid changes that will frustrate the person who loves me and improve or demonstrate valuable characteristics.)
Inevitably, you will usually model other people's love in the same light as your own. If love for you is about possession or consistency then you will come to act in accord with that belief. You will think you must not experiment on yourself because you will assume your partner will judge you and abandon you if intermediate changes or the final outcome restructures your personality. You will stop developing as you lose touch with what your body actually needs to grow. Not growing becomes reasonable. Your value as a person is probably tied up in whether or not you're loved. Our culture does not look kindly upon the scorned. Having sex with people you don't love is likely unacceptable or unsatisfying. Therefore, whatever you want is going to be muddied and tinged with greed or desperation.
Here is how I want my thoughts constructed: (-A- I am working to improve myself.) (-B- I want to end my suffering and the suffering of all of humanity.) (-C- I love all of humanity. Humans want love. Express love through a chain of proximity and potential to influence beneficially: 1. Adam. 2. Whoever I'm speaking to. 3. My sexual partner. 4. My friends. 5. My family. 6. The rest of humanity. 7. All consciousness) (-D- The people who want to have sex with me want me to be physically healthy and confident.) (-E- How consistently am I working to improve myself?) (I'm learning, I'm awesome because everything is insightful, and all people want me for the same reasons I want myself.)
Wanting to improve isn't a judgment on myself as inadequate. It is a recognition of potential. There can be no naturally derived reason to do anything. Given that is the case, I'm going to find a way to end all suffering because suffering isn't fun. Choosing to love all humans, with yourself as the greatest priority, means an end to dependency. You can change as it befits you. Others will benefit from the positivity you radiate. If the only commitment love entails is one to improve then there are no more chains. Keep people in your life who want to have sex with you for good, healthy reasons divorced from millenia of religious tyranny. Show them love regardless of who they are. Know that if they do you wrong it's OK. You still have the love of yourself. What's remarkable is that people will reciprocate the values of love regardless of whether or not they tell you or even realize they love you. You get an unlimited amount of love when you show it. You get to connect with them as deeply as it's safe for them because somewhere inside you've already fallen for them. If you value your process, instead of your current attainment, love yourself and believe other people will want to fuck you for that self-love then clarity of mind should follow.
Infatuation is this wild animal. It's definitely fun to ride it. Letting it happen is better than hiding from the world. That said, blindly doing it has consequences. When you're hit with OMG I LOVE YOU that individual's biases and all of your biases are going to work against you. This is partly why we have otherwise bright people in their 30's who don't know who they are. They just jump from one love to another and forget or never knew that in doing so they were losing consciousness to our all consuming drive to reproduce. You can tame the beast and still have it be awesome. Using a harness is better than going bareback. You can focus on what love is at its core (compassion, patience, empathy, affection, curiosity and optimism) and receive it all of the time without fear that this one particular person in 7 billion won't be there for you.
When people tell me they are not striving for something high it scares me. Unless your parents were really effective at brainwashing you there was probably a time you were a dreamer. Most children are fairly idealistic. Then they start trying to do things. We attempt some endeavor because we think it'll make us happy. It doesn't. We rationalize. We start to say things like,
"This is probably as good as happiness gets."
"Other people have gotten happy this way. There must be something wrong with me."
"If I just get over this obstacle I'll finally get that happiness."
"Maybe I don't need to be happy."
Eventually we lose sight of reality and simply seek to maintain internal consistency. We become just like the man I was speaking to who happily convinced himself to kiss the SUV.
Where did your ideas of love come from? If love could be anything for you would it be what you have? If you could choose to have more love, an infinite amount of love, would you choose that instead? Why do you believe in suffering?