I just invite bad things to happen.....
So me and my frends went out 2 nights ago and i thought tonigh is going to be a good night........ How wrong could I have been!
Recently chris has asked me to give him the letters i have written to him since we broke up. Some of them are really mean and some are really like lovey dovey. I have decided he can have them. He wants me to give him one every day. Its so strange because I still love him but I am just too afraid to tell him. Like I could tell him and if he does not feel the same way i risk losing our really good friendship. i so dont know what to do.
So to go out I got dressed in my little black dress. I was feeling really fat that day so I was like ok just wear the little black dress. my friend had made a comment like as a joke. She said i had a big ass and i looked podgy in the outfit that i was wearing. I was only wearing my jeans and a shirt like, but it kinda got to me. Chris knows that i have bullimia so he looked at me as if to say dont think about it, but how could I not. Like as if I dont feel fat enough everyday like and that kept going round and round in my head. So anyway a friend came round to get ready and have a few drinks before we went out. I got dresed, did my hair and make up and put on a smile and pretended that there was nothing on my mind and put on enough bracelets to cover up the cuts on my arms. It turned out to be a girly nght so chris decided he would just go home. So he went home and we went to the night club. It started ok and then it turned bad.
All my friends were dancing nad I was walking to the bar and then a guy grabbed me and pushed me against the wall in the corner. I tried to push him away but he was stronger than me. So he pushed me there and started to grope me and tried kiss me. I felt so uncomfortable! he kept putting his hand up my dress and trying to get further and and had his hands all over me and grabbling my ass and boobs and i was trying everything to try and stop him. Like he was totaly pissed and I had only had 3 drinks. Luckly I eventually managed to push him off. But 2 other guys tried the exact same thing. I can still feel their hands on me, I still feel repulssed. I could not sleep when I got home so I sat up for like 3 hours, and I cut. I tried ringing chris but it kept going to voice mail.
Then me and chris had a fight this morning because he thought that I was taking my bad mood out on him last night when I was texting him but I didnt think I was and he got mad that I did not phone him when it all happened or when I got home but I tried, so we are kinda not talking right now and it sucks. its making me feel like shit and the only thing that i stopping me from cutting at this very moment is the fact that my cousin is sat in the living room with me watching tv, but I know as soon as he goes to bed I will end up cutting away at my myself again.
How come i am such a screw up?? I dont even know where my like got so fucked up and i just let it. I wounder if sometime I just invite things to happen to me. They all seam to be bad things.