Nobody Knows: Chapter 15
Title: Nobody Knows
Pairing(s): Yunho/Jaejoong, a.o.
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, Humor
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Incest, Sexual content (involving minors)
Length: 15/15
Beta'd by: daramjwi
Summary: In a broken family two brothers cling onto each other for affection, but when their childlike need for attention result in less and less innocent experiments, things go downhill fast. Struggling with jealousy, forbidden attraction and the desperate need to be loved, Yunho and Jaejoong keep forgetting about one thing: What would happen if someone found out?
A/N: I've posted 3 chapters in one go, make sure to read chapter 13 and 14 first if you haven't.
---
The baleful feeling that had haunted him throughout his exam week did not cease after Yunho had left. Instead, it only became worse as the days passed. His mother was barely at home, too busy working or spending time with her boyfriend, and so most of his days he spent alone. He got the feeling she was avoiding him, but had no real reason to confront her with it. He visited friends and even spent three days at Hyunjoong's aunt's camping grounds, but the nagging feeling would not leave.
He was counting the days, and eventually the hours until his brother’s return. Exactly two weeks, that was what he had in mind, and by the time the Saturday neared its end he was looking out of the window continuously, anticipating the other’s arrival.
But his mother made no inclination she was going to leave for the airport, calmly working her way through the bills with one of the Korean dramas she followed playing in the background. Was Yunho going to be dropped off at home by his dad? Jaejoong doubted it with how reluctant the old man had always been on visiting their house.
By the time the rainy Sunday made way for a bright Monday his brother still hadn't made his appearance and the nagging feeling turned to downright anxiousness. Asking his mother proved of no use; she changed the subject to something completely unrelated faster than he could keep up with.
"When will Yunho come home?" he asked that Tuesday.
"You know, I was thinking about going on a holiday as well, just the two of us..." The most direct answer he got out of her was 'I’m not sure’. That something wasn't right was evident.
When the end of the third week came he could no longer contain himself, and so that night he snuck out of his rooms to steal his mother's planner from her briefcase. He had tried Yunho's cell phone several times before, but it had been switched off. This hadn't really surprised him however; he presumed Yunho was still abroad. But mister Jung would pick up his phone for sure.
With the obtained phone number clenched in his hand he sneaked out of the house the next morning, closed the door behind him as quietly as possible and ran to the phone booth at the other side of their apartment block. His mother would be able to tell if he made a call to China with their home’s phone, and he wanted to avoid a pointless argument at all costs.
He filled the machine with all the coins he had and waited for the mechanic, female voice to work down her list before dialing the number. The phone rang, once, twice. It was early, but not too early. Surely they would be-
" Jung Yanghyun speaking."
Jaejoong paused, his heart hammering inside his throat when he heard the old man's voice. He had always found him intimidating, and even over the phone his authority was perceptible.
"Hello?"
"Uhm, hi," he replied quickly, wiping his clammy hand palms off his coat. "This is... Uhm, Kangin. I'm a friend of Yunho's?"
The silence lasted very long, and Jaejoong started to wonder if he should have used a better excuse. He was certain the old man would hang up the moment he found out who was calling, but on the other hand, it was kind of unlikely that one of Yunho's classmates had gotten hands on his phone number somehow, wasn’t it?
"What's the occasion?" mister Jung asked. His voice sounded collected, polite and without a trace that he was suspicious in any way. Jaejoong doubted he would be able to tell if the man was suspicious however.
"Yunho was invited to go with me and my parents on a trip to Jeju." The lie rolled off his tongue. "We were planning to go this weekend, but it he hasn't come back yet." He paused a second, wanting to give Yunho's father the chance to reply. The other side of the line remained dead silent however, and so he proceeded: "I was wondering when he'll come back?" Nervously Jaejoong tapped the side of the dial pad.
"I'm sorry kid," the old man replied. There was not a trace of regret in the voice that sounded as even as always. "Yunho is busy. I suggest you go to Jeju without him."
"Busy?" Jaejoong asked before he could stop himself.
The line went silent again, and just when he opened his mouth to ask the next question, the man continued: "To be fair, I don't think Yunho will be coming back anytime soon."
Jaejoong struggled to keep his voice even. "Can I talk to Yunho maybe?"
"I'm afraid that's not possible, now if you don't mind-"
"Wait, if you say 'not anytime soon', does that mean not before the end of the holidays, or-"
"If I say not anytime soon I mean not anytime soon." The man sounded annoyed now. "And I suggest you did not call anymore, I'm a very busy man."
Before Jaejoong got the chance to ask another question the line had turned dead. Taken aback he stared at the silenced device in his hand. Many emotions flitted through him, the strongest of them all being plain confusion. Was that even allowed? No matter how much authority Yunho's father had, or how much money, surely he couldn't just kidnap his son like that?
For the rest of the day he was unable to focus, and ignored all the calls of his friends as he waited, shaking with something he could not define, for his mother to come home from work. There was something terribly wrong here, and when he would tell her that Yunho's dad did not plan on returning him, she would surely do something. Maybe she could talk sense into the man. She could book a flight back for Yunho; she had enough money now, and in the worst case they could go to China together and kidnap Yunho back. There was no way she was going to leave it at this.
When he told her that he had called Yunho's father that night her reaction was not as he had expected however. Instead of the indignation and resolution he had felt she cast her eyes down. "Jaejoong-ah, you can't just call mister Jung like that," she spoke softly, overcooking the cabbage for the stew.
"That's not the point, mom," Jaejoong said helplessly from the dinner table. Why didn't she understand the severity of this? Yunho was kidnapped, kidnapped. They needed to do something. "He's keeping Yunho there against his will!"
"You don't know that," came the halfhearted response.
"Of course I know that!" He almost shouted, and his mother turned around.
"Don't shout at your mother!"
He bit his lip and looked down, his plain white bowl staring unaffectedly back at him. She did not understand anything. Maybe she just placed too much trust in mister Jung's words, or otherwise she didn't know Yunho as well as he did. His brother would never stay away like that.
Eventually his mother sighed, turning the stove down in favor of sitting next to him without having to watch the food. "Jaejoong-ah," she started. Jaejoong didn't look up to meet her gaze. "There's something I need to tell you."
He started plucking at the tablecloth, knowing she hated it when he did that but unable to stop himself.
"I know you might not like what I'm going to say, but I need you to hear me out until the end, okay?"
Jaejoong looked up. His hand rested trembling on the tablecloth. He nodded.
His mother seemed uncharacteristically insecure as she started fumbling with her hands like he did, as if the situation would somehow change for the better if she did that. "Mister Jung did not take Yunho,” she proceeded. “I... I knew Yunho wasn't going to come back..." She rested her arms on the table and folded her hands. "After Yunho was taken into the hospital for fatigue I had a word with his mister Jung." Jaejoong looked at her. What did that have to do with anything? "We both came to the conclusion that things could not go on like this."
"Like what?"
For the second time his mother sighed audibly. Whenever she did that she seemed to gain several extra years. "Jaejoong-ah, the way we're living is not normal. I have to work overtime every day, and because of that Yunho and you don't get the attention you deserve."
"We were doing fine."
His mother smiled, but except for that did not respond to it. "Yunho’s father then told me he could provide for Yunho. Your brother is very smart, I think nobody fails to see that, and his grades are outstanding. With his father's support he will be able to do great things. Like go to university and become a doctor."
"But Yunho doesn't want to become a doctor," Jaejoong replied desperately. He understood less and less of what she was trying to tell him.
"It was just an example," she said, casting him a tender look. "Because I didn't want to separate the two of you I refused at first, but..." She seemed hesitant to proceed. "But when he brought up certain things and… and told me he was willing to start a lawsuit over custody I had to give in."
"He threatened you?" Jaejoong asked, disbelieving.
"No, I didn't mean it like that," she said quickly. "I made the eventual decision myself, and it's the final decision. Yunho will be living with his father in Seoul and then go to college, and mister Jung will pay for all the expenses. He will be able to support your brother and give him what he needs. He even signed a contract wherein he promised us a monthly allowance as long as we don’t try to contact them. That way I don't have to work as much and if we live modestly you'll even be able to go to college after high school yourself, Jaejoong-ah. Isn't that great?"
He could only stare at her. The emotions he had felt, the indignation, the questions he wanted to ask all seemed a blur now. Suddenly he could not think of anything to say.
"Don't look at me like that," she spoke softly, reaching for his hand but Jaejoong pulled it away. "I had no choice." She brushed her hair out of her face, her hands trembling. "All I wanted was the best for both of you, really. If I could have it any other way-"
"You sold Yunho off for money," Jaejoong concluded. His voice was oddly stable.
"I didn't sell anyone, I gave him a future." His mother's voice switched to a higher pitch, and when he looked up he noticed she was on the verge of crying. He could not get himself to care however, all his thoughts focused on one thing only: "So when is Yunho coming back then?"
"Jaejoong-ah," his mother whispered softly. "Yunho is not coming back."
"Ever?" he asked, studying the curly pattern on the tablecloth. He felt a little dizzy. Maybe he was catching the flu, that wouldn't be good. He and Yunho wouldn't be able to go on their trip if that happened.
"Honey." His mother stood up, walked to his side and crouched down beside him. She rested her trembling hand on his shoulder, squeezing it once. "You and Yunho have been so close, almost too close, but you'd have to part your ways eventually anyway."
"Too close?" He looked at her. Had she known? Was the reason Yunho was taken away from him because his parents knew all along?
"I just mean that you barely spend time with your friends since Yunho got sick," she explained. For a moment she kept her silence. "Maybe you could call Hyunjoong and Seunghyun later and we can go on a holiday together, hm?"
"I don't want to call them."
"Jaejoong-ah..."
His gaze shifted from the tablecloth to his hand. He was digging his nails inside the soft fabric, but could not recall when he had started doing that. The strain in his hand told him it must’ve been for a while. A tear escaped the corner of his eye, trickled down his cheek to end up on the back of his clenching hand. But he felt nothing.
His mother brushed through his hair, stroking a strand behind his ear. "Let's just forget about the stew, okay? Even I can smell it's overcooked." She smiled faintly, her hand never leaving his hair, but the strength to smile back at her had been sucked out of him. Something was crawling up to his heart and gnawed his way through every vessel of his body. Something he couldn’t grasp, something that made him feel empty. "I'll order take-away, okay? Then we can sit on the couch and watch a movie." They were never allowed to do that. They... It was just him now. He, he had never been allowed to do that.
He nodded, and allowed his mother to hug him briefly. And still, still he felt nothing.
---
The next morning he felt no different, and the day after it was the same. Until the end of his spring break he just lived his life, did the things he had to do, the chores he had always done despite his mother telling him he no longer needed to; he wanted to do them. Or want probably didn't cover it; he needed to do them. For Yunho's sake, in case this all turned out to be a bad joke and he would come back after all.
But Yunho did not come back.
Jaejoong had decided on a high school nearby. It was not the best, but Hyunjoong went there and it was decent enough. His grades were average, as they had always been, and he still drew in his free time. It wasn't as if the loss had caused him to give up on his future, far from it. He wanted to go to Art School. He wanted to show Yunho that their parting wasn't for nothing. He would meet him again, and then he would make him proud.
That was what he tried to tell himself.
But the truth was that there was only one thing that kept him going. Every day he was going through his mother's belongings, invading every bit of privacy she had in hopes of finding something about Yunho's whereabouts. Of course his mother knew what he was doing, but no matter how much she tried to stop him, scolding, shouting and eventually pleading, he would not let that stop him.
He called mister Jung repeatedly from different phones, but it only resulted in the old man changing his number. It had given him no results, but he wasn't going to give up. Yunho was his, no matter what they said, and he would get him back. He would go to China, or go to Seoul, or to the other side of the world by foot if that was necessary, and he would get him back.
"Jaejoong-ah!"
His mother was calling his name from the living room, but he did not pay attention to it, too occupied with the painting in front of him. She had given him watercolors for his birthday, really expensive stuff he could tell, and he was using it to create a surrealistic landscape. The details were still vague, but it didn't really matter, as long as he had something to distract himself with.
"Jaejoong-ah?" The door opened behind him, and he looked up, somewhat annoyed. His mother knew not to disturb him when he was painting. He didn't reply, merely gave her a look that indicated she wasn't welcome. "There's a letter for you."
This time he did turn around, fully, wiping his hands clean with the dirty rag he was using for his brushes. "A letter?" he asked semi-interested. Who would send him a letter? The only person he could think of was Seunghyun, since he hadn't seen him in a while, but his friend had never been one for letters. Except, maybe-
"I think it's from Yunho."
His gaze shifted from his mother's eyes to the letter in her hands, a faint glimmer of hope drizzling through. He had expected it to feel good, but it felt strangely unreal, as if the feeling was a treacherous lie only meant to lure him out and catch him when he was not paying attention.
"Here," his mother said and placed the letter on his desk beside the jar filled with mud brown, dirty water. "I'll be outside, you read it first." She gave him a secretive wink. "I demand to read it second though."
He nodded, eyes fixating on the letter and the letter only as his mother left the room and closed the door behind her. He turned his chair, placed the rag over the armrest and took the letter in his hands. The envelope was thin, and not very heavy, light blue-the same sort of paper used for his mother's bills. But the stamp was placed crookedly, and the handwriting on the front was strikingly similar to his; it was scruffy, though the writer had tried to make it as neat as possible by the sight of it. The letter was send by his younger brother; there was no doubt about it.
He opened it with his index finger, his heart pounding with nerves, and unfolded the letter. There was only one piece of paper, but Yunho had used the space well, filling it to the bottom with his messy handwriting. He took a deep breath, and started reading.
‘To my Hyung,
‘I finally left China and arrived at dad's place yesterday. Where it is I cannot tell you, but it's a big place with a garden. Are you and mom okay? And Jiji, is she still okay?’
For a short second he paused, making sure the door was still locked before pulling his legs to his chest. He moved on.
‘I was really sad at first when dad told me I wasn't allowed to go back, but we talked a lot, and I think I understand now. Mom cannot afford two children but if it’s just you everything will go better. Maybe this year you’ll finally get a birthday present then and Dad will even pay for your college, he said. Isn’t that great?
‘I decided I'm going to work really hard from today on, so that you will be proud of me. I’ll try for University, and then become a doctor, so that when we meet again you'll be able to tell everyone 'look at my Dongsaeng, he's so cool'. You should work hard too, so that I can say the same, okay?
‘But Hyung, you know, you should stop trying to find me. Dad says we have a bad influence on each other. If you keep contacting me he will stop sending you money, he told me, and then you and mom will have to live hard lives again because of me. I don’t want that. You lived a hard life because of me for long enough.
‘If you promise not to try and find me I’ll give you the address so I can receive your letters too. I’d really like that. So don't try to find me anymore. Please.
Yunho
Ps: Don’t forget me. I love you.
Jaejoong read the letter several times, as if looking for traces to support it was a fake. But the letters didn't give away such a thing. Yunho’s last name had been scratched out and placed at the front, as if he couldn’t quite remember which name was supposed to go first. Hadn’t he told him that several times already?
"Jaejoong-ah, dinner's almost ready."
He didn't reply, but merely looked down the letter. There was something in those last words: Don't forget me... I love you... “I love you too.” He whispered the words almost inaudibly and for the first time since Yunho left, he started feeling something. Not real sadness, or anger. But one simple thing: Loneliness.
His little brother was gone, and the space he had left behind was too big, too wide for him to cope with. He tried to fill it up with the idea of them meeting again, five, ten years from now, but it didn’t work. He tried holding on to the thought of tracking him down still. But that only made it worse; Yunho didn’t want to see him.
Because it was better this way.
He grabbed the letter and envelope and tried to throw it away, to the other side of the room where he did not have to look at it anymore, but the letter landed not even halfway. The bedroom beside him was empty, and no matter how wide opened he would leave his balcony doors nobody would climb through them; Yunho was gone.
"Jaejoong-ah?"
A violent sob escaped over his lips as he buried his head inside his arms. His mother rushed towards him and wrapped her arms around him, asking no questions as she pulled him off his chair and against her chest. Seated on the floor she cradled him back and forth, like she had done when he was seven, when everything was fine still and Yunho was still there. And all he could do was cry. Cry over the loss of his little brother. Cry over the loss of his best friend. And cry over the loss of the person he loved more than everything in the whole world combined.
"It'll pass." His mother whispered softly in his ear, her slender arms strong in their embrace. "Don't worry, it will pass…"
But at that moment it felt like it never would.
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Previous ||
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Pairing(s): Yunho/Jaejoong, a.o.
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, Humor
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Incest, Sexual content (involving minors)
Length: 15/15
Beta'd by: daramjwi
Summary: In a broken family two brothers cling onto each other for affection, but when their childlike need for attention result in less and less innocent experiments, things go downhill fast. Struggling with jealousy, forbidden attraction and the desperate need to be loved, Yunho and Jaejoong keep forgetting about one thing: What would happen if someone found out?
A/N: I've posted 3 chapters in one go, make sure to read chapter 13 and 14 first if you haven't.
---
The baleful feeling that had haunted him throughout his exam week did not cease after Yunho had left. Instead, it only became worse as the days passed. His mother was barely at home, too busy working or spending time with her boyfriend, and so most of his days he spent alone. He got the feeling she was avoiding him, but had no real reason to confront her with it. He visited friends and even spent three days at Hyunjoong's aunt's camping grounds, but the nagging feeling would not leave.
He was counting the days, and eventually the hours until his brother’s return. Exactly two weeks, that was what he had in mind, and by the time the Saturday neared its end he was looking out of the window continuously, anticipating the other’s arrival.
But his mother made no inclination she was going to leave for the airport, calmly working her way through the bills with one of the Korean dramas she followed playing in the background. Was Yunho going to be dropped off at home by his dad? Jaejoong doubted it with how reluctant the old man had always been on visiting their house.
By the time the rainy Sunday made way for a bright Monday his brother still hadn't made his appearance and the nagging feeling turned to downright anxiousness. Asking his mother proved of no use; she changed the subject to something completely unrelated faster than he could keep up with.
"When will Yunho come home?" he asked that Tuesday.
"You know, I was thinking about going on a holiday as well, just the two of us..." The most direct answer he got out of her was 'I’m not sure’. That something wasn't right was evident.
When the end of the third week came he could no longer contain himself, and so that night he snuck out of his rooms to steal his mother's planner from her briefcase. He had tried Yunho's cell phone several times before, but it had been switched off. This hadn't really surprised him however; he presumed Yunho was still abroad. But mister Jung would pick up his phone for sure.
With the obtained phone number clenched in his hand he sneaked out of the house the next morning, closed the door behind him as quietly as possible and ran to the phone booth at the other side of their apartment block. His mother would be able to tell if he made a call to China with their home’s phone, and he wanted to avoid a pointless argument at all costs.
He filled the machine with all the coins he had and waited for the mechanic, female voice to work down her list before dialing the number. The phone rang, once, twice. It was early, but not too early. Surely they would be-
" Jung Yanghyun speaking."
Jaejoong paused, his heart hammering inside his throat when he heard the old man's voice. He had always found him intimidating, and even over the phone his authority was perceptible.
"Hello?"
"Uhm, hi," he replied quickly, wiping his clammy hand palms off his coat. "This is... Uhm, Kangin. I'm a friend of Yunho's?"
The silence lasted very long, and Jaejoong started to wonder if he should have used a better excuse. He was certain the old man would hang up the moment he found out who was calling, but on the other hand, it was kind of unlikely that one of Yunho's classmates had gotten hands on his phone number somehow, wasn’t it?
"What's the occasion?" mister Jung asked. His voice sounded collected, polite and without a trace that he was suspicious in any way. Jaejoong doubted he would be able to tell if the man was suspicious however.
"Yunho was invited to go with me and my parents on a trip to Jeju." The lie rolled off his tongue. "We were planning to go this weekend, but it he hasn't come back yet." He paused a second, wanting to give Yunho's father the chance to reply. The other side of the line remained dead silent however, and so he proceeded: "I was wondering when he'll come back?" Nervously Jaejoong tapped the side of the dial pad.
"I'm sorry kid," the old man replied. There was not a trace of regret in the voice that sounded as even as always. "Yunho is busy. I suggest you go to Jeju without him."
"Busy?" Jaejoong asked before he could stop himself.
The line went silent again, and just when he opened his mouth to ask the next question, the man continued: "To be fair, I don't think Yunho will be coming back anytime soon."
Jaejoong struggled to keep his voice even. "Can I talk to Yunho maybe?"
"I'm afraid that's not possible, now if you don't mind-"
"Wait, if you say 'not anytime soon', does that mean not before the end of the holidays, or-"
"If I say not anytime soon I mean not anytime soon." The man sounded annoyed now. "And I suggest you did not call anymore, I'm a very busy man."
Before Jaejoong got the chance to ask another question the line had turned dead. Taken aback he stared at the silenced device in his hand. Many emotions flitted through him, the strongest of them all being plain confusion. Was that even allowed? No matter how much authority Yunho's father had, or how much money, surely he couldn't just kidnap his son like that?
For the rest of the day he was unable to focus, and ignored all the calls of his friends as he waited, shaking with something he could not define, for his mother to come home from work. There was something terribly wrong here, and when he would tell her that Yunho's dad did not plan on returning him, she would surely do something. Maybe she could talk sense into the man. She could book a flight back for Yunho; she had enough money now, and in the worst case they could go to China together and kidnap Yunho back. There was no way she was going to leave it at this.
When he told her that he had called Yunho's father that night her reaction was not as he had expected however. Instead of the indignation and resolution he had felt she cast her eyes down. "Jaejoong-ah, you can't just call mister Jung like that," she spoke softly, overcooking the cabbage for the stew.
"That's not the point, mom," Jaejoong said helplessly from the dinner table. Why didn't she understand the severity of this? Yunho was kidnapped, kidnapped. They needed to do something. "He's keeping Yunho there against his will!"
"You don't know that," came the halfhearted response.
"Of course I know that!" He almost shouted, and his mother turned around.
"Don't shout at your mother!"
He bit his lip and looked down, his plain white bowl staring unaffectedly back at him. She did not understand anything. Maybe she just placed too much trust in mister Jung's words, or otherwise she didn't know Yunho as well as he did. His brother would never stay away like that.
Eventually his mother sighed, turning the stove down in favor of sitting next to him without having to watch the food. "Jaejoong-ah," she started. Jaejoong didn't look up to meet her gaze. "There's something I need to tell you."
He started plucking at the tablecloth, knowing she hated it when he did that but unable to stop himself.
"I know you might not like what I'm going to say, but I need you to hear me out until the end, okay?"
Jaejoong looked up. His hand rested trembling on the tablecloth. He nodded.
His mother seemed uncharacteristically insecure as she started fumbling with her hands like he did, as if the situation would somehow change for the better if she did that. "Mister Jung did not take Yunho,” she proceeded. “I... I knew Yunho wasn't going to come back..." She rested her arms on the table and folded her hands. "After Yunho was taken into the hospital for fatigue I had a word with his mister Jung." Jaejoong looked at her. What did that have to do with anything? "We both came to the conclusion that things could not go on like this."
"Like what?"
For the second time his mother sighed audibly. Whenever she did that she seemed to gain several extra years. "Jaejoong-ah, the way we're living is not normal. I have to work overtime every day, and because of that Yunho and you don't get the attention you deserve."
"We were doing fine."
His mother smiled, but except for that did not respond to it. "Yunho’s father then told me he could provide for Yunho. Your brother is very smart, I think nobody fails to see that, and his grades are outstanding. With his father's support he will be able to do great things. Like go to university and become a doctor."
"But Yunho doesn't want to become a doctor," Jaejoong replied desperately. He understood less and less of what she was trying to tell him.
"It was just an example," she said, casting him a tender look. "Because I didn't want to separate the two of you I refused at first, but..." She seemed hesitant to proceed. "But when he brought up certain things and… and told me he was willing to start a lawsuit over custody I had to give in."
"He threatened you?" Jaejoong asked, disbelieving.
"No, I didn't mean it like that," she said quickly. "I made the eventual decision myself, and it's the final decision. Yunho will be living with his father in Seoul and then go to college, and mister Jung will pay for all the expenses. He will be able to support your brother and give him what he needs. He even signed a contract wherein he promised us a monthly allowance as long as we don’t try to contact them. That way I don't have to work as much and if we live modestly you'll even be able to go to college after high school yourself, Jaejoong-ah. Isn't that great?"
He could only stare at her. The emotions he had felt, the indignation, the questions he wanted to ask all seemed a blur now. Suddenly he could not think of anything to say.
"Don't look at me like that," she spoke softly, reaching for his hand but Jaejoong pulled it away. "I had no choice." She brushed her hair out of her face, her hands trembling. "All I wanted was the best for both of you, really. If I could have it any other way-"
"You sold Yunho off for money," Jaejoong concluded. His voice was oddly stable.
"I didn't sell anyone, I gave him a future." His mother's voice switched to a higher pitch, and when he looked up he noticed she was on the verge of crying. He could not get himself to care however, all his thoughts focused on one thing only: "So when is Yunho coming back then?"
"Jaejoong-ah," his mother whispered softly. "Yunho is not coming back."
"Ever?" he asked, studying the curly pattern on the tablecloth. He felt a little dizzy. Maybe he was catching the flu, that wouldn't be good. He and Yunho wouldn't be able to go on their trip if that happened.
"Honey." His mother stood up, walked to his side and crouched down beside him. She rested her trembling hand on his shoulder, squeezing it once. "You and Yunho have been so close, almost too close, but you'd have to part your ways eventually anyway."
"Too close?" He looked at her. Had she known? Was the reason Yunho was taken away from him because his parents knew all along?
"I just mean that you barely spend time with your friends since Yunho got sick," she explained. For a moment she kept her silence. "Maybe you could call Hyunjoong and Seunghyun later and we can go on a holiday together, hm?"
"I don't want to call them."
"Jaejoong-ah..."
His gaze shifted from the tablecloth to his hand. He was digging his nails inside the soft fabric, but could not recall when he had started doing that. The strain in his hand told him it must’ve been for a while. A tear escaped the corner of his eye, trickled down his cheek to end up on the back of his clenching hand. But he felt nothing.
His mother brushed through his hair, stroking a strand behind his ear. "Let's just forget about the stew, okay? Even I can smell it's overcooked." She smiled faintly, her hand never leaving his hair, but the strength to smile back at her had been sucked out of him. Something was crawling up to his heart and gnawed his way through every vessel of his body. Something he couldn’t grasp, something that made him feel empty. "I'll order take-away, okay? Then we can sit on the couch and watch a movie." They were never allowed to do that. They... It was just him now. He, he had never been allowed to do that.
He nodded, and allowed his mother to hug him briefly. And still, still he felt nothing.
---
The next morning he felt no different, and the day after it was the same. Until the end of his spring break he just lived his life, did the things he had to do, the chores he had always done despite his mother telling him he no longer needed to; he wanted to do them. Or want probably didn't cover it; he needed to do them. For Yunho's sake, in case this all turned out to be a bad joke and he would come back after all.
But Yunho did not come back.
Jaejoong had decided on a high school nearby. It was not the best, but Hyunjoong went there and it was decent enough. His grades were average, as they had always been, and he still drew in his free time. It wasn't as if the loss had caused him to give up on his future, far from it. He wanted to go to Art School. He wanted to show Yunho that their parting wasn't for nothing. He would meet him again, and then he would make him proud.
That was what he tried to tell himself.
But the truth was that there was only one thing that kept him going. Every day he was going through his mother's belongings, invading every bit of privacy she had in hopes of finding something about Yunho's whereabouts. Of course his mother knew what he was doing, but no matter how much she tried to stop him, scolding, shouting and eventually pleading, he would not let that stop him.
He called mister Jung repeatedly from different phones, but it only resulted in the old man changing his number. It had given him no results, but he wasn't going to give up. Yunho was his, no matter what they said, and he would get him back. He would go to China, or go to Seoul, or to the other side of the world by foot if that was necessary, and he would get him back.
"Jaejoong-ah!"
His mother was calling his name from the living room, but he did not pay attention to it, too occupied with the painting in front of him. She had given him watercolors for his birthday, really expensive stuff he could tell, and he was using it to create a surrealistic landscape. The details were still vague, but it didn't really matter, as long as he had something to distract himself with.
"Jaejoong-ah?" The door opened behind him, and he looked up, somewhat annoyed. His mother knew not to disturb him when he was painting. He didn't reply, merely gave her a look that indicated she wasn't welcome. "There's a letter for you."
This time he did turn around, fully, wiping his hands clean with the dirty rag he was using for his brushes. "A letter?" he asked semi-interested. Who would send him a letter? The only person he could think of was Seunghyun, since he hadn't seen him in a while, but his friend had never been one for letters. Except, maybe-
"I think it's from Yunho."
His gaze shifted from his mother's eyes to the letter in her hands, a faint glimmer of hope drizzling through. He had expected it to feel good, but it felt strangely unreal, as if the feeling was a treacherous lie only meant to lure him out and catch him when he was not paying attention.
"Here," his mother said and placed the letter on his desk beside the jar filled with mud brown, dirty water. "I'll be outside, you read it first." She gave him a secretive wink. "I demand to read it second though."
He nodded, eyes fixating on the letter and the letter only as his mother left the room and closed the door behind her. He turned his chair, placed the rag over the armrest and took the letter in his hands. The envelope was thin, and not very heavy, light blue-the same sort of paper used for his mother's bills. But the stamp was placed crookedly, and the handwriting on the front was strikingly similar to his; it was scruffy, though the writer had tried to make it as neat as possible by the sight of it. The letter was send by his younger brother; there was no doubt about it.
He opened it with his index finger, his heart pounding with nerves, and unfolded the letter. There was only one piece of paper, but Yunho had used the space well, filling it to the bottom with his messy handwriting. He took a deep breath, and started reading.
‘To my Hyung,
‘I finally left China and arrived at dad's place yesterday. Where it is I cannot tell you, but it's a big place with a garden. Are you and mom okay? And Jiji, is she still okay?’
For a short second he paused, making sure the door was still locked before pulling his legs to his chest. He moved on.
‘I was really sad at first when dad told me I wasn't allowed to go back, but we talked a lot, and I think I understand now. Mom cannot afford two children but if it’s just you everything will go better. Maybe this year you’ll finally get a birthday present then and Dad will even pay for your college, he said. Isn’t that great?
‘I decided I'm going to work really hard from today on, so that you will be proud of me. I’ll try for University, and then become a doctor, so that when we meet again you'll be able to tell everyone 'look at my Dongsaeng, he's so cool'. You should work hard too, so that I can say the same, okay?
‘But Hyung, you know, you should stop trying to find me. Dad says we have a bad influence on each other. If you keep contacting me he will stop sending you money, he told me, and then you and mom will have to live hard lives again because of me. I don’t want that. You lived a hard life because of me for long enough.
‘If you promise not to try and find me I’ll give you the address so I can receive your letters too. I’d really like that. So don't try to find me anymore. Please.
Yunho
Ps: Don’t forget me. I love you.
Jaejoong read the letter several times, as if looking for traces to support it was a fake. But the letters didn't give away such a thing. Yunho’s last name had been scratched out and placed at the front, as if he couldn’t quite remember which name was supposed to go first. Hadn’t he told him that several times already?
"Jaejoong-ah, dinner's almost ready."
He didn't reply, but merely looked down the letter. There was something in those last words: Don't forget me... I love you... “I love you too.” He whispered the words almost inaudibly and for the first time since Yunho left, he started feeling something. Not real sadness, or anger. But one simple thing: Loneliness.
His little brother was gone, and the space he had left behind was too big, too wide for him to cope with. He tried to fill it up with the idea of them meeting again, five, ten years from now, but it didn’t work. He tried holding on to the thought of tracking him down still. But that only made it worse; Yunho didn’t want to see him.
Because it was better this way.
He grabbed the letter and envelope and tried to throw it away, to the other side of the room where he did not have to look at it anymore, but the letter landed not even halfway. The bedroom beside him was empty, and no matter how wide opened he would leave his balcony doors nobody would climb through them; Yunho was gone.
"Jaejoong-ah?"
A violent sob escaped over his lips as he buried his head inside his arms. His mother rushed towards him and wrapped her arms around him, asking no questions as she pulled him off his chair and against her chest. Seated on the floor she cradled him back and forth, like she had done when he was seven, when everything was fine still and Yunho was still there. And all he could do was cry. Cry over the loss of his little brother. Cry over the loss of his best friend. And cry over the loss of the person he loved more than everything in the whole world combined.
"It'll pass." His mother whispered softly in his ear, her slender arms strong in their embrace. "Don't worry, it will pass…"
But at that moment it felt like it never would.
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