Cross-posted
This is right around 8:15AM. I had made the decision to try and get her the necessary treatment involving details I can't comprehend. It was after she had had a second seizure at 5:58AM. She was alive, but unresponsive.
And I went home crying and passed out on my bed next to my other cat. I don't remember falling asleep. I remember waking up at 9:46AM to my vet telling me that she had passed away. She had barely started the sterroid treatment intravenously when she stopped breathing. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell the vet what I wanted. I drove to the vet where I could be with her before cremation.
And this beautiful cat was laid out before me to touch and kiss and hold. She would never purr again. She wouldn't be taken home where she could irritate me by darting under my feet on my way up the stairs or jumping in front of my monitor or demanding attention on the bathroom sink. That eye was so lifeless and empty. It would never again shine the beautiful jade green it did when sunlight hit it. Yesterday was just another day for her. Today, she died. I feel like I have too. I stayed with her for hours and cried over her. I wiped my tears on her left paw so that something I could give would be cremated with her.
RIP Katana
1996/7 - 2009
All I could think was that it was not supposed to be like this. Her head was not supposed to roll limp as I tried to place my hand behind her neck. Her tail was not supposed to be motionless as I stroked her fur. Her chest was not supposed to be silent as I kissed her head and rested my face against her. None of this was fucking right! She left me. She would not come back no matter how much I ached for her to. She will not come back no matter how much I ache for her to.