Progression of Prayer
I'm not a Catholic. Never, I mean not even close. I do consider myself to be a follower of Christ, but more along the protestant lines. Never really gave much thought to placing so much emphasis on Mary, don't really get that part, so yeah I'm not Catholic. But there was this time in my life, see, where I was realizing that ignoring God has consequences. I chose to give my life over to Christ, but then grew up and maybe got distracted a little. It's not like I left and went anywhere, I just sort of drifted. "Yes God, I know but... later." Later. Well, God may be patient, but sooner or later he is willing to confront you with the fact that he has things he needs you to do, and enough is enough.
This is when you find yourself on your knees, alone, at the altar of a Catholic sancuary... even though you aren't Catholic.
She left me. (see previous blog entries for details, pretty much any of them, take your pick.) As you accidently, and unknowlingly place your identity in somthing that can walk away from you, you will come to witness firsthand what it means to be truly lost. She left, and I remained stagnant and confused. If you'll pardon my french, standing around with my thumb up my ass. While in this state of of aimless breathing and pointless existence, you don't comprehend much around you. Your thought processes are short. You're constantly distracted. Misplace your keys alot. You become very focused on yourself, because it takes more energy and and a longer thought process (which you do not have) to think about others. Thus, you really sort of become isolated. Leave community for a bit. Mentally check out. Hit the road. Go bye-bye...
You get the idea...
So you're at work one day, and on this particular day the maintenence guy that unlocks all the doors for you at the church so that you can do your job is too busy to stick around. So he leaves. He unlocks the doors and he leaves, and you find yourself alone in a Catholic sanctuary. You intend to do your job, but your thought processes are very short, constantly interrupting themselves with self-pity and doubt, thus: distracted. So Catholic or not, you decide this is a rare opportunity, to be alone in such a place, and think maybe it is a good time to have a look around.
Silence is about the only thing that could descibe this room. Finally dropping, for just a moment, the responsibilities of my job and focusing on the aching of my heart, it doesnt take but a moment of such selfish thoughts in a place like this to realize how silly I have been. How small I am. How big God is, and how much we are all squandering our potential. Treading lightly, ponderously, and slowly around the room, I decide for the (n)th time in my life that my worries really aren't much to worry about at all. Though this is much harder to swallow than ever before, somewhere in there the spirit resides and comforts me in that same framiliar way I have known for years.
In a room as such, with the history of decades of prayer, baptisms, weddings, prayer, funerals, worship and more prayer, I felt insipred to give God a gesture. Feeling the community that had long gathered here in search of comfort, answers and peace, I walked to the front. These walls... the prayers they heard, and the tears this carpet must have gathered, I knelt.
If I used words to speak to God that day I cannot recall. I know where my heart was though, and it was lost. Kneeling at the front of this room, I redevoted my heart to where it belongs. The normally creepy crucifix hanging high and large above me seemed all to knowing and forgiving that day. For the first time in literally years, my heart began to remember the definition of peace. Though still in turmoil, I knew He would lead me to where He needed.
Its been in the neighborhood of five and half years since that day. Little did I know at that time, He wasn't done getting my attention. A few months later I would break a bone in my cervical spine in a cycling accident, narrowly escaping paralysis. A few months after that, I had no choice but to leave a job I greatly cared about. These were Two more ways I was unknowingly trying to identify myself with some temporal, worldly thing, and not Him were removed (that is to say that my rather active lifestyle would become immensly different if I were to begin doing it from a wheel chair, and my occupation seemed to be where quite a few of my dreams for my life would lay). I had to accept all this as something He was demonstrating for me as to His plans for my life, which would apparently have nothing to do with anything I concieved on my own.
After the course of six months, I found myself living a brand new life. It looked nothing like it had before.
It took a couple years to really understand how far away I had gone. For at least a year and a half I prayed, "for her" though really it would seem this was just my way of trying finally to release my idol to Him. As I could not stop thinking about her, the next best thing was to take those thoughts to God in hopes that he would relieve me of them. After the 18 months of letting her go, it would seem I finally began trying to understand where things went wrong: Que another 18 months of focusing on self improvment (as well as continuing to let her go). After that, I began to earnestly re-enter the idea of relationships and community.
Smartest thing I ever did.
That is, to postpone certain replationships until I knew I could keep them within proper boundaries, with the correct perpective, without the overwhelming baggage.
It is a bit of a lame catch phrase, but it is an important lesson none the less. When God says, "Don't" what he really means is, "Don't hurt yourself."
As we have established in the past, there is a Hierarchy of relationships in community. First a man must be right with God before he can be right with his wife. A husband and wife must both be right with God and eachother if they are to have a healthy family. Healthy familys make healthy communities, which in turn make healthy towns, then so fourth to the state, to the nation, and to the world. If men are not right with God, the world will certainly reap the turmoil that follows.
As such, it made sense to me yesterday to step inside that sancuary once again, as I do four times a year, every time remembering the somewhat pivotal moment of that day, and thinking to myself about how much has changed in five years. I still pray to God for myself, but the purposes of that have changed some. Interestingly though, is how much I have begun to pray for others. I worry sometimes that I am living a fruitless life, but when I look at the nature of my prayers over the years, I am comforted to know that there must be something of greater importance at work in me, as I have moved away from strict selfishness and have begun praying for things outside myself.
Facebook has been no small part of this education. Many people see it as a forum for pushing their own agendas, telling others how to be, bringing about their own ideas and politics and insulting those that would think differently from themselves. I for one am glad to have learned so much about what others think through such passive observation. Though I rarely agree with anyone, even those who the world would say I am supposed to agree with, I have realized how damaging words can be.
Though the opinions and Ideas are many, and it is tempting to get frustrated with the world as I scroll through it on my phone or computer, I have decided to try and treat this thing called Facebook as a bit of a prayer list for all the people I know. So maybe we don't see eye to eye. I have come to expect that. I will simply continue to pray for all of us. There are those times when i don't have the words, sure, but as I learned that day at the altar, words are not needed. (Romans 8:26) I will continue to present my heart of good will towards all of you to God, and he will produce the fruit where he sees fit.
So maybe He does something for you and your life as you know it gets all confusing and different and caddywompus and wonky... and maybe one day you find yourself on your knees, alone, at the altar of a Catholic sancuary... even though you aren't Catholic...