I don't want to see tomorrow.
So I thought I would journal this; this meaning my feelings, now. Because, I have nobody else to go to, nobody cares. I mean does anybody even really care? Probably not. I feel suicidal right now, like I don't feel the urge to end my life but I feel like this isn't my life. Like I want to run away from my house for the night and go stay somewhere else, but I have nowhere to go. Basically, my dad is getting an award from his college as a distinguished alumni and hes like so proud and thinks its a big deal and all that. And I'lm happy for him I think thats awesome. but I don't feel like I need to go to the ceremony. The ceremony, btw, is in PHILADELPHIA and they are leaving at 7:30AM. It involves 'breakfast' at 9, then the auditorium at 11 then lunch or something. So, they asked me if I wanted to go and I'm thinking...why would I want to do that? why?. I asked my mom that question and she went on this semi drunken spiel about how this is important to my dad and its part of being a family to be there and how I do get to make my own decision , however if I decide not to go my dad will be disappointed. I have things to do tomorrow! Well I guess it is today...Tuesday. I have appointments! My dad approached me about this a month ago (like I'm gonna remember that) and then again on Saturday...how am I supposed to have time to shift my day around? And all for this one moment in time, where my dad will be handed a plaque or get a brick or something, and the only thing I'm gaining from it is that I am there because its important to my dad that I be there. I know, it should be about giving not about what I want or what I am gaining. But get real thats not how the world works, seriously. Anyone who doesn't see that is either ignorant or in denial. So basically its a day stuck in the car with my parents for 2 hours each way, me having gotten little or no sleep (there's no way ill be able to fall asleep before 2:30), and definitely feeling like crap. Also, I'd like to be able to have a cigarette, so I don't completely lose my mind. Today, though, I discovered that my dad did not know that I smoked. He asked me if my friends smoked, because he found a bunch of the same brand of cigarette butts on the road near our house. I told him yes, but its most likely the woman who lives down the street who smokes while walking her dog twice a day. So that will be news to him tomorrow, if I go. I was thinking I could take my own car, skip the breakfast thing and be there for the ceremony at 11 and stay until the end (hopefully before 2). That's all fine and dandy except that did I mention its in PHILADELPHIA! Where, it is not always sunny unfortunately. Which is like an hour and a half to two hours away. So I'd be driving there for 2 hrs, staying for 3 hours, then driving 2 hours. Worth it? Definitely not. Necessary, maybe.
I know, 'oh poor you oh life's so tough' is what anybody who reads this (meaning, myself since nobody else ever does) will think. But honestly, I have to chose between being miserable there - And how I know for a fact that misery will be involved, because I can be sure of at least 4 things: I will be tired, and will be in a crappy mood (result of the tiredness and/or wanting to smoke), I will not feel well (happens when you are me and you wake up in the morning...especially early), and I will be bored, and will have to shake hands and meet a bunch of random annoying people who I may or may not dislike. - And behind door #2, the other option, is not going, and being miserable here: due to 1) guilt, 2) guilt 3) my parents making me feel guilty and 4) I will never hear the end of it and it could, and probably will, at least in some small way, alter my relationship with them forever. Even though at the moment door #2 sounds far better, and worth it. I could sleep, I could see Orla, I could do the things that my parents have asked me to do, like clean out and tidy the guest bedroom, I could take care of my pets properly, I would do a bunch of things on my to do list that I need to do tomorrow. Yes, it is true that I can do some of those things on other days, but it is not ideal.
And I'm just totally 100% NOT okay with the situation I'm now in.
If this was in say, Manhattan, I'd be fine with it. But it's a trip. Granted, not that far away, but still out of the way.
Whether I do go or I don't go, my dad will still get his award, still be happy, and I'll still be happy for him. I don't know why I have to witness this event with my own eyes and ears. What if I was deaf and blind? Would my presence have the same meaning to him?
I know, 'oh poor you oh life's so tough' is what anybody who reads this (meaning, myself since nobody else ever does) will think. But honestly, I have to chose between being miserable there - And how I know for a fact that misery will be involved, because I can be sure of at least 4 things: I will be tired, and will be in a crappy mood (result of the tiredness and/or wanting to smoke), I will not feel well (happens when you are me and you wake up in the morning...especially early), and I will be bored, and will have to shake hands and meet a bunch of random annoying people who I may or may not dislike. - And behind door #2, the other option, is not going, and being miserable here: due to 1) guilt, 2) guilt 3) my parents making me feel guilty and 4) I will never hear the end of it and it could, and probably will, at least in some small way, alter my relationship with them forever. Even though at the moment door #2 sounds far better, and worth it. I could sleep, I could see Orla, I could do the things that my parents have asked me to do, like clean out and tidy the guest bedroom, I could take care of my pets properly, I would do a bunch of things on my to do list that I need to do tomorrow. Yes, it is true that I can do some of those things on other days, but it is not ideal.
And I'm just totally 100% NOT okay with the situation I'm now in.
If this was in say, Manhattan, I'd be fine with it. But it's a trip. Granted, not that far away, but still out of the way.
Whether I do go or I don't go, my dad will still get his award, still be happy, and I'll still be happy for him. I don't know why I have to witness this event with my own eyes and ears. What if I was deaf and blind? Would my presence have the same meaning to him?