(Untitled)

[pottersues]

Here is day one of “All in the Summary” where the name of the Sue is in the summary. No, I'm not counting yesterdays entry in with this weeks. That also said, I'm hoping the entries are more interesting then yesterdays.

TITLE: Gypsy Magic: The Yoska Freska Chronicles
PERPETRATOR: Kami2015
SUE-O-METER:

Comments

The Suethor Strikes Back

[kami2016]

OMG!11! U GUYZ CNT FLAM MA STORY
Haha but really I am the actual author to this little story. I found this page recently I would like to respond to some of the criticisms stated here. Many of you have made excellent points and criticisms regarding my very heavy OC fanfiction, and I thank you guys for actually taking time to read it. The author of this blog should also be commended, you make some great points. However I must at least try and defend my first outing(and really only) outing into fanfiction.
First off I am not even going to bother trying to argue details like his skin color or an earring that I had forgotten about by chapter two. I'll be the first to admit that it was a pretty stupid detail, and totally out of line with what Hogwarts students typically wear.
Grievance the first: "This falls flat though due o the fact Gypsy's have their own form of magic and because the writer is mislabeling his character as Muggleborn."
A unique form of magic would not, in my opinion, disqualify someone from being labeled as a muggleborn. I think that you have implied something without having all the details available to you, which is understandable considering that the story is ongoing. In later chapters I clarify that his father was a muggle (chapter seven I believe) and have been aloof about his mother's exact classification . Also in the aforementioned chapter it is revealed that Yoska did not have any prior knowledge of magic. I will admit though that in chapter one it would be easy to assume that all Gypsies have this sort of magic.
Grievance the second:" I believe the girl he's supposed to be winning over is Cho."
This one is simply not true. The AN in chapter two clearly states that this takes place one year be for Harry's first year. That would make Cho eleven in this story, five years younger than Yoska. Creep factor aside, I reveal the girl in chapter three (Delia Travers another OC). Again, I can not seem to find when I published chapter three so you may not have known this at the time of writing the article.
I feel as though chapter three of the story addresses most of your concerns, as it does somewhat clear up his magical background. Your points are valid for the first two chapters though. Upon reflection, this story has a very weak start to it. I will likely be redoing chapter one. You made an excellent point about why Yoska was targeted by Flint to begin with, I can't believe that I didn't do more with that.
Personally I feel as though my summary was the most cringe worthy part of this. I must have been high when I wrote that. I also noticed quite a bit of spelling and grammar mistakes througghout the story, i suppose I should learn to slow down and do more intensive self-editing. Also those author notes...my God are they embarrassing. I will have to take those down ASAP. As for being all about Yoska, well that has to do with my philosophy on fanfiction. To be honest I am not interested in writing a Harry Potter story about him or his friends. I wanted to play around about with the Potterverse itself, and I though the best way was to make new characters. Am I right? Probably not but I enjoy writing it.
Thank all of you for reading my story, I hope you enjoyed something from it. Would I call Yoska a Gary Sue? Yes, he defiantly has some cookie cutter qualities about him. All of this criticism means a lot to me. I have posted a link to my updated story, I feel as though some of the criticisms here have already been addressed.
Thank you pottersues and minions!

Re: The Suethor Strikes Back

[yemi_hikari]

"A unique form of magic would not, in my opinion, disqualify someone from being labeled as a muggleborn."

The term Muggleborn means neither the father or mother could be labeled as a wizard or a witch. Those who have a Muggleborn in their ancestory are Half-Bloods, not Muggleborns. He can't be called a Muggleborn if either one of his parents can use magic, and he can't be called a half-blood if the Gypsy have magic running through their blood line.

They're more likely to be suspected of having non-human blood if they showed a sign of having unique magic, but this isn't always the case. Look at Tonks for example. This said... his magic isn't unique. Wandless magic is as I've pointed out a sign that someone is able to greatly control their magic ability.

...

I don't think you're wrong. A writer can turn a canon character into a Gary Stu just as easily as an OC. How well a person is able to play around and explore any given fandom is based on...

a.) how well they know the fandom
b.) knowing the ins and outs of what to do and not to do

Enjoy what you write even if it is a Gary Stu. It's part of the learning process all writers go through... except for female writers it's Mary Sues.

P.S. Thank you for the way you've responded. Usually when Suethors... or in your case Stuthors... find the blog... well, things don't go so well.

Re: The Suethor Strikes Back

[kami2016]

I'm seeing your point on the muggleborn issue. *Spoilers for unwritten content* I would probably classify him as closer to half-blood in hindsight. This hasn't been written yet so there was no way you could have known but Yoska's father is a muggle with a squib for a mother. On Yoska's mother's side, it's a bit more complicated. I have read heavily implied that the women in his family are uncannily clairvoyant(which I had established as a branch of Romani magic). The idea was that Yoska's mother was a descendant of the original Romani wizards. She can't really use magic, but I would say that the potential was there. I honestly don't know what that would make Yoska, though I think your right with the classification of half-blood.
Calling his magic totally unique is also wrong on my part. Basically Romani/Gypsy magic was designed as a largely forgotten branch of magic. I had forgotten that their were examples of wandless magic while developing the idea. I shall be keeping this criticism in mind as I elaborate on the idea in future chapters, I'm actually preparing to release a sequel story once this original run is complete and I will be sure to work on better connecting it to the larger canon. So I'll go on record here; Romani magic is not racially exclusive and Romani wizards can learn to use a wand. I do intend to go back and correct his and wi be reffering to this page when I do.
As for Yoska returning home for the holidays, well he actually doesn't. As bad as this sounds from a registered suethor, he actually travels parts of Europe looking for scraps of information about his wizarding ancestors. In my story, the founding of Hogwarts is connected to a war waged between the Romani Sorcerers and the wizards of Europe. Long story short, the Romani lost and were wiped out. Essentially Yoska sees himself as the inheritor of that tradition. So he actually hasn't been home since he was ten years old (his family actually kicked him out) and once he was old enough (like 13ish) he began looking for information about his ancestors around Europe. His relation with his family is quite strained, something that I should have at least mentioned during the early chapters, hell even a throwaway line would have cleared this all up.
Thank you for your criticism, honestly I am very happy to have found this page. Many of you made such awesome points that I wish that I could pick your brains for more ways to improve my story. This blog is wonderful!
I actually have an original story I wrote like two years ago. The first four chapters are kind of rough and I've never received real criticism for them. I plan on finishing it and I would love it if you would consider giving this the same comb over as this story. You're an awesome critic!

Re: The Suethor Strikes Back

[yemi_hikari]

Sounds like you're in a similar boat I am for some of my earlier works. I made the mistake of not revealing things when I should, or how I should have. Rewriting isn't a bad idea - particularly when you do have a good idea like you do. The best time to do it though is when you feel you're absolutely ready to do it.