0009: Staring Across a Crowded Room - Jayne Sunbird
Sorry for the late Sue this morning... I've been having some internet trouble. This will be a short review, because I'm on a school computer and I don't want to be late for class.
TITLE: Staring Across a Crowded Room
PERPETRATOR: divine*soean
SUE-O-METER: (how bad is it?)
WRITING: ***
SUEAGE: **
WRONGNESS:
*
FULL NAME: Jayne Sunbird
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none so far
POSESSIONS: none so far
ORIGIN: The daughter of wizard parents, but was apparently raised in the Muggle world - she hates having to go to Hogwarts and leaving her friends behind.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ginny's new best friend, has such hots for some boy (exactly who is never mentioned, but I'm betting Draco) that she bursts into tears in the middle of the great hall.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: None so far
NOTES: I refer you first to the title... gag me with a spoon!
I refer you second to the name of the main character. Sunbird!?
I refer you third to the fact that the fic switches suddenly from 3rd person to 1st person in the middle of the sorting.
This doesn't seem to be a terribly... er... terrible sue, actually. Just another little girl wishing she could go to Hogwarts. And as such, it is completely un-interesting.
SAMPLE:
As Jayne walked into the Great Hall a feeling of security overwhelmed her.
"Gosh, I never imagined it to look anything like this." said Ginny. The ginger headed first year that Jayne had met on the train seemed to be quite quiet but just as nervous as Jayne.
"I know it's huge, look over there." Jayne replied.
All the teachers were sitting around the large table at one end of the Great Hall. They all had welcoming faces except one. This one teacher was male and was dressed all in black. He had a suspicious look over his face. There was no time to worry about who he was and how fit he looked.
A tall elderly woman stood up and made her way to the front. She began to talk,
"Gather round first years. Now when I call out your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted." said Professor McGonagall as she stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment. "Sunbird, Jayne!"
I felt my stomach turn at least ten times before I plucked up the courage to move. I started to walk up towards the stool. I sat on the cold wood and braced myself.
"Well this is interesting. I have never seen anything like this before." said the small voice.
"Please put me anywhere, just let me get down." I thought to myself.
"Now I could place you into Hufflepuff but I don't think you would achieve your full potential. Well there is Slytherin, but I cannot see the need to prove yourself. Well this is a hard one.
Time was ticking. It seemed like I had been on the stool for hours. Everyone was looking at me. I hated it. I hated every second. I wanted to jump off the stool. The whole process leading up to this moment had been so fast. Leaving the muggle world being forced to leave all my friends behind.
"Ooh, I went to Hogwarts. It was the best thing that ever happened to me! I'm so proud of you!"
"I met your Mother there! It was wonderful wasn't it June."
"Yes. Oh and I remember watching you play Quidditch. I miss the old days don't you?
My stupid fecking parents. Always wanting the best for me! I hate this place I wish I could go home. Why did I have to be a stupid witch?
"GRYFFINDOR!" yelled the hat.
At last I could get down from this stupid podium. I rushed over to the Gryffindor table, making sure I didn't fall over, where I sat next to a brown hared girl who introduced herself as Hermione Granger.
"Welcome to Gryffindor. I'm Hermione Granger."
"I'm Jayne Sunbird."
"Hogwarts must seem rather big to you. I remember when I was sorted. It feels like ages ago and such alot has happened since then."
More students were sorted including Ginny who was also put into Gryffindor. By the end of the ceremony I was starving and my stomach was making funny noises.
At last Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet. With his arms opened wide he said, "Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Welcome to our new students. Now without further ado, let the feast begin!"
The hall erupted with students cheering and clapping. Then all the golden dishes in front of us filled with food.
"Come on dig in." encouraged Ginny.
As I started to eat I glanced across to the table opposite. He was messing on with his friends. Laughing, joking. He was the center of attention. Everyone on his table seemed to be hanging onto his every word. He was gorgeous. I couldn't stop myself from looking. I took a massive gulp of pumpkin juice. I started coughing. I could hardly breath. I could feel the tears crawling down my face. Ginny stood up
"Someone help her." She cried.
I don't think Ginny knew that the liquid had only gone down the wrong way.
The Hall fell quiet. Everyone stopped eating and look up. I stopped coughing; Ginny looked down at me and saw that I was ok. Very slowly she sat down. Her face was the same colour as her hair.
"I just made a fool of myself haven't I!"
"Em...No don't worry."
The sound of clattering knives and forks filled the hall once again as everyone continued eating. I didn't feel like eating anymore, I had just made Ginny look like a complete fool and I didn't look to good either! Who was the boy? I needed more. Once again I looked up. He was looking at me. No, not looking staring. Those blue eyes, I kept falling deeper and deeper into them. Someone help me, I'm drowning. There was a feeling inside of me I had never felt before. It felt a bit like when you go down a really big roller coaster. I couldn't stand it any longer. I looked away. I had to check though, was he looking at me? Once more i lifted my eyes and he had gone. The feast was over and most people had left.
"Are you coming or are you going to sleep down here?" Joked Ginny. "Come on Percy, my brother will show us to the dormitories."
What had just happened? Who was he? I had so many questions that needed answers. They would all have to wait until the morning.
"This stupid school, gah honestly."
"What?" enquired Ginny as she lay in her four poster bed next to mine.
"Oh, nothing. Good night."
"Night night."
TITLE: Staring Across a Crowded Room
PERPETRATOR: divine*soean
SUE-O-METER: (how bad is it?)
WRITING: ***
SUEAGE: **
WRONGNESS:
*
FULL NAME: Jayne Sunbird
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: not described
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none so far
POSESSIONS: none so far
ORIGIN: The daughter of wizard parents, but was apparently raised in the Muggle world - she hates having to go to Hogwarts and leaving her friends behind.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ginny's new best friend, has such hots for some boy (exactly who is never mentioned, but I'm betting Draco) that she bursts into tears in the middle of the great hall.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: None so far
NOTES: I refer you first to the title... gag me with a spoon!
I refer you second to the name of the main character. Sunbird!?
I refer you third to the fact that the fic switches suddenly from 3rd person to 1st person in the middle of the sorting.
This doesn't seem to be a terribly... er... terrible sue, actually. Just another little girl wishing she could go to Hogwarts. And as such, it is completely un-interesting.
SAMPLE:
As Jayne walked into the Great Hall a feeling of security overwhelmed her.
"Gosh, I never imagined it to look anything like this." said Ginny. The ginger headed first year that Jayne had met on the train seemed to be quite quiet but just as nervous as Jayne.
"I know it's huge, look over there." Jayne replied.
All the teachers were sitting around the large table at one end of the Great Hall. They all had welcoming faces except one. This one teacher was male and was dressed all in black. He had a suspicious look over his face. There was no time to worry about who he was and how fit he looked.
A tall elderly woman stood up and made her way to the front. She began to talk,
"Gather round first years. Now when I call out your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted." said Professor McGonagall as she stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment. "Sunbird, Jayne!"
I felt my stomach turn at least ten times before I plucked up the courage to move. I started to walk up towards the stool. I sat on the cold wood and braced myself.
"Well this is interesting. I have never seen anything like this before." said the small voice.
"Please put me anywhere, just let me get down." I thought to myself.
"Now I could place you into Hufflepuff but I don't think you would achieve your full potential. Well there is Slytherin, but I cannot see the need to prove yourself. Well this is a hard one.
Time was ticking. It seemed like I had been on the stool for hours. Everyone was looking at me. I hated it. I hated every second. I wanted to jump off the stool. The whole process leading up to this moment had been so fast. Leaving the muggle world being forced to leave all my friends behind.
"Ooh, I went to Hogwarts. It was the best thing that ever happened to me! I'm so proud of you!"
"I met your Mother there! It was wonderful wasn't it June."
"Yes. Oh and I remember watching you play Quidditch. I miss the old days don't you?
My stupid fecking parents. Always wanting the best for me! I hate this place I wish I could go home. Why did I have to be a stupid witch?
"GRYFFINDOR!" yelled the hat.
At last I could get down from this stupid podium. I rushed over to the Gryffindor table, making sure I didn't fall over, where I sat next to a brown hared girl who introduced herself as Hermione Granger.
"Welcome to Gryffindor. I'm Hermione Granger."
"I'm Jayne Sunbird."
"Hogwarts must seem rather big to you. I remember when I was sorted. It feels like ages ago and such alot has happened since then."
More students were sorted including Ginny who was also put into Gryffindor. By the end of the ceremony I was starving and my stomach was making funny noises.
At last Professor Dumbledore rose to his feet. With his arms opened wide he said, "Welcome! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Welcome to our new students. Now without further ado, let the feast begin!"
The hall erupted with students cheering and clapping. Then all the golden dishes in front of us filled with food.
"Come on dig in." encouraged Ginny.
As I started to eat I glanced across to the table opposite. He was messing on with his friends. Laughing, joking. He was the center of attention. Everyone on his table seemed to be hanging onto his every word. He was gorgeous. I couldn't stop myself from looking. I took a massive gulp of pumpkin juice. I started coughing. I could hardly breath. I could feel the tears crawling down my face. Ginny stood up
"Someone help her." She cried.
I don't think Ginny knew that the liquid had only gone down the wrong way.
The Hall fell quiet. Everyone stopped eating and look up. I stopped coughing; Ginny looked down at me and saw that I was ok. Very slowly she sat down. Her face was the same colour as her hair.
"I just made a fool of myself haven't I!"
"Em...No don't worry."
The sound of clattering knives and forks filled the hall once again as everyone continued eating. I didn't feel like eating anymore, I had just made Ginny look like a complete fool and I didn't look to good either! Who was the boy? I needed more. Once again I looked up. He was looking at me. No, not looking staring. Those blue eyes, I kept falling deeper and deeper into them. Someone help me, I'm drowning. There was a feeling inside of me I had never felt before. It felt a bit like when you go down a really big roller coaster. I couldn't stand it any longer. I looked away. I had to check though, was he looking at me? Once more i lifted my eyes and he had gone. The feast was over and most people had left.
"Are you coming or are you going to sleep down here?" Joked Ginny. "Come on Percy, my brother will show us to the dormitories."
What had just happened? Who was he? I had so many questions that needed answers. They would all have to wait until the morning.
"This stupid school, gah honestly."
"What?" enquired Ginny as she lay in her four poster bed next to mine.
"Oh, nothing. Good night."
"Night night."