4180: The Twisted Tale of Loraline - Loraline (no last name)
Don’t you just love getting sick? I feel better now though.
Title: The Twisted Tale of Loraline
Perpetrator: AJay131
Sue-O-Meter: Awful (though I think this will eventually go into the Toxic range)
Cover/Banner Art: Is that Bella Swan from Twilight. No, it’s not, but I’m reminded of her, which is not a good thing, I think.
Summary: “Loraline knew better than most the impact of a name. They could be make or break, live or die. Yet people seemed to forget that a name was just that, it was only a name, it was only ever what you made of it. When dark forces begin to pull at the thread of her heritage, can Loraline gamble her life as she sheds everything they want her to be to save her name, and to save her love.”
Full Name: Loraline
Species: She’s a French Sue.
Hair: “Which was a stark contrast to her jet black hair that flowed in loose curls down to the small of her back.”
Eyes: “She had been born with eyes that could see straight through everyone, piercing light blue with flecks of grey in them, which gave the impression that they had frozen over.”
Markings: “Her face was scattered with freckles that her mother always teased were like the reflection of the stars in the night sky.”
Possessions: She reads, and listens to music on her “radio or her record player”.
Connection to Canon: None? The first half of the first chapter is an info dump regarding the beauty of France and how she attended violin lessons as a child, but there is a note about how “Loraline had been sat in the doorway away from all the paint giggling to herself as she made tiny little glittering stars appear around her Mother as she painted. The second time was when her Mother had told her off for stealing chocolates out of the kitchen before dinner and she hid away in her wardrobe, yet whilst she was sulking the chocolate in the cupboards had upped and walked their way into her bedroom and under the wardrobe door.” I don’t see how this is important to the story, beyond showing the character is magical. We then have Loraline hearing about the attack at the Quidditch World Cup. We’re told she has some kind of mysterious heritage as well. (Please, please, not another daughter of Voldemort. Please.) We then find out her mother had been in an arranged marriage, but beyond that, nothing. Not even how our Sue came to have step-father despite this arranged marriage her mother was in being so important. Second chapter has talk of her going back to school, and Loraline has this “I’m not like the other gossipy girls who play with boys hearts” thing going on, and I’m rolling my eyes. (Show us, don’t tell us! Most of the time, these “pure” girls aren’t pure at all. It ends with her being excited to go to Hogwarts, where she’s to be paired with Fred.
Origin: “Music was something that was a constant to her, it never failed to keep her quiet, she would let the melodies spark her imagination. She would think up stories and scenarios in her head to match the feel of the music.” I wonder how much of this also applies to the writer.
Special Abilities: There are only two chapters up, but already the Sue has special eyes. The “small of the back” is just another word for waist length hair, and we’ve dissected her on Pottersues how long hair is a pain, yet Sues with hair this length go about their days without hair of this length being a problem. For some reason we’re made to know about her accidental magic as a child, but all flaws so far are meant to endear. Actually, I wouldn’t call them flaws - freckles, accidental magic. Instead, she’s a Purity Sue, but I’m asking what she’s supposed to bring to the table, other than being a love interest for Fred
Notes: The prose is pretty. Then again, we've got a Purity Sue, so...
Sample:
She had been born with eyes that could see straight through anyone, piercing light blue with flecks of grey in them, which gave the impression that they had frozen over. Which was a stark contrast to her jet black hair that flowed in loose curls down to the small of her back. Her face was scattered with freckles that her Mother always teased were like the reflection of the stars in the night sky. Yet it wasn't her less than frequently seen together features that made her more unique than the other children in the small French village, it was the face that she was a witch.
The first time she had let her magic slip was when her Mother was painting stars onto the ceiling of her daughters brand new room after they had moved. Her Mother had always loved the stars and quite often told her daughter stories about how stars had got their names, and how some joined together to make pictures. So it had been obvious to her to paint them on the ceiling so that when the clouds were thick, they could still see them. Loraline had been sat in the doorway away from all the paint giggling to herself as she made tiny little glittering stars appear around her Mother as she painted. The second time was when her Mother had told her off for stealing chocolates out of the kitchen before dinner and she hid away in her wardrobe, yet whilst she was sulking the chocolate in the cupboards had upped and walked their own way into her bedroom and under the wardrobe door.
Loraline sucked in a deep breath as another song ended on the radio leading way into the news update from the French Ministry News. She let herself slip a little further into the highly cushioned wicker chair, one hand twirling at the ends of her hair whilst the other reached for her drink. That was when she heard it.
"British Ministry for Magic is left with the aftermath of the Quidditch World Cup as a large group dressed as Death Eaters storm through the campsite causing…"
"Maman!" She called, sitting up straight in her seat and turning the volume dial up loader.
Title: The Twisted Tale of Loraline
Perpetrator: AJay131
Sue-O-Meter: Awful (though I think this will eventually go into the Toxic range)
Cover/Banner Art: Is that Bella Swan from Twilight. No, it’s not, but I’m reminded of her, which is not a good thing, I think.
Summary: “Loraline knew better than most the impact of a name. They could be make or break, live or die. Yet people seemed to forget that a name was just that, it was only a name, it was only ever what you made of it. When dark forces begin to pull at the thread of her heritage, can Loraline gamble her life as she sheds everything they want her to be to save her name, and to save her love.”
Full Name: Loraline
Species: She’s a French Sue.
Hair: “Which was a stark contrast to her jet black hair that flowed in loose curls down to the small of her back.”
Eyes: “She had been born with eyes that could see straight through everyone, piercing light blue with flecks of grey in them, which gave the impression that they had frozen over.”
Markings: “Her face was scattered with freckles that her mother always teased were like the reflection of the stars in the night sky.”
Possessions: She reads, and listens to music on her “radio or her record player”.
Connection to Canon: None? The first half of the first chapter is an info dump regarding the beauty of France and how she attended violin lessons as a child, but there is a note about how “Loraline had been sat in the doorway away from all the paint giggling to herself as she made tiny little glittering stars appear around her Mother as she painted. The second time was when her Mother had told her off for stealing chocolates out of the kitchen before dinner and she hid away in her wardrobe, yet whilst she was sulking the chocolate in the cupboards had upped and walked their way into her bedroom and under the wardrobe door.” I don’t see how this is important to the story, beyond showing the character is magical. We then have Loraline hearing about the attack at the Quidditch World Cup. We’re told she has some kind of mysterious heritage as well. (Please, please, not another daughter of Voldemort. Please.) We then find out her mother had been in an arranged marriage, but beyond that, nothing. Not even how our Sue came to have step-father despite this arranged marriage her mother was in being so important. Second chapter has talk of her going back to school, and Loraline has this “I’m not like the other gossipy girls who play with boys hearts” thing going on, and I’m rolling my eyes. (Show us, don’t tell us! Most of the time, these “pure” girls aren’t pure at all. It ends with her being excited to go to Hogwarts, where she’s to be paired with Fred.
Origin: “Music was something that was a constant to her, it never failed to keep her quiet, she would let the melodies spark her imagination. She would think up stories and scenarios in her head to match the feel of the music.” I wonder how much of this also applies to the writer.
Special Abilities: There are only two chapters up, but already the Sue has special eyes. The “small of the back” is just another word for waist length hair, and we’ve dissected her on Pottersues how long hair is a pain, yet Sues with hair this length go about their days without hair of this length being a problem. For some reason we’re made to know about her accidental magic as a child, but all flaws so far are meant to endear. Actually, I wouldn’t call them flaws - freckles, accidental magic. Instead, she’s a Purity Sue, but I’m asking what she’s supposed to bring to the table, other than being a love interest for Fred
Notes: The prose is pretty. Then again, we've got a Purity Sue, so...
Sample:
She had been born with eyes that could see straight through anyone, piercing light blue with flecks of grey in them, which gave the impression that they had frozen over. Which was a stark contrast to her jet black hair that flowed in loose curls down to the small of her back. Her face was scattered with freckles that her Mother always teased were like the reflection of the stars in the night sky. Yet it wasn't her less than frequently seen together features that made her more unique than the other children in the small French village, it was the face that she was a witch.
The first time she had let her magic slip was when her Mother was painting stars onto the ceiling of her daughters brand new room after they had moved. Her Mother had always loved the stars and quite often told her daughter stories about how stars had got their names, and how some joined together to make pictures. So it had been obvious to her to paint them on the ceiling so that when the clouds were thick, they could still see them. Loraline had been sat in the doorway away from all the paint giggling to herself as she made tiny little glittering stars appear around her Mother as she painted. The second time was when her Mother had told her off for stealing chocolates out of the kitchen before dinner and she hid away in her wardrobe, yet whilst she was sulking the chocolate in the cupboards had upped and walked their own way into her bedroom and under the wardrobe door.
Loraline sucked in a deep breath as another song ended on the radio leading way into the news update from the French Ministry News. She let herself slip a little further into the highly cushioned wicker chair, one hand twirling at the ends of her hair whilst the other reached for her drink. That was when she heard it.
"British Ministry for Magic is left with the aftermath of the Quidditch World Cup as a large group dressed as Death Eaters storm through the campsite causing…"
"Maman!" She called, sitting up straight in her seat and turning the volume dial up loader.