Chapter two - The letter
Title : The year that went by
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Characters: Snape, Lily, Dumbledore, Voldemort.
Pairings: Snape/Lily.
Warnings: Mild violence, DH spoilers.
Disclaimer: The following characters are the property of JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Chapter one
Chapter two
The letter
"Since you are a member of the Order now, I wanted you to learn a few things that the rest of the members have been taught as well." said Dumbledore.
Severus was already taxed beyond limit every night owing to both his teaching and spying responsibilities. However he was going to draw the line if Dumbledore was suggesting that he use whatever it is he wanted him to learn and march off into battle.
He listened apprehensively as Dumbledore continued. "Since it is inconvenient for each of you to communicate with each other most of the time,which holds mostly true for you Severus as you are constantly among the Death eaters, I devised an ingenious method to overcome the usual troubles of apparition and secrecy."
Severus stiffened slightly in his chair. He hadn't yet mingled properly with the other members. Although he had been formally introduced to them in one of the meetings, in which gladly Lily and Potter hadn't taken part , as they were already in hiding. Black of course was present and was putting in every bit of effort into restraining himself from punching him. He was accompanied by his obsequious crony Pettigrew who looked paler than usual and his werewolf buddy Lupin, who seemed to try extra hard to obscure his apparent shock and failed miserably.
But that had been the general response among the rest of the members,when Dumbledore claimed that he had reformed and would be spying for them. The only two people who didn't seem to display any signs of incredulity,or rather did a good job of covering it up was Hagrid the games keeper and Minerva Mcgonagall. Both of them seemed to trust Dumbledore ostensibly and didn't feel the need to question him.
Aberforth on the other hand seemed disgruntled and didn't let anything hold him back from questioning Dumbledore as to why he trusted him. Dumbledore merely smiled and evaded the question by answering that the matter was between him and Severus and that he was fully convinced of his loyalty. Snape at this point had let out a huge sigh of relief. For a moment he doubted whether Dumbledore would declare the reason why he deserted the Death Eaters. He was waiting to apparate out of there in case that happened.
But he had never had to communicate with any of them till now. His reports were usually given to Dumbledore in person and he had yet to attend another order meeting.
"This method involves using your patronus. You do know how to conjure one I presume?" asked Dumbledore
Snape nodded. "But its been a while.." he added.
Severus had conjured his patronus only on two occasions so far. Once during the actual NEWT level charms class when they were taught how to produce one. And the other when he was asked to demonstrate one during the practical bit of their examination.
"Well that makes things a lot easier". Dumbledore replied. "Could I ask you to show me your patronus?" he said
Snape concurred as he took out his wand and took a moment to recall the spell. The next part he knew was the difficult bit as he had to think of an extremely happy memory, one of the reasons why he detested and mostly avoided using a patronus. He hadn't led a fruitful life and he didn't have a chalk full of happy memories, to choose one at leisure.
The only source of happiness in his life was Lily, and the only happy memories he had were related to her, which were also the ones he had used when he conjured the patronus the previous two times. He closed his eyes and thought of the evenings they spent together near the park, holding hands and looking over at the sunset.
"Expecto patronum" he shouted.
From the tip of his wand erupted a silvery bat, tiny and petite in appearance. Its eyes matched the hollowness of his and it hovered above them in the same precise manner as he did among his students. Severus watched it with trepidation wondering whether his memory was powerful enough to sustain it for long. It flew around skittishly as Dumbledore and Snape watched , before flying out the window and vanishing into thin air.
"Good" said Dumbledore. "Now that we've seen your patronus, I suggest we leave our lesson here for now, since you have to get to your meeting as well."
Severus had a scheduled meeting with the Dark Lord that night, which he wasn't particularly looking forward to. It took him all his effort to block the thoughts in his mind as the Dark Lord employed legilimency on him. A moment of weakness and he knew he would be a dead man.
"I will expect you here at the same time tomorrow." said Dumbledore.
"Any particular information you would like me to convey to the Dark Lord?" asked Snape.
"No, I think we've given him enough information for now. You haven't risen too high in the ranks for him to suspect you. Besides I am sure he is currently occupied with thoughts of the prophecy and I doubt whether he would engage in any further plans till his current mission succeeds, which bears the highest importance to him.".
Till his current mission succeeds. The words inundated Severus's mind with all sorts of dreadful thoughts and he felt as though a huge boulder had been dropped into his stomach. He had forbidden his mind from wandering in that direction. He would keep telling himself that Lily would be safe no matter what.
Snape nodded and stood up from his chair. "Good night professor." he said.
As he made his way to the door, he heard Dumbledore's voice call out his name once more.
"I was asked to give you this. I should have given it to you earlier, but I thought it would distract you during our lesson." said Dumbledore.
Snape made to look at what Dumbledore was holding out. He recognized it as a letter, but couldn't think of anyone who would write to him.
"Its from Lily. She asked me to give you this, seeing as she cant talk to you in person." said Dumbledore.
Snape felt as if everything around him stopped moving as he strained his ears to make sure he heard him right. He wanted to launch himself at Dumbledore and snatch the letter out of his hands, but at the same time he felt like he was unable to move as his whole body went limp. He stared at the letter for a while after which he moved in three strides and took the letter from Dumbledore's hands.
"She wrote this letter as soon as I told her the truth about you" said Dumbledore with a smile. "I hope this acts as some form of remuneration for the constant danger you put yourself in everyday."
Snape didn't say anything, but merely looked into the Headmaster's eyes. Dumbledore seemed to understand what it was the kid was feeling, and raised his hand, as if to say there was no need to reply.
"But I do need to warn you Severus. You must remember you are meeting with Voldemort tonight. Any form of emotion can deepen your vulnerability and detriment your Occlumency skills. You musn't hang onto any feelings and must remember to rid your mind of all thoughts before you leave for the meeting."
Severus gave a slight nod as he wondered how in the name of Merlin he was going to keep Lily out of his head, especially after reading her letter. For a moment he hated Dumbledore for having given him the letter right before his meeting. The letter suddenly seemed like a death sentence.
He tried not to think about it for now as he took his leave and tried to get back to his office as soon as he could.
He quickly got down the stairs and ran past the gargoyle as fast as he could. He stopped running when he saw a couple of prefects approach and maintained a stilted attitude. After they disappeared around the corridor, Severus resumed his sprinting and reached his office within 5 minutes. He looked over at the letter, panting heavily as he felt the oxygen slowly returning to his head.
He finally sat down on his chair and placed the letter on the table. He threw his head back and closed his eyes, preparing himself to read the words he had been longing to hear for the last three years.
Severus opened his eyes and quickly tore open the envelope. As he got Lily's letter out, he took a deep breath and his eyes narrowed down over her words.
Dear Sev,
I know its been a long time since we last spoke. I remember it was during our graduation ceremony and you barely spoke a few words. I was genuinely scared for you back then, knowing what you had chosen to do with your life. I know a certain part of you must have hated me for walking out on you. But it was the only choice I had. I thought I could bring you back to your senses once I left. I guess I presumed I was special enough, which I clearly wasn't, seeing as you chose them over me.
Which is why I was surprised to hear that I had a certain, if not large, part to play in your choice to leave the Death Eaters. Sev, I'm so glad you decided to change your ways. I never totally gave up on you. I said the same to Dumbledore, which I'm sure he must have relayed to you. Now that you have seen how evil and malignant the Death Eaters really are, I hope you can understand why I had to distance myself from you.
A certain part of me believed that you never shared any of their pureblood prejudices but your resentment of Muggles stemmed from your hatred for your father. I hope you have come to terms with your inner principles and seen the error of your ways. Although I never played a major part in your life, especially after I walked out on you, I'm glad to have had at least some influence on you and I hope you don't hold out any resentments towards me in your heart.
On a more happy note. I'm sure you must have heard from Dumbledore, that I gave birth to a baby boy last July! We've named him Harry after James's father. He's the most cutest thing you could ever hope for. He's already blowing up things around the house. Granted, it is a bit difficult having to raise him in such a closed environment. James won't even let me take him for a walk too far. I hope this war will end soon and things will go back to normal.
Dumbledore told me the job you have been assigned. And I have to say I'm not particularly pleased to hear about it. I've heard You-Know-Who is an extremely skilled Legilimens and it must take an exceptional amount of Occlumency to counter it, which I'm sure you are capable of, but I still worry about your safety.
Lets hope Dumbledore finds a means to end all this once and for all, as he's the only one who can. When it does, you can visit us sometime and you can meet Harry as well. You'll surely love him and I'm sure he would be more than happy to meet his future Potions Master. I'll have to wrap this letter up as Dumbledore has just finished talking to James and is about to leave.
Keep faith in yourself as I've seen the good in you and hope you'll see it too.
Looking forward to meeting you Sev.
Lots of love
Lily
Severus finished the letter feeling slightly dazed. Obviously not of a word of it had registered in his mind. He therefore went back and re-read it a couple of times to discern it more properly.
Severus found a huge lump stuck in his throat when he reached the part where Lily complained of not being special enough , and accused him of choosing his friends over her. For a moment he wondered whether he should have declared his feelings to her back then and perhaps it was the lack of candidness that ruined their friendship.
No, said a voice in his head. She stayed away from you because you were evil. You didn't deserve her.
But didn't she say she saw the good in me, he thought to himself. Severus was suddenly finding the letter too cloying. He hadn't yet come to terms with his inner principles, like Lily pointed out. And he certainly hadn't given up his prejudice against his abominable father which as a result extended to all Muggles.
Severus sighed inwardly at Lily's ability to unmask him so easily. Indeed this was why Lily was the only one who could deal with someone as intractable as himself. Severus felt guilty for having brought up such an inconvenience on her, as he read her complain about their closed environment.
I hope this war ends soon. But it's your own son that's destined to be the one to do it Lily, he thought miserably. Trying not to think of it for now, Severus moved on across the letter, skipping over the parts where she mentioned Potter and his son.
And finally his eyes rested on the words that brought him delight beyond anything. Looking forward to meeting you Sev. Waves and waves of happiness swept over him, as he thought of that moment. To finally hear her voice, to see her smile, to see those refulgent green eyes and to see her look at him with pride and not disgust. At that moment, Severus realized, he finally secured himself a thought powerful enough to sustain a patronus for years.
He glanced over at the clock by his table and realized it was time for his meeting with the Dark Lord. As delectable as the letter was, he started worrying of its consequences. Severus was quite adept at Occlumency as the Dark Lord had trained him himself. It was a means to prevent Dumbledore from finding out he was a spy. Severus smiled to himself as he thought of the Dark Lord's arrogance at underestimating his followers. The Dark Lord wouldn't dare suspect that Severus would use it against him, owing to his ostentatious belief that no mortal alive could counter his Legilimency.
But Severus was in real trouble now. He needed to clear his mind of all thoughts. Normally this came quite easy to him as he was used to shutting himself from everyone. But Lily was always the exception. She could easily pervade through every barrier that he built around his mind's fortress. And now he was going to pay for it.
Severus spent the next couple of minutes trying to cleanse his mind and block out all thoughts. After which he pocketed his wand and put on his traveling cloak. He slowly took Lily's letter and placed it inside the drawer of his table and sealed it with his wand. He stepped out of his office and made his way towards the entrance to the castle.
The moonlight was shimmering on Hogwarts as he slowly made his way out of it into the chilly night. Halloween was approaching and he could see Hagrid's massive pumpkins bulging out of his garden. The noises of the nocturnal creatures were humming in the background as the moon glistened his pallid face. He stopped as he crossed the magical boundary of the castle, took a moment to calm his nerves and with one deep breath vanished into thin air.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading. I'm new here and LJ hasn't hit big in our country yet. Please feel free to add me as I don't have a lot of my friends using Livejournal. Ciao
Chapter 3
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Characters: Snape, Lily, Dumbledore, Voldemort.
Pairings: Snape/Lily.
Warnings: Mild violence, DH spoilers.
Disclaimer: The following characters are the property of JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Chapter one
Chapter two
The letter
"Since you are a member of the Order now, I wanted you to learn a few things that the rest of the members have been taught as well." said Dumbledore.
Severus was already taxed beyond limit every night owing to both his teaching and spying responsibilities. However he was going to draw the line if Dumbledore was suggesting that he use whatever it is he wanted him to learn and march off into battle.
He listened apprehensively as Dumbledore continued. "Since it is inconvenient for each of you to communicate with each other most of the time,which holds mostly true for you Severus as you are constantly among the Death eaters, I devised an ingenious method to overcome the usual troubles of apparition and secrecy."
Severus stiffened slightly in his chair. He hadn't yet mingled properly with the other members. Although he had been formally introduced to them in one of the meetings, in which gladly Lily and Potter hadn't taken part , as they were already in hiding. Black of course was present and was putting in every bit of effort into restraining himself from punching him. He was accompanied by his obsequious crony Pettigrew who looked paler than usual and his werewolf buddy Lupin, who seemed to try extra hard to obscure his apparent shock and failed miserably.
But that had been the general response among the rest of the members,when Dumbledore claimed that he had reformed and would be spying for them. The only two people who didn't seem to display any signs of incredulity,or rather did a good job of covering it up was Hagrid the games keeper and Minerva Mcgonagall. Both of them seemed to trust Dumbledore ostensibly and didn't feel the need to question him.
Aberforth on the other hand seemed disgruntled and didn't let anything hold him back from questioning Dumbledore as to why he trusted him. Dumbledore merely smiled and evaded the question by answering that the matter was between him and Severus and that he was fully convinced of his loyalty. Snape at this point had let out a huge sigh of relief. For a moment he doubted whether Dumbledore would declare the reason why he deserted the Death Eaters. He was waiting to apparate out of there in case that happened.
But he had never had to communicate with any of them till now. His reports were usually given to Dumbledore in person and he had yet to attend another order meeting.
"This method involves using your patronus. You do know how to conjure one I presume?" asked Dumbledore
Snape nodded. "But its been a while.." he added.
Severus had conjured his patronus only on two occasions so far. Once during the actual NEWT level charms class when they were taught how to produce one. And the other when he was asked to demonstrate one during the practical bit of their examination.
"Well that makes things a lot easier". Dumbledore replied. "Could I ask you to show me your patronus?" he said
Snape concurred as he took out his wand and took a moment to recall the spell. The next part he knew was the difficult bit as he had to think of an extremely happy memory, one of the reasons why he detested and mostly avoided using a patronus. He hadn't led a fruitful life and he didn't have a chalk full of happy memories, to choose one at leisure.
The only source of happiness in his life was Lily, and the only happy memories he had were related to her, which were also the ones he had used when he conjured the patronus the previous two times. He closed his eyes and thought of the evenings they spent together near the park, holding hands and looking over at the sunset.
"Expecto patronum" he shouted.
From the tip of his wand erupted a silvery bat, tiny and petite in appearance. Its eyes matched the hollowness of his and it hovered above them in the same precise manner as he did among his students. Severus watched it with trepidation wondering whether his memory was powerful enough to sustain it for long. It flew around skittishly as Dumbledore and Snape watched , before flying out the window and vanishing into thin air.
"Good" said Dumbledore. "Now that we've seen your patronus, I suggest we leave our lesson here for now, since you have to get to your meeting as well."
Severus had a scheduled meeting with the Dark Lord that night, which he wasn't particularly looking forward to. It took him all his effort to block the thoughts in his mind as the Dark Lord employed legilimency on him. A moment of weakness and he knew he would be a dead man.
"I will expect you here at the same time tomorrow." said Dumbledore.
"Any particular information you would like me to convey to the Dark Lord?" asked Snape.
"No, I think we've given him enough information for now. You haven't risen too high in the ranks for him to suspect you. Besides I am sure he is currently occupied with thoughts of the prophecy and I doubt whether he would engage in any further plans till his current mission succeeds, which bears the highest importance to him.".
Till his current mission succeeds. The words inundated Severus's mind with all sorts of dreadful thoughts and he felt as though a huge boulder had been dropped into his stomach. He had forbidden his mind from wandering in that direction. He would keep telling himself that Lily would be safe no matter what.
Snape nodded and stood up from his chair. "Good night professor." he said.
As he made his way to the door, he heard Dumbledore's voice call out his name once more.
"I was asked to give you this. I should have given it to you earlier, but I thought it would distract you during our lesson." said Dumbledore.
Snape made to look at what Dumbledore was holding out. He recognized it as a letter, but couldn't think of anyone who would write to him.
"Its from Lily. She asked me to give you this, seeing as she cant talk to you in person." said Dumbledore.
Snape felt as if everything around him stopped moving as he strained his ears to make sure he heard him right. He wanted to launch himself at Dumbledore and snatch the letter out of his hands, but at the same time he felt like he was unable to move as his whole body went limp. He stared at the letter for a while after which he moved in three strides and took the letter from Dumbledore's hands.
"She wrote this letter as soon as I told her the truth about you" said Dumbledore with a smile. "I hope this acts as some form of remuneration for the constant danger you put yourself in everyday."
Snape didn't say anything, but merely looked into the Headmaster's eyes. Dumbledore seemed to understand what it was the kid was feeling, and raised his hand, as if to say there was no need to reply.
"But I do need to warn you Severus. You must remember you are meeting with Voldemort tonight. Any form of emotion can deepen your vulnerability and detriment your Occlumency skills. You musn't hang onto any feelings and must remember to rid your mind of all thoughts before you leave for the meeting."
Severus gave a slight nod as he wondered how in the name of Merlin he was going to keep Lily out of his head, especially after reading her letter. For a moment he hated Dumbledore for having given him the letter right before his meeting. The letter suddenly seemed like a death sentence.
He tried not to think about it for now as he took his leave and tried to get back to his office as soon as he could.
He quickly got down the stairs and ran past the gargoyle as fast as he could. He stopped running when he saw a couple of prefects approach and maintained a stilted attitude. After they disappeared around the corridor, Severus resumed his sprinting and reached his office within 5 minutes. He looked over at the letter, panting heavily as he felt the oxygen slowly returning to his head.
He finally sat down on his chair and placed the letter on the table. He threw his head back and closed his eyes, preparing himself to read the words he had been longing to hear for the last three years.
Severus opened his eyes and quickly tore open the envelope. As he got Lily's letter out, he took a deep breath and his eyes narrowed down over her words.
Dear Sev,
I know its been a long time since we last spoke. I remember it was during our graduation ceremony and you barely spoke a few words. I was genuinely scared for you back then, knowing what you had chosen to do with your life. I know a certain part of you must have hated me for walking out on you. But it was the only choice I had. I thought I could bring you back to your senses once I left. I guess I presumed I was special enough, which I clearly wasn't, seeing as you chose them over me.
Which is why I was surprised to hear that I had a certain, if not large, part to play in your choice to leave the Death Eaters. Sev, I'm so glad you decided to change your ways. I never totally gave up on you. I said the same to Dumbledore, which I'm sure he must have relayed to you. Now that you have seen how evil and malignant the Death Eaters really are, I hope you can understand why I had to distance myself from you.
A certain part of me believed that you never shared any of their pureblood prejudices but your resentment of Muggles stemmed from your hatred for your father. I hope you have come to terms with your inner principles and seen the error of your ways. Although I never played a major part in your life, especially after I walked out on you, I'm glad to have had at least some influence on you and I hope you don't hold out any resentments towards me in your heart.
On a more happy note. I'm sure you must have heard from Dumbledore, that I gave birth to a baby boy last July! We've named him Harry after James's father. He's the most cutest thing you could ever hope for. He's already blowing up things around the house. Granted, it is a bit difficult having to raise him in such a closed environment. James won't even let me take him for a walk too far. I hope this war will end soon and things will go back to normal.
Dumbledore told me the job you have been assigned. And I have to say I'm not particularly pleased to hear about it. I've heard You-Know-Who is an extremely skilled Legilimens and it must take an exceptional amount of Occlumency to counter it, which I'm sure you are capable of, but I still worry about your safety.
Lets hope Dumbledore finds a means to end all this once and for all, as he's the only one who can. When it does, you can visit us sometime and you can meet Harry as well. You'll surely love him and I'm sure he would be more than happy to meet his future Potions Master. I'll have to wrap this letter up as Dumbledore has just finished talking to James and is about to leave.
Keep faith in yourself as I've seen the good in you and hope you'll see it too.
Looking forward to meeting you Sev.
Lots of love
Lily
Severus finished the letter feeling slightly dazed. Obviously not of a word of it had registered in his mind. He therefore went back and re-read it a couple of times to discern it more properly.
Severus found a huge lump stuck in his throat when he reached the part where Lily complained of not being special enough , and accused him of choosing his friends over her. For a moment he wondered whether he should have declared his feelings to her back then and perhaps it was the lack of candidness that ruined their friendship.
No, said a voice in his head. She stayed away from you because you were evil. You didn't deserve her.
But didn't she say she saw the good in me, he thought to himself. Severus was suddenly finding the letter too cloying. He hadn't yet come to terms with his inner principles, like Lily pointed out. And he certainly hadn't given up his prejudice against his abominable father which as a result extended to all Muggles.
Severus sighed inwardly at Lily's ability to unmask him so easily. Indeed this was why Lily was the only one who could deal with someone as intractable as himself. Severus felt guilty for having brought up such an inconvenience on her, as he read her complain about their closed environment.
I hope this war ends soon. But it's your own son that's destined to be the one to do it Lily, he thought miserably. Trying not to think of it for now, Severus moved on across the letter, skipping over the parts where she mentioned Potter and his son.
And finally his eyes rested on the words that brought him delight beyond anything. Looking forward to meeting you Sev. Waves and waves of happiness swept over him, as he thought of that moment. To finally hear her voice, to see her smile, to see those refulgent green eyes and to see her look at him with pride and not disgust. At that moment, Severus realized, he finally secured himself a thought powerful enough to sustain a patronus for years.
He glanced over at the clock by his table and realized it was time for his meeting with the Dark Lord. As delectable as the letter was, he started worrying of its consequences. Severus was quite adept at Occlumency as the Dark Lord had trained him himself. It was a means to prevent Dumbledore from finding out he was a spy. Severus smiled to himself as he thought of the Dark Lord's arrogance at underestimating his followers. The Dark Lord wouldn't dare suspect that Severus would use it against him, owing to his ostentatious belief that no mortal alive could counter his Legilimency.
But Severus was in real trouble now. He needed to clear his mind of all thoughts. Normally this came quite easy to him as he was used to shutting himself from everyone. But Lily was always the exception. She could easily pervade through every barrier that he built around his mind's fortress. And now he was going to pay for it.
Severus spent the next couple of minutes trying to cleanse his mind and block out all thoughts. After which he pocketed his wand and put on his traveling cloak. He slowly took Lily's letter and placed it inside the drawer of his table and sealed it with his wand. He stepped out of his office and made his way towards the entrance to the castle.
The moonlight was shimmering on Hogwarts as he slowly made his way out of it into the chilly night. Halloween was approaching and he could see Hagrid's massive pumpkins bulging out of his garden. The noises of the nocturnal creatures were humming in the background as the moon glistened his pallid face. He stopped as he crossed the magical boundary of the castle, took a moment to calm his nerves and with one deep breath vanished into thin air.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading. I'm new here and LJ hasn't hit big in our country yet. Please feel free to add me as I don't have a lot of my friends using Livejournal. Ciao
Chapter 3