The year that went by.
Here you go go.I'm finally posting my fanfic. Please remember that this is my first fanfic so its bound to have its share of flaws.
Title : The year that went by
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Characters: Snape, Lily, Dumbledore, Voldemort.
Pairings: Snape/Lily.
Warnings: Mild violence, DH spoilers.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They are the sole property of JK Rowling.
Chapter one
The second chance
It was ten past six and the students were slowly making their way into their common rooms. One of the first years caught a glimmer of the man now advancing towards them, only to run away terrified as though he would curse them into oblivion. It had only been two months since Severus Snape had taken up the post of Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he had already established himself a reputation of being more acidulous than sour vinegar. His sardonic taunts, his intolerance of incompetence and his unfair prejudice against Gryffindors and an equal favoritism towards his own House of Slytherin, didn't go down that well with the students.
But Severus Snape didn't feel the need to be over-indulgent with them. As a student at Hogwarts, he had learned from his experience that leniency with mischief makers like these, would breed pretentious swines like James Potter and Sirius Black. Snape still blamed the teachers and the Head Master for all the abuse and bullying he faced at the hands of the Marauders and didn't feel like they did enough in chastising them. He also justified his favoring of Slytherins, as a means of setting things right at Hogwarts.
For years, Slytherin students had been victims of misguided prejudice. The rest of the school unfairly phrased the whole house as evil, thereby ostracizing them as an unpleasant lot. As a student, he always felt there was the lack of an authority figure to represent and stand up for the Slytherin house. Their Head of House, Horace Slughorn, rarely twitched his muscles except for a box of crystallized pineapple and had a proclivity to anyone famous or exceptional, irrespective of the House they belonged to. He therefore felt he should give the Slytherins something that would let them measure up to any unfair advantage the other Houses held.
Severus almost walked into the armor guarding the entrance to the corridor, as he pondered all this. He was feeling slightly over-worked, from having to juggle two different jobs. One that of a teacher at Hogwarts which was forced upon him by Dumbledore, and which he accepted reluctantly, the other of a spy which included participating in frequent meetings with his ex-Death Eater pals.
He had turned on the Dark Lord exactly a year ago. Now that he was no longer a Death Eater, Severus was starting to find their activities slightly unsettling. He wondered whether he was going through a genuine reformation or whether it was merely the perspective of an outsider, rather than a perpetrator.
Lately, he had frequently been questioning the principles which led him to join the Death Eaters in the first place. Was the abnegation of the true meaning of his partake in their activities slowly unmasking, he wondered. But was he even capable of reforming or had two years of being with such an iniquitous clique rendered him reprobate.
"Evil Sev..evil". Snape stopped abruptly, as Lily's words echoed in his ears. He had yet to come to terms with his sudden change of sides, and yet to acclimatize with this new crowd. But there was one thing that always stayed constant in his life. Lily Evans. Everything she represented, every opinion she held, every word she spoke. They were fresh in his mind, as though he had just had a conversation with her over tea.
But he had let her down. He had defiled everything she believed in. Severus didn't know what was to become of his life with the current choice he had made. All he knew was that it was worth every drop of blood in his body, as long as he knew Lily was safe and happy.
Although he hated to acknowledge the fact, that the ones she was sharing this happiness with, where James Potter and his son. Severus sought to separate Lily from the Lily Potter, as he couldn't bear to think of her with a man so undeserving of her purity. In his mind she was Lily Evans, the cheeky, cheerful red-head, who had not yet learned to love James Potter.
Severus kept walking despite his musings, stopping as he reached the entrance to the Headmaster's office.
"Pepper Imps" he said as the gargoyle accepted the password and moved aside as a wall behind it split into two to reveal the spiral staircase onto which Severus stepped on and was taken slowly upward. As he knocked on the front of the polished oak door, he wondered what it was that the Headmaster wanted to talk to him about, as he had already briefed him on the last Death Eater meeting.
The Dark Lord was getting impatient by the minute, as he failed to discover the location where the Potters were hiding. The inference that they must be under the Fidelius charm was even more infuriating for him, as he couldn't find them unless their location was revealed to him by the secret keeper himself.
With a sigh of relief, knowing Lily was safe for now, Severus entered the familiar circular room and looked around for the Headmaster. He didn't seem to occupy his usual position behind his desk, but was employed in looking over a slightly decrepit looking bird that seemed to be nearing its end. Dumbledore looked up from Fawkes and on realizing it was Snape, motioned him towards the visitors chair in front of his desk.
Severus looked over at the Phoenix, as he took his seat, and remembered back the time when he first saw it. It was the first time he had been in the Headmaster's office, and Dumbledore wasn't around. As he moved closer to look at the weakened bird, it burst into flames. As he was used to being encountered by inopportune things, he didn't find this particular event of the Headmaster's pet bursting into flames, the very first time he stepped into his office, so distressing.
Severus returned his thoughts to the present, as he watched the similar ritual of resurrection that he had once witnessed and saw a tiny bird poking out of the ashes. Severus wondered, whether he could associate the image of the bird with his own life. Whether fate had burned his shells off, to give him a second chance. But before his thoughts could take him any further, Dumbledore took his seat in his chair, and began to speak.
"I thought you would like to know Severus, that Lily and James have chosen Sirius as their secret keeper." said Dumbledore
Severus jaw tightened, as he made to retort. He knew the idea of entrusting such an important responsibility, on someone as reckless and infantile as Sirius Black could only have been that of James Potter, someone equally immature and arrogant.
"If Potter is planning on dying, why not just march right in front of the Dark Lord.", he replied scornfully. "It would be quicker and less tedious for everyone, seeing as Black will undoubtedly get himself captured sooner or later."
Dumbledore smiled as he heard Snape's reply. He knew Snape held on to the grudge that had developed between him and Sirius back in his school days. He also suspected Severus harbored ill feeling towards himself, for not taking a more stern stance against bullying.
"Sirius values James and Lily's lives just as much as we do, and I am sure he understands the seriousness of the position he has taken up." Dumbledore replied
"Why cant you be their secret keeper?" Snape asked. "The Dark Lord would never seek you out, seeing as he has never tried to challenge you and even if he did, there is no doubt you will come off winning."
"Thank you Severus." Dumbledore replied with a smile. "I agree that would have been a more prudent decision. I did indeed volunteer for it. But James insisted he trusts Sirius implicitly and would be glad to have him as their secret keeper, a decision I gave my wholehearted support to."
Severus scowled as he heard Dumbledore's words. He felt it was quite characteristic of Dumbledore to applaud his precious little Gryffindors, even when their actions were foolish beyond reason.
"I also thought you would like to know Severus, that I had a small conversation with Lily." said Dumbledore.
Severus's face drained of all its color. He knew what was coming. Dumbledore wouldn't bring up his conversation with Lily if it didn't involve him.
"And needless to say, you were a topic that factored prominently in our discussion." he continued.
Severus breath caught in his lungs, and he felt as if the air was ineluctably stuck in his chest, making it impossible for him to speak.
"Does...does she know?" he finally asked.
"I told her about your reformation, and assured her you were working on our side, and that you were no longer a Death Eater."
When Severus made no reply, Dumbledore continued. "I however, withheld the reasons for your sudden change of heart, as I didn't consider it was of particular importance."
No particular importance? Severus thought spitefully. It was because of him that Lily was now having to bear the inconvenience of being under a house arrest. It was because of him that the Dark Lord marked her for death, and was searching for her incessantly. Dumbledore might be content with Black, but Severus was still wary of her situation.
"But I did tell her about her role in your reformation. I told her that her influence had stayed on in you, even after she severed ties with you." said Dumbledore.
Severus looked down and didn't want to hear the rest. He knew he had failed her in every respect and didn't deserve her forgiveness, especially after landing her in her current predicament. But a certain part of him longed to hear her response to Dumbledore's claims.
"What did she say?" Severus asked softly, still looking down.
"That she never gave up on you." Severus looked up and met Dumbledore's eyes. "That a part of her believed that you were inherently good, and that you couldn't hold onto such an evil establishment for too long. She said she remembered back in school, how you never actually committed any evil misdeeds, unlike your friends, but merely consorted with those who did, and that made her hold out a tiny hope for you in her heart."
When Dumbledore finally finished, Severus looked down once again. He couldn't get himself to look into the old man's blue eyes any longer, as he would detect the searing shame, now coursing through his veins. If only Lily knew what he had done, she wouldn't have perhaps said those things. Of course, Severus always talked himself out of doing anything morbidly evil, and was mainly entrusted with the job of taking up a post at Hogwarts, to spy on Albus Dumbledore.
But that didn't rule out all the terrible things he had witnessed. The screams of the victims the Death Eaters toyed with, the cries of the innocent while they were tortured and the pleading of those who were about to be killed, all of which he pretended not to hear and remain aloof to.
But all those things, appeared more vividly to him now, than it did back then, haunting him in his sleep and sickening him, every time he thought about it, causing him to question whether he did indeed ever fully support them. Was what she said true then? Was he inherently good? Was their still hope for him?
Dumbledore surveyed him for a while, before finally looking away. He stood up from his chair, taking his wand along and walked over to the window. He looked out into the Quidditch pitch for a while, as the sun set over it, before turning around and facing Snape, who was still looking down at the floor, lost in deep thought. Dumbledore moved closer to him and spoke.
"The reason why I called you up here Severus, was to let you know that you will be taking private lessons with me for the next couple of days."
Severus looked up, being suddenly interrupted from his reminisces of Lily.
"Private lessons?" He asked sounding surprised. "On what?"
Chapter two
Title : The year that went by
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Characters: Snape, Lily, Dumbledore, Voldemort.
Pairings: Snape/Lily.
Warnings: Mild violence, DH spoilers.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They are the sole property of JK Rowling.
Chapter one
The second chance
It was ten past six and the students were slowly making their way into their common rooms. One of the first years caught a glimmer of the man now advancing towards them, only to run away terrified as though he would curse them into oblivion. It had only been two months since Severus Snape had taken up the post of Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he had already established himself a reputation of being more acidulous than sour vinegar. His sardonic taunts, his intolerance of incompetence and his unfair prejudice against Gryffindors and an equal favoritism towards his own House of Slytherin, didn't go down that well with the students.
But Severus Snape didn't feel the need to be over-indulgent with them. As a student at Hogwarts, he had learned from his experience that leniency with mischief makers like these, would breed pretentious swines like James Potter and Sirius Black. Snape still blamed the teachers and the Head Master for all the abuse and bullying he faced at the hands of the Marauders and didn't feel like they did enough in chastising them. He also justified his favoring of Slytherins, as a means of setting things right at Hogwarts.
For years, Slytherin students had been victims of misguided prejudice. The rest of the school unfairly phrased the whole house as evil, thereby ostracizing them as an unpleasant lot. As a student, he always felt there was the lack of an authority figure to represent and stand up for the Slytherin house. Their Head of House, Horace Slughorn, rarely twitched his muscles except for a box of crystallized pineapple and had a proclivity to anyone famous or exceptional, irrespective of the House they belonged to. He therefore felt he should give the Slytherins something that would let them measure up to any unfair advantage the other Houses held.
Severus almost walked into the armor guarding the entrance to the corridor, as he pondered all this. He was feeling slightly over-worked, from having to juggle two different jobs. One that of a teacher at Hogwarts which was forced upon him by Dumbledore, and which he accepted reluctantly, the other of a spy which included participating in frequent meetings with his ex-Death Eater pals.
He had turned on the Dark Lord exactly a year ago. Now that he was no longer a Death Eater, Severus was starting to find their activities slightly unsettling. He wondered whether he was going through a genuine reformation or whether it was merely the perspective of an outsider, rather than a perpetrator.
Lately, he had frequently been questioning the principles which led him to join the Death Eaters in the first place. Was the abnegation of the true meaning of his partake in their activities slowly unmasking, he wondered. But was he even capable of reforming or had two years of being with such an iniquitous clique rendered him reprobate.
"Evil Sev..evil". Snape stopped abruptly, as Lily's words echoed in his ears. He had yet to come to terms with his sudden change of sides, and yet to acclimatize with this new crowd. But there was one thing that always stayed constant in his life. Lily Evans. Everything she represented, every opinion she held, every word she spoke. They were fresh in his mind, as though he had just had a conversation with her over tea.
But he had let her down. He had defiled everything she believed in. Severus didn't know what was to become of his life with the current choice he had made. All he knew was that it was worth every drop of blood in his body, as long as he knew Lily was safe and happy.
Although he hated to acknowledge the fact, that the ones she was sharing this happiness with, where James Potter and his son. Severus sought to separate Lily from the Lily Potter, as he couldn't bear to think of her with a man so undeserving of her purity. In his mind she was Lily Evans, the cheeky, cheerful red-head, who had not yet learned to love James Potter.
Severus kept walking despite his musings, stopping as he reached the entrance to the Headmaster's office.
"Pepper Imps" he said as the gargoyle accepted the password and moved aside as a wall behind it split into two to reveal the spiral staircase onto which Severus stepped on and was taken slowly upward. As he knocked on the front of the polished oak door, he wondered what it was that the Headmaster wanted to talk to him about, as he had already briefed him on the last Death Eater meeting.
The Dark Lord was getting impatient by the minute, as he failed to discover the location where the Potters were hiding. The inference that they must be under the Fidelius charm was even more infuriating for him, as he couldn't find them unless their location was revealed to him by the secret keeper himself.
With a sigh of relief, knowing Lily was safe for now, Severus entered the familiar circular room and looked around for the Headmaster. He didn't seem to occupy his usual position behind his desk, but was employed in looking over a slightly decrepit looking bird that seemed to be nearing its end. Dumbledore looked up from Fawkes and on realizing it was Snape, motioned him towards the visitors chair in front of his desk.
Severus looked over at the Phoenix, as he took his seat, and remembered back the time when he first saw it. It was the first time he had been in the Headmaster's office, and Dumbledore wasn't around. As he moved closer to look at the weakened bird, it burst into flames. As he was used to being encountered by inopportune things, he didn't find this particular event of the Headmaster's pet bursting into flames, the very first time he stepped into his office, so distressing.
Severus returned his thoughts to the present, as he watched the similar ritual of resurrection that he had once witnessed and saw a tiny bird poking out of the ashes. Severus wondered, whether he could associate the image of the bird with his own life. Whether fate had burned his shells off, to give him a second chance. But before his thoughts could take him any further, Dumbledore took his seat in his chair, and began to speak.
"I thought you would like to know Severus, that Lily and James have chosen Sirius as their secret keeper." said Dumbledore
Severus jaw tightened, as he made to retort. He knew the idea of entrusting such an important responsibility, on someone as reckless and infantile as Sirius Black could only have been that of James Potter, someone equally immature and arrogant.
"If Potter is planning on dying, why not just march right in front of the Dark Lord.", he replied scornfully. "It would be quicker and less tedious for everyone, seeing as Black will undoubtedly get himself captured sooner or later."
Dumbledore smiled as he heard Snape's reply. He knew Snape held on to the grudge that had developed between him and Sirius back in his school days. He also suspected Severus harbored ill feeling towards himself, for not taking a more stern stance against bullying.
"Sirius values James and Lily's lives just as much as we do, and I am sure he understands the seriousness of the position he has taken up." Dumbledore replied
"Why cant you be their secret keeper?" Snape asked. "The Dark Lord would never seek you out, seeing as he has never tried to challenge you and even if he did, there is no doubt you will come off winning."
"Thank you Severus." Dumbledore replied with a smile. "I agree that would have been a more prudent decision. I did indeed volunteer for it. But James insisted he trusts Sirius implicitly and would be glad to have him as their secret keeper, a decision I gave my wholehearted support to."
Severus scowled as he heard Dumbledore's words. He felt it was quite characteristic of Dumbledore to applaud his precious little Gryffindors, even when their actions were foolish beyond reason.
"I also thought you would like to know Severus, that I had a small conversation with Lily." said Dumbledore.
Severus's face drained of all its color. He knew what was coming. Dumbledore wouldn't bring up his conversation with Lily if it didn't involve him.
"And needless to say, you were a topic that factored prominently in our discussion." he continued.
Severus breath caught in his lungs, and he felt as if the air was ineluctably stuck in his chest, making it impossible for him to speak.
"Does...does she know?" he finally asked.
"I told her about your reformation, and assured her you were working on our side, and that you were no longer a Death Eater."
When Severus made no reply, Dumbledore continued. "I however, withheld the reasons for your sudden change of heart, as I didn't consider it was of particular importance."
No particular importance? Severus thought spitefully. It was because of him that Lily was now having to bear the inconvenience of being under a house arrest. It was because of him that the Dark Lord marked her for death, and was searching for her incessantly. Dumbledore might be content with Black, but Severus was still wary of her situation.
"But I did tell her about her role in your reformation. I told her that her influence had stayed on in you, even after she severed ties with you." said Dumbledore.
Severus looked down and didn't want to hear the rest. He knew he had failed her in every respect and didn't deserve her forgiveness, especially after landing her in her current predicament. But a certain part of him longed to hear her response to Dumbledore's claims.
"What did she say?" Severus asked softly, still looking down.
"That she never gave up on you." Severus looked up and met Dumbledore's eyes. "That a part of her believed that you were inherently good, and that you couldn't hold onto such an evil establishment for too long. She said she remembered back in school, how you never actually committed any evil misdeeds, unlike your friends, but merely consorted with those who did, and that made her hold out a tiny hope for you in her heart."
When Dumbledore finally finished, Severus looked down once again. He couldn't get himself to look into the old man's blue eyes any longer, as he would detect the searing shame, now coursing through his veins. If only Lily knew what he had done, she wouldn't have perhaps said those things. Of course, Severus always talked himself out of doing anything morbidly evil, and was mainly entrusted with the job of taking up a post at Hogwarts, to spy on Albus Dumbledore.
But that didn't rule out all the terrible things he had witnessed. The screams of the victims the Death Eaters toyed with, the cries of the innocent while they were tortured and the pleading of those who were about to be killed, all of which he pretended not to hear and remain aloof to.
But all those things, appeared more vividly to him now, than it did back then, haunting him in his sleep and sickening him, every time he thought about it, causing him to question whether he did indeed ever fully support them. Was what she said true then? Was he inherently good? Was their still hope for him?
Dumbledore surveyed him for a while, before finally looking away. He stood up from his chair, taking his wand along and walked over to the window. He looked out into the Quidditch pitch for a while, as the sun set over it, before turning around and facing Snape, who was still looking down at the floor, lost in deep thought. Dumbledore moved closer to him and spoke.
"The reason why I called you up here Severus, was to let you know that you will be taking private lessons with me for the next couple of days."
Severus looked up, being suddenly interrupted from his reminisces of Lily.
"Private lessons?" He asked sounding surprised. "On what?"
Chapter two