Log: Oshitari Kenya, Ibu Shinji
Who: Oshitari Kenya and Ibu Shinji
Where: Roof of Dawn dorms
When: May 31st, after this entry: http://soakedinwords.livejournal.com/7203.html
What: Serious talk
Warnings: A little cursing
Rating: PG
Comments:
Shinji shut down his computer with a slow deliberateness. He really…didn’t want to drag any of it out any longer, having nothing more to say in that format. He had finally apologized for his wrongdoings, admitted he was nothing more than a cheap whore, and for Shinji, that was all the emotion he could take at that moment.
He tried lying on his bed, staring at the dark ceiling, but quickly realized that his mind was too active for that to do him any good. Shinji decided that getting outside, getting some air would be a good idea. He thought about the woods, but decided he was going to be smart and not wander there alone. The roof, then, outside and above the world.
Besides, what were the odds that someone else would be out there so late? It was the perfect spot to think and avoid things.
The odds that someone would be on the roof that night were high, considering that one Oshitari Kenya had taken it upon himself to turn the area into a hang out spot. He alternated between there and the little spot in the wooded area next to the courtyard that he shared with Saeki Kojirou when he was in the mood to avoid his room, which was… all the time, lately.
Tonight, he sat with his back resting against the brick wall, facing the best view of the moon that he could find. On his lap was his English book and at his side was a lamp used for camping. He had already turned the crank as tightly as it would wind to provide the light he needed for studying, but soon enough he knew he would have to go through the chore again.
Shinji didn’t notice the lamp, or anyone else at first, so wrapped up he was in his own thoughts. And when the light did penetrate his awareness, Shinji thought it was some sort of safety light on the roof. It wasn’t until he actually focused on the patch of light that he noticed someone who was very familiar to him, and he stopped short.
“Ummm…Kenya….” Shinji looked down at his feet. “I…didn’t know you’d be….” Well, practically living on the roof. “Here,” he finished.
Kenya hadn't been paying attention to anything but the book on his lap, eyes trained on the pages he had to squint at occasionally to read, so that when Shinji spoke his head snapped up and a startled look chased across his face.
"Been here for a while," he finally muttered, once the anxieties of having someone intrude on his solitude without warning died down.
“Haven’t exactly been spending a lot of time up here at night,” Shinji murmured, still looking at the roof. It was a very nice roof, really, and yeah, so what if Kenya was there? He had come up there for a reason, and as much as a part of him wanted to offer to go away, the rest of him was determined to stick it out.
Though he didn’t exactly have to be there, he guessed. “You, ummm, want me to leave you alone?”
"Na, it's all good. I'm done anyway." He muttered, closing his book with a snap. His head was starting to ache from reading in such dim lighting anyway. Kenya let his head fall back to rest against the wall, watching his friend for a few moments in silence before he spoke again.
"What brings you up here?"
“Needed some air. Needed to think.” Shinji shrugged, looking up at the sky. Funny. He hadn’t really looked at the night sky since the evening he had spent with Kisarazu Ryou, and it was still beautiful. “Couldn’t find a street corner anywhere on this campus.”
Shinji leaned back against the wall, arms crossed behind his head to cushion him from the brick. “How about you? Just a fan of night air?”
"Eh? Street corner?" oblivious was his middle name, or so Kenya liked to think. As long as he could pretend ignorance he would. Maybe that would help to get Shinji talking without him having to poke him into it.
"And, naw, I was studying. Seemed like a good place for it, that's all."
Shinji muttered, “Where else would the whores go?” quietly, then looked over at Kenya. “Ummm…you know there are places that actually have decent lighting and furniture and things like that?” Like the library, the lounge inside the dorm building, hell, a friend’s room if something is going on in yours.”
His gaze went back to the sky. “It’s really late, you know.” Yes, hypocritical of him to say, but he said it anyway.
"You're not a whore." Kenya pointed out with a sidelong glance to his friend. "Ain't seen you taking money for anything you've done with me or anyone else, so stop saying shit like that!"
"And I like it better up here. Less people and less noise." Less of a chance of him running into Zaizen was what he meant, but again he wasn't forthcoming on details.
“Maybe we should discuss semantics with your roommate. Whore, slut, whatever’s the best word.” Shinji closed his eyes. “I didn’t know anyone was coming up here. If I’d had known, I wouldn’t have intruded on you. I’m sorry, Kenya.”
"I'd rather not, thanks." Kenya retorted quickly, closing his eyes and blocking out the world.
"And stop apologizing to me," absently, he reached up to rub at his temples where the most annoying throbbing had started up thirty minutes before.
“I can’t.” Shinji sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’ve fucked up rather badly, and I can’t stop apologizing for that, Kenya. I really can’t.”
He glanced over at Kenya, intending to say something else, but frowned instead when he saw his friend rubbing his temples. “Headache?” Shinji bit his lip. “Normally I have painkillers on me, but I left them in my room…I can go get them, if you want?”
"Well, I wish you would stop. I'll tell you when you've done something I view as seriously fucked up enough to deserve you saying you're sorry over and over, man."
He shook his head then and dragged out a smile for the teen he offered the paltry attempt at appearing cheerful to. "I'm good. Just a slight headache and it'll go away soon enough, I guess."
“If you’re sure….” Shinji sank down to sit against the wall, too. “Doesn’t make sense to suffer, though, if you’re hurting.
He knocked his head against the wall lightly. “I can stop if it makes you feel better. I’m sorry.” Shinji winced a little as he said that. “You didn’t want me to apologize…I’m-” He managed to stop himself that time. “So, umm, what have you been up to?”
"Same old same old… just practicing, studying, and studying some more." Kenya replied with a grimace for how many hours he had spent pouring over his books. Damn, he thought, he was studying more now than ever before, and it was all his roommates fault! With the absence of his video games and electronic marvels to keep him distracted he was actually doing all of his work instead of just part of it.
"So, why'd you feel like you had to go there?"
“Never took you for the bookworm type…hmmm.” Shinji shrugged. “I guess your grades are happy with you at least. I know mine are when I take the time to actually study.” He blinked. “What, come up here on the roof? I just…wanted to get away and think, and I didn’t think I’d bother anyone up here.”
"Usually, I'm not. And, no, the club." Kenya sighed and finally opened his eyes, hands fluttering away from his temples. "Did I do something to make you feel like you had to get away and do those things?"
Shinji was quiet for a minute. “Yes. No. I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe?” It was really the best answer he could come with at the moment. “But I think it had a lot more to do with me than you or anyone else.”
"Then I ought to be apologizing, not you." Kenya pushed away from the wall, turning to face his friend as he pushed his book off to the side.
"And, you know, if you want to talk about it, I'll listen."
“I know. Shinji looked over at Kenya, his eyes a bit haunted. “I just…have no idea how to talk about it. I’ve made some choices lately that seem…wrong. Off. And someone of them I don’t regret. Some of them I do. And they all, I realized, stem from one place.”
"What place?" Kenya asked, biting his lip while he tried to sort through everything Shinji said. Fuck, he wasn't the best person to talk to or shoulder to lean on. Hell, he'd probably make things worse but you didn't just let a friend struggle alone, right?
Shinji looked down at his hands. “I think…Ryou had a point,” he said softly, talking to himself as much as to Kenya. “I really don’t see myself that highly, and it took his fangs in me to make me understand that. I never really saw it before, and once I did…I reacted to it.”
Of course, then Shinji remembered that Kenya really didn’t know about that little incident.
"You were bitten? Did he ask properly or did he just bite you?" worried did not cover the sudden rush of concern that swamped Kenya right then. "And did he make you think you were low or something, cos I'll go bust his face in for you, if he did!"
“No!” Shinji shook his head. “He asked…he asked a few times, actually. I gave him the permission.” He thought about that night and shook his head again. “He didn’t…he just pointed out to me the things that I was saying that made me sound like that, and yeah…I felt that way. He….” Shinji laughed. “He actually, and mind you, I’m fully aware that it could possibly have been just because he wanted my blood, but he made me feel wanted. Like he wanted to be there with me, and no one else.”
He was quiet. “I hadn’t felt that before.” Shinji’s voice was so soft it could barely be heard by him. “Not with Hiyo…not with you.” He wasn’t accusing Kenya of anything, but if Kenya was going to ask, he deserved an honest answer.
"So, uh, you want to do it with him again? I mean, if he made you feel that way than you probably do, which isn't me saying it's a bad thing. Just curious, that's all." Kenya was not going to judge Shinji over allowing a vampire to feed from him. After all, he had allowed it with Saeki and enjoyed every minute of it.
Shinji shrugged. “The feeding, yes. It wasn’t bad, and I figure it’s not hurting me, so yeah, he can feed from me until he finds someone who tastes better.” He looked away from Kenya, back at the sky. “As for anything else…I don’t know. I mean, it’s not necessary to get at a vein.”
"Just because it isn't necessary doesn't mean it doesn't have to happen, if you want it." Kenya shrugged lightly. "What you want to do and what you do decide to do with the vamp is your choice and I ain't judging you for it."
"I mean, if you want it, then why not?"
“That’s really not important.” Shinji stared up at the sky. “And if you tried to judge me for it I’d have to laugh at you or hit you or something like that, because seriously, Kenya.”
His eyes were tracing constellations as he gathered his thoughts. “It wasn’t even the original topic under discussion, was it?” Shinji couldn’t believe that he was actually not avoiding a topic for once. Or maybe he was, but was just choosing the topic to avoid.
"Just saying. And I'm having a hard time remembering what the original topic was, man." Kenya said with a sheepish grin. "Headaches tend to blur things for me, so feel free to remind me, unless you get pissed about it."
Shinji couldn’t help chuckling a little at that. “Maybe the conversation should wait, then. I mean, it’s pretty deep, and it might make your head hurt worse. I mean, it makes mine hurt, and I didn’t even start with a headache.”
"Putting it off isn't going to make talking about it any easier, so go ahead and say what you got to say, Shin." Kenya muttered, unable to believe he wasn't procrastinating as sometimes he could swear that he lived by the rule of procrastinating on everything that needed doing when it needed doing, and never touching it until he felt like it.
“You sure? Forgetting about things can be fun….” Shinji sighed, though, knowing Kenya did have a point. “Depends on how much crap you want to hear, because there’s things playing into this that I’ve not really ever talked about.” He was going to give Kenya every out possible, really.
"Yeah, but before you start, Shin… I know this is probably going to annoy you and know I mean no offense by it, but sometimes you seem like you don't want to let yourself be happy like maybe you're happiest being miserable."
Kenya took a deep breath, preparing himself for the burst of anger he was sure his words would cause but forged on anyway. "Just, you keep ragging on yourself and worrying about things, and, I don't know but, yeah."
Shinji thought about that for a minute, turning things over in his head. “That’s probably because I keep sabotaging myself,” he said frankly. “And I’m sure there’s reasons for that besides what I’ve come up with, too, but that’s…something for another time. Like time with a shrink or something.” Because that was something else Shinji had come to realize.
“You know I didn’t have anything I could call a friend before I came here.” Shinji stared off into the darkness. “You don’t know exactly how strained it was, both at school and at home. A lot of things sent me here, mainly my needing to escape that, and it followed me in my own head.”
Once the words started coming, Shinji found he was having a hard time stopping them. “I was never considered, well, good enough. I was too smart, to dumb, too talkative, too quiet, too,” he blushed, “well, never mind…but all those things kept me from being good enough for people, good enough to be around. And then something happened where I just had to leave.” Shinji wrapped his arms around his knees, feeling a sudden need to be held and doing it himself, because he didn’t want to risk mockery or rejection from Kenya. “And now, I just keep making sure it’ll still be true.”
He wasn't any good at this!
Kenya squirmed inwardly struggling against the urge to jump to his feet and run away. The conversation was getting deeper than deep and he just knew he was going to fuck up and scar Shinji for life with something he said. Yet, he couldn't just callously walk off either without seeming like one hell of a jerk.
"What happened?" and then because it had to be said. "You got to stop that, you know. It's almost like you do it hoping someone will pick you up and convince you of your value, but, you know…"
Yeah, here goes the part where he traumatized a guy for life. "If you can't be happy with who you are first, no one else will be. And eventually they'll get tired of trying to boost you up just for you to keep seeing only the bad in you."
Shinji couldn’t help getting annoyed at that. “Maybe this was a bad idea. You wanted me to talk, I’m talking, and you know? Maybe I am getting there, maybe that was one of the things I realized this weekend, but you asked for the why I did what I did, not for the conclusions I drew from it. So we’ll skip everything else, and go right to that.”
He shifted a little. “You’re right. One of the reasons I stopped this weekend, was because I suddenly realized if I did…what I was going to do, it’d just give me another reason to keep seeing the bad. And I’m fucking tired of that! I’ve liked myself more since I came here than I have before, and I want to be happy with myself, so I need to stop doing this self-defeatist crap. So, yeah, I woke up, but don’t worry about what I woke up from.”
Shinji stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I won’t bother you with this again, Kenya. Just know, I’m not going to be that defeated, defeatist person anymore.”
"No, I asked you what happened to make it so you had to leave, and, damn it! I'm doing the best I can, Shin." He said, shoulders drooping and head bowing to hide the brief flash of defeat that raced across his face.
"I never promised I'd say all the right stuff or have all the perfect answers, but I was willing to try."
Shinji sighed and looked down at Kenya, then slid back to the ground again. “I am, too, you know,” he said quietly. “This is hard, and…yeah. You already know more about me than, well, anyone. It’s scary. Running is instinct.”
“Why did I have to leave? Because someone couldn’t take no for an answer until I made them, and I was made aware that should they try again, my rejection didn’t mean much.”
Kenya clenched his hands in his lap, teeth grinding together. It upset him to hear that his friend had gone through that kind of experience. "You're safe here, though," he said finally, thinking it was probably too little and far too late.
"The guardians make sure we're all safe and I can't imagine the purebloods or aristocrats letting some creep like that stay in this school for long." The administrators either, but he hoped Shinji trusted the adults around him enough to believe that on his own.
“I’d actually be amused if some moron like that did try to come here,” Shinji muttered. Yeah, he was angry enough to be vindictive about that. “I’m sure that whatever happened as a result would make wonderful entertainment for the rest of us. My moron in particular won’t come here, anyway. Being here involves the ability to rub together two brain cells and have them spark.”
He leaned back against the wall again, wincing when his head smacked brick a little harder than he had intended. “Long story short. I brought a lot of crap here with me, and I’m just learning how to let it go.” Shinji looked at Kenya through a curtain of hair. “And when you asked if you did something to make me feel like I had to do what I did? I said yes and no, because yes, you did something, but it was probably my interpretation of it rather than the action itself.”
"Then tell me what I did, so I know." Kenya answered steeling himself for whatever was coming his way. He honestly didn't know which of his actions had caused Shinji so much turmoil but knew he was about to find out.
Shinji honestly would’ve given a lot to not have to answer that. He didn’t want to reopen anything. “But I guess I did that already,” he muttered to himself, choosing to look down at his lap rather than face Kenya, sparing both of them that embarrassment.
“I know I kind of threw myself at you for awhile there,” Shinji said softly. “And I am sorry about that. I can’t say how much I am. And I’m sure part of why I did that had to do with…what happened, as much as it did genuine attraction. I guess…I don’t know.” Shinji was bright red. “It never felt to me like you…wanted me, Ibu Shinji. The challenge maybe, but not the person.”
"Shin, that doesn't make any sense." Kenya confused by the confession. "I'm not trying to make light of your feelings or nothing, but if I didn't find you the person hot and didn't want you like that then I wouldn't have gotten so horny or hard then."
Fuck, he was blushing! He hated blushing and had hoped his time with Saeki had cured him of the habit but apparently it had not. "And, yeah, I love a good challenge but, fuck, man. I don't get horny over running a hell of a race or playing a fantastic game of tennis against people that have never been beaten before, so what makes you think I got horny over the challenge of getting into your pants, which I did not do, so if it was the challenge then I sure went about winning in the lousiest way possible considering I never even made it to the goal, if that was true."
“I didn’t say it made sense….” Shinji buried his face in his hands, sure he was going to die of embarrassment. “And I did say it probably had a lot more with how I was viewing it then actual events, and I’m not in your head, so yeah, I don’t know what you were thinking or reacting to, but….”
Shinji groaned. “Bear with me while I try to put this into words, and not die of embarrassment.” He took a deep breath. “I guess I saw it that way because, well, we played by your rules for the most part. It didn’t always feel…mutual, like….” Shinji swore he was going to self combust! “You didn’t want me touching you. And then it…I was so easy to walk away from and not think of like that again…well, it’s how it looked to me,” he finished a little defensively.
"I don't like being out of control," Kenya admitted, shying from looking toward his friend. "So, yeah, maybe I can see it feeling like we were going by my rules but sometimes it felt like you were pushing… for what, I don't know but the more it happened the less I wanted to lose my control over the situation."
"And it ain't that it was easy to walk off and not think like that again, just… it doesn't feel right." Again, he felt defeated and lost, unable to figure out what he should or shouldn't say to make things okay for his friend again.
"You have to admit that stuff went so horribly wrong, and if my not sleeping with you and doing stuff beyond what we did caused all this, then I hate to think what I would have caused to happen if I did."
“I’m not disputing any of that.” Shinji really wanted to run away at that moment. “I know things weren’t right, and I take full responsibility for that. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if…but no.” He shook his head, hard.
“It still doesn’t change the fact that I felt kind of….” He groped for the right word. “Lacking. Like I wasn’t good enough for you. And at about that same time, and nothing to do with you, I realized that I felt similar things with Hiyo. So I knew it was me, not either of you, and that just made it worse, in my head, because I started feeling not good enough for anyone again. And it threw me in a tailspin. I’m not proud of that. I am happy that I didn’t have to totally hit bottom.”
Shinji turned away from Kenya, not sure how the next part was going to sound. “Sometimes, you know, I just…want to be held. To be able to hug and be hugged, and not have anything there beyond friendship and just knowing someone’s there and I’m there for them, too. It sounds really weak and stupid, but I realized that’s what I’ve been looking for. Not someone to fuck, but someone to care as much as I do. And I do have that.”
Kenya was becoming more and more confused by the second. He didn't know what to say in response to each of Shinji's new revelations. Maybe an apology would be good, but was it really right to apologize when he couldn't help the way he felt? Groaning mentally at his incompetence, the unruly blonde tried to focus on the latter of his friend's words.
"I, uh, really ain't the hugging sort, Shin, but you said you had that, right? I guess you figured out who could give you what you need, huh?"
“Yeah, I figured that much out already. It’d probably mean the end of the world was here, or something equally as bad, if you were to hug someone.” Shinji rested his forehead against his knees. “In that sense, not really, since I seem to find myself attracted to the non-touchy type.” He chuckled. “But in other senses, yeah.”
He sighed. “I hate that I dumped this all on you.”
Kenya shot his friend a sharp look, slightly annoyed by the assessment but far too smart to say anything about it. The truth was the truth, after all. "You can dump away, just as long as you don't expect me to be the source of some miracle fix because I'm fresh out of ideas on how to help, besides listening."
That too was a truth he couldn't deny. Hell, he could hardly manage to keep his own life sorted how was he supposed to help anyone else? The best he could do was offer Shinji an ear to listen and maybe, if he was lucky, some sound advice here and there. Though, he guessed it would take a miracle for that to happen to, since his advice sucked on a good day.
Shinji couldn’t help laughing at that outright. “I don’t believe in miracles, and besides. I know the only one that can fix my problems is me. Having someone to say it all to helped a lot, though, so thank you, Kenya.
“Though….” He turned to look at Kenya. “I think it’s your turn, now. Why are you hiding up on the roof so late, and looking like you’re trying to move in?”
"I don't look like that!" Kenya denied, nose wrinkling in annoyance. Sure, he had a lamp of a sort and a book he'd been reading, but surely not enough junk to warrant the idea of moving in?
"Just seemed like as good a place as any to study, that's all."
“There’s better places to study.” Shinji stretched out his legs and sighed. “Like, places where you don’t have to induce eyestrain, which kinda negates all of the studying if you’re half blind and in pain at the end of it.” He was quiet for a minute. “Are you…having problems with your roommate?” he asked cautiously.
Kenya snorted softly. Having problems with his roommate? That would require Zaizen actually acknowledging his existence those rare times that Kenya didn't do something to drag him out of his own little world, which his moods apparently did.
"Na, and there isn't anything wrong with this place as long as the lamp stays bright enough. And, besides, the view is great on the nights when the sky is clearer."
Shinji bit his lip, not entirely sure that Kenya was telling the truth, but he wasn’t going to push. If Kenya wanted to talk, he’d talk, either to Shinji or someone he trusted, it didn’t matter. “I’ll give you that much, about the view,” he said instead, looking up at the sky. “Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be able to touch the stars, to be among them.”
He shook his head; it wasn’t exactly the time for dreams. “Though I usually don’t come up here to look at them.”
"Sounds like material for a song," Kenya said with a small grin, leaning back against the wall again. He closed his eyes, letting the sounds surround him, and the coolness of the night wash over him. For now he was content to just sit there for a few more minutes, though he knew soon enough he should probably call it a night.
“What makes you think it hasn’t been?” Shinji tilted his head, looking over at Kenya, just taking the opportunity to relax now that things felt a little less tense. “Just..not one that has ever become public, or will ever become public. Which reminds me somehow...are you in a music class here? I heard we’re getting a teacher this week.” He paused. “I have mixed feelings about that.”
"Yeah, but I haven't heard any rumors about my current teacher being displaced." He hadn't exactly kept abreast of the latest gossip with everything that had been happening of late, so it was news to him.
"Why the mixed feelings?"
Shinji shrugged. “Because my class is getting the new one, and while anyone would be better than the glorified babysitter we have now, I have no idea what this one will be like. Probably miles better, but it could be worse, too.” He shrugged again. “I’m reserving judgment, but, you know, better the devil you know and all that.”
"Guess you can only wait and see," Kenya replied softly. The talk of a new teacher pricked his curiosity but he wasn't that enthusiastic about hunting the person down to check them out. That sounded too much like work to the blonde that hit a serious streak laziness right then.
“It’s about all you can do in life, right? With anything. There’s only so far and so much you can push and try to make things happen, but there’s always a point where all you can do is sit back and let the universe work, which is kind of frustrating in a way, because the universe can’t always be trusted, and it’s so much easier just to do things yourself, but then there’s always rules, and half the rules around here are stupid anyway….”
Shinji closed his mouth, blushing deeply. “Fuck, I hate it when I do that.”
"When you do what?" Kenya asked with a quick glance to his friend. "Ramble or think about stuff like that?"
“Ramble.” Shinji looked back over at Kenya. “It’s not like everyone in earshot needs to know exactly what I’m thinking, right?”
"So?" Kenya pushed away from the wall with a sigh, turning to face Shinji as he spoke. "Don't worry about it and just be yourself, because if you start acting like people expect or how you think you should then you're just going to be miserable."
And didn't he know that from experience?
Shinji blinked, looking at Kenya, holding his friend’s eyes with his own. “Putting aside the fact that you just made a very deep and insightful comment, not that I think you’re not capable of it, because I know you are.” He took a deep breath, curbing the impulse to ramble again. “I worry about it for different reasons than that.”
He tilted his head a little, still looking at Kenya. “Yeah, a part of it is the whole ‘normal’ thing, but the rest is actually tied in with my comfort levels. Do you know how disconcerting it is to realize that your supposedly private thoughts ended up on public display.” Shinji chuckled. “I’ve gotten into a few fights because of that inability to just think that someone is an idiot.”
"Maybe, but at least the people around you don't have to worry about not knowing what you really think, right?" he countered, annoyed somewhat by the fact that he must come off as being very shallow for one insightful comment to draw that sort of remark.
“It seems to me that you were worried about just that not too long ago,” Shinji replied quietly.
"Eh? When?" Kenya asked as the memory eluded him.
Shinji tried his best to bite back his smile. “The entire time you were encouraging me to talk to you, for one. If you weren’t on some level, worried about not knowing what I was thinking, you wouldn’t have been asking why I was doing some things.” The logic worked in his head, at least.
"Only because as much as you talk you try to hide shit too and some stuff just doesn't make sense, if I don't ask." Frowning, he reached up to rub at his temples again. Fuck, the throbbing just wasn't going away at all.
“You have to admit, it’s a good tactic to keep the people I don’t want to get close from getting there.” Shinji frowned as he watched Kenya. “Good god…you’re making me hurt just watching you. Please don’t punch me for this, Kenya.”
Moving slowly, Shinji shifted behind Kenya and started gently massaging his neck and temples, the way he’d done so many times before. “My mother gets a lot of tension headaches…this helps sometimes. At least, hopefully it’ll help enough to let you get to a bottle of painkillers.”
"Yeah, so does just staying away from them," Kenya offered up his preferred method of avoiding people getting within his safety zone. He tensed when he suddenly had Shinji sliding up to him from behind, hands rising to rub at his neck and temples. He tried to relax, but he found he couldn't. Mainly, because every instinct he possessed told him there was someone sitting at his back and while he knew Shinji wasn't a danger the side of him that ran headlong into fights screamed out warning after warning, until he finally laughed awkwardly.
"Sorry. Think I should just go see what we have in the first aid kit for headaches." He told his friend, reaching up to gently pull attentive hands from his temples. It wasn't Shinji, but him. He just did not like having someone sitting behind him where he couldn't see what they were doing or have any visual signs of what they might be thinking or plotting as sometimes body language could give away the smallest things.
“Yeah…it’s okay.” It wasn’t, but Shinji was more than adept at covering up hurt; he’d had so much practice after all. “Go take care of your headache, Kenya.”
He leaned back against the wall again, clearly having no plans about moving anytime soon, though he did grab Kenya’s lamp and hold it. “I’m confiscating this until your headache is gone, though,” he stated with a smile. “No need to make it worse, right?” And it wasn’t like Shinji wouldn’t give it back as soon as he was asked, anyway…as long as that asking came after Kenya had medicated and slept.
Kenya frowned as his lamp was confiscated, wondering if Shinji was actually serious. He was and he could tell by the look in his eyes, which drew a nearly forlorn sigh from him. "Okay, but I want it back later." He told the teen at his feet as he rose, stretching out the kinks in the process with a reach of slender arms toward the sky.
Shinji very deliberately looked away from Kenya as he stretched, not wanting to make things more awkward, even by accident. “Later,” he confirmed. “Now go take care of yourself, Kenya.” He made a shooing motion with his hand, his smile teasing. “And Kenya? If you really need to escape, you can come down to my room. Just letting you know my door’s open to you.”
He thought about it as he relaxed from the stretch, catching the teasing smile when he settled down. "Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll drop by sometime." He agreed with a grin.
"Anyway, I'm heading in." he continued as he turned to leave, a brief wave given only to pause and toss over his shoulder, before he reached the door leading inside the building.
"Uh, if you want, you can join me for lunch tomorrow." He normally ate alone while he was reading over his notes but sometimes a change was good.
“You better. Though, you’ll at least have to come by to rescue your hostage,” Shinji reminded him, waving the lamp as a reminder. “Though…hmm. I guess we can do a hostage exchange at lunch tomorrow,” he added, his way of accepting the invitation.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Sleep well, sweet dreams, and wake up pain free.” Shinji waved at Kenya, then tilted his head back to look at the sky. He wasn’t ready to give up the relaxing night just yet…maybe in a few more minutes.
"Night, Shin." Kenya murmured with a final wave, before slipping through the door and down the stairwell. Tomorrow he'd get his lamp back, so there were no worries there. Now to find something for the headache that plagued him.
Where: Roof of Dawn dorms
When: May 31st, after this entry: http://soakedinwords.livejournal.com/7203.html
What: Serious talk
Warnings: A little cursing
Rating: PG
Comments:
Shinji shut down his computer with a slow deliberateness. He really…didn’t want to drag any of it out any longer, having nothing more to say in that format. He had finally apologized for his wrongdoings, admitted he was nothing more than a cheap whore, and for Shinji, that was all the emotion he could take at that moment.
He tried lying on his bed, staring at the dark ceiling, but quickly realized that his mind was too active for that to do him any good. Shinji decided that getting outside, getting some air would be a good idea. He thought about the woods, but decided he was going to be smart and not wander there alone. The roof, then, outside and above the world.
Besides, what were the odds that someone else would be out there so late? It was the perfect spot to think and avoid things.
The odds that someone would be on the roof that night were high, considering that one Oshitari Kenya had taken it upon himself to turn the area into a hang out spot. He alternated between there and the little spot in the wooded area next to the courtyard that he shared with Saeki Kojirou when he was in the mood to avoid his room, which was… all the time, lately.
Tonight, he sat with his back resting against the brick wall, facing the best view of the moon that he could find. On his lap was his English book and at his side was a lamp used for camping. He had already turned the crank as tightly as it would wind to provide the light he needed for studying, but soon enough he knew he would have to go through the chore again.
Shinji didn’t notice the lamp, or anyone else at first, so wrapped up he was in his own thoughts. And when the light did penetrate his awareness, Shinji thought it was some sort of safety light on the roof. It wasn’t until he actually focused on the patch of light that he noticed someone who was very familiar to him, and he stopped short.
“Ummm…Kenya….” Shinji looked down at his feet. “I…didn’t know you’d be….” Well, practically living on the roof. “Here,” he finished.
Kenya hadn't been paying attention to anything but the book on his lap, eyes trained on the pages he had to squint at occasionally to read, so that when Shinji spoke his head snapped up and a startled look chased across his face.
"Been here for a while," he finally muttered, once the anxieties of having someone intrude on his solitude without warning died down.
“Haven’t exactly been spending a lot of time up here at night,” Shinji murmured, still looking at the roof. It was a very nice roof, really, and yeah, so what if Kenya was there? He had come up there for a reason, and as much as a part of him wanted to offer to go away, the rest of him was determined to stick it out.
Though he didn’t exactly have to be there, he guessed. “You, ummm, want me to leave you alone?”
"Na, it's all good. I'm done anyway." He muttered, closing his book with a snap. His head was starting to ache from reading in such dim lighting anyway. Kenya let his head fall back to rest against the wall, watching his friend for a few moments in silence before he spoke again.
"What brings you up here?"
“Needed some air. Needed to think.” Shinji shrugged, looking up at the sky. Funny. He hadn’t really looked at the night sky since the evening he had spent with Kisarazu Ryou, and it was still beautiful. “Couldn’t find a street corner anywhere on this campus.”
Shinji leaned back against the wall, arms crossed behind his head to cushion him from the brick. “How about you? Just a fan of night air?”
"Eh? Street corner?" oblivious was his middle name, or so Kenya liked to think. As long as he could pretend ignorance he would. Maybe that would help to get Shinji talking without him having to poke him into it.
"And, naw, I was studying. Seemed like a good place for it, that's all."
Shinji muttered, “Where else would the whores go?” quietly, then looked over at Kenya. “Ummm…you know there are places that actually have decent lighting and furniture and things like that?” Like the library, the lounge inside the dorm building, hell, a friend’s room if something is going on in yours.”
His gaze went back to the sky. “It’s really late, you know.” Yes, hypocritical of him to say, but he said it anyway.
"You're not a whore." Kenya pointed out with a sidelong glance to his friend. "Ain't seen you taking money for anything you've done with me or anyone else, so stop saying shit like that!"
"And I like it better up here. Less people and less noise." Less of a chance of him running into Zaizen was what he meant, but again he wasn't forthcoming on details.
“Maybe we should discuss semantics with your roommate. Whore, slut, whatever’s the best word.” Shinji closed his eyes. “I didn’t know anyone was coming up here. If I’d had known, I wouldn’t have intruded on you. I’m sorry, Kenya.”
"I'd rather not, thanks." Kenya retorted quickly, closing his eyes and blocking out the world.
"And stop apologizing to me," absently, he reached up to rub at his temples where the most annoying throbbing had started up thirty minutes before.
“I can’t.” Shinji sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’ve fucked up rather badly, and I can’t stop apologizing for that, Kenya. I really can’t.”
He glanced over at Kenya, intending to say something else, but frowned instead when he saw his friend rubbing his temples. “Headache?” Shinji bit his lip. “Normally I have painkillers on me, but I left them in my room…I can go get them, if you want?”
"Well, I wish you would stop. I'll tell you when you've done something I view as seriously fucked up enough to deserve you saying you're sorry over and over, man."
He shook his head then and dragged out a smile for the teen he offered the paltry attempt at appearing cheerful to. "I'm good. Just a slight headache and it'll go away soon enough, I guess."
“If you’re sure….” Shinji sank down to sit against the wall, too. “Doesn’t make sense to suffer, though, if you’re hurting.
He knocked his head against the wall lightly. “I can stop if it makes you feel better. I’m sorry.” Shinji winced a little as he said that. “You didn’t want me to apologize…I’m-” He managed to stop himself that time. “So, umm, what have you been up to?”
"Same old same old… just practicing, studying, and studying some more." Kenya replied with a grimace for how many hours he had spent pouring over his books. Damn, he thought, he was studying more now than ever before, and it was all his roommates fault! With the absence of his video games and electronic marvels to keep him distracted he was actually doing all of his work instead of just part of it.
"So, why'd you feel like you had to go there?"
“Never took you for the bookworm type…hmmm.” Shinji shrugged. “I guess your grades are happy with you at least. I know mine are when I take the time to actually study.” He blinked. “What, come up here on the roof? I just…wanted to get away and think, and I didn’t think I’d bother anyone up here.”
"Usually, I'm not. And, no, the club." Kenya sighed and finally opened his eyes, hands fluttering away from his temples. "Did I do something to make you feel like you had to get away and do those things?"
Shinji was quiet for a minute. “Yes. No. I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe?” It was really the best answer he could come with at the moment. “But I think it had a lot more to do with me than you or anyone else.”
"Then I ought to be apologizing, not you." Kenya pushed away from the wall, turning to face his friend as he pushed his book off to the side.
"And, you know, if you want to talk about it, I'll listen."
“I know. Shinji looked over at Kenya, his eyes a bit haunted. “I just…have no idea how to talk about it. I’ve made some choices lately that seem…wrong. Off. And someone of them I don’t regret. Some of them I do. And they all, I realized, stem from one place.”
"What place?" Kenya asked, biting his lip while he tried to sort through everything Shinji said. Fuck, he wasn't the best person to talk to or shoulder to lean on. Hell, he'd probably make things worse but you didn't just let a friend struggle alone, right?
Shinji looked down at his hands. “I think…Ryou had a point,” he said softly, talking to himself as much as to Kenya. “I really don’t see myself that highly, and it took his fangs in me to make me understand that. I never really saw it before, and once I did…I reacted to it.”
Of course, then Shinji remembered that Kenya really didn’t know about that little incident.
"You were bitten? Did he ask properly or did he just bite you?" worried did not cover the sudden rush of concern that swamped Kenya right then. "And did he make you think you were low or something, cos I'll go bust his face in for you, if he did!"
“No!” Shinji shook his head. “He asked…he asked a few times, actually. I gave him the permission.” He thought about that night and shook his head again. “He didn’t…he just pointed out to me the things that I was saying that made me sound like that, and yeah…I felt that way. He….” Shinji laughed. “He actually, and mind you, I’m fully aware that it could possibly have been just because he wanted my blood, but he made me feel wanted. Like he wanted to be there with me, and no one else.”
He was quiet. “I hadn’t felt that before.” Shinji’s voice was so soft it could barely be heard by him. “Not with Hiyo…not with you.” He wasn’t accusing Kenya of anything, but if Kenya was going to ask, he deserved an honest answer.
"So, uh, you want to do it with him again? I mean, if he made you feel that way than you probably do, which isn't me saying it's a bad thing. Just curious, that's all." Kenya was not going to judge Shinji over allowing a vampire to feed from him. After all, he had allowed it with Saeki and enjoyed every minute of it.
Shinji shrugged. “The feeding, yes. It wasn’t bad, and I figure it’s not hurting me, so yeah, he can feed from me until he finds someone who tastes better.” He looked away from Kenya, back at the sky. “As for anything else…I don’t know. I mean, it’s not necessary to get at a vein.”
"Just because it isn't necessary doesn't mean it doesn't have to happen, if you want it." Kenya shrugged lightly. "What you want to do and what you do decide to do with the vamp is your choice and I ain't judging you for it."
"I mean, if you want it, then why not?"
“That’s really not important.” Shinji stared up at the sky. “And if you tried to judge me for it I’d have to laugh at you or hit you or something like that, because seriously, Kenya.”
His eyes were tracing constellations as he gathered his thoughts. “It wasn’t even the original topic under discussion, was it?” Shinji couldn’t believe that he was actually not avoiding a topic for once. Or maybe he was, but was just choosing the topic to avoid.
"Just saying. And I'm having a hard time remembering what the original topic was, man." Kenya said with a sheepish grin. "Headaches tend to blur things for me, so feel free to remind me, unless you get pissed about it."
Shinji couldn’t help chuckling a little at that. “Maybe the conversation should wait, then. I mean, it’s pretty deep, and it might make your head hurt worse. I mean, it makes mine hurt, and I didn’t even start with a headache.”
"Putting it off isn't going to make talking about it any easier, so go ahead and say what you got to say, Shin." Kenya muttered, unable to believe he wasn't procrastinating as sometimes he could swear that he lived by the rule of procrastinating on everything that needed doing when it needed doing, and never touching it until he felt like it.
“You sure? Forgetting about things can be fun….” Shinji sighed, though, knowing Kenya did have a point. “Depends on how much crap you want to hear, because there’s things playing into this that I’ve not really ever talked about.” He was going to give Kenya every out possible, really.
"Yeah, but before you start, Shin… I know this is probably going to annoy you and know I mean no offense by it, but sometimes you seem like you don't want to let yourself be happy like maybe you're happiest being miserable."
Kenya took a deep breath, preparing himself for the burst of anger he was sure his words would cause but forged on anyway. "Just, you keep ragging on yourself and worrying about things, and, I don't know but, yeah."
Shinji thought about that for a minute, turning things over in his head. “That’s probably because I keep sabotaging myself,” he said frankly. “And I’m sure there’s reasons for that besides what I’ve come up with, too, but that’s…something for another time. Like time with a shrink or something.” Because that was something else Shinji had come to realize.
“You know I didn’t have anything I could call a friend before I came here.” Shinji stared off into the darkness. “You don’t know exactly how strained it was, both at school and at home. A lot of things sent me here, mainly my needing to escape that, and it followed me in my own head.”
Once the words started coming, Shinji found he was having a hard time stopping them. “I was never considered, well, good enough. I was too smart, to dumb, too talkative, too quiet, too,” he blushed, “well, never mind…but all those things kept me from being good enough for people, good enough to be around. And then something happened where I just had to leave.” Shinji wrapped his arms around his knees, feeling a sudden need to be held and doing it himself, because he didn’t want to risk mockery or rejection from Kenya. “And now, I just keep making sure it’ll still be true.”
He wasn't any good at this!
Kenya squirmed inwardly struggling against the urge to jump to his feet and run away. The conversation was getting deeper than deep and he just knew he was going to fuck up and scar Shinji for life with something he said. Yet, he couldn't just callously walk off either without seeming like one hell of a jerk.
"What happened?" and then because it had to be said. "You got to stop that, you know. It's almost like you do it hoping someone will pick you up and convince you of your value, but, you know…"
Yeah, here goes the part where he traumatized a guy for life. "If you can't be happy with who you are first, no one else will be. And eventually they'll get tired of trying to boost you up just for you to keep seeing only the bad in you."
Shinji couldn’t help getting annoyed at that. “Maybe this was a bad idea. You wanted me to talk, I’m talking, and you know? Maybe I am getting there, maybe that was one of the things I realized this weekend, but you asked for the why I did what I did, not for the conclusions I drew from it. So we’ll skip everything else, and go right to that.”
He shifted a little. “You’re right. One of the reasons I stopped this weekend, was because I suddenly realized if I did…what I was going to do, it’d just give me another reason to keep seeing the bad. And I’m fucking tired of that! I’ve liked myself more since I came here than I have before, and I want to be happy with myself, so I need to stop doing this self-defeatist crap. So, yeah, I woke up, but don’t worry about what I woke up from.”
Shinji stood, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I won’t bother you with this again, Kenya. Just know, I’m not going to be that defeated, defeatist person anymore.”
"No, I asked you what happened to make it so you had to leave, and, damn it! I'm doing the best I can, Shin." He said, shoulders drooping and head bowing to hide the brief flash of defeat that raced across his face.
"I never promised I'd say all the right stuff or have all the perfect answers, but I was willing to try."
Shinji sighed and looked down at Kenya, then slid back to the ground again. “I am, too, you know,” he said quietly. “This is hard, and…yeah. You already know more about me than, well, anyone. It’s scary. Running is instinct.”
“Why did I have to leave? Because someone couldn’t take no for an answer until I made them, and I was made aware that should they try again, my rejection didn’t mean much.”
Kenya clenched his hands in his lap, teeth grinding together. It upset him to hear that his friend had gone through that kind of experience. "You're safe here, though," he said finally, thinking it was probably too little and far too late.
"The guardians make sure we're all safe and I can't imagine the purebloods or aristocrats letting some creep like that stay in this school for long." The administrators either, but he hoped Shinji trusted the adults around him enough to believe that on his own.
“I’d actually be amused if some moron like that did try to come here,” Shinji muttered. Yeah, he was angry enough to be vindictive about that. “I’m sure that whatever happened as a result would make wonderful entertainment for the rest of us. My moron in particular won’t come here, anyway. Being here involves the ability to rub together two brain cells and have them spark.”
He leaned back against the wall again, wincing when his head smacked brick a little harder than he had intended. “Long story short. I brought a lot of crap here with me, and I’m just learning how to let it go.” Shinji looked at Kenya through a curtain of hair. “And when you asked if you did something to make me feel like I had to do what I did? I said yes and no, because yes, you did something, but it was probably my interpretation of it rather than the action itself.”
"Then tell me what I did, so I know." Kenya answered steeling himself for whatever was coming his way. He honestly didn't know which of his actions had caused Shinji so much turmoil but knew he was about to find out.
Shinji honestly would’ve given a lot to not have to answer that. He didn’t want to reopen anything. “But I guess I did that already,” he muttered to himself, choosing to look down at his lap rather than face Kenya, sparing both of them that embarrassment.
“I know I kind of threw myself at you for awhile there,” Shinji said softly. “And I am sorry about that. I can’t say how much I am. And I’m sure part of why I did that had to do with…what happened, as much as it did genuine attraction. I guess…I don’t know.” Shinji was bright red. “It never felt to me like you…wanted me, Ibu Shinji. The challenge maybe, but not the person.”
"Shin, that doesn't make any sense." Kenya confused by the confession. "I'm not trying to make light of your feelings or nothing, but if I didn't find you the person hot and didn't want you like that then I wouldn't have gotten so horny or hard then."
Fuck, he was blushing! He hated blushing and had hoped his time with Saeki had cured him of the habit but apparently it had not. "And, yeah, I love a good challenge but, fuck, man. I don't get horny over running a hell of a race or playing a fantastic game of tennis against people that have never been beaten before, so what makes you think I got horny over the challenge of getting into your pants, which I did not do, so if it was the challenge then I sure went about winning in the lousiest way possible considering I never even made it to the goal, if that was true."
“I didn’t say it made sense….” Shinji buried his face in his hands, sure he was going to die of embarrassment. “And I did say it probably had a lot more with how I was viewing it then actual events, and I’m not in your head, so yeah, I don’t know what you were thinking or reacting to, but….”
Shinji groaned. “Bear with me while I try to put this into words, and not die of embarrassment.” He took a deep breath. “I guess I saw it that way because, well, we played by your rules for the most part. It didn’t always feel…mutual, like….” Shinji swore he was going to self combust! “You didn’t want me touching you. And then it…I was so easy to walk away from and not think of like that again…well, it’s how it looked to me,” he finished a little defensively.
"I don't like being out of control," Kenya admitted, shying from looking toward his friend. "So, yeah, maybe I can see it feeling like we were going by my rules but sometimes it felt like you were pushing… for what, I don't know but the more it happened the less I wanted to lose my control over the situation."
"And it ain't that it was easy to walk off and not think like that again, just… it doesn't feel right." Again, he felt defeated and lost, unable to figure out what he should or shouldn't say to make things okay for his friend again.
"You have to admit that stuff went so horribly wrong, and if my not sleeping with you and doing stuff beyond what we did caused all this, then I hate to think what I would have caused to happen if I did."
“I’m not disputing any of that.” Shinji really wanted to run away at that moment. “I know things weren’t right, and I take full responsibility for that. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if…but no.” He shook his head, hard.
“It still doesn’t change the fact that I felt kind of….” He groped for the right word. “Lacking. Like I wasn’t good enough for you. And at about that same time, and nothing to do with you, I realized that I felt similar things with Hiyo. So I knew it was me, not either of you, and that just made it worse, in my head, because I started feeling not good enough for anyone again. And it threw me in a tailspin. I’m not proud of that. I am happy that I didn’t have to totally hit bottom.”
Shinji turned away from Kenya, not sure how the next part was going to sound. “Sometimes, you know, I just…want to be held. To be able to hug and be hugged, and not have anything there beyond friendship and just knowing someone’s there and I’m there for them, too. It sounds really weak and stupid, but I realized that’s what I’ve been looking for. Not someone to fuck, but someone to care as much as I do. And I do have that.”
Kenya was becoming more and more confused by the second. He didn't know what to say in response to each of Shinji's new revelations. Maybe an apology would be good, but was it really right to apologize when he couldn't help the way he felt? Groaning mentally at his incompetence, the unruly blonde tried to focus on the latter of his friend's words.
"I, uh, really ain't the hugging sort, Shin, but you said you had that, right? I guess you figured out who could give you what you need, huh?"
“Yeah, I figured that much out already. It’d probably mean the end of the world was here, or something equally as bad, if you were to hug someone.” Shinji rested his forehead against his knees. “In that sense, not really, since I seem to find myself attracted to the non-touchy type.” He chuckled. “But in other senses, yeah.”
He sighed. “I hate that I dumped this all on you.”
Kenya shot his friend a sharp look, slightly annoyed by the assessment but far too smart to say anything about it. The truth was the truth, after all. "You can dump away, just as long as you don't expect me to be the source of some miracle fix because I'm fresh out of ideas on how to help, besides listening."
That too was a truth he couldn't deny. Hell, he could hardly manage to keep his own life sorted how was he supposed to help anyone else? The best he could do was offer Shinji an ear to listen and maybe, if he was lucky, some sound advice here and there. Though, he guessed it would take a miracle for that to happen to, since his advice sucked on a good day.
Shinji couldn’t help laughing at that outright. “I don’t believe in miracles, and besides. I know the only one that can fix my problems is me. Having someone to say it all to helped a lot, though, so thank you, Kenya.
“Though….” He turned to look at Kenya. “I think it’s your turn, now. Why are you hiding up on the roof so late, and looking like you’re trying to move in?”
"I don't look like that!" Kenya denied, nose wrinkling in annoyance. Sure, he had a lamp of a sort and a book he'd been reading, but surely not enough junk to warrant the idea of moving in?
"Just seemed like as good a place as any to study, that's all."
“There’s better places to study.” Shinji stretched out his legs and sighed. “Like, places where you don’t have to induce eyestrain, which kinda negates all of the studying if you’re half blind and in pain at the end of it.” He was quiet for a minute. “Are you…having problems with your roommate?” he asked cautiously.
Kenya snorted softly. Having problems with his roommate? That would require Zaizen actually acknowledging his existence those rare times that Kenya didn't do something to drag him out of his own little world, which his moods apparently did.
"Na, and there isn't anything wrong with this place as long as the lamp stays bright enough. And, besides, the view is great on the nights when the sky is clearer."
Shinji bit his lip, not entirely sure that Kenya was telling the truth, but he wasn’t going to push. If Kenya wanted to talk, he’d talk, either to Shinji or someone he trusted, it didn’t matter. “I’ll give you that much, about the view,” he said instead, looking up at the sky. “Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be able to touch the stars, to be among them.”
He shook his head; it wasn’t exactly the time for dreams. “Though I usually don’t come up here to look at them.”
"Sounds like material for a song," Kenya said with a small grin, leaning back against the wall again. He closed his eyes, letting the sounds surround him, and the coolness of the night wash over him. For now he was content to just sit there for a few more minutes, though he knew soon enough he should probably call it a night.
“What makes you think it hasn’t been?” Shinji tilted his head, looking over at Kenya, just taking the opportunity to relax now that things felt a little less tense. “Just..not one that has ever become public, or will ever become public. Which reminds me somehow...are you in a music class here? I heard we’re getting a teacher this week.” He paused. “I have mixed feelings about that.”
"Yeah, but I haven't heard any rumors about my current teacher being displaced." He hadn't exactly kept abreast of the latest gossip with everything that had been happening of late, so it was news to him.
"Why the mixed feelings?"
Shinji shrugged. “Because my class is getting the new one, and while anyone would be better than the glorified babysitter we have now, I have no idea what this one will be like. Probably miles better, but it could be worse, too.” He shrugged again. “I’m reserving judgment, but, you know, better the devil you know and all that.”
"Guess you can only wait and see," Kenya replied softly. The talk of a new teacher pricked his curiosity but he wasn't that enthusiastic about hunting the person down to check them out. That sounded too much like work to the blonde that hit a serious streak laziness right then.
“It’s about all you can do in life, right? With anything. There’s only so far and so much you can push and try to make things happen, but there’s always a point where all you can do is sit back and let the universe work, which is kind of frustrating in a way, because the universe can’t always be trusted, and it’s so much easier just to do things yourself, but then there’s always rules, and half the rules around here are stupid anyway….”
Shinji closed his mouth, blushing deeply. “Fuck, I hate it when I do that.”
"When you do what?" Kenya asked with a quick glance to his friend. "Ramble or think about stuff like that?"
“Ramble.” Shinji looked back over at Kenya. “It’s not like everyone in earshot needs to know exactly what I’m thinking, right?”
"So?" Kenya pushed away from the wall with a sigh, turning to face Shinji as he spoke. "Don't worry about it and just be yourself, because if you start acting like people expect or how you think you should then you're just going to be miserable."
And didn't he know that from experience?
Shinji blinked, looking at Kenya, holding his friend’s eyes with his own. “Putting aside the fact that you just made a very deep and insightful comment, not that I think you’re not capable of it, because I know you are.” He took a deep breath, curbing the impulse to ramble again. “I worry about it for different reasons than that.”
He tilted his head a little, still looking at Kenya. “Yeah, a part of it is the whole ‘normal’ thing, but the rest is actually tied in with my comfort levels. Do you know how disconcerting it is to realize that your supposedly private thoughts ended up on public display.” Shinji chuckled. “I’ve gotten into a few fights because of that inability to just think that someone is an idiot.”
"Maybe, but at least the people around you don't have to worry about not knowing what you really think, right?" he countered, annoyed somewhat by the fact that he must come off as being very shallow for one insightful comment to draw that sort of remark.
“It seems to me that you were worried about just that not too long ago,” Shinji replied quietly.
"Eh? When?" Kenya asked as the memory eluded him.
Shinji tried his best to bite back his smile. “The entire time you were encouraging me to talk to you, for one. If you weren’t on some level, worried about not knowing what I was thinking, you wouldn’t have been asking why I was doing some things.” The logic worked in his head, at least.
"Only because as much as you talk you try to hide shit too and some stuff just doesn't make sense, if I don't ask." Frowning, he reached up to rub at his temples again. Fuck, the throbbing just wasn't going away at all.
“You have to admit, it’s a good tactic to keep the people I don’t want to get close from getting there.” Shinji frowned as he watched Kenya. “Good god…you’re making me hurt just watching you. Please don’t punch me for this, Kenya.”
Moving slowly, Shinji shifted behind Kenya and started gently massaging his neck and temples, the way he’d done so many times before. “My mother gets a lot of tension headaches…this helps sometimes. At least, hopefully it’ll help enough to let you get to a bottle of painkillers.”
"Yeah, so does just staying away from them," Kenya offered up his preferred method of avoiding people getting within his safety zone. He tensed when he suddenly had Shinji sliding up to him from behind, hands rising to rub at his neck and temples. He tried to relax, but he found he couldn't. Mainly, because every instinct he possessed told him there was someone sitting at his back and while he knew Shinji wasn't a danger the side of him that ran headlong into fights screamed out warning after warning, until he finally laughed awkwardly.
"Sorry. Think I should just go see what we have in the first aid kit for headaches." He told his friend, reaching up to gently pull attentive hands from his temples. It wasn't Shinji, but him. He just did not like having someone sitting behind him where he couldn't see what they were doing or have any visual signs of what they might be thinking or plotting as sometimes body language could give away the smallest things.
“Yeah…it’s okay.” It wasn’t, but Shinji was more than adept at covering up hurt; he’d had so much practice after all. “Go take care of your headache, Kenya.”
He leaned back against the wall again, clearly having no plans about moving anytime soon, though he did grab Kenya’s lamp and hold it. “I’m confiscating this until your headache is gone, though,” he stated with a smile. “No need to make it worse, right?” And it wasn’t like Shinji wouldn’t give it back as soon as he was asked, anyway…as long as that asking came after Kenya had medicated and slept.
Kenya frowned as his lamp was confiscated, wondering if Shinji was actually serious. He was and he could tell by the look in his eyes, which drew a nearly forlorn sigh from him. "Okay, but I want it back later." He told the teen at his feet as he rose, stretching out the kinks in the process with a reach of slender arms toward the sky.
Shinji very deliberately looked away from Kenya as he stretched, not wanting to make things more awkward, even by accident. “Later,” he confirmed. “Now go take care of yourself, Kenya.” He made a shooing motion with his hand, his smile teasing. “And Kenya? If you really need to escape, you can come down to my room. Just letting you know my door’s open to you.”
He thought about it as he relaxed from the stretch, catching the teasing smile when he settled down. "Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll drop by sometime." He agreed with a grin.
"Anyway, I'm heading in." he continued as he turned to leave, a brief wave given only to pause and toss over his shoulder, before he reached the door leading inside the building.
"Uh, if you want, you can join me for lunch tomorrow." He normally ate alone while he was reading over his notes but sometimes a change was good.
“You better. Though, you’ll at least have to come by to rescue your hostage,” Shinji reminded him, waving the lamp as a reminder. “Though…hmm. I guess we can do a hostage exchange at lunch tomorrow,” he added, his way of accepting the invitation.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Sleep well, sweet dreams, and wake up pain free.” Shinji waved at Kenya, then tilted his head back to look at the sky. He wasn’t ready to give up the relaxing night just yet…maybe in a few more minutes.
"Night, Shin." Kenya murmured with a final wave, before slipping through the door and down the stairwell. Tomorrow he'd get his lamp back, so there were no worries there. Now to find something for the headache that plagued him.