Arianna Swann
This fic only has one chapter so far and yet it's already off to quite an asspicious beginning. And no, that wasn't a typo.
TITLE: Where You Wouldn't Dare To Look Sadly, I dare to look in the Pit of Voles every day, sweetie. Try again.
CULPRIT: Andciritien
SUMMARY: "Our Mr Turner always has looked for love in the wrong places...but could this be the right place? (Ok, so it's lame but i couldnt think of what to say. RR plz! FLAMES NOT ACCEPTED!)"
BEST LINE: "She stammered, searching her horribly blank mind for a feasible excuse." Hee. Heeehee. Heeheeheehee. *continues giggling childishly*
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Arianna Swann Back when I was young and stupid, Arianna was my Sue-Name of choice. Ah, memories.
EYES: "pure green eyes"
HAIR: "fiery red curls" "flame red curls"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: She's pale. Because "pale" = "OMG TEH HAWT!!1!"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: none
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Elizabeth's cousin and bestest friend in the world.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: [See Above] She's also most likely going to be Will's new true love.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none so far
THE "PLOT": Elizabeth fell out of love with Will and dumped him for Commodore Norrington. Again. Her cousin, the Sue, is about to marry some guy. Elizabeth invited Jack to this wedding for some reason. Mostly, just so that Sue could sneak aboard the Black Pearl and run into Will, who's also leaving Port Royal with Jack. I'm almost fooled into thinking that Jack is in character when he wants to know what benefit it would be for him to let Sue stay on board. But, sadly, he was only joking. The Suethor was just teasing me with the temptation of the Captain Jack Sparrow that I know and love. He's really going to let Sue stay because he can sense that she's going to be Will's one true love. So he leads Will into claiming that Sue is his whore, under the pretense that that's the only way he'll allow her to stay. Aw. Jack the Yenta. *sporks* How I hate that guy. Anyway, Sue's fiance (who will no doubt be teh 3bil) throws a hissy-fit and sends Commodore Norrington to find her. Because Sue is really stupid she's just standing around on deck before the Black Pearl has even left the dock so the Commodore finds her almost immediately. Don't ask me how or why the Black Pearl was just docked all out in the open at Port Royal. Anyway, Commodore Norrington demands that Sue return and grabs her wrist. Apparently, this hurts Sue so she yells in pain. Will demands that Commodore Norrington let Sue go. Commodore Norrington wants to know what'll happen if he doesn't. So Will punches him in his face. And apparently Commodore Norrington has a glass jaw so he "[crumples] like a sack of potatoes." Will decides that it's time to leave.
NOTES: The most annoying thing about this Sue is that the author grossly mischaracterizes Elizabeth, just so that she can steal Elizabeth's actual personality and give it to the Sue and thus make Will attracted to her. It's just 52 different flavors of wrong.
Also, for some strange reason the first scene with Sue in it is in first person, whereas the very first scene is in third person. I originally thought that the author was going to have all of Sue's scenes from her first person perspective and anything that Sue didn't witness in third person. Weird, but I've seen it done. But every other scene in the story so far is third person. Including scenes starring the Sue. Makes no sense, really.
Oh and her summary for one of her LotR fics, called "The Serenity of War", scares me: "this is the sequel 2 my previous story Search For Vanwaithilien, so i suggest u read that first. this is set afta the battle of the ring, and if u've read my 1st one i hope u like this one! plz r and r"
*shivers* Was she just trying to make a scary netspeak summary on purpose? Because she is, apparently, actually capable of writing something that is technically coherent.
EXCERPT:
Will and Sue talk. There's 'foreshadowing' of their forthcoming twu wuv.
Arianna slid onto the nearest ship unnoticed. The crew, including the captain were conveniently absent. Well, at least she admits that it's incerdibly convenient that no one happens to be there. She immediately went below deck, to find a suitable place to conceal herself.
But the ship was not empty, as she had first guessed. In a rather messy room, she found Will Turner.
“Miss Swann?” He gasped. She flushed, her eyes wide. She had been caught, like a fish in a net. Thank you for that simile. It was like a fifth wheel on a bike.
“Mr Turner, I…um…I’m looking for…” She stammered, searching her horribly blank mind for a feasible excuse. *descends into giggles again* I'm sorry. I'm easily amused today. But, look, it's not every day a Sue herself points out that her head's empty.
“A way to escape by any chance?” He asked, smiling softly. Arianna actually smiled back. That smile broke through her mask of cynicism and forced maturity, making her look so young and even more beautiful. I don't think "Oh, please." is a strong enough statement to make at this juncture.
“Yes, you could say that. And you?” She asked politely, as she knew no reason for him to be leaving, except the matter with Elizabeth. And Will had put on a brave face on that matter.
“Same. But I am not running away from my own wedding.”
“No, you are running away from your past.” She replied thoughtfully, her eyes sliding to the floor. You know, even though this isn't horribly written (though, someone needs to learn the correct grammar for dialogue attribution) these "You're running away from [insert source of angst here]. No you're running away from [insert alternate source of angst here]!" conversations are really quite... well, played out. Overdone. Cliche. DeadDeadDead.
“Are you stowing away then?” He asked, hoping to change the subject of this rather painful conversation. Yes, it is rather painful isn't it?
“I have money to offer your captain if that is what he wishes.” She answered steadily.
“Jack? He likes his women, he’ll probably let you stay.” Will laughed gently. Like Arianna’s youthful smile, it revealed another side of him.
“Good. I have no intention of returning to Port Royal.” Her voice was uncharacteristically cold. But you just finished saying a few paragraphs ago how she was cynical and stuff. Sounding cold can't be that out of character.
“Is he really that bad?” Will asked quietly, his eyes studying the young woman in front of him. Arianna shook her head, sending her flame red curls flying about her pale face.
“No. But I do not love him.” She murmured quietly, as if ashamed. But Will found no shame in her answer. In marrying this man, she would be lying to him, to herself, to the world. No matter how much pain she caused now, it would not be as bad as the burden of carrying such a lie. In Will’s eyes, she was doing the right thing. You mean that same right thing that Elizabeth did by choosing you over Commodore Norrington?
“You would forfeit station for love?” Will smiled, his eyes boring into hers. And attitude like that in a woman of Arianna’s position was most refreshing. You mean that attitude that the author has leeched from Elizabeth and bestowed upon her Sue? Arianna melted under his gaze, against her will.
“Every time.”
Their eyes met, and there was no denying the attraction between them. But Will was not looking for love; Arianna was unwilling to give hers away so easily.
With great effort, both of them looked away. Funny, it took no effort at all for me to look away from this story.
TITLE: Where You Wouldn't Dare To Look Sadly, I dare to look in the Pit of Voles every day, sweetie. Try again.
CULPRIT: Andciritien
SUMMARY: "Our Mr Turner always has looked for love in the wrong places...but could this be the right place? (Ok, so it's lame but i couldnt think of what to say. RR plz! FLAMES NOT ACCEPTED!)"
BEST LINE: "She stammered, searching her horribly blank mind for a feasible excuse." Hee. Heeehee. Heeheeheehee. *continues giggling childishly*
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Arianna Swann Back when I was young and stupid, Arianna was my Sue-Name of choice. Ah, memories.
EYES: "pure green eyes"
HAIR: "fiery red curls" "flame red curls"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: She's pale. Because "pale" = "OMG TEH HAWT!!1!"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: none
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Elizabeth's cousin and bestest friend in the world.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: [See Above] She's also most likely going to be Will's new true love.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none so far
THE "PLOT": Elizabeth fell out of love with Will and dumped him for Commodore Norrington. Again. Her cousin, the Sue, is about to marry some guy. Elizabeth invited Jack to this wedding for some reason. Mostly, just so that Sue could sneak aboard the Black Pearl and run into Will, who's also leaving Port Royal with Jack. I'm almost fooled into thinking that Jack is in character when he wants to know what benefit it would be for him to let Sue stay on board. But, sadly, he was only joking. The Suethor was just teasing me with the temptation of the Captain Jack Sparrow that I know and love. He's really going to let Sue stay because he can sense that she's going to be Will's one true love. So he leads Will into claiming that Sue is his whore, under the pretense that that's the only way he'll allow her to stay. Aw. Jack the Yenta. *sporks* How I hate that guy. Anyway, Sue's fiance (who will no doubt be teh 3bil) throws a hissy-fit and sends Commodore Norrington to find her. Because Sue is really stupid she's just standing around on deck before the Black Pearl has even left the dock so the Commodore finds her almost immediately. Don't ask me how or why the Black Pearl was just docked all out in the open at Port Royal. Anyway, Commodore Norrington demands that Sue return and grabs her wrist. Apparently, this hurts Sue so she yells in pain. Will demands that Commodore Norrington let Sue go. Commodore Norrington wants to know what'll happen if he doesn't. So Will punches him in his face. And apparently Commodore Norrington has a glass jaw so he "[crumples] like a sack of potatoes." Will decides that it's time to leave.
NOTES: The most annoying thing about this Sue is that the author grossly mischaracterizes Elizabeth, just so that she can steal Elizabeth's actual personality and give it to the Sue and thus make Will attracted to her. It's just 52 different flavors of wrong.
Also, for some strange reason the first scene with Sue in it is in first person, whereas the very first scene is in third person. I originally thought that the author was going to have all of Sue's scenes from her first person perspective and anything that Sue didn't witness in third person. Weird, but I've seen it done. But every other scene in the story so far is third person. Including scenes starring the Sue. Makes no sense, really.
Oh and her summary for one of her LotR fics, called "The Serenity of War", scares me: "this is the sequel 2 my previous story Search For Vanwaithilien, so i suggest u read that first. this is set afta the battle of the ring, and if u've read my 1st one i hope u like this one! plz r and r"
*shivers* Was she just trying to make a scary netspeak summary on purpose? Because she is, apparently, actually capable of writing something that is technically coherent.
EXCERPT:
Will and Sue talk. There's 'foreshadowing' of their forthcoming twu wuv.
Arianna slid onto the nearest ship unnoticed. The crew, including the captain were conveniently absent. Well, at least she admits that it's incerdibly convenient that no one happens to be there. She immediately went below deck, to find a suitable place to conceal herself.
But the ship was not empty, as she had first guessed. In a rather messy room, she found Will Turner.
“Miss Swann?” He gasped. She flushed, her eyes wide. She had been caught, like a fish in a net. Thank you for that simile. It was like a fifth wheel on a bike.
“Mr Turner, I…um…I’m looking for…” She stammered, searching her horribly blank mind for a feasible excuse. *descends into giggles again* I'm sorry. I'm easily amused today. But, look, it's not every day a Sue herself points out that her head's empty.
“A way to escape by any chance?” He asked, smiling softly. Arianna actually smiled back. That smile broke through her mask of cynicism and forced maturity, making her look so young and even more beautiful. I don't think "Oh, please." is a strong enough statement to make at this juncture.
“Yes, you could say that. And you?” She asked politely, as she knew no reason for him to be leaving, except the matter with Elizabeth. And Will had put on a brave face on that matter.
“Same. But I am not running away from my own wedding.”
“No, you are running away from your past.” She replied thoughtfully, her eyes sliding to the floor. You know, even though this isn't horribly written (though, someone needs to learn the correct grammar for dialogue attribution) these "You're running away from [insert source of angst here]. No you're running away from [insert alternate source of angst here]!" conversations are really quite... well, played out. Overdone. Cliche. DeadDeadDead.
“Are you stowing away then?” He asked, hoping to change the subject of this rather painful conversation. Yes, it is rather painful isn't it?
“I have money to offer your captain if that is what he wishes.” She answered steadily.
“Jack? He likes his women, he’ll probably let you stay.” Will laughed gently. Like Arianna’s youthful smile, it revealed another side of him.
“Good. I have no intention of returning to Port Royal.” Her voice was uncharacteristically cold. But you just finished saying a few paragraphs ago how she was cynical and stuff. Sounding cold can't be that out of character.
“Is he really that bad?” Will asked quietly, his eyes studying the young woman in front of him. Arianna shook her head, sending her flame red curls flying about her pale face.
“No. But I do not love him.” She murmured quietly, as if ashamed. But Will found no shame in her answer. In marrying this man, she would be lying to him, to herself, to the world. No matter how much pain she caused now, it would not be as bad as the burden of carrying such a lie. In Will’s eyes, she was doing the right thing. You mean that same right thing that Elizabeth did by choosing you over Commodore Norrington?
“You would forfeit station for love?” Will smiled, his eyes boring into hers. And attitude like that in a woman of Arianna’s position was most refreshing. You mean that attitude that the author has leeched from Elizabeth and bestowed upon her Sue? Arianna melted under his gaze, against her will.
“Every time.”
Their eyes met, and there was no denying the attraction between them. But Will was not looking for love; Arianna was unwilling to give hers away so easily.
With great effort, both of them looked away. Funny, it took no effort at all for me to look away from this story.