Maeve/Fey
Every single day I find new and different levels of suckitude. This also happens to be Sue #55 (...yay?). Why I didn't say anything at 50... I really have no idea.
TITLE: The Gypsy Queen
CULPRIT: Loony Lemon Curry
SUMMARY: "There are two big pirate captains left in the Spanish Main, Captain Jack Sparrow and The Gypsy, Captain of the pirate vessel 'the Gypsy Queen.' After her crew commits mutiny, Fey, or 'the Gypsy' will do anything to get it back. Anything."
BEST LINE: "'For a minute there, mate, I thought you might have had a generous thought in your mind. Well, ferget about that.' (A/N, it's supposed to be spelled like that, she's got an Irish accent, remember?)"
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Maeve or "Fey"
EYES: "large, sad hazel eyes"
HAIR: "Her hair hung in natural loose ringlets down to her waist. It was a mixture of various shades of red and gold, ranging from dark red to light blonde. Over-all, it was a bronze- gold colour."
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: I usually put more extensive description here, but there's so much you can just read it in the excerpt.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: "her infamous double swords" and some other crap also mentioned in the excerpt.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: "[Jack's] only real competition for the title of 'best damn pirate in the Spanish Main.' She was also, incidentally, his only actual rival in the category of 'bloody craziest pirate ever to sail the seas.'"
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is going to be Jack's one true love like countless Lady Pirates before her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She's supposedly the best swordsperson in the Caribbean, but since she can't beat Jack and Jack is stated by the writers to be the worst swordfighter of the four main guys I'm guessing that's a fabrication.
THE "PLOT": Is there one? I'm not sure. I was too busy rolling my eyes so hard and and so frequently that I got dizzy. Meh. We start with an unnecessarily long description of the Sue. No one in the universe cares about the Sue at all, much less the amount of minutiae as regards her appearance that we get to find out. In fact, the entire first scene is just a description of the Sue walking down the street and having everyone stare at her in fear and awe or something. In fact, it was so ridiculous that I almost suspected the author of cribbing it from my little trip into the head of Kit Turner. But, sadly, this was written before I wrote that, so we must arrive at the rather depressing conclusion that this person was actually serious about such inanity. Anyway, next scene is Jack wandering around, looking for rum, getting slapped, you know, the usual. Then he bumps into Sue and falls to the ground. She must be a hefty gal. They get into a swordfight and the rest of the chapter is their witty banter. I use the word "witty" loosely. Same with the word "banter." Jack wins and during their reparte Sue agreed that the winner would buy the loser a drink. The next chapter is them sharing drinks and talking about how they were both marooned after their crews mutinied. Jack says it happened to him two years before so I deduce that this story must take place around the same time as the very first scene of the movie. I take some pleasure in knowing that it's not likely that poor Will and Elizabeth will be dragged into this mess. The rest of the chapter (there are only two) is more "witty banter." It's about sex again.
NOTES: A Life Lesson:
If you are not, in fact, a witty person with a wry or sarcastic sense of humor do not attempt to write almost every character interaction in terms of witty banter. You will just make yourself and your characters look stupid, as your readers wonder: "Who the hell talks like this?"
EXCERPT:
An excessively long description of Sue and the worst banter EVER.
In the dark of the night This line made me have flashbacks to the Anastasia movie that Dreamworks put out years ago. *sings to herself wishing her evil minions would arise and take out the Sue* in Tortuga, stepping over the drunks passed out every which way in the main street, and past the whores thrusting their cleavage invitingly at men, and threateningly at other women So, is that like when apes bang their chests and growl and stuff?, and through the ale-sticky streets, walked a strange woman. She was dressed like a gypsy: Again with the damn gypsies. the skirt hanging off her hips hung to her calves and appeared to consist of approximately a dozen different scarves, none of which matched the other, and all very brightly coloured. On the hem were little silver circles that jingled as she walked. Such a skirt would seem nearly dainty, if it hadn't been for the knee high, sturdy black leather boots that were under it. She was wearing a billowing white blouse, tied around her forearms, causing it to bellow even more, and had an extremely scooped neck, and over that a very tight black vest that worked as a sort of corset to push her breasts up. Fortunately (although that's not what men thought of it,) her blouse had been pulled up from under the vest to cover the majority of said cleavage. But it wasn't just her clothing (or her cleavage) that attracted so much attention to this woman; it was her face.
She was beautiful, and dangerous. Though her clothes spoke of the Romany Gypsy people, the rest of her certainly did not. The first thing one noticed about her was her hair. Her hair hung in natural loose ringlets down to her waist. I'm absolutely certain that she, as a pirate captain, had all the time in the world to care for fucking waist-length curly hair! Are these Suethors all bald or just completely lacking the ability to think practically? It was a mixture of various shades of red and gold, ranging from dark red to light blonde. Over-all, it was a bronze- gold colour. She had tan, slightly sun-burned skin with a light dusting of freckles on her dainty nose. Her large, sad hazel eyes contrasted sharply with her sarcastic mouth, which was at the moment mumbling darkly.
As this strange character moved quickly through the streets, she seemed not to notice the stares people gave her, and how they almost avoided her. Maybe that was because she was beautiful. Or because she looked completely mad. She was talking to herself, and gesturing wildly with her hands, causing the many bangles on her arms to jingle in time with the jingly things on her skirt. The lamplight caught in the silver jewelry all over her body: the multitudes of bracelets on her arms, the four rings on her fingers, the large hoop earrings (and a few smaller ones) in her ears, and the small silver-embedded emerald in her left nostril. Wha? Silver-embedded emerald? The hell? She carried on her back a strangely shaped bag, shaped like a pear with a long stick on the end. Sticking out of the bag were the hilts of two swords, crossed diagonally across each other: her infamous double swords.
Even the drunks in the middle of passing out stopped to stare at this odd (and evidently crazy) woman. People recognized her and many either waved at her, or ran and hid from her. Some seemed on the verge of bowing down to her and worshiping. Of course, she was know to everyone in all the islands and many of the countries in the ocean. For she was the infamous and mysterious woman pirate know as "the Gypsy Queen," or just Gypsy. But right now, all infamy and mystery aside, she was intent on one thing: drowning herself completely in a large tankard of rum. How I wish she meant this literally.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!!!!!!!!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Uhm, why the exclamation abuse in the divider?. It's not bad enough that these seemingly endless strings of symbols are entirely unnecessary (an extra space or two would do) but now you have to include innocent punctuation marks too?
On the other side of the town was an equally strange and mad looking character. He was known to most (especially the town whores). As he swaggered (his walk seemed to be the epitome of the word) up from the door of his inn to the nearest tavern, the Faithful Bride, people stopped to look at him, pirates stopped to slap him on the back, and prostitutes stopped to slap him in the face. He took it all in as if he were watching it as a spectator. As he walked towards the tavern, he could smell the rum and sped up a bit, until right in front of him was a woman. Normally he would have gone around such an obstacle, but he took one look at her face and winced.
"Why haven't you come to see me?!" the woman shrieked.
"Listen love, I only just got in, I promise. I was actually on my way to see you!"
"Jack! I wait and wait for you to come, and when you're finally back in Tortuga, you don't even come to see me!" By this time the woman was sobbing uncontrollably.
'Why does she always find me when I'm so close to rum?!' Jack thought. By now he was growing impatient.
"How about we discuss this after I've had something to drink, eh?"
She gasped indignantly. "Your rum always comes first doesn't it! You never even have time for poor, little Sarah, who sticks by you so faithfully!"
'Sarah! That's the one!' Jack barely had the time to get the thought out before a hand struck him across the face so hard he fell backwards into the dirt.
"Well I hope I never see you again, Jack Sparrow." She turned abruptly around and stomped away.
"I knew there was I reason I didn't break up with that one," Jack said to himself, rubbing his cheek where a large hand-shaped spot was beginning to emerge. He shouted after her, "BLOODY WOMAN! AND THAT WOULD BE 'CAPTAIN' JACK TO YEH!" He stood up and continued on his way, in a much darker mood.
He was not happy when he soon found himself back on his arse glaring up at another woman who had knocked him down by simply walking into him.
"What the hell is with you stupid women tonight!" Jack growled and he jumped to his feet. When he was standing again he looked at the woman and was surprised to see that it was not another of his whore friends, but instead someone who he never thought he would meet under the current circumstances.
"Excuse me, but I am not going to be grouped into the category of 'stupid women' and if you don't take it back I'm afraid I will have to make you take it back!" Oh Lord. The stilted and horrible dialogue begins.
Jack glared his only real competition for the title of "best damn pirate in the Spanish Main." She was also, incidentally, his only actual rival in the category of "bloody craziest pirate ever to sail the seas." He sneered at her. "Oh, and how were yeh going to do that, woman?"
In less than a second her black pack that was on her back was on the ground and her swords were at his throat. "Like this, mate."
Jack had his sword up in an instant and said, "If yeh'lll challenge me to an honorable fight, yeh'd put one of those away and fight me as I am." She hesitated then complied. Then Jack continued, "are you sure you want to do this, love? Ye'll be crossing blades with the best swordsman in the Caribbean."
"And yeh'll be crossing blades with the best swordsperson in the Caribbean."
He attacked her, she parried. She attacked, he parried, He attacked, she twisted away and struck so that he barely had time to attack. Well, isn't this riveting. Thus began one of the best fencing matches the rapidly gathering spectators had ever seen, and one of the most evenly matched. They gasped in wonder as the two sparring pirates jumped off barrels and balconies attacking with gusto, and somehow managing to keep up a conversation:
"Don't use yer gender against me."
"You were the one who brought sex into it. Yeh called me a stupid woman."
"Well, so I did. But I love anything that has to do with sex."
"That's not what I meant and yeh know it. However, I am led to believe that you must be severely deprived of said activity."
"Not at all! I have constant companions in the bedroom, on the desk, in the bar, in the crows nest. . ."
"Crows nest?! There goes me guess that yeh were a eunuch."
Jack paused in his attack to glare at her. "How can someone as positively manly as me be a eunuch?"
"Manly?! Huh, since yeh claim not to be a eunuch, me second guess was that you were a transvestite."
Now Jack stopped and gaped at her, barely remembering to lift his sword to parry her still vicious attack. "What in hell, my dear lady, led you to that demented conclusion?!" Please, someone make it stop.
"You're vainer than a peacock and wear as much make-up as a well bred lady. Not to mention that your hair is longer than one's."
"I'll have you know that my look is positively frightening, and extremely manly. I saw the way yeh looked at me when yeh first. . . .eh . . . bowled me over. Yeh want me. Admit it! I turn yeh on! I'd be happy to show yeh around the crows nest on me boat.or yer crow nest, whatever suits yer fancy."
"Yeh'll kindly not bring me ship into this." The Gypsy growled.
"Oh, something happen to yer precious "Gypsy Queen," then? I hear she's a lovely boat. . ."
"If you don't shut yer mouth, I'll gladly castrate you. I still like the idea of yer being a eunuch."
The two were completely oblivious to the crowd around them. The fight had been going on for a full 15 minutes, the longest man to [wo]man fight either of them had either engaged in. They were both getting tired, something that neither was used to.
"Alright, milady, if that happens, and you manage to best me, I'll buy you a drink, but if I win, you buy me one, savvy?" And here I was hoping the winner would kill the loser so that this stupid ass fic could be over.
"Aye. Good luck with that."
In a few minutes, the two found themselves pressed together tightly, and Jack, cocky, impudent Jack, glanced down to where their chests were crushed together and remarked, "My, I quite like the view from up here. Why, I could get used to this quite easily."
In an instant, the Gypsy had shoved herself away from him, dropped her sword and smacked him across the face so hard Jack spun around and landed on his face in the dirt. The crowd "oooh"ed and "aaahhh"ed at this new maneuver which so far only women involved with Jack Sparrow seemed to have acquired. "Dammit, woman!" Jack shouted at her, turning over, but staying on the ground. "You slap much better than any whore I've ever met!" *stabs self with spork*
She leaned over him, showing her cleavage again and said in a husky, seductive voice, "I do a lot of things much better than any whore yeh'll ever met."
Jack drooled for a second, *screams a bloodcurdling scream of rage* then corrected himself and frowned at her. "How come yer allowed to say suggestive, dirty things, but I'm not?"
"Because I'm a woman."
"Aha, now yer bringing sex into the conversation."
"Sex was already in the conversation. The conversation was sex." So how many times has the word "sex" been said so far in this fic? Do you think perhaps the author wishes us to know that there is some measure of sexual tension between this Sue and Jack?
Jack thought about that for a second. Then in the blink of an eye, he was on his feet, standing behind the Gypsy with her own sword pressed against her throat. He pressed up tight against her and said extremely sexily into her ear, "In that case, I would be honored to take the conversation to a whole new level. Oh yeah, and ye owe me a drink."
She groaned and lifted her arms in submission. "I can't believe I was just beaten by a man who wears more make-up than I do." When Jack let her go, she said, "I will castrate you yet."
"Aye, but that would make further such conversations impossible."
"No, mate, it would make them more amusing for me, and more painful for you. Now about that drink."
"One thing, lassie. I have to ask yeh a question." She raised one eyebrow as if to say 'go on, ask,' and he said, "What's yer real name?"
She looked at him, hesitating, and then said, "Maeve. Or you can call me Fey." She turned towards the tavern.
"Exactly how are the two related?" Damn good question.
Fey sighed. "I really don't want to explain this now, I want me rum and then I want to sleep. But if you must know. Maeve is my real Irish name, but when I was little I would run around like a wild child and people of my village in Ireland decided I was like a little wild fairy. I've been 'Fey' since I could walk." Damn stupid answer.
"I thought I recognized an Irish accent. How'd'yeh get into the pirating professing, if I may ask, oh wild woman of my soul?" Oh wild woman of his-- What the-- *breaks down crying*
"Look, let's go get pissed off our asses. No more ques-"
His voice cut her off. "Hold up, one more question."
She groaned. "Yer keeping me away from me rum!"
He chuckled and said, "This is my last question."
"Ask"
"Have you ever done it in a crows nest?" He just barely ducked the rock that came flying at his head.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What did you all think? Did yeh like it? I don't think "No" is a strong enough word in this instance. Please review, or I'll not post anything else. No one review this EVER! Please! I don't care if it hasn't been updated in months. If you review it she might come back! *quivers in fear* Please!!!! I had a lot of fun writing this. IMPORTANT NOTE! If there is anyone who wants to co-write it (preferably someone who is already an author so I can read your stuff and see if it's what I want) please contact me at Loony314@aol.com Please put "your fic" or "Gypsy Queen" in the subject of the e-mail or something like it. Really anything but "enlarge your penis three inches in one week!" will do. Cheers!
TITLE: The Gypsy Queen
CULPRIT: Loony Lemon Curry
SUMMARY: "There are two big pirate captains left in the Spanish Main, Captain Jack Sparrow and The Gypsy, Captain of the pirate vessel 'the Gypsy Queen.' After her crew commits mutiny, Fey, or 'the Gypsy' will do anything to get it back. Anything."
BEST LINE: "'For a minute there, mate, I thought you might have had a generous thought in your mind. Well, ferget about that.' (A/N, it's supposed to be spelled like that, she's got an Irish accent, remember?)"
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Maeve or "Fey"
EYES: "large, sad hazel eyes"
HAIR: "Her hair hung in natural loose ringlets down to her waist. It was a mixture of various shades of red and gold, ranging from dark red to light blonde. Over-all, it was a bronze- gold colour."
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: I usually put more extensive description here, but there's so much you can just read it in the excerpt.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: "her infamous double swords" and some other crap also mentioned in the excerpt.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: "[Jack's] only real competition for the title of 'best damn pirate in the Spanish Main.' She was also, incidentally, his only actual rival in the category of 'bloody craziest pirate ever to sail the seas.'"
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is going to be Jack's one true love like countless Lady Pirates before her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She's supposedly the best swordsperson in the Caribbean, but since she can't beat Jack and Jack is stated by the writers to be the worst swordfighter of the four main guys I'm guessing that's a fabrication.
THE "PLOT": Is there one? I'm not sure. I was too busy rolling my eyes so hard and and so frequently that I got dizzy. Meh. We start with an unnecessarily long description of the Sue. No one in the universe cares about the Sue at all, much less the amount of minutiae as regards her appearance that we get to find out. In fact, the entire first scene is just a description of the Sue walking down the street and having everyone stare at her in fear and awe or something. In fact, it was so ridiculous that I almost suspected the author of cribbing it from my little trip into the head of Kit Turner. But, sadly, this was written before I wrote that, so we must arrive at the rather depressing conclusion that this person was actually serious about such inanity. Anyway, next scene is Jack wandering around, looking for rum, getting slapped, you know, the usual. Then he bumps into Sue and falls to the ground. She must be a hefty gal. They get into a swordfight and the rest of the chapter is their witty banter. I use the word "witty" loosely. Same with the word "banter." Jack wins and during their reparte Sue agreed that the winner would buy the loser a drink. The next chapter is them sharing drinks and talking about how they were both marooned after their crews mutinied. Jack says it happened to him two years before so I deduce that this story must take place around the same time as the very first scene of the movie. I take some pleasure in knowing that it's not likely that poor Will and Elizabeth will be dragged into this mess. The rest of the chapter (there are only two) is more "witty banter." It's about sex again.
NOTES: A Life Lesson:
If you are not, in fact, a witty person with a wry or sarcastic sense of humor do not attempt to write almost every character interaction in terms of witty banter. You will just make yourself and your characters look stupid, as your readers wonder: "Who the hell talks like this?"
EXCERPT:
An excessively long description of Sue and the worst banter EVER.
In the dark of the night This line made me have flashbacks to the Anastasia movie that Dreamworks put out years ago. *sings to herself wishing her evil minions would arise and take out the Sue* in Tortuga, stepping over the drunks passed out every which way in the main street, and past the whores thrusting their cleavage invitingly at men, and threateningly at other women So, is that like when apes bang their chests and growl and stuff?, and through the ale-sticky streets, walked a strange woman. She was dressed like a gypsy: Again with the damn gypsies. the skirt hanging off her hips hung to her calves and appeared to consist of approximately a dozen different scarves, none of which matched the other, and all very brightly coloured. On the hem were little silver circles that jingled as she walked. Such a skirt would seem nearly dainty, if it hadn't been for the knee high, sturdy black leather boots that were under it. She was wearing a billowing white blouse, tied around her forearms, causing it to bellow even more, and had an extremely scooped neck, and over that a very tight black vest that worked as a sort of corset to push her breasts up. Fortunately (although that's not what men thought of it,) her blouse had been pulled up from under the vest to cover the majority of said cleavage. But it wasn't just her clothing (or her cleavage) that attracted so much attention to this woman; it was her face.
She was beautiful, and dangerous. Though her clothes spoke of the Romany Gypsy people, the rest of her certainly did not. The first thing one noticed about her was her hair. Her hair hung in natural loose ringlets down to her waist. I'm absolutely certain that she, as a pirate captain, had all the time in the world to care for fucking waist-length curly hair! Are these Suethors all bald or just completely lacking the ability to think practically? It was a mixture of various shades of red and gold, ranging from dark red to light blonde. Over-all, it was a bronze- gold colour. She had tan, slightly sun-burned skin with a light dusting of freckles on her dainty nose. Her large, sad hazel eyes contrasted sharply with her sarcastic mouth, which was at the moment mumbling darkly.
As this strange character moved quickly through the streets, she seemed not to notice the stares people gave her, and how they almost avoided her. Maybe that was because she was beautiful. Or because she looked completely mad. She was talking to herself, and gesturing wildly with her hands, causing the many bangles on her arms to jingle in time with the jingly things on her skirt. The lamplight caught in the silver jewelry all over her body: the multitudes of bracelets on her arms, the four rings on her fingers, the large hoop earrings (and a few smaller ones) in her ears, and the small silver-embedded emerald in her left nostril. Wha? Silver-embedded emerald? The hell? She carried on her back a strangely shaped bag, shaped like a pear with a long stick on the end. Sticking out of the bag were the hilts of two swords, crossed diagonally across each other: her infamous double swords.
Even the drunks in the middle of passing out stopped to stare at this odd (and evidently crazy) woman. People recognized her and many either waved at her, or ran and hid from her. Some seemed on the verge of bowing down to her and worshiping. Of course, she was know to everyone in all the islands and many of the countries in the ocean. For she was the infamous and mysterious woman pirate know as "the Gypsy Queen," or just Gypsy. But right now, all infamy and mystery aside, she was intent on one thing: drowning herself completely in a large tankard of rum. How I wish she meant this literally.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!!!!!!!!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Uhm, why the exclamation abuse in the divider?. It's not bad enough that these seemingly endless strings of symbols are entirely unnecessary (an extra space or two would do) but now you have to include innocent punctuation marks too?
On the other side of the town was an equally strange and mad looking character. He was known to most (especially the town whores). As he swaggered (his walk seemed to be the epitome of the word) up from the door of his inn to the nearest tavern, the Faithful Bride, people stopped to look at him, pirates stopped to slap him on the back, and prostitutes stopped to slap him in the face. He took it all in as if he were watching it as a spectator. As he walked towards the tavern, he could smell the rum and sped up a bit, until right in front of him was a woman. Normally he would have gone around such an obstacle, but he took one look at her face and winced.
"Why haven't you come to see me?!" the woman shrieked.
"Listen love, I only just got in, I promise. I was actually on my way to see you!"
"Jack! I wait and wait for you to come, and when you're finally back in Tortuga, you don't even come to see me!" By this time the woman was sobbing uncontrollably.
'Why does she always find me when I'm so close to rum?!' Jack thought. By now he was growing impatient.
"How about we discuss this after I've had something to drink, eh?"
She gasped indignantly. "Your rum always comes first doesn't it! You never even have time for poor, little Sarah, who sticks by you so faithfully!"
'Sarah! That's the one!' Jack barely had the time to get the thought out before a hand struck him across the face so hard he fell backwards into the dirt.
"Well I hope I never see you again, Jack Sparrow." She turned abruptly around and stomped away.
"I knew there was I reason I didn't break up with that one," Jack said to himself, rubbing his cheek where a large hand-shaped spot was beginning to emerge. He shouted after her, "BLOODY WOMAN! AND THAT WOULD BE 'CAPTAIN' JACK TO YEH!" He stood up and continued on his way, in a much darker mood.
He was not happy when he soon found himself back on his arse glaring up at another woman who had knocked him down by simply walking into him.
"What the hell is with you stupid women tonight!" Jack growled and he jumped to his feet. When he was standing again he looked at the woman and was surprised to see that it was not another of his whore friends, but instead someone who he never thought he would meet under the current circumstances.
"Excuse me, but I am not going to be grouped into the category of 'stupid women' and if you don't take it back I'm afraid I will have to make you take it back!" Oh Lord. The stilted and horrible dialogue begins.
Jack glared his only real competition for the title of "best damn pirate in the Spanish Main." She was also, incidentally, his only actual rival in the category of "bloody craziest pirate ever to sail the seas." He sneered at her. "Oh, and how were yeh going to do that, woman?"
In less than a second her black pack that was on her back was on the ground and her swords were at his throat. "Like this, mate."
Jack had his sword up in an instant and said, "If yeh'lll challenge me to an honorable fight, yeh'd put one of those away and fight me as I am." She hesitated then complied. Then Jack continued, "are you sure you want to do this, love? Ye'll be crossing blades with the best swordsman in the Caribbean."
"And yeh'll be crossing blades with the best swordsperson in the Caribbean."
He attacked her, she parried. She attacked, he parried, He attacked, she twisted away and struck so that he barely had time to attack. Well, isn't this riveting. Thus began one of the best fencing matches the rapidly gathering spectators had ever seen, and one of the most evenly matched. They gasped in wonder as the two sparring pirates jumped off barrels and balconies attacking with gusto, and somehow managing to keep up a conversation:
"Don't use yer gender against me."
"You were the one who brought sex into it. Yeh called me a stupid woman."
"Well, so I did. But I love anything that has to do with sex."
"That's not what I meant and yeh know it. However, I am led to believe that you must be severely deprived of said activity."
"Not at all! I have constant companions in the bedroom, on the desk, in the bar, in the crows nest. . ."
"Crows nest?! There goes me guess that yeh were a eunuch."
Jack paused in his attack to glare at her. "How can someone as positively manly as me be a eunuch?"
"Manly?! Huh, since yeh claim not to be a eunuch, me second guess was that you were a transvestite."
Now Jack stopped and gaped at her, barely remembering to lift his sword to parry her still vicious attack. "What in hell, my dear lady, led you to that demented conclusion?!" Please, someone make it stop.
"You're vainer than a peacock and wear as much make-up as a well bred lady. Not to mention that your hair is longer than one's."
"I'll have you know that my look is positively frightening, and extremely manly. I saw the way yeh looked at me when yeh first. . . .eh . . . bowled me over. Yeh want me. Admit it! I turn yeh on! I'd be happy to show yeh around the crows nest on me boat.or yer crow nest, whatever suits yer fancy."
"Yeh'll kindly not bring me ship into this." The Gypsy growled.
"Oh, something happen to yer precious "Gypsy Queen," then? I hear she's a lovely boat. . ."
"If you don't shut yer mouth, I'll gladly castrate you. I still like the idea of yer being a eunuch."
The two were completely oblivious to the crowd around them. The fight had been going on for a full 15 minutes, the longest man to [wo]man fight either of them had either engaged in. They were both getting tired, something that neither was used to.
"Alright, milady, if that happens, and you manage to best me, I'll buy you a drink, but if I win, you buy me one, savvy?" And here I was hoping the winner would kill the loser so that this stupid ass fic could be over.
"Aye. Good luck with that."
In a few minutes, the two found themselves pressed together tightly, and Jack, cocky, impudent Jack, glanced down to where their chests were crushed together and remarked, "My, I quite like the view from up here. Why, I could get used to this quite easily."
In an instant, the Gypsy had shoved herself away from him, dropped her sword and smacked him across the face so hard Jack spun around and landed on his face in the dirt. The crowd "oooh"ed and "aaahhh"ed at this new maneuver which so far only women involved with Jack Sparrow seemed to have acquired. "Dammit, woman!" Jack shouted at her, turning over, but staying on the ground. "You slap much better than any whore I've ever met!" *stabs self with spork*
She leaned over him, showing her cleavage again and said in a husky, seductive voice, "I do a lot of things much better than any whore yeh'll ever met."
Jack drooled for a second, *screams a bloodcurdling scream of rage* then corrected himself and frowned at her. "How come yer allowed to say suggestive, dirty things, but I'm not?"
"Because I'm a woman."
"Aha, now yer bringing sex into the conversation."
"Sex was already in the conversation. The conversation was sex." So how many times has the word "sex" been said so far in this fic? Do you think perhaps the author wishes us to know that there is some measure of sexual tension between this Sue and Jack?
Jack thought about that for a second. Then in the blink of an eye, he was on his feet, standing behind the Gypsy with her own sword pressed against her throat. He pressed up tight against her and said extremely sexily into her ear, "In that case, I would be honored to take the conversation to a whole new level. Oh yeah, and ye owe me a drink."
She groaned and lifted her arms in submission. "I can't believe I was just beaten by a man who wears more make-up than I do." When Jack let her go, she said, "I will castrate you yet."
"Aye, but that would make further such conversations impossible."
"No, mate, it would make them more amusing for me, and more painful for you. Now about that drink."
"One thing, lassie. I have to ask yeh a question." She raised one eyebrow as if to say 'go on, ask,' and he said, "What's yer real name?"
She looked at him, hesitating, and then said, "Maeve. Or you can call me Fey." She turned towards the tavern.
"Exactly how are the two related?" Damn good question.
Fey sighed. "I really don't want to explain this now, I want me rum and then I want to sleep. But if you must know. Maeve is my real Irish name, but when I was little I would run around like a wild child and people of my village in Ireland decided I was like a little wild fairy. I've been 'Fey' since I could walk." Damn stupid answer.
"I thought I recognized an Irish accent. How'd'yeh get into the pirating professing, if I may ask, oh wild woman of my soul?" Oh wild woman of his-- What the-- *breaks down crying*
"Look, let's go get pissed off our asses. No more ques-"
His voice cut her off. "Hold up, one more question."
She groaned. "Yer keeping me away from me rum!"
He chuckled and said, "This is my last question."
"Ask"
"Have you ever done it in a crows nest?" He just barely ducked the rock that came flying at his head.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What did you all think? Did yeh like it? I don't think "No" is a strong enough word in this instance. Please review, or I'll not post anything else. No one review this EVER! Please! I don't care if it hasn't been updated in months. If you review it she might come back! *quivers in fear* Please!!!! I had a lot of fun writing this. IMPORTANT NOTE! If there is anyone who wants to co-write it (preferably someone who is already an author so I can read your stuff and see if it's what I want) please contact me at Loony314@aol.com Please put "your fic" or "Gypsy Queen" in the subject of the e-mail or something like it. Really anything but "enlarge your penis three inches in one week!" will do. Cheers!