Elizabeth "Lizzeh" Aiken
I'm not feeling well. Doing this Sue is the very last thing anyone would need while they were sick. But I did it anyway. I started and I just couldn't stop. It was Train Wreck Syndrome at its finest, because this... this is badfic at its worst.
TITLE: The Girl Who Could Not Discide Who To Love A fan of America's Next Top Model are we?
CULPRIT: Elizabeth Aiken God help us all.
SUMMARY: "A normal everyday maid suddnely has the 3 hottest men in port royal coming after her...what on earth should she do?" She should die. Die. Die. Die. DIE!
BEST LINE: "'Alright mate here's my plan. We're going to Tortuga to round up a crew. We will then go after the Black Pearl, that is rightfully my ship. Then finally I propose my weasily little black heart out to you hoping that you accept my hand in Marraige.' Jack responded. Lizzeh sat there in shock." So did I.
THE VERDICT
This shot is meant for you, Sue.
NAME: Elizabeth "Lizzeh" Aiken
EYES: who knows
HAIR: who cares
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: none
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: She's Will's maid/assistant and has been for the last fifteen years even though we've never heard of her before.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Jack, Will, and Norrington are all in love with her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Starring in the worst. story. ever.
THE "PLOT": Ok. This story? Makes no sense. Each chapter is about two paragraphs long. Not once is it necessary to scroll to read one. There's nothing to understand about the plot because there isn't one outside of everyone loving the Sue. All this in mind, I'm going to outline the events for you anyway.
Sue has to take a sword to Governor Swann's mansion. On the way back she briefly bumps into "Luitennet" Norrington on the street. He falls in love with her. She then runs into to Jack who asks her about the Interceptor and she tells him about it's reputed fastness. Jack then "kisses her out of full love" and asks her name. She returns to the smithy where Will then kisses her. She admits that she has loved him for a long time. She then runs off to the docks where "Commadore" Norrington finds her and asks her to marry him because he has decided that she is "the most wonderful, caring, sweet women [he has] ever met." At this point in my reading of the story I had begun to have a sort of hysterical fit that was part laughter at the sheer absurdity of this story and part horror and indignation at same. After Sue tells Norrington she needs to think over his proposal, she runs into Jack again and he asks her to come with him to get his ship back. Will discovers that Elizabeth has been kidnapped but doesn't care because he's in love with Sue now. He and Norrington have the same exchange from the movie about going after Elizabeth, only this time it's about Sue. Meanwhile, on the Black Pearl Jack proposes to Sue and she goes off to think about whose proposal to accept.
NOTES: Sweet Mother of Eru. Never, in all my years of life, did I imagine that there could exist a story this amazingly bad. The levels of crappiness that it rises to are awe-inspiring. This is the new standard by which all bad fics are judged, I tell you.
It's not bad enough that it's starring a Sue who has replaced Elizabeth and has no plot other than every hot guy in the movie falling in love with her. But the formatting... the spelling... the grammar... All among the worst I have ever seen.
This monstrosity needs to be killed. Dead. With fire. And ice.
There is no commentary on the excerpts because nothing I could ever say could possibly be as funny as this fic is all by itself.
EXCERPT:
Chapter Two, In which Sue abuses elipses, has anachronistic dialogue, and randomly kisses both Jack and Will.
Lizzeh continued down the road. She was thinking back on what had just happened with Luitennet. " Why didnt he answer right away? Why did...he..stare....at...me?' She asked her self. She suddenly stopped in the middle of the street." Oh my god! He likes me. Luitennet Norrington likes me. A maid. This is just like..very weird." she ketp saying to herself as she walked past the docs. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around quickly.
" Yes may I help you?" She asked the man. She looked into the man's eyes and he stared into hers. " Oh yes 'ye can mate " The man answered back. " What is it that you need?" Lizzeh asked the man. " Oh could 'ye tell me the name of that ship over there ?" He asked pointing to the " Interceptor ". " oh thats the Interceptor. Fastest ship in the caribbean." Lizzeh respomded. " Oh why thank 'ye mate" The man said staring back into Lizzeh's eyes." Where are
you from?" Lizzeh asked the man. " Well Im not from here and that is all I'm saying" The man responded. Suddenly the man puts his hand around Lizzeh's waist and pulls her close. He kisses her out of full love. When he pulls apart from Lizzeh, he stares at her. It seemed that Lizzeh enjoyed it. " Whats your name ? " Lizzeh asked. " Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow. And your mate?" Jack asked. " Elizabeth Aiken. Lizzeh for short." Lizzeh responded. " Well it
was a pleasure to meet you captain but now I must be off. " Lizzeh said turning and running away. She turned the corner and stopped. She leaned against a wall. She thought to herself " This day just gets weirder and weirder. " She then continued back to the blacksmith shop. Lizzeh walked into the blacksmith shop still alittle confused with the days events. Will looked up at her. " Everything alright?" He asked her. " Yes. Everything is just fine thanks." Lizzeh responded sitting down. " Arlight if your sure " Will said and went back to working. He then suddenly stopped. He went and sat next to Lizzeh. He looked at her. She looked at him. He leaned forward and kissed her the same way that Captain Jack Sparrowed had kissed her. The two fell apart. " Wow" Lizzeh said. " Um..Will. There is someting I need to tell you." Lizzeh said starting to blush. " What is it?" Will asked. "Ive been in love with you for a very long time now and its just now that Ive brought up the courage to actually tell you." Lizzeh said as her face turned all red. Will didnt say anything. " I shouldn't of told you" Lizzeh said and stormed out of the shop. " Lizzeh wait" Will said. It was to late. Lizzeh was gone.
This final chapter was called: 'Kidnapps, Chases, and Proposals'
" Jack where are we going?" Lizzeh asked. " I just thought now would be the perfect time to commedere a ship and were going to commedere that big pretty boat..ship that you told me about earlier today." Jack repsonded. " Were going to commedere the Interceptor?" Lizzeh asked with the sound of confusion in her voice. " Yes mate are 'ye ears working, we're going to commedere the Intecptor." Jack said. Norrington, meanwhile had finally decided to chase after Lizzeh. Will decided the same. They couldnt find her anywhere. Jack had already pulled her onto the Interceptor and they have set sail. Will in the search for Lizzeh, had also seen the Govenner's daughter, Elizbaeth Swann, being kidnapped by the pirates of the Black Pearl. Though now he has relized that his true love is no longer Ms.Swann, he wanted his heart placed in the hands of Lizzeh. He continued to search and saw no sign of her. The pirates had left with only one captive, Elizabeth Swann. Though Will thought that Lizzeh was Jack's captive so he decided to report him. He walked up to the fort the next morning. " My maid, Elizbaeth Aiken, has been taken away. We need to find her." He said as he arrived at the fort. " We are well aware of that Mr.Turner. Ms. Swann has been tekn as well. We are in search of them both." Norrington said. " Well do have any clue where they might be?" Will asked. " We are trying our best Mr. Turner. Now please leave." Norrington ordered. " You dont understand I love this women and I'd risk my life for her." Will said. Norrington stepped out from behind the table and pulled Will aside. " Listen here Turner. Don't think that your the only one here that cares for her. Now you must go and that's an order." Norrington said and went back to his desk. Will left. He returned to the blacksmith shop, to congure up a plan.
Jack and Lizzeh were well on their to where ever they were going. " Jack, you havent told me where were going."said Lizzeh. " We're going to Tortuga." Jack responded. " Tortuga? And what are we to find there?" Lizzeh asked. " Alright mate here's my plan. We're going to Tortuga to round up a crew. We will then go after the Black Pearl, that is rightfully my ship. Then finally I propose my weasily little black heart out to you hoping that you accept my hand in Marraige." Jack responded. Lizzeh sat there in shock. "Jack, did you just propose to me?" Lizzeh asked. Jack didnt say anything at first. When he finally found the courage he said, "Yes mate and 'ye dont have to answer right away. I mean you can have all the time you want to think about it. Savvy?". " Aye" responded Lizzeh. She got up from where she sat and went to the Captain's Bunk. She sat down on the bed and got lost in her thoughts. " Two proposals. From such fine men. Whom do I chose? Commodore Norrington is bound to the law and might be a little boring. Jack's a pirate and is probably out going. I am so confused." Were the things scrambling around in her mind. She layed down on the bed. She fell asleep. Hopefully by the time she wakes, she will have her choice.
TITLE: The Girl Who Could Not Discide Who To Love A fan of America's Next Top Model are we?
CULPRIT: Elizabeth Aiken God help us all.
SUMMARY: "A normal everyday maid suddnely has the 3 hottest men in port royal coming after her...what on earth should she do?" She should die. Die. Die. Die. DIE!
BEST LINE: "'Alright mate here's my plan. We're going to Tortuga to round up a crew. We will then go after the Black Pearl, that is rightfully my ship. Then finally I propose my weasily little black heart out to you hoping that you accept my hand in Marraige.' Jack responded. Lizzeh sat there in shock." So did I.
THE VERDICT
This shot is meant for you, Sue.
NAME: Elizabeth "Lizzeh" Aiken
EYES: who knows
HAIR: who cares
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: none
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: She's Will's maid/assistant and has been for the last fifteen years even though we've never heard of her before.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Jack, Will, and Norrington are all in love with her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Starring in the worst. story. ever.
THE "PLOT": Ok. This story? Makes no sense. Each chapter is about two paragraphs long. Not once is it necessary to scroll to read one. There's nothing to understand about the plot because there isn't one outside of everyone loving the Sue. All this in mind, I'm going to outline the events for you anyway.
Sue has to take a sword to Governor Swann's mansion. On the way back she briefly bumps into "Luitennet" Norrington on the street. He falls in love with her. She then runs into to Jack who asks her about the Interceptor and she tells him about it's reputed fastness. Jack then "kisses her out of full love" and asks her name. She returns to the smithy where Will then kisses her. She admits that she has loved him for a long time. She then runs off to the docks where "Commadore" Norrington finds her and asks her to marry him because he has decided that she is "the most wonderful, caring, sweet women [he has] ever met." At this point in my reading of the story I had begun to have a sort of hysterical fit that was part laughter at the sheer absurdity of this story and part horror and indignation at same. After Sue tells Norrington she needs to think over his proposal, she runs into Jack again and he asks her to come with him to get his ship back. Will discovers that Elizabeth has been kidnapped but doesn't care because he's in love with Sue now. He and Norrington have the same exchange from the movie about going after Elizabeth, only this time it's about Sue. Meanwhile, on the Black Pearl Jack proposes to Sue and she goes off to think about whose proposal to accept.
NOTES: Sweet Mother of Eru. Never, in all my years of life, did I imagine that there could exist a story this amazingly bad. The levels of crappiness that it rises to are awe-inspiring. This is the new standard by which all bad fics are judged, I tell you.
It's not bad enough that it's starring a Sue who has replaced Elizabeth and has no plot other than every hot guy in the movie falling in love with her. But the formatting... the spelling... the grammar... All among the worst I have ever seen.
This monstrosity needs to be killed. Dead. With fire. And ice.
There is no commentary on the excerpts because nothing I could ever say could possibly be as funny as this fic is all by itself.
EXCERPT:
Chapter Two, In which Sue abuses elipses, has anachronistic dialogue, and randomly kisses both Jack and Will.
Lizzeh continued down the road. She was thinking back on what had just happened with Luitennet. " Why didnt he answer right away? Why did...he..stare....at...me?' She asked her self. She suddenly stopped in the middle of the street." Oh my god! He likes me. Luitennet Norrington likes me. A maid. This is just like..very weird." she ketp saying to herself as she walked past the docs. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around quickly.
" Yes may I help you?" She asked the man. She looked into the man's eyes and he stared into hers. " Oh yes 'ye can mate " The man answered back. " What is it that you need?" Lizzeh asked the man. " Oh could 'ye tell me the name of that ship over there ?" He asked pointing to the " Interceptor ". " oh thats the Interceptor. Fastest ship in the caribbean." Lizzeh respomded. " Oh why thank 'ye mate" The man said staring back into Lizzeh's eyes." Where are
you from?" Lizzeh asked the man. " Well Im not from here and that is all I'm saying" The man responded. Suddenly the man puts his hand around Lizzeh's waist and pulls her close. He kisses her out of full love. When he pulls apart from Lizzeh, he stares at her. It seemed that Lizzeh enjoyed it. " Whats your name ? " Lizzeh asked. " Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow. And your mate?" Jack asked. " Elizabeth Aiken. Lizzeh for short." Lizzeh responded. " Well it
was a pleasure to meet you captain but now I must be off. " Lizzeh said turning and running away. She turned the corner and stopped. She leaned against a wall. She thought to herself " This day just gets weirder and weirder. " She then continued back to the blacksmith shop. Lizzeh walked into the blacksmith shop still alittle confused with the days events. Will looked up at her. " Everything alright?" He asked her. " Yes. Everything is just fine thanks." Lizzeh responded sitting down. " Arlight if your sure " Will said and went back to working. He then suddenly stopped. He went and sat next to Lizzeh. He looked at her. She looked at him. He leaned forward and kissed her the same way that Captain Jack Sparrowed had kissed her. The two fell apart. " Wow" Lizzeh said. " Um..Will. There is someting I need to tell you." Lizzeh said starting to blush. " What is it?" Will asked. "Ive been in love with you for a very long time now and its just now that Ive brought up the courage to actually tell you." Lizzeh said as her face turned all red. Will didnt say anything. " I shouldn't of told you" Lizzeh said and stormed out of the shop. " Lizzeh wait" Will said. It was to late. Lizzeh was gone.
This final chapter was called: 'Kidnapps, Chases, and Proposals'
" Jack where are we going?" Lizzeh asked. " I just thought now would be the perfect time to commedere a ship and were going to commedere that big pretty boat..ship that you told me about earlier today." Jack repsonded. " Were going to commedere the Interceptor?" Lizzeh asked with the sound of confusion in her voice. " Yes mate are 'ye ears working, we're going to commedere the Intecptor." Jack said. Norrington, meanwhile had finally decided to chase after Lizzeh. Will decided the same. They couldnt find her anywhere. Jack had already pulled her onto the Interceptor and they have set sail. Will in the search for Lizzeh, had also seen the Govenner's daughter, Elizbaeth Swann, being kidnapped by the pirates of the Black Pearl. Though now he has relized that his true love is no longer Ms.Swann, he wanted his heart placed in the hands of Lizzeh. He continued to search and saw no sign of her. The pirates had left with only one captive, Elizabeth Swann. Though Will thought that Lizzeh was Jack's captive so he decided to report him. He walked up to the fort the next morning. " My maid, Elizbaeth Aiken, has been taken away. We need to find her." He said as he arrived at the fort. " We are well aware of that Mr.Turner. Ms. Swann has been tekn as well. We are in search of them both." Norrington said. " Well do have any clue where they might be?" Will asked. " We are trying our best Mr. Turner. Now please leave." Norrington ordered. " You dont understand I love this women and I'd risk my life for her." Will said. Norrington stepped out from behind the table and pulled Will aside. " Listen here Turner. Don't think that your the only one here that cares for her. Now you must go and that's an order." Norrington said and went back to his desk. Will left. He returned to the blacksmith shop, to congure up a plan.
Jack and Lizzeh were well on their to where ever they were going. " Jack, you havent told me where were going."said Lizzeh. " We're going to Tortuga." Jack responded. " Tortuga? And what are we to find there?" Lizzeh asked. " Alright mate here's my plan. We're going to Tortuga to round up a crew. We will then go after the Black Pearl, that is rightfully my ship. Then finally I propose my weasily little black heart out to you hoping that you accept my hand in Marraige." Jack responded. Lizzeh sat there in shock. "Jack, did you just propose to me?" Lizzeh asked. Jack didnt say anything at first. When he finally found the courage he said, "Yes mate and 'ye dont have to answer right away. I mean you can have all the time you want to think about it. Savvy?". " Aye" responded Lizzeh. She got up from where she sat and went to the Captain's Bunk. She sat down on the bed and got lost in her thoughts. " Two proposals. From such fine men. Whom do I chose? Commodore Norrington is bound to the law and might be a little boring. Jack's a pirate and is probably out going. I am so confused." Were the things scrambling around in her mind. She layed down on the bed. She fell asleep. Hopefully by the time she wakes, she will have her choice.