Sandra Turner
I feel I've failed you all. I'm so ashamed.
A certain author by the name of Sparrow Quill has a long convoluted series of Sueage... and I just can't report it. It's too much.
The summary from one of the fics:
"This story revolves around a few central characters- namely Meryl Volleys (an ex-prostitute who has a score to settle with Jack) Morgan Land (completely head-over-heels in love with Jack, but also the kidnapped daughter of a powerful aristocrat) Emmaleanna Sparrow (Jack's dark, vengeful younger sister) Aletté Malycho (an adventure-seeking barmaid from Singapore who has eyes for Will Turner) and Amber NiMurrough (a widow at nineteen who was betrayed by Jack and consequently wasted a year of her life waiting for him, a.k.a. she hates his stinking guts). There are, of course, several other characters (Liam, Temeano, the assassin, Anamaria, Elizabeth, to name most of them) and a lot of Jack and Will.
[Blah, blah, blah slash iz lyke sooo icky!] This is also probably the farthest thing from a Mary-Sue you'll ever read (okay, not the farthest, but pretty damn close.)"
Now, do you see? Do you see why I shy away?
So. Many. Sues. *rocks back and forth slowly in the fetal position*
I just felt I had to admit this failing to you all. Because until I completely lose my mind I don't think I'll be able to tackle any of her fics, even though they sorely deserve it.
Now on to a Sue that doesn't cause enough trauma to make me regress.
TITLE: Lost to Sea
CULPRIT: Cassandra Lynn2
SUMMARY: "If the crew of the Pearl were cursed until the pieces of the treasure were returned, how did Bootstrap manage to die? I don't think he did..." Now if only this story were about what the summary makes it seem like it's about instead of being about a Sue.
BEST LINE: "After finding Sandra a few more things in the way of towels, soap, more clothes, and an array of other hygiene products ("Just because we look like dirty, barbarian thieves doesn't mean we ARE, does it, luv?" Jack had told her)" Well, that's news to me.
THE VERDICT
It's time for a keelhauling.
NAME: Sandra Turner *sigh*
EYES: not described
HAIR: "dark tresses hang[ing] temptingly down her back"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A letter from her mother entreating Jack to take care of her.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Her mother died when she was fourteen and Sue had no choice but to become a whore.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Might be Jack's new true love. Is Bootstrap Bill's daughter/Will's sister.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none
THE "PLOT": Sue doesn't like being a whore because none of her customers care about her feelings or something; neither does she like Tortuga. She thinks it's a despicable place even though she's lived there her entire life so it's rather unclear what exactly she could be comparing it to. Sue has discovered a letter from her mother to Jack begging Jack to take Sue onto his ship and take care of her. The Black Pearl is due in soon. Sue hatches a plan to lure Jack upstairs then show him the letter and escape. Her plan goes off and she and Jack run, because, all of a sudden, there are authorities on Tortuga that give a crap whether some random wench runs off with a pirate or not. Sue puts on a baggy shirt, ties her hair back, and, like many Sues, is instantly able to pass for a boy. Jack buys her some clothes and soap and "an array of other hygiene products" from... somewhere. And they head back to the Pearl.
NOTES: If I was writing a character that was supposed to be amazingly beautiful (as all Sues are) I wouldn't want her to be so androgynous that she could pass for a boy just by tying her hair back. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I underestimate Suethors and all the ones writing these androgynous-possibly-hermaphrodite Sues don't actually intend for their characters to be the epitome of feminine beauty.
It could happen.
EXCERPT:
Blah blah blah Sue doesn't want to be a whore blah blah blah ganked movies lines for no reason whatsoever.
Sandra tugged on her most seductive dress. It was tight in all the right places, and daringly low-cut. She let her dark tresses hang temptingly down her back, and applied the cosmetics she usually wore for work. It was well known that Rum River, the Inn where she worked, was a favorite with pirates. She only hoped it was a favorite of Captain Jack Sparrow's. She was dressed with the intention of "seducing" him-of getting him alone in her room. It was the only way she could think of without being too obvious to her employer.the owner of the Inn.
She ran downstairs where the cooks were preparing for the noon meal. Her work was done mostly at night, so during the day hours she helped and worked as a "normal" waitress, bringing food and drink to the customers. She would still cater to her other duties if they were asked of her, but it was rare that a man would at this time of day.
She grabbed a tray of bread and stew, and carried it to the main room, and served until each customer had a bowl, and then served until everyone was full. She didn't mind the little group of people who stopped for lunch in her Tavern, since they were there for lunch, and only lunch. It didn't last long, as they all had to be getting back to their jobs. Shortly, lunch was over, and there was a slow time until supper, when things would really get stirred up. That's when men would be getting off work, and they would be coming here for a bit of whiskey, and they would seek her company.
"The Pearl! It's arrived!" She heard the cook shout from outside. Pirates always brought plenty of coin to spend on drink, and were very sought-after customers.
Sandra darted outside, and, sure enough, she saw the black sails of the infamous pirate ship. The flag of Captain Sparrow fluttered proudly in the ocean wind.
She had seen the captain before, but had never spoken to him. She only hoped he still looked the same, otherwise she had no idea how she would ever find him.
She went back to her room to make sure everything was packed up, and ready to go. She didn't want to hold the crew up by packing. She laid the letter on her end table, and then hurried downstairs where the cook would have a market list for her before supper started.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
When nighttime came in Tortuga, the entire city was transformed. During the day it might be like any other respectable town, but at night, Tortuga was the height of everything a respectable town would deem "unseemly" and "improper". The smell of bad whisky assaulted the nose, and everywhere you looked, there were drunks, whores, and loud music.
And Sandra had hated it her whole life.
She served drinks in the common room, and kept a weather-eye out for the Captain. She had already served some of his crew, and had overheard them mention that he was due to meet them there.
When he finally walked in, she was ready. She walked saucily over to him, and smiled. "Can I get you a drink, Captain?" she said, in her breathiest voice.
"You can get me more than just a drink, luv." He said, and took a step towards her.
"How does a drink in my room sound to you?" She whispered softly in his ear, putting every ounce of seduction she could muster in her voice. If he refused.what would she do then?
"That would be wonderful." He said. She led him up the stairs, and sent the page for drink before ushering Jack inside her room, then secured the door behind her. "Shall we get started, luv, or do you like to take your time about it? Either is fine for me." Jack said smoothly, as he laid his hat on the dresser, and smoothed his moustache.
"Actually, I have something else to discuss with you." She said, a lot more shy now than she had been a few moments ago. The sudden change in tone made Jack turn to really look at this girl-no, this woman-that had brought him to her room. "Years ago you sailed with my father, William Turner. He died when I was young, and my mother couldn't raise me by myself. She wrote this letter, intent on giving it to you as soon as she could. She died before she had a chance though."
She gave Jack a moment to scan through the note. His eyes widened, and he read it again, carefully. "This is very interesting." He mused.
"Captain, you must get me out of here. I can't live another day like this."
"What's your name, luv?" Jack asked gently, after hearing the desperation in her voice. He was completely shocked-Bootstrap had another child!
"Sandra. Sandra Turner."
This girl looked older than Will. Bootstrap had told him in confidence that he had only once child, and that was Will. Did he lie to protect Sandra? Or could it be that he didn't know about her? Pirates in general tended to be a promiscuous bunch, and it was hardly unusual for one to have children without their knowledge, but THIS girl knew who and what her father was, regardless if Bill knew about HER.
"William "Bootstrap" Turner was one of the best pirates in the Caribbean. He was also one of my very best friends. I can not leave you here with an easy heart, knowing you want to leave."
Sandra beamed. He would take her away from here!
"Gather your things-we'll sneak you out the back." She nodded, and grabbed two small packs. The rest of the room was bare-apparently, it was all she had. "Lass, before we leave, I should make it be known that once you board the Pearl, I am your Captain, and you will do your share of the work, savvy? You will be treated as any other man...er...person on board." Jack took note of her hesitation. "Sandra, can you sail under the command of a pirate? Or can you not?"
"I can and will." She answered simply.
A certain author by the name of Sparrow Quill has a long convoluted series of Sueage... and I just can't report it. It's too much.
The summary from one of the fics:
"This story revolves around a few central characters- namely Meryl Volleys (an ex-prostitute who has a score to settle with Jack) Morgan Land (completely head-over-heels in love with Jack, but also the kidnapped daughter of a powerful aristocrat) Emmaleanna Sparrow (Jack's dark, vengeful younger sister) Aletté Malycho (an adventure-seeking barmaid from Singapore who has eyes for Will Turner) and Amber NiMurrough (a widow at nineteen who was betrayed by Jack and consequently wasted a year of her life waiting for him, a.k.a. she hates his stinking guts). There are, of course, several other characters (Liam, Temeano, the assassin, Anamaria, Elizabeth, to name most of them) and a lot of Jack and Will.
[Blah, blah, blah slash iz lyke sooo icky!] This is also probably the farthest thing from a Mary-Sue you'll ever read (okay, not the farthest, but pretty damn close.)"
Now, do you see? Do you see why I shy away?
So. Many. Sues. *rocks back and forth slowly in the fetal position*
I just felt I had to admit this failing to you all. Because until I completely lose my mind I don't think I'll be able to tackle any of her fics, even though they sorely deserve it.
Now on to a Sue that doesn't cause enough trauma to make me regress.
TITLE: Lost to Sea
CULPRIT: Cassandra Lynn2
SUMMARY: "If the crew of the Pearl were cursed until the pieces of the treasure were returned, how did Bootstrap manage to die? I don't think he did..." Now if only this story were about what the summary makes it seem like it's about instead of being about a Sue.
BEST LINE: "After finding Sandra a few more things in the way of towels, soap, more clothes, and an array of other hygiene products ("Just because we look like dirty, barbarian thieves doesn't mean we ARE, does it, luv?" Jack had told her)" Well, that's news to me.
THE VERDICT
It's time for a keelhauling.
NAME: Sandra Turner *sigh*
EYES: not described
HAIR: "dark tresses hang[ing] temptingly down her back"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A letter from her mother entreating Jack to take care of her.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Her mother died when she was fourteen and Sue had no choice but to become a whore.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Might be Jack's new true love. Is Bootstrap Bill's daughter/Will's sister.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: none
THE "PLOT": Sue doesn't like being a whore because none of her customers care about her feelings or something; neither does she like Tortuga. She thinks it's a despicable place even though she's lived there her entire life so it's rather unclear what exactly she could be comparing it to. Sue has discovered a letter from her mother to Jack begging Jack to take Sue onto his ship and take care of her. The Black Pearl is due in soon. Sue hatches a plan to lure Jack upstairs then show him the letter and escape. Her plan goes off and she and Jack run, because, all of a sudden, there are authorities on Tortuga that give a crap whether some random wench runs off with a pirate or not. Sue puts on a baggy shirt, ties her hair back, and, like many Sues, is instantly able to pass for a boy. Jack buys her some clothes and soap and "an array of other hygiene products" from... somewhere. And they head back to the Pearl.
NOTES: If I was writing a character that was supposed to be amazingly beautiful (as all Sues are) I wouldn't want her to be so androgynous that she could pass for a boy just by tying her hair back. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I underestimate Suethors and all the ones writing these androgynous-possibly-hermaphrodite Sues don't actually intend for their characters to be the epitome of feminine beauty.
It could happen.
EXCERPT:
Blah blah blah Sue doesn't want to be a whore blah blah blah ganked movies lines for no reason whatsoever.
Sandra tugged on her most seductive dress. It was tight in all the right places, and daringly low-cut. She let her dark tresses hang temptingly down her back, and applied the cosmetics she usually wore for work. It was well known that Rum River, the Inn where she worked, was a favorite with pirates. She only hoped it was a favorite of Captain Jack Sparrow's. She was dressed with the intention of "seducing" him-of getting him alone in her room. It was the only way she could think of without being too obvious to her employer.the owner of the Inn.
She ran downstairs where the cooks were preparing for the noon meal. Her work was done mostly at night, so during the day hours she helped and worked as a "normal" waitress, bringing food and drink to the customers. She would still cater to her other duties if they were asked of her, but it was rare that a man would at this time of day.
She grabbed a tray of bread and stew, and carried it to the main room, and served until each customer had a bowl, and then served until everyone was full. She didn't mind the little group of people who stopped for lunch in her Tavern, since they were there for lunch, and only lunch. It didn't last long, as they all had to be getting back to their jobs. Shortly, lunch was over, and there was a slow time until supper, when things would really get stirred up. That's when men would be getting off work, and they would be coming here for a bit of whiskey, and they would seek her company.
"The Pearl! It's arrived!" She heard the cook shout from outside. Pirates always brought plenty of coin to spend on drink, and were very sought-after customers.
Sandra darted outside, and, sure enough, she saw the black sails of the infamous pirate ship. The flag of Captain Sparrow fluttered proudly in the ocean wind.
She had seen the captain before, but had never spoken to him. She only hoped he still looked the same, otherwise she had no idea how she would ever find him.
She went back to her room to make sure everything was packed up, and ready to go. She didn't want to hold the crew up by packing. She laid the letter on her end table, and then hurried downstairs where the cook would have a market list for her before supper started.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
When nighttime came in Tortuga, the entire city was transformed. During the day it might be like any other respectable town, but at night, Tortuga was the height of everything a respectable town would deem "unseemly" and "improper". The smell of bad whisky assaulted the nose, and everywhere you looked, there were drunks, whores, and loud music.
And Sandra had hated it her whole life.
She served drinks in the common room, and kept a weather-eye out for the Captain. She had already served some of his crew, and had overheard them mention that he was due to meet them there.
When he finally walked in, she was ready. She walked saucily over to him, and smiled. "Can I get you a drink, Captain?" she said, in her breathiest voice.
"You can get me more than just a drink, luv." He said, and took a step towards her.
"How does a drink in my room sound to you?" She whispered softly in his ear, putting every ounce of seduction she could muster in her voice. If he refused.what would she do then?
"That would be wonderful." He said. She led him up the stairs, and sent the page for drink before ushering Jack inside her room, then secured the door behind her. "Shall we get started, luv, or do you like to take your time about it? Either is fine for me." Jack said smoothly, as he laid his hat on the dresser, and smoothed his moustache.
"Actually, I have something else to discuss with you." She said, a lot more shy now than she had been a few moments ago. The sudden change in tone made Jack turn to really look at this girl-no, this woman-that had brought him to her room. "Years ago you sailed with my father, William Turner. He died when I was young, and my mother couldn't raise me by myself. She wrote this letter, intent on giving it to you as soon as she could. She died before she had a chance though."
She gave Jack a moment to scan through the note. His eyes widened, and he read it again, carefully. "This is very interesting." He mused.
"Captain, you must get me out of here. I can't live another day like this."
"What's your name, luv?" Jack asked gently, after hearing the desperation in her voice. He was completely shocked-Bootstrap had another child!
"Sandra. Sandra Turner."
This girl looked older than Will. Bootstrap had told him in confidence that he had only once child, and that was Will. Did he lie to protect Sandra? Or could it be that he didn't know about her? Pirates in general tended to be a promiscuous bunch, and it was hardly unusual for one to have children without their knowledge, but THIS girl knew who and what her father was, regardless if Bill knew about HER.
"William "Bootstrap" Turner was one of the best pirates in the Caribbean. He was also one of my very best friends. I can not leave you here with an easy heart, knowing you want to leave."
Sandra beamed. He would take her away from here!
"Gather your things-we'll sneak you out the back." She nodded, and grabbed two small packs. The rest of the room was bare-apparently, it was all she had. "Lass, before we leave, I should make it be known that once you board the Pearl, I am your Captain, and you will do your share of the work, savvy? You will be treated as any other man...er...person on board." Jack took note of her hesitation. "Sandra, can you sail under the command of a pirate? Or can you not?"
"I can and will." She answered simply.