Sitdown Comedy II
So, anyways... Two Jews walk into a bar and no one pays for shit.. An Irishman walks out of the bar.. What the fuck?!? A man walks into a bar and dies of a massive cranial hemmhorage. He should have ducked. Speaking of duck, have you ever had any good Chinese food? Dog Fried Rice is divine.. General Tso's Housecat will make you cream your jeans. My pants are always falling down. I lose so much weight. I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me with your belief in strange dianetic realities? I stopped taking my psych meds weeks ago. I'm a friggin amog scientologist! I'm clap you on the back, long and fucking hard, just like that overgrown midget Tom Cruise. He lost Katie Holmes. That spaced out baby mama is fucking AVAILABLE! She wants to go back to her Catholic roots? Well, she can suck my Catholic root all she wants. Hey there. Sorry to be brisk, but, I'm the second coming of Christ, you're Mary Magdalene, I need a blowjob right now! I'll explain it all later, Honey.. Speaking of honey, I once had a beautiful latina porn store employee on my futon in my bedroom at my dad's old house in Miami Gardens. I picked her up over in the Love Boutique on Miami Beach.. I walked in there late at night went up to the hottest bitch in the room and asked her, "Do you know where I can get any free condoms at this hour?" She said "No, but I can sell you one of these for ninety nine cents." So, I buy the condom and go back upstairs to my car in the upstairs parking lot. Then I come back into the store with my guitar and spend the rest of the night hanging out in the store jamming for all the hot girls that work there and when I left they gave me a huge bag of free condoms to take home with me. That's what I'm talking about! I don't know how much sex these ladies of the night seemed to think I was having but apparently I looked like the kind of man who gets a lot of ladies. I used to have lots of ladies. When I was spaced out, wasting away in Gainesville in 2004, I had 3 or 4 beautiful girls who were willing to answer phone calls from me any time 24/7 and take dictation for me because I was channeling god and coming up with brilliant flows of words and was way too fucked up to hold a pen or operate a cell phone. Speaking of cell phones, isn't that the greatest and worst invention of all fucking time? Think about it. The cell phone allows crazy people to walk down the sidewalk or street muttering or shouting at the top of their smoke damaged lungs the most vile vicious and otherwise insane babble you ever heard. "YOU FUCKING BITCH I WILL CUT YOUR DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT!" Is that man crazy? No, wait... he has a cellphone held to his ear. He must be talking to his ex or something. What a cunt! Also, remember back in the eighties and nineties when you called someone on the phone and they weren't there you were just shit out of luck. "Hi, is Klaus there?" "No?" "Okay.. well... if you see him, tell him I called." Nowadays people are always connected. Their phone is within reach of their fat grabby American hands 24 hours a day. Yet, when I call people on the phone they never answer. What are they doing that is so important? They can't be always having sex or taking a shit when I call. People just fucking hate me. And they make me listen to like the full four fucking rings too. Like, instead of doing the polite thing and sending me straight to voicemail, they make me waste moments of my precious time listening to the phone ring or, even worse, some lame-ass ringback tone. Why? Are they seriously holding their phone, staring at it, contemplating whether or not to answer? On no! Budda Holly is calling... He'll talk my fucking ear off! I do, too! Telemarketers call me and I keep them on the phone for days. I am the greatest phone sex operator of all time. I have unlimited minutes and unlimited texts and I'd love to hear from you. I'm on T-mobile and have been since 2008. I think I owe them $4000 dollars but I stay with them for one reason, customer service. Cause when it comes to plain old "service," things can get pretty dire. I can't even get a signal in half the places I go. When I do get a signal, though, I call people up and ask them strange questions. What's the mammal with the smallest penis that hangs down? Marmoset. What's the mammal with the largest penis that hangs up? CLICK!