thoughts on self-imposed insomnia
if sleep is ritual then i'm fighting it because you were the sacred artifact that led me into the other world night after night
and if it's a chore it's because i can hardly take care of bureaucracy on my own without having panic attacks and frustrations - how much really can i rely on others to mitigate this civilization in which I cannot function - everyone else can - and if I can't, maybe I should spend more time trying to bring it down than to have someone be my proxy, doing the mitigation and dirty work for me. Better to not have any dirty work at all.
I used to have teddy bears. and cats that would sleep with me [not just to get food]. I used to have shelters and imaginary places. and now i just have the cold hard reality of a sleep that needs to be taken like a dosage rather than a passing grace.
and if it's a chore it's because i can hardly take care of bureaucracy on my own without having panic attacks and frustrations - how much really can i rely on others to mitigate this civilization in which I cannot function - everyone else can - and if I can't, maybe I should spend more time trying to bring it down than to have someone be my proxy, doing the mitigation and dirty work for me. Better to not have any dirty work at all.
I used to have teddy bears. and cats that would sleep with me [not just to get food]. I used to have shelters and imaginary places. and now i just have the cold hard reality of a sleep that needs to be taken like a dosage rather than a passing grace.