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It's been one of those periods in my life where I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster. I don't like Rollar coaster....not any more. *heehee* One minute I'm feeling happy, positive, in control and strong. Next day I can't be bothered to face it, I don't feel strong enough, like i don't have the capacity to deal with it all. I am noramally like this,
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I don't expect 'people' to help me, i never have done. Just someone to listen...I've gone through about a dozen doctors in the last 12 years or so, and however much i said i needed counselling, i was just told i was clinically depressed and that wouldn't help, or necessary, or there isn't the funding...I have been coping with depression (medicated) since i was about 12.
When women moan about things, they are not looking for answers, they are looking for empathy. I don't think anyone apart from me can solve my problem for me. I am quite capable to make steps to save myself.
So I do not see myself as some tragic artist who need everyone to think she is slitting her wrists, or drinking red wine from the bottle, writing bad poetry painting crap copies of work I did years ago fainig talent and loving the 'label' of being a depressive....I do not see myself as wanting attention, in fact the total opposite is true...
I DO NOT being like this, it is the most frustrating aspect to my life. And if you think i do, which you seem to. Then you really don't know me at all. I DO NOT 'want' to be a tragic victim. And not having many friends around me to worry about whether i am in the 'starring role' or not. I do not desire the starring role, things i do are not for effect. And there is no '....oh well it would be sub-concious..' No. This was my sanctury where i can spout it all, get it all off my chest, get them into the air, without fear of ridicule. If it wasn't for here, i think i would have ended up a lot lower than i am now. I never worry about getting wording wrong, because i idiotically thought people would ask me if 'that' is what i meant...
Someone once said presumtion is the mother of all fuck ups.....good old terry prachett :)
All i was saying is that its hard adjusting your mind from thinking nothing but crap/negative thoughts about yourself.... getting the echos of your past out of your head...you know, those habits of a lifetime...Most people have at least one person who was nothing but positive/caring/encouraging/praising to you most of your life. I have NEVER had that. I'm not asking for a hug, or a pat on the head, i am mearly trying to explain. Having never spoken to anyone about the deepest issues of my head, its hard making youself vunerable, for the first time. Throws me all over the place. When those walls have been firm for 20 years or so...Team that with being clinically depressed and having ADD...doesn't add up to change working well.
I'm sorry if i'm coming across as pissed off, but I'm getting pissed off with being mis-interepted. Without question. Always focusing on what the negative could be. Which i seem to be the queen of in the last few posts...(not mad, just pissed)
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