(no subject)
It's been one of those periods in my life where I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster. I don't like Rollar coaster....not any more. *heehee* One minute I'm feeling happy, positive, in control and strong. Next day I can't be bothered to face it, I don't feel strong enough, like i don't have the capacity to deal with it all. I am noramally like this, but it doesn't often cycle this quickly. I'm sure it has something to do with the start of the process I'm guessing.
I'm feeling pretty vunerable i guess too. Although i talk about all my issues and problems on here, doesn't mean i talk to 'real life' people.
dispel is the only person that knows that i am truely a nutter...*heehee* And actually sitting down and talking to a professional is an eyeopener. I don't feel like I'm going mad now, i don't feel like I'm betraying my mother by feeling the way i do, and talking about everything. It's pretty hard to adjust to. It's like everything I've ever known has just evaporated and I'm left with a little note saying 'you were right after all'
The only way i can describe what it feels like is like this:
Imagine that you are in a huge crowded place. And you've hurt youself. You know you've hurt yourself, and that you need someone to understand, listen, help. You're running around, tapping everyone on the shoulder looking for the answer. And everyone ignores you. You're running around and around and around. Screaming, no one listens. Then one day, when you are on your knees, your wound is getting worse and worse. Someone offers you a hand and some antibiotics. The relief is overwhelming, you start taking the tablets, almost eurphoric, you think this is the cure, that it will all be sorted soon, dilerious with hope, but very slowly you start getting better. The wound has been festering for too long, and you are so used to feeling like shit. Like half of you is scared of what is going to be found.
I'm not sure if that is a good enough description, but that's how it feels. It's like everything i thought about myself has to be re-thought, re-analysed. Its like learning to live. Just got to keep my eye on the prize. like you've all said, just keep on going.
I'm feeling pretty vunerable i guess too. Although i talk about all my issues and problems on here, doesn't mean i talk to 'real life' people.
dispel is the only person that knows that i am truely a nutter...*heehee* And actually sitting down and talking to a professional is an eyeopener. I don't feel like I'm going mad now, i don't feel like I'm betraying my mother by feeling the way i do, and talking about everything. It's pretty hard to adjust to. It's like everything I've ever known has just evaporated and I'm left with a little note saying 'you were right after all'
The only way i can describe what it feels like is like this:
Imagine that you are in a huge crowded place. And you've hurt youself. You know you've hurt yourself, and that you need someone to understand, listen, help. You're running around, tapping everyone on the shoulder looking for the answer. And everyone ignores you. You're running around and around and around. Screaming, no one listens. Then one day, when you are on your knees, your wound is getting worse and worse. Someone offers you a hand and some antibiotics. The relief is overwhelming, you start taking the tablets, almost eurphoric, you think this is the cure, that it will all be sorted soon, dilerious with hope, but very slowly you start getting better. The wound has been festering for too long, and you are so used to feeling like shit. Like half of you is scared of what is going to be found.
I'm not sure if that is a good enough description, but that's how it feels. It's like everything i thought about myself has to be re-thought, re-analysed. Its like learning to live. Just got to keep my eye on the prize. like you've all said, just keep on going.