Um. Hi.
It's been about two years since I posted in this journal. It's been an amazing two years. I stopped drinking altogether, for keeps, on New Years Day 2009. I've gone through a big ol' healing process. I'm not so angry anymore. I was pretty shocked to see how angry I used to be. I'm not that angry anymore. Men are alright, they just have desires and needs like everyone, and sometimes those don't work with my desires and needs, and so I don't waste time with those fella's. But they are perfect whole and complete, and so am I.
I still have Cranky and Plucky. I stopped wrapping up my feelings of self worth in them. They sat in my yard for about 2 years rusting away. Now they're being stored in a warehouse and a production company rents them out for parties, and I don't have to deal with negotiations, usually. I was never very good at it, because my emotions were all wrapped up in it. I'm learning now though.
I'm 28 now. Not so old. Not so young anymore either. Saturn's return has been a doozy. Walking through the abyss on a daily basis, it feels like. When facing the demon of the abyss, sometimes I die(metaphor for change) easily, but sometimes I struggle, and that's when the insanity hits for a while, and then I give in and let myself be healed through ego death. Fearlessness feels good.
Vic was my last boyfriend. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since him. This is a good thing. I was very mean. I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm not emotionally abusive anymore. I'm not emotionally violent. I used to be. I admit that, because it's true. And I'm sorry for it. I was a terror.
I'm still self-centered. I notice everyday the way that I forget to ask others about their lives, and how I bring the subject back around to me. It's difficult to catch myself, but I'm working on it. It's a daily practice. I've gotten better at conversing, because I've gotten better at asking questions. I'm grateful to the people in my life who had the patience to teach me how to ask questions.
I'm grateful for everything I have now. I've lived in the same amazing house for two and a half years. My friends are amazing, and I love watching our relationships grow and change. I've been looking for what I can put into the world, instead of what I can take from it. Changing the flow of energy. It's a spiritual thing. I regret not knowing how for some long. But I'm grateful that I finally got the lesson.
My heart is full of love. Thank you! xo
I still have Cranky and Plucky. I stopped wrapping up my feelings of self worth in them. They sat in my yard for about 2 years rusting away. Now they're being stored in a warehouse and a production company rents them out for parties, and I don't have to deal with negotiations, usually. I was never very good at it, because my emotions were all wrapped up in it. I'm learning now though.
I'm 28 now. Not so old. Not so young anymore either. Saturn's return has been a doozy. Walking through the abyss on a daily basis, it feels like. When facing the demon of the abyss, sometimes I die(metaphor for change) easily, but sometimes I struggle, and that's when the insanity hits for a while, and then I give in and let myself be healed through ego death. Fearlessness feels good.
Vic was my last boyfriend. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since him. This is a good thing. I was very mean. I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm not emotionally abusive anymore. I'm not emotionally violent. I used to be. I admit that, because it's true. And I'm sorry for it. I was a terror.
I'm still self-centered. I notice everyday the way that I forget to ask others about their lives, and how I bring the subject back around to me. It's difficult to catch myself, but I'm working on it. It's a daily practice. I've gotten better at conversing, because I've gotten better at asking questions. I'm grateful to the people in my life who had the patience to teach me how to ask questions.
I'm grateful for everything I have now. I've lived in the same amazing house for two and a half years. My friends are amazing, and I love watching our relationships grow and change. I've been looking for what I can put into the world, instead of what I can take from it. Changing the flow of energy. It's a spiritual thing. I regret not knowing how for some long. But I'm grateful that I finally got the lesson.
My heart is full of love. Thank you! xo