"My Last Concern"
11:30pm
Lately, I've been thinking a lot. Not about myself, but about the things around me, the people, the choices, the surroundings. I've been down on my luck lately, perhaps with school, but it leads to a whole different other side than that. I want to be able to figure things out without questioning or wondering why things are the way things are.
Now I've seen a whole different side of people and notice many odds that I have not witnessed before. Analyzing and coming to conclusion of what I've seen over the years is that our life is short, and we tend to do a lot of stupid shit that can shorten the length of even that. I may sound a bit rash but people squander away their lives by being depressed, lock themselves away from others because of shamefulness or doubt.
I can understand the fact that it's hard when you're either not popular, social, carry out potentially attractive looks, or just sensible in general. For many people it's hard and life is a struggle, but what I give is only this: "Life is partial, so be apart of it." There's no other way to think it through, because as easy it may sound, we are born with a reason to live, never a reason to die, even if you're a threat to the world.
You have a purpose, even if it's that. Some people may disagree with me, or that my reasons are without logic and thinking, but I know what I say and mean it. I just add this because I am really tired of being that person who I characterize as not popular, attractive, or intelligent. I don't have close friends, just people I know, or am associated with. I don't find myself as attractive as others would say about me, I don't care either for that matter. I know I have sense in what my thoughts represent, but I never take the time to understand what I know and use it.
My only problem with all of this is being the victim, it's what I don't want. Putting myself in that position, I know, won't help anything or solve a problem. It will only make things worse, and I've experienced with it that it does.
Being down all the time can have 'ups' and 'downs', for me at least. When feel extra low, I may be okay to the point where it makes me a stronger person every time I get over the feeling. Or one day I may feel extra low where nothing in this world matters to me anymore, not my family, my friends, my damn self, and that's where you get the question. What will I do next? I want to help others as they have helped me, I want to be able to make a change and be apart of life as I was saying.
Of course, I am only human and can do so much but should try at least. Figuring what I want to do in life, being the mindful innocence that my mom raised me to be, I have no better option than to choose my own path.
I'm always stuck in this path, where I cannot get over it. Maybe for my future I will see something different, but for now I always feel I get stuck with this feeling. Love, the deep, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward an individual. Over the years now, growing up into what I am now as a man, from a boy to a teenager to a man, I can honestly say that I haven't encountered a feeling like this ever.
It's wonderful at times, but then awful and depressing at events. No one can help but myself, no one will help but myself. If I keep it up any longer, my depression will fade and so will I. This is something I feel will be the best of things in the future, maybe it still isn't considered love from where I'm at, I just know that no other feeling can take this away from me, and I've found it, I kept it.
Now for letting go, will be one of the hardest things to ever do, even at my age is still seems hard. I'm not sure of the repercussions that my emotions will throw at me from making this decision. But if life is about living, and depression leads to dying, it would be great to be apart of something partial, to make it whole.
I'm doing that very thing, keeping my lines open my wrists closed, and my mind awake, listening for whatever is out there. Knowledge is power, and power is in me, I may not have someone to love, but I do love someone, no matter the lengths the traps, the puzzles, the relation, I can't fall back on something like this, not now.
Without the love for something I don't think you've lived at all, you can be living in a world without knowing love and survive, but you've only lived apart of it. In love with a girl, may not be the most important thing in life, creation is, and so with faith and love for someone, what's the worst for that connection?
My life is a step away, I'm going to do what I'm doing and continue to fill in. There's no way how low I feel that this will set in and ruin what I got, I may not have you, but I have you in my heart...truly.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot. Not about myself, but about the things around me, the people, the choices, the surroundings. I've been down on my luck lately, perhaps with school, but it leads to a whole different other side than that. I want to be able to figure things out without questioning or wondering why things are the way things are.
Now I've seen a whole different side of people and notice many odds that I have not witnessed before. Analyzing and coming to conclusion of what I've seen over the years is that our life is short, and we tend to do a lot of stupid shit that can shorten the length of even that. I may sound a bit rash but people squander away their lives by being depressed, lock themselves away from others because of shamefulness or doubt.
I can understand the fact that it's hard when you're either not popular, social, carry out potentially attractive looks, or just sensible in general. For many people it's hard and life is a struggle, but what I give is only this: "Life is partial, so be apart of it." There's no other way to think it through, because as easy it may sound, we are born with a reason to live, never a reason to die, even if you're a threat to the world.
You have a purpose, even if it's that. Some people may disagree with me, or that my reasons are without logic and thinking, but I know what I say and mean it. I just add this because I am really tired of being that person who I characterize as not popular, attractive, or intelligent. I don't have close friends, just people I know, or am associated with. I don't find myself as attractive as others would say about me, I don't care either for that matter. I know I have sense in what my thoughts represent, but I never take the time to understand what I know and use it.
My only problem with all of this is being the victim, it's what I don't want. Putting myself in that position, I know, won't help anything or solve a problem. It will only make things worse, and I've experienced with it that it does.
Being down all the time can have 'ups' and 'downs', for me at least. When feel extra low, I may be okay to the point where it makes me a stronger person every time I get over the feeling. Or one day I may feel extra low where nothing in this world matters to me anymore, not my family, my friends, my damn self, and that's where you get the question. What will I do next? I want to help others as they have helped me, I want to be able to make a change and be apart of life as I was saying.
Of course, I am only human and can do so much but should try at least. Figuring what I want to do in life, being the mindful innocence that my mom raised me to be, I have no better option than to choose my own path.
I'm always stuck in this path, where I cannot get over it. Maybe for my future I will see something different, but for now I always feel I get stuck with this feeling. Love, the deep, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward an individual. Over the years now, growing up into what I am now as a man, from a boy to a teenager to a man, I can honestly say that I haven't encountered a feeling like this ever.
It's wonderful at times, but then awful and depressing at events. No one can help but myself, no one will help but myself. If I keep it up any longer, my depression will fade and so will I. This is something I feel will be the best of things in the future, maybe it still isn't considered love from where I'm at, I just know that no other feeling can take this away from me, and I've found it, I kept it.
Now for letting go, will be one of the hardest things to ever do, even at my age is still seems hard. I'm not sure of the repercussions that my emotions will throw at me from making this decision. But if life is about living, and depression leads to dying, it would be great to be apart of something partial, to make it whole.
I'm doing that very thing, keeping my lines open my wrists closed, and my mind awake, listening for whatever is out there. Knowledge is power, and power is in me, I may not have someone to love, but I do love someone, no matter the lengths the traps, the puzzles, the relation, I can't fall back on something like this, not now.
Without the love for something I don't think you've lived at all, you can be living in a world without knowing love and survive, but you've only lived apart of it. In love with a girl, may not be the most important thing in life, creation is, and so with faith and love for someone, what's the worst for that connection?
My life is a step away, I'm going to do what I'm doing and continue to fill in. There's no way how low I feel that this will set in and ruin what I got, I may not have you, but I have you in my heart...truly.