(no subject)
maaaan.... i really don't want to come on here just to complain but im like emotionally fucked or something.
i don't get it. well really, i do. it just sucks. ive been sick for so long, you know behavioral habits and shit. trying to break free but its haaard.
its not as if i really have anything to whine about. that's the problem. there are no problems so im creating them in my head and swimming around in em and being conscious of my insanity makes it even worse because then the anxiety of attempting to prevent my delusion from slipping out into my external life eats me alive.
i only kinda want you to know im crazy because at least then you'll be warned for when i really do just let it all go and then ill have my proof that you never wanted to be with me in the first place.
naaaaw im being melodramatic. i mean yeah i feel this way sporatically throughout the day but these fears are perversions. i get off on them the same way i get off on fantasizing about shoving a bunch of drugs up my nose. succumbing is totally out of the question. the more practice i get in turning it all over, the fewer and further between these sick little thoughts occur.
yeah yeah yeah
being human is soooo weird. sometimes all my other thinking will just stop and it will really soak in. im alive. i talk. i walk. i think. i feel. and i wonder if any of it really accomplishs anything and then i think it doesn't have to and that i'll im really doing is moving from one moment or place to the next. the next indicated action and thats okay. i exist and its okay but it mostly creeps me out.
i don't get it. well really, i do. it just sucks. ive been sick for so long, you know behavioral habits and shit. trying to break free but its haaard.
its not as if i really have anything to whine about. that's the problem. there are no problems so im creating them in my head and swimming around in em and being conscious of my insanity makes it even worse because then the anxiety of attempting to prevent my delusion from slipping out into my external life eats me alive.
i only kinda want you to know im crazy because at least then you'll be warned for when i really do just let it all go and then ill have my proof that you never wanted to be with me in the first place.
naaaaw im being melodramatic. i mean yeah i feel this way sporatically throughout the day but these fears are perversions. i get off on them the same way i get off on fantasizing about shoving a bunch of drugs up my nose. succumbing is totally out of the question. the more practice i get in turning it all over, the fewer and further between these sick little thoughts occur.
yeah yeah yeah
being human is soooo weird. sometimes all my other thinking will just stop and it will really soak in. im alive. i talk. i walk. i think. i feel. and i wonder if any of it really accomplishs anything and then i think it doesn't have to and that i'll im really doing is moving from one moment or place to the next. the next indicated action and thats okay. i exist and its okay but it mostly creeps me out.