(no subject)
so i had an privately emotional week. im a lot better now, but for some reason i would get depressed as soon as i wasnt around people anymore, sometimes crying uncontrollably. perhaps when i left or they left i would tell myself "ok theyre gone, now im alone" in my head and it would echo the way those similar words did when i broke up with nicole. anytime it occurs to me how alone i am i start crying, like right now. ill stop writing and come back in a sec.
that was wierd. i thought i was done with that shit. the first couple days of the week were the worst. i thought i was manic depressive, even though i dont really know how that condition works. the name just seemed to fit the situation. i think subconciously i'm realizing something that has yet to hit me conciously; that i literally am more alone than i've ever been in my life, and now more than ever i have to depend on myself. all through highschool i had a million friends that i could hang out with at any time. my first couple years of college i had only a few of those friends left and only a few new friends at school, but i had nicole, and i knew she loved me and i knew i could depend on her for anything. now im single, and the only people i know will be there for me are sister, and my parents. sometimes i get really emotional over how much i appreciate them now. i used to wish them dead. now i'm starting to realize all the tools for living they gave me in the way they raised me, all the advantages i have because of them, and how much more intelligent and easygoing they are than i ever gave them credit for. i was a tough kid to understand.
there are things i need to work on. i have no idea how to act around girls with whom i want to get physical with. for the past two years i haven't attempted anything with anyone except nicole. before her i was in HIGHSCHOOL. where dudes grab the asses of girls they dont even know, and pass notes to ask if someone likes you, and everyone giggles and hides thier faces in thier hands. that was the last time i was single. i still think punk rock chicks are the cutest. im screwed.
what little advice ive gotten, ive always known, deep down, and allways feared; you have to be a man about it, you have to be an asshole, you have to decide what you want and take it. oh great.
that was wierd. i thought i was done with that shit. the first couple days of the week were the worst. i thought i was manic depressive, even though i dont really know how that condition works. the name just seemed to fit the situation. i think subconciously i'm realizing something that has yet to hit me conciously; that i literally am more alone than i've ever been in my life, and now more than ever i have to depend on myself. all through highschool i had a million friends that i could hang out with at any time. my first couple years of college i had only a few of those friends left and only a few new friends at school, but i had nicole, and i knew she loved me and i knew i could depend on her for anything. now im single, and the only people i know will be there for me are sister, and my parents. sometimes i get really emotional over how much i appreciate them now. i used to wish them dead. now i'm starting to realize all the tools for living they gave me in the way they raised me, all the advantages i have because of them, and how much more intelligent and easygoing they are than i ever gave them credit for. i was a tough kid to understand.
there are things i need to work on. i have no idea how to act around girls with whom i want to get physical with. for the past two years i haven't attempted anything with anyone except nicole. before her i was in HIGHSCHOOL. where dudes grab the asses of girls they dont even know, and pass notes to ask if someone likes you, and everyone giggles and hides thier faces in thier hands. that was the last time i was single. i still think punk rock chicks are the cutest. im screwed.
what little advice ive gotten, ive always known, deep down, and allways feared; you have to be a man about it, you have to be an asshole, you have to decide what you want and take it. oh great.