LJ Idol Week 2, in which a sour note strikes a sweet tooth
Ladies and gentlemen, a travesty has befallen us. It is small, green, booger-like, and in every sense of the word, a bad apple.
Consider the noble lime Skittle, beloved staple of many a childhood diet. Now, consider it gone. Too terrible a fate to imagine? Perhaps! But tragically, this is the reality we must now face. It is with a heavy heart that I announce to the world that this delightful splash of sweet green deliciousness has been replaced by a villainous imposter, a ne’er do well wannabe Skittle that brings its sour, disagreeable nature into the formerly harmonious world of Original Flavor Skittles.
[Red bag of "Original Flavor" Skittles]
[Red bag of "Original Flavor" Skittles, NOW WITH GREEN APPLE! What is this fuckery?!]
As one who has experienced this unceremonious assault on her tastebuds personally and quite unexpectedly, I can vouch first hand for its undeniable ickiness. It's not that sour apple is an inherently barfy flavor, but throwing sour apple Skittles into the original mix works about as well as booking *NSYNC as the opening act for a Metallica concert, or prefacing a Disney movie with the theatrical trailer for Debbie Does Dallas. Except not even Debbie would do this new Skittle mashup, so vile is the flavor combination! Some things are simply not meant to be done. Or consumed.
So what, then, became of the lime green Skittle? Did it simply cease to be? Was it obliterated from the earth? Was it zapped into a mysterious shadow realm? Actually, yes.
[Blue bag of "Darkside" Skittles, featuring the trademark rainbow and appearing quite festive]
Mmmmm, taste the rainbow of ridiculous advertising gimmicks, kiddies! ("Dark side of the Rainbow"? Really? So if I eat these backwards while watching the Wizard of Oz, will I get a hidden message or something?)
[Close-up of "Darkside" Skittle flavors]
Dark side, indeed, for only the darkest powers could be responsible for such a devious act as kidnapping and repurposing our treasured lime candies. Or...one would think. Please note, however, that there is nothing remotely dark about any of these Skittles. “Blood Orange” is downright sunny and cheerful. “Forbidden Fruit” is no more pigmentally overloaded than a garden variety Grape Skittle with no known attachments to Lord Voldemort, Darth Vader, or any other reasonably well respected paragon of darkness. “Dark Berry” calls to mind a popular shade of Bonne Bell Lipsmackers (behold the sinister power of a pre-teen’s makeup bag!), “Pomegranate” is about as foreboding as a carefree romp through a tulip field on a warm spring day, and “Midnight Lime”, the supposed star of the fruity shadow realm, is practically phosphorescent in its chirpy vibrant hue!
These are not Dark Skittles! These are not even slightly shady or somewhat shadowy Skittles. These are wannabe gothling poseur Skittles, Twilight fangirl Skittles who pretend to worship chili-pepper watermelon taffy (if there is such a thing as Satan in candy form, this is it) in order to piss off their parents. Not even Hot Topic could sell these Skittles with a straight face! Darkside? Shenanigans!
Or perhaps there's another explanation. Perhaps these sunny-colored candy bits are deceptively innocent looking mirror-universe Skittles, identical counterparts in every way to real Skittles, except something truly sinister lies within - the desire to corrupt and destroy all that is good and right and holy in the confectionery universe, starting with our beloved tasteable rainbow. “Original flavors” indeed. LIES!
What the hell, Wrigley company, parent company of Skittle making?! What, pray tell, is the reasoning behind this sugary madness?!
And to make matters even more shameful, more unacceptable, more of a crime against humanity itself, this appears to be not an isolated incident perpetrated by Skittle makers alone, but rather one instance in a long string of dastardly deeds, committed against various species of citrusy green sugary goodness by a consortium of candy and drink makers throughout the years. It's a veritable conspiracy! Are Darkside Skittles naught but a cover story or pleasant euphemism for Bonbon Tartarus? Are these delectable sweets being picked off by the Candy Cartel? Are they being thrown into a soda pop river somewhere in Brooklyn to sleep with the goldfish crackers?
This is a dire fate that these poor, innocent chartreuse bits of sugary happiness do not deserve, and more importantly, it’s a reality I refuse to accept! Skittle Manufacturer, I call BS on you, good sir (or madam)! You thought you could sneak one over on us, but no more!
It’s time to put a stop to the madness. Do it for our fallen lime-colored comrades. Do it for our dearly departed childhood companions, Ecto Cooler and the Lime Green Pixi Stick, who are gone but not forgotten. Do it for Great Bluedini Kool-Aid, whose emerald-to-teal color change magic couldn’t save him from extinction. Do it for the once proud, once delicious celadon stick of Fruit Stripe Gum, whose bold lime flavor was robbed away and cruelly replaced with a sad, pathetic watermelon taint. Bring lime Skittles back from the dark side, and in doing so, make the world a brighter place for all of us.
Consider the noble lime Skittle, beloved staple of many a childhood diet. Now, consider it gone. Too terrible a fate to imagine? Perhaps! But tragically, this is the reality we must now face. It is with a heavy heart that I announce to the world that this delightful splash of sweet green deliciousness has been replaced by a villainous imposter, a ne’er do well wannabe Skittle that brings its sour, disagreeable nature into the formerly harmonious world of Original Flavor Skittles.
[Red bag of "Original Flavor" Skittles]
[Red bag of "Original Flavor" Skittles, NOW WITH GREEN APPLE! What is this fuckery?!]
As one who has experienced this unceremonious assault on her tastebuds personally and quite unexpectedly, I can vouch first hand for its undeniable ickiness. It's not that sour apple is an inherently barfy flavor, but throwing sour apple Skittles into the original mix works about as well as booking *NSYNC as the opening act for a Metallica concert, or prefacing a Disney movie with the theatrical trailer for Debbie Does Dallas. Except not even Debbie would do this new Skittle mashup, so vile is the flavor combination! Some things are simply not meant to be done. Or consumed.
So what, then, became of the lime green Skittle? Did it simply cease to be? Was it obliterated from the earth? Was it zapped into a mysterious shadow realm? Actually, yes.
[Blue bag of "Darkside" Skittles, featuring the trademark rainbow and appearing quite festive]
Mmmmm, taste the rainbow of ridiculous advertising gimmicks, kiddies! ("Dark side of the Rainbow"? Really? So if I eat these backwards while watching the Wizard of Oz, will I get a hidden message or something?)
[Close-up of "Darkside" Skittle flavors]
Dark side, indeed, for only the darkest powers could be responsible for such a devious act as kidnapping and repurposing our treasured lime candies. Or...one would think. Please note, however, that there is nothing remotely dark about any of these Skittles. “Blood Orange” is downright sunny and cheerful. “Forbidden Fruit” is no more pigmentally overloaded than a garden variety Grape Skittle with no known attachments to Lord Voldemort, Darth Vader, or any other reasonably well respected paragon of darkness. “Dark Berry” calls to mind a popular shade of Bonne Bell Lipsmackers (behold the sinister power of a pre-teen’s makeup bag!), “Pomegranate” is about as foreboding as a carefree romp through a tulip field on a warm spring day, and “Midnight Lime”, the supposed star of the fruity shadow realm, is practically phosphorescent in its chirpy vibrant hue!
These are not Dark Skittles! These are not even slightly shady or somewhat shadowy Skittles. These are wannabe gothling poseur Skittles, Twilight fangirl Skittles who pretend to worship chili-pepper watermelon taffy (if there is such a thing as Satan in candy form, this is it) in order to piss off their parents. Not even Hot Topic could sell these Skittles with a straight face! Darkside? Shenanigans!
Or perhaps there's another explanation. Perhaps these sunny-colored candy bits are deceptively innocent looking mirror-universe Skittles, identical counterparts in every way to real Skittles, except something truly sinister lies within - the desire to corrupt and destroy all that is good and right and holy in the confectionery universe, starting with our beloved tasteable rainbow. “Original flavors” indeed. LIES!
What the hell, Wrigley company, parent company of Skittle making?! What, pray tell, is the reasoning behind this sugary madness?!
And to make matters even more shameful, more unacceptable, more of a crime against humanity itself, this appears to be not an isolated incident perpetrated by Skittle makers alone, but rather one instance in a long string of dastardly deeds, committed against various species of citrusy green sugary goodness by a consortium of candy and drink makers throughout the years. It's a veritable conspiracy! Are Darkside Skittles naught but a cover story or pleasant euphemism for Bonbon Tartarus? Are these delectable sweets being picked off by the Candy Cartel? Are they being thrown into a soda pop river somewhere in Brooklyn to sleep with the goldfish crackers?
This is a dire fate that these poor, innocent chartreuse bits of sugary happiness do not deserve, and more importantly, it’s a reality I refuse to accept! Skittle Manufacturer, I call BS on you, good sir (or madam)! You thought you could sneak one over on us, but no more!
It’s time to put a stop to the madness. Do it for our fallen lime-colored comrades. Do it for our dearly departed childhood companions, Ecto Cooler and the Lime Green Pixi Stick, who are gone but not forgotten. Do it for Great Bluedini Kool-Aid, whose emerald-to-teal color change magic couldn’t save him from extinction. Do it for the once proud, once delicious celadon stick of Fruit Stripe Gum, whose bold lime flavor was robbed away and cruelly replaced with a sad, pathetic watermelon taint. Bring lime Skittles back from the dark side, and in doing so, make the world a brighter place for all of us.