if only you knew
aw man my head feels like and electrified melon. theres this intense arc of pain running between my temples and its driving me fucking crazy. so anyway, havent heard from you guys in a while and vice versa. i believe some of you can understand what its like to want something and yet not want it at the same time. for the past three months, this is the limbo ive been in. i havent been drinking or smoked any weed or done any kind of mind or mood altering substance in over three months. for most of you, that might sound pathetic and i totally understand how you see it that way. but for me, the situation is a bit different. i never understood what that meant really but the last little while has been a learning experience. ok, so an easy example. lets say you go to a party. you get there, hanging out maybe have a drink or two right? well for me, the second i take that first drink of booze its like lighting the fuse on a stick of dynamite. i drink down one, then two and three and i dont slow down until five or six and by the time i leave im hammered and ready to really start the party. the only way i can avoid it is by not taking that first drink. it has nothing to do with what i drink or what drug i do once it starts its impossible to stop, and thats the difference. if im going to drink, its not to enjoy it its to get drunk, there is no in between. its the same with drugs. i could smoke a joint and before i know it ide be down in the ghetto copping coke. it sucks but then all we have are the cards we are dealt. if youve ever been confused as to why im so out of it or why i do things this is the answer to that question. which brings me back to wanting something but not wanting something. i want to get wasted so bad i can taste the beer on my tounge, i can feel my bones gravitated towards that shiny isle in the food store full of booze. well, im not about to give up now. not yet. i may fall off someday but when it happens its going to be spectacular. so, to all my adoring fans and hateful spectators, peace im out.
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