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I've pretty much been spending all of my time either at work or holed up at home. In the past couple of days, I've taken that to a further extreme by holing up in my room while listening to albums I haven't listened to in ages, such as The Cure's Head on the Door or the P.U.N.K. Girl EP by Heavenly. I've been reading articles about comparative advantages outloud to myself, along with conducting a one man debate about meritocracies and whether they can work in an inherently disadvantaged world. I'm also determined to teach myself modern Canadian history for no other reason except that I quite enjoy it and find myself bored reading the same things about American history.
Inadventently, I've found myself becoming what I've wanted to become again, which is the Kevin of years ago who lived in an apartment downtown and did things alone all the time. Not that I want things to be at those extremes again, but I have felt a certain hunger to be alone again and to do things for and with myself, like I used to do. The irony of this all is that I started to feel this way about things with Malia took a turn for the worse, but I suppose this is a reaction to that situation, as I always have a feeling of changing things when relationship matters sour.
I've also wanted to get back to writing again and my writing, I mean writing something that has substance and length, which I really have been struggling to do. For some misguided reason, I feel that if I have enough length in my writing, the substance will come naturally. I want to attempt to write stories again, although my best stories were basically re-tellings of various incidents of my life, with the details changed for literary gain. Hell, I'd even be happy reviewing music right now, but instead, I'm writing with no purpose or organisation.
I actually have so much to say, but I don't know if this is the place to say those things and I certainly haven't felt confident enough in my skills to articulate those thoughts. For once, they're actually quite deep and don't involve girls, but maybe that's why I have trouble because I'm so used to writing about trite things.
Last but not least, I think Belinda Stronach is sort of attractive, which seems gross and wrong in so many ways.
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I'm sitting here while the keyboard has been illuminated by the glow from the monitor. I've got my right foot underneath my left thigh, while a can of cola sits to the right of me. I keep scratching underneath my chin and keep wondering whether or not I really won't shave until next week.
I tried to take a nap this afternoon while I was made loopy from Nyquil, but all I did was end up extending my winning streak on MVP Baseball 2005 to twenty games in a row. I took a nap this evening because I had nothing better to do and didn't feel like talking to anyone. I woke up to the sounds of the rest of the house getting ready to go out and have a good time and I felt torn. Torn because I want to go out, because I think it'd be good for me, but also I'm feeling like I need to stay home and be alone and that I'd end up being moody and quiet anyway.
I've been in such a horrible mood recently and feeling completely unmotivated to do anything. I keep wanting to write about what's wrong, but I don't want anyone to hear it and I don't feel like I want to tell anyone, which just contributes to me feeling worse since it's stuck inside me.
I'm trying to take solace in my alone time tonight and that I'm listening to CBC Radio Three. The DJ reminds me of me in a way, that's very comforting. I think I've ceased to have any confidence in myself.
Inadventently, I've found myself becoming what I've wanted to become again, which is the Kevin of years ago who lived in an apartment downtown and did things alone all the time. Not that I want things to be at those extremes again, but I have felt a certain hunger to be alone again and to do things for and with myself, like I used to do. The irony of this all is that I started to feel this way about things with Malia took a turn for the worse, but I suppose this is a reaction to that situation, as I always have a feeling of changing things when relationship matters sour.
I've also wanted to get back to writing again and my writing, I mean writing something that has substance and length, which I really have been struggling to do. For some misguided reason, I feel that if I have enough length in my writing, the substance will come naturally. I want to attempt to write stories again, although my best stories were basically re-tellings of various incidents of my life, with the details changed for literary gain. Hell, I'd even be happy reviewing music right now, but instead, I'm writing with no purpose or organisation.
I actually have so much to say, but I don't know if this is the place to say those things and I certainly haven't felt confident enough in my skills to articulate those thoughts. For once, they're actually quite deep and don't involve girls, but maybe that's why I have trouble because I'm so used to writing about trite things.
Last but not least, I think Belinda Stronach is sort of attractive, which seems gross and wrong in so many ways.
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I'm sitting here while the keyboard has been illuminated by the glow from the monitor. I've got my right foot underneath my left thigh, while a can of cola sits to the right of me. I keep scratching underneath my chin and keep wondering whether or not I really won't shave until next week.
I tried to take a nap this afternoon while I was made loopy from Nyquil, but all I did was end up extending my winning streak on MVP Baseball 2005 to twenty games in a row. I took a nap this evening because I had nothing better to do and didn't feel like talking to anyone. I woke up to the sounds of the rest of the house getting ready to go out and have a good time and I felt torn. Torn because I want to go out, because I think it'd be good for me, but also I'm feeling like I need to stay home and be alone and that I'd end up being moody and quiet anyway.
I've been in such a horrible mood recently and feeling completely unmotivated to do anything. I keep wanting to write about what's wrong, but I don't want anyone to hear it and I don't feel like I want to tell anyone, which just contributes to me feeling worse since it's stuck inside me.
I'm trying to take solace in my alone time tonight and that I'm listening to CBC Radio Three. The DJ reminds me of me in a way, that's very comforting. I think I've ceased to have any confidence in myself.