Middle of Nowhere - Chapter 17
Title: Middle of Nowhere
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They were created by Annie Proulx. I make no money from this and don't want to.
Rating: NC-17 for the whole story
Thanks: To Jen (shieldmaid) for helping me out with this chapter, and to Keren for your constant encouragement.
Feedback: Oh yes please!! I appreciate every word.
Authors Note: Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter posted. RL would not be nice to me. And angst level is high. If it's any consolation, it was hard to write.
Chapter 17
Jack lay in the peaceful sanctuary of Meli's room, his head cushioned by soft pillows and his body protected by warm sheets and a thick blanket. He dipped in and out of sleep, aware of low, distant voices. He figured they belonged to Meli and Natasha, the nurse who had checked him over the night before.
When sleep took him, he descended into a deep abyss that made him feel lost and disorientated, and struggling for breath. In his dream state, when he was able to push himself up towards the surface, Ennis was there, holding something out to him. Jack tried asking Ennis where he'd found his t-shirt, but no sound came out.
"Jacky," Meli's voice drifted across the room and landed softly by his side. He opened his eyes as she sat beside him, a look of concern on her face, one hand twirling her hair, the other roughly pulling threads on the bed.
"What's wrong?" Jack whispered, his voice fearful. Meli's solemn expression was unnerving him.
"I should be asking you that question," Meli said, her voice quavering. "How are you feeling?"
Jack pushed himself up on his elbows, reaching behind him to fix one of the pillows to lean against. It took up some time when he didn't have to answer.
"Jacky? You know Ennis is worried sick about you?"
At the mention of Ennis's name, Jack felt a stifling sadness overwhelm him and he suppressed the sobs that rose in his throat and threatened to escape.
"What happened?" Meli probed. "Ennis wouldn't tell me. Is it bad?"
"It's over." Jack heard the words leave his mouth but couldn't attach too much feeling to them. He was numb and not just from the water that had seeped under his skin.
"No, no, it's not sweetie, Ennis loves you, he does." Jack could barely look at Meli as she reached out and stroked his face.
"He was so worried last night, Jack. I had to force him to leave, otherwise he'd still be here now."
"Nothing to worry about, I'm fine."
"I want you to be," Meli said sadly. "I need to go and see Ennis, because Howie is going to want to talk to him, and you."
Jack watched Meli pull at the blanket threads. He couldn't remember if this was the same blanket from the last time he was here. He could remember how strong his heart was that night, how full of longing and desire he was. His body had trembled as he waited for Ennis, unsure what the night would bring. And now he was back again, alone and empty.
"I know you probably don't care much about this, but if you'd been caught last night, you would have been in serious trouble, both of you."
"No, I don't much care."
"I know, but we need to work out what we're going to say to Howie. The boys in your cabin'll be waking up and wondering where you are."
"Doubt they'll miss me."
"It's not about missing you Jack, it's about you not getting into trouble over this." Meli stood up and grabbed Jack's clothes that lay on the floor in a crumpled heap.
"Put your clothes on, Jacky. I'm going to tell you what happened last night." Jack took the clothes and began dressing.
"You came back from town, you felt ill, you needed some fresh air, you slipped and fell in the lake, Ennis found you, he thought you'd hurt your head, he brought you to the infirmary, and it was decided you needed to spend the night here. That's what happened, right?"
"Right."
"Okay. I need to go and see Ennis. I'll make sure he says the same thing. This will cover you both and it'll be dealt with and forgotten by the time breakfast is finished."
Meli sat back down on the bed, watching silently as Jack dressed with effort. His movements felt slowed down, and every muscle in his body ached. He sensed Meli's eyes on him.
"What? I'm fine, Meli, I heard the story, I know what I have to say."
"I know you do, but that's not what bothers me."
Jack dragged the t-shirt over his head and stood up, banging his feet noisily into his boots.
"I can't talk about this now. I need to go back to the cabin, have breakfast and start work. If Howie wants to see me, he knows where to find me."
"Let me go and talk to Ennis first, okay? We'll go see Howie, so he hears it from us before news goes around. Just stay here for five minutes."
"Sure, whatever."
"Sweetie, please, it'll be okay, Ennis didn't mean it, he was upset…."
"Just go Meli, so we can get this over with."
Meli looked at Jack, a mixture of hope and defeat etched on her face. He couldn't offer her anything in the way of reassurance, because his mind was empty and numb, and his heart was heavy and it hurt too much to say.
As Meli finally left and closed the door, Jack sat back on the bed, curled his arms around his stomach, and shivered as if he was still under the cold blackness of the lake.
---
Ennis closed the door of Howie's office and let out a stuttered breath.
"Everything okay?" Meli asked, jumping up from behind her desk.
"Yeah, I guess. Howie seemed to believe what I told him."
"Good. Let's go and get some breakfast."
Ennis shook his head. "Ain't hungry."
"Ennis...," Meli pleaded.
"I don't wanna eat. I'll go see the boys, then get to my class."
Ennis went to leave, but held back. He needed to know, even though he didn't know how to ask.
"He's awake." Meli answered Ennis's unspoken question without hesitation. "Was getting dressed when I left." Ennis nodded, knowing that wasn't enough, but it would have to do for now.
Meli touched his arm. "Whatever happened, you can get through it. What you have is something special. Ennis, if you could see Jack….."
"I gotta go." Ennis cleared his throat abruptly, hoping to remove the lump that had settled there. He turned and walked slowly towards the dining hall, trying to find a way to clear his head of the events from the night before, so he could deal with the questions the boys would no doubt ask him, but it was futile. All he could see was Jack and the look of devastated hurt that etched every line of his face. Jack's eyes, normally so vibrant and full of sparkling blue, were dull and empty, void of any expression, as though the life had been snatched out of them.
Ennis knew he'd done that. He had caused Jack to sink into the black waters of desolate sadness, and he could hardly bear to contemplate on what might have happened if he had not followed Jack to the lake, and somehow manage to persuade Jack to get out after what felt like an eternity to him.
Recalling his anxiety when Jack eventually pulled himself out of the ice cold water, Ennis was seized by an overwhelming feeling of guilt that gripped his heart. The knowledge of being responsible for causing something that could have ended so unnecessarily tragic was unbearable. He didn't know how he could face Jack now, but he knew he would have to eventually.
------
Jack debated whether to skip breakfast, but knew that his absence would cause an even greater excuse for rumours to spread across the camp. He expected gossip to have already started by now, and didn't want to add fuel to the fire.
The boys had already left for breakfast by the time he had gathered up what little energy he had to leave the infirmary and return to the cabin. His body felt weak and his legs were heavy, which made the short journey difficult and slow.
He sat on his bed in the cabin, waiting for his breath to return to normal. The empty room took on a different atmosphere, one that unnerved Jack and made him feel disconnected to all that went on there. He felt as though the events of the night before had changed things completely, and knew that the next time the cabin was full, things would never be the same again.
He closed his eyes, and allowed his fingers to crawl underneath his pillow, but what they were reaching for still wasn't there. He wasn't surprised, but had hoped for the t-shirt to be there anyway. It would have been a small but significant link to the time before yesterday. But it wasn't and he had to accept it was lost forever.
He stood up and headed for the door. He took a few deep breaths, knowing he was stalling for time before he had to face Ennis, and it was making him weak again. He wanted to crawl under the covers, and block out the sun because it was hurting him to look at it. How could the sun shine so brightly, when inside small fragments of his heart were shattering like the heavy pelts of rain that poured down on him the night before?. The smashed pieces were like shards of glass, pricking his skin and ripping it open every time he breathed.
He knew he had to leave because the longer he stayed there, the sooner the boys would come looking for him. Or Ennis would be sent to find him. He wasn't ready to face Ennis alone, he was scared of how his emotions would cause him to react. Being amongst them in the neutral space of the dining hall would be easier for him, any awkward silences could be filled by the noisy clatter of the room and everyone in it.
When he finally left the cabin and arrived at the dining hall, breakfast was almost over. He walked slowly to his table, deliberately avoiding the eyes of anyone who happened to look his way. His heart tripped out as he saw Ennis's back at the table, and he suddenly didn't know if he could do this.
As he hesitated, Justin looked up and spotted him. Justin's eyes lit up and he watched as Justin motioned to Ennis to look his way. Jack held his breath as Ennis turned around, and looked directly at him. Jack's instinct was to smile, but then he remembered. He could not smile at the boy who had broken his heart.
"You okay Jack? Hear you had a fall last night. Too many beers, huh?" Ryan's eyes were wide as he waited to hear Jack tell his side of the story. He wondered what Ennis had told them already. As long as he stuck with the story Meli had given them, he would not have to go into anything more.
"Yeah, too many beers," Jack replied, going along with Ryan's fun. Jack sat down next to Scott. He could feel all eyes on him, but it was only Ennis's that made any impact on him.
Jack's heart drummed so fast it began to hurt.
"You get your head checked out?" Ryan went on. "You might need a brain scan - to check you still have one."
"Drop it, Ryan," Ennis hissed. The atmosphere on the table changed instantly. No one said anything for what felt like hours, but only a few minutes had passed. Jack drank a glass of water, feeling dehydrated and confused. His mouth was dry and seemed to have lost the ability to speak.
"How you feelin'?" Ennis's words jolted Jack back to where he was.
"Just great, you?" Jack spit out the words with an intention to hurt. He held Ennis's stare until Ennis dropped his head. He watched as Ennis bit on his thumbnail. He wanted to tell Ennis to stop, but he also wanted to make Ennis feel bad, and wanted the nail to tear and bleed and sting. It would not compare with the agonising throb of hurt he was enduring, but it would do for now.
"Better, knowing you're okay," Ennis murmured. Jack had almost forgotten he'd asked Ennis the question, Ennis had taken so long to reply.
"No need to worry about me," Jack said flatly. "Can take care of myself."
"You needed help last night, Jack. If I hadn't got there…," Ennis stopped abruptly.
The air around him made Jack feel as thought he was talking through a long dark tunnel. He was at one end, and Ennis was at the other. By the time the words travelled down to the other side, they had changed and became something different. Simple words were making no sense.
"Yeah, well, thanks for getting help. Stupid of me to trip and fall in the lake." Jack laughed, and it sounded as false as every word he was saying. He became aware that everyone at the table were watching him and Ennis. He needed to bring the conversation back on to a less intense level, but he was having trouble with Ennis staring at him the way he was.
Jack looked at his watch and made an attempt to get things finished.
"Breakfast is over, guys, so you need to get on and over to your first activities."
"You gonna be teaching today, Jack?" Justin asked quietly. "Ennis told us it was a nasty fall."
Jack looked at Justin and smiled. "It wasn't as nasty as it looked. I'm okay. I had a good sleep and just need to get back in the water."
Justin nodded and left the table. The rest of the boys followed suit, no one commenting further on the nature of Jack's accident. It was all over, just like Meli had predicted.
"Jack." Howie came over and stood between him and Ennis. A look of deep concern covered Howie's face.
"How you doin'? Ennis explained to me what happened last night. You feelin' okay?"
"Yeah, I…I just took a fall but didn't hurt my head." Jack took a deep breath, preparing to tell his side of the cover story. "I know being out on camp at that time isn't allowed, but I was feeling ill, and thought I'd only be out for a few minutes."
"That's fine Jack, but try and stay away from the lake next time you feel ill, okay? It's lucky Ennis went looking for you. Not everyone has a co-counselor who'd care so much."
Jack received Howie's ironic words like a cruel blow to his heart.
"I sure realise how lucky I am. Thanks, Ennis." Jack forced himself to look at the boy who had brought him sweet joy since the moment they first met. The same boy who caused crushing sorrow to engulf him and swallow him whole. Ennis's face remained impassive as he nodded his acceptance.
"You get yourself checked over by Natasha, I take it?" Howie asked, oblivious to the suffocating situation between him and Ennis.
"I did, she gave me the all clear. Just want to get on with my job." Howie nodded in agreement.
"Great, well I'm just glad it wasn't more serious. Stay out of trouble, okay?" Howie smiled at them both and left them facing each other in a near empty dining hall. Jack made to leave, but Ennis held him back, grabbing his arm with a gentle touch.
"You really okay?" Ennis asked with heartfelt concern. Ennis dropped his hand as if realising where they were.
"I'm fine." Jack felt the loss of Ennis's hand even though he wished he didn't.
"You had me worried, Jack. You - you shouldn't have done that. The water was so cold."
Jack studied Ennis's face. He only saw true and open distress.
"Yeah it was cold. Couldn't feel it after a while though."
"Jack I - I'm sorry. I - I feel so bad about all this….," Ennis's unfinished sentence sat there like a time bomb, ticking away.
"You meant what you said last night?"
Jack held his breath as he watched Ennis's face for the sign that he hoped would be there. But when Ennis nodded his head, Jack knew all hope was gone.
"Then I don't want you to be sorry."
Jack walked away from Ennis, opened the door of the dining hall and didn't look back.
---
The next few days passed in a blur. Ennis went through the motions of each new day, waking up and doing the same thing he did the day before. He was only aware the days were not the same by the different classes he took, and a change in the weather. The night it rained for the first time brought a shift in the weather pattern that saw a sunny morning turn into a stormy afternoon, bringing with it thunder and lightening that unfurled itself with abandon, not just over the camp, but over the whole state.
Despite the rain, Ennis continued to look through the window of his workshop, and look out for Jack. To watch Jack perform his own duties was a constant for him, even if it brought him untold pain and agony. This was the only way he could observe Jack without it being remarked upon. He could study Jack and all his ways and not be scrutinised for it. His heart was torn and bruised and watching Jack was a form of self-inflicted punishment that he felt he deserved.
Jack had not spoken to Ennis since the day after the incident at the lake, save for discussions based on camp or cabin issues. Ennis was acutely aware of how difficult things were, but thankfully no one in the cabin had. He wondered if Justin suspected, since he seemed to watch Ennis like a hawk, but Ennis never asked, and Justin never said. The anguish he felt about it was too much sometimes to even think about, let alone talk about. And the only person he would want to talk about it with was the one person he couldn't talk about it with.
Meli had kept her distance and not interfered. She was clearly distressed by the situation, but would only ask the minimum of questions, and Ennis knew how hard that was for her. He wanted to ask Meli if she had talked to Jack, and what he had said, but couldn't bring himself to hear what the answer would be.
After two days of storms and threatened floods, there eventually came a day that delivered blue skies and calm waters to the camp. On a welcome break from classes, Ennis took a few stolen moments to feel the warm sun on his face.
He sat behind his workshop, out of view of everyone. He could still see the lake from where he was, and watched as Jack helped the water babies out of the lake and allowed them to hug and squeeze him in thanks for another fun time in his class.
He could just make out the smile on Jack's face, as each child took their turn being enveloped in Jack's arms. His heart pounded as he remembered how it felt to be held by Jack, to have Jack stroke his back, and the tender way Jack would trace his fingers along the base of his neck.
He wanted it so badly.
But he also wanted the pain to stop, he wanted to undo all the hurt he had caused Jack, but he didn't know how. He thought he had been doing the right thing. He thought he was giving Jack what he wanted. But the look on Jack's face when Ennis gave him the freedom he thought Jack wanted told him something else.
The soothing sound of the water as it lapped against the grassy bank began to calm him. His eyes scanned the water as it stretched out, further and further, until there was nothing more to see but the golden horizon in the distance, and just as the lake gave the impression it would go on forever, Ennis knew that if he looked hard enough, he would see that it didn't, not really.
------
Jack's days began to merge into one big stretch of time, where he would swim and teach and eat and sleep. The swimming and teaching he could do without any effort, but it was the eating and sleeping that caused him the greatest problems. His appetite had gone but he had to present an image to the boys that he was eating as normal, in order not to draw attention to himself.
Eating meant that he had to share a table with Ennis, and endure agonising periods of time when the effort of having to appear on normal speaking terms was sometimes harder than having to force some food down his throat. But eating meant he didn't have to think of something to talk about, and when he did, he usually ended up asking each boy in turn what they had done that day, if it was dinner, and what they would be doing, if it was breakfast, and give each boy his undivided attention. That way, by the time he had got around the table, the meal was finished and he could leave.
Sleeping was the hardest part of Jack's day. As much as he wished he didn't, he missed the night time ritual of sitting outside on the porch with Ennis, and would force himself to stay inside or go and have the longest shower he could possibly have before the water ran cold. The distance he had created between himself and Ennis was agonising, but he needed it for his own self-preservation.
Ennis had made his decision, and had not retracted it when Jack had given him the opportunity. His heart was breaking into even smaller pieces day by day, and there was nothing he could about it. He had to endure Ennis's presence at the time when he needed to be alone the most. As he tried to succumb to sleep, he could hear Ennis's breathing. He could see the outline of Ennis's face. And he knew, when he saw Ennis's hand creep underneath his pillow, he was grabbing hold of something that Jack did not have any more, and probably would never have again.
He hated Ennis. He did. He wanted Ennis to know.
When the storms cleared, Jack was thankful. On severe rainy days, Bob had to admit defeat and cancel all swim classes, despite Jack's pleas to carry on. Bob had told Jack he admired his commitment to the job, but he couldn't be allowing the children to be swimming in the rain, in cold water. The infirmary would be full in no time and angry parents would be lining up outside Howie's office.
When the sun finally came out, Jack was like an animal that had just come out of hibernation. If he could just focus everything he had on his job, then he could deal with everything else. That is what he told himself. His heart was telling him something else.
When he spotted Ennis sat outside the workshop, looking out to the lake, he thought he was done with hurting. He thought his body had managed to heal itself and he could work towards the end of camp so he could get away and leave behind the charred memories of the very thing that filled his dreams every night.
But watching Ennis watch him made the hurt feel as fresh and painful as though he had just that minute heard Ennis say he wanted this thing they had to be over. How did he think he would ever be over it?
"Take a break, Jack. We can cover for twenty minutes." Bob's voice penetrated his already clouded head and Jack turned to see Bob looking at him with concern.
Jack cleared his throat. "I'm fine, don't need a break."
"All this working your doing is great, like I've already told you," Bob went on, picking up a canoe paddle. "But whatever it is you're trying to forget, isn't going to disappear just because you swim ten extra lengths, or teach Louisa how to swim without both swimming aids instead of one."
Jack looked at Bob and laughed quietly when he realised the look on Bob's face was not of a frustrated employer, but one of a concerned parent. It occurred to him that he considered Bob to be more of a parent than his own ever had been.
"You can laugh, but I managed to swim ten lengths more in the time I could usually swim twenty when Wendy turned down my marriage proposal."
Jack's open mouthed look of shock led Bob to laugh out loud. "It's true. Thought it'd impress her."
"And did it? I mean I assume it did, since you're married now."
"Oh yeah it impressed her. Thought I was crazy, mind, but she said yes eventually."
"I wonder why she thought you were crazy."
"Hey, she can say that, she's my wife." They laughed and Bob placed the paddle down on the jetty and picked up Jack's baseball cap that was lying beside it. He placed it on Jack's head, and smiled.
"Something's going on, and I don't expect you to tell me, but it's changed you and not for the good. I want you to find it again, because you are too much of a good guy to be beaten down like this. So do me a favour? Humour me and take a break. Okay?"
If Jack had been overcome seeing Ennis looking out towards him, Bob's words penetrated a part of him he had tried to keep sealed up and separate. He could hardly speak but wanted Bob to know what his words meant to him.
"I wanna tell you…..," Jack began, but Bob shook his head.
"And I want you to tell me, but not here, and not when you feel like this. Now go before I have a mutiny when the others find out I've given you some time off."
Jack raised his hand in thanks, turned and wiped his eyes before anyone could see.
----
The noise coming from the cabin could be heard clearly outside as Jack walked up the steps and opened the door.
He saw Ryan first, who was holding a t-shirt in his hand. He looked at Ryan, who had been in animated conversation when Jack walked in. He was now silent, looking at Jack with a challenging smirk. The other boys filled the room and Jack suddenly sensed an uneasy shift in the atmosphere.
"What's going on guys?" Jack opened the question to everyone, keeping his voice serious and steady, not wanting to give Ryan an excuse to take charge. Ryan seemed to have other ideas.
"You recognise this t-shirt don't you, Jack?" Ryan held the t-shirt out for Jack to see. But Jack didn't need to see it. He knew who's t-shirt it was.
Before Jack could answer, Ryan continued, his eyes boring into Jack.
"I thought you might have missed it, since it's been gone for a while now. It turned up today. Laundry somehow misplaced it."
"Get to the point, Ryan," Jack said sternly, trying not to lose it, because he knew where this was heading.
"Me and Scott were sorting out the laundry when he picked this one up and put it on Ennis's bed." Ryan paused, playing for time.
"But I told Scott, this ain't Ennis's, cause I remembered - I got it from under your pillow."
Jack's heart began to thump hard against his chest. Damn, damn, damn.
"What made it confusing was Ennis's initials, written in the label."
Jack was beginning to sweat.
"How it'd get under your pillow, Jack?"
"Give me the t-shirt, Ryan," Jack said, holding his hand out. Ryan kept it close to him.
"You stealing people's clothes, Jack? That's not a good example to set us impressionable young boys." Jack's outstretched hand turned into a fist as his instinct urged him to slam it into Ryan's smug face.
"You've had your fun, now hand the t-shirt over."
"I still think you need to tell us how it got there. I mean, it's not like you need more clothes Jack. So why'd you take it?"
"Ryan, I'm warning you…"
"Just give him the t-shirt, Ryan," Justin piped up.
"Oh I should have known you'd defend him, he's one of your kind."
"What the hell you talking about?" Jack shouted.
"I remember how you defended him when I called him a fag. It's cause you're one."
"Ryan, you'd better shut your mouth…."
"I'm right, aren't I? You're a fag…you've been stealing Ennis's clothes, and holding on to it at night, dreaming about him. Jesus, it makes me sick."
"Ryan, this discussion ends right now!" Jack's voice reverberated around the cabin.
"Oh yeah? Why? I'm touching a nerve and you don't like it. No wonder you and my sister didn't last long. She's a girl and you ain't into them. You want Ennis, and he ain't interested. And why would he? He ain't a fag, like you."
"Ryan, can't you just drop it?" Justin was the only one apart from Jack who was challenging Ryan. Everyone else was either defending him or trying not to get involved, not sure what side to be on.
"Shut your mouth, you dirty queer……"
"Ryan! That's enough. Justin's not involved in this, and you have no right to say those things to him." Jack raised his voice and moved closer to Ryan to try and take control of a rapidly unravelling situation.
"I can say what I like, since I've been sharing a cabin with two queers. Ennis is gonna freak when he finds out."
Jack wanted to grab Ryan and shake him, and he knew he would have if the door hadn't opened right at that moment. Ennis walked in and Jack felt a mixture of relief and dread as he knew what was coming.
Ennis stared at Jack with a look of obvious confusion. Jack knew he couldn't say anything to Ennis, and didn't know how to begin to indicate what was going on. As bad as he was feeling, and as much as he wished he didn't care, he hoped Ennis wouldn't have to take what he already had from Ryan.
"Ennis!" Ryan ran over to Ennis like an eager child. "I found this t-shirt, it was under Jack's pillow, it's yours, see? The initials are inside. It's yours. He stole it from you so he could have it for himself."
Ennis looked at the t-shirt like he had never seen one before. Jack and the other boys were staring at Ennis, waiting for his reaction. The room was thick and heavy with a stifling air of apprehension.
Ennis looked up and straight at Jack. Jack's breath was suspended as he studied Ennis's face. Jack could not work anything out.
"Ain't you gonna say anything, Ennis? Jack's a fag and he's been lusting after you. Ain't you disgusted?"
"You'd better hush your mouth, Ryan," Ennis replied eventually, his voice as serious and as intimidating as Jack had ever heard it.
"Huh? What d'you mean? He's gay. He defended Justin and now we got two of 'em in here."
"Hush.Your.Mouth." The harsh tone in Ennis's voice caused the hair on the back of Jack's neck to rise up. He glanced at Ryan, who was looking at Ennis like Ennis had lost his mind.
Ryan shook his head vehemently. "I ain't keeping quiet about this, no way."
"Maybe Ennis is right," Scott interjected, looking at Ryan sheepishly.
"You'd do right to listen to Scott, and let this go," Ennis said, his words coming out of his mouth like heavy artillery.
"No way," Ryan said slowly, locking eyes with Ennis. "If you won't do anything about that queer sleeping in this cabin, then I will."
Before Jack could react, Ennis had Ryan pushed up against the wall, pinning Ryan's shoulders with a claw-like grip, his face pressed close to the boy's.
"You watch your mouth, boy," Ennis spat.
"Get the fuck off a me!" Ryan squealed, struggling to escape from Ennis's strong hold. Ennis held firm, pushing harder and his face growing darker.
"You apologise then I'll let you go."
"Ennis…." Jack grabbed Ennis's shoulder, pulling on the hard solid muscle but Ennis did not budge.
"I ain't fuckin' apologising for nothing! You get off me now or I'll report you for assault, I mean it!"
"Ennis! Get off him, please."
Jack could see the situation spiralling out of control fast and needed Ennis off Ryan before something serious and unstoppable happened.
Jack saw Ennis release his grip on Ryan and he quickly pulled Ennis away to allow Ryan to move off from the wall.
"Jesus, what the fuck!" Ryan screamed, as he headed towards the cabin door. "I'm fuckin' reporting you for assault, you're fuckin' crazy!"
"Ryan, calm down, we can sort this out here." Jack attempted to stop Ryan from leaving, but Ryan jumped away from Jack as though he'd just touched fire.
"Get the fuck off me, you freak! You think I'm gonna stay here with you two in charge? No fuckin' way! Scott," Ryan beckoned to his friend who was looking as stunned as everyone else in the cabin. "Come with me, I'll need you as a witness. Come on!"
Scott reluctantly stood up and followed Ryan out of the door.
"You gonna let him leave?" Justin asked Jack, who by now was leaning against the wall, trying to catch his breath.
"We can't stop him, Justin," Jack said wearily. "If we kept him here any longer, he could accuse us of keeping him prisoner."
Jack looked at Ennis who was sitting on his bed, his head bowed heavy between his legs, his breathing stuttered and loud. He felt a need to go and comfort Ennis, but his self-defences kicked in as he remembered all the hurt he'd endured because of this man.
The same man who had defended him against a relentless storm of abuse. He closed his eyes, not sure if he was ready to deal with the aftermath that was due to follow. But he had to at least try.
xxxxxx
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. They were created by Annie Proulx. I make no money from this and don't want to.
Rating: NC-17 for the whole story
Thanks: To Jen (shieldmaid) for helping me out with this chapter, and to Keren for your constant encouragement.
Feedback: Oh yes please!! I appreciate every word.
Authors Note: Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter posted. RL would not be nice to me. And angst level is high. If it's any consolation, it was hard to write.
Chapter 17
Jack lay in the peaceful sanctuary of Meli's room, his head cushioned by soft pillows and his body protected by warm sheets and a thick blanket. He dipped in and out of sleep, aware of low, distant voices. He figured they belonged to Meli and Natasha, the nurse who had checked him over the night before.
When sleep took him, he descended into a deep abyss that made him feel lost and disorientated, and struggling for breath. In his dream state, when he was able to push himself up towards the surface, Ennis was there, holding something out to him. Jack tried asking Ennis where he'd found his t-shirt, but no sound came out.
"Jacky," Meli's voice drifted across the room and landed softly by his side. He opened his eyes as she sat beside him, a look of concern on her face, one hand twirling her hair, the other roughly pulling threads on the bed.
"What's wrong?" Jack whispered, his voice fearful. Meli's solemn expression was unnerving him.
"I should be asking you that question," Meli said, her voice quavering. "How are you feeling?"
Jack pushed himself up on his elbows, reaching behind him to fix one of the pillows to lean against. It took up some time when he didn't have to answer.
"Jacky? You know Ennis is worried sick about you?"
At the mention of Ennis's name, Jack felt a stifling sadness overwhelm him and he suppressed the sobs that rose in his throat and threatened to escape.
"What happened?" Meli probed. "Ennis wouldn't tell me. Is it bad?"
"It's over." Jack heard the words leave his mouth but couldn't attach too much feeling to them. He was numb and not just from the water that had seeped under his skin.
"No, no, it's not sweetie, Ennis loves you, he does." Jack could barely look at Meli as she reached out and stroked his face.
"He was so worried last night, Jack. I had to force him to leave, otherwise he'd still be here now."
"Nothing to worry about, I'm fine."
"I want you to be," Meli said sadly. "I need to go and see Ennis, because Howie is going to want to talk to him, and you."
Jack watched Meli pull at the blanket threads. He couldn't remember if this was the same blanket from the last time he was here. He could remember how strong his heart was that night, how full of longing and desire he was. His body had trembled as he waited for Ennis, unsure what the night would bring. And now he was back again, alone and empty.
"I know you probably don't care much about this, but if you'd been caught last night, you would have been in serious trouble, both of you."
"No, I don't much care."
"I know, but we need to work out what we're going to say to Howie. The boys in your cabin'll be waking up and wondering where you are."
"Doubt they'll miss me."
"It's not about missing you Jack, it's about you not getting into trouble over this." Meli stood up and grabbed Jack's clothes that lay on the floor in a crumpled heap.
"Put your clothes on, Jacky. I'm going to tell you what happened last night." Jack took the clothes and began dressing.
"You came back from town, you felt ill, you needed some fresh air, you slipped and fell in the lake, Ennis found you, he thought you'd hurt your head, he brought you to the infirmary, and it was decided you needed to spend the night here. That's what happened, right?"
"Right."
"Okay. I need to go and see Ennis. I'll make sure he says the same thing. This will cover you both and it'll be dealt with and forgotten by the time breakfast is finished."
Meli sat back down on the bed, watching silently as Jack dressed with effort. His movements felt slowed down, and every muscle in his body ached. He sensed Meli's eyes on him.
"What? I'm fine, Meli, I heard the story, I know what I have to say."
"I know you do, but that's not what bothers me."
Jack dragged the t-shirt over his head and stood up, banging his feet noisily into his boots.
"I can't talk about this now. I need to go back to the cabin, have breakfast and start work. If Howie wants to see me, he knows where to find me."
"Let me go and talk to Ennis first, okay? We'll go see Howie, so he hears it from us before news goes around. Just stay here for five minutes."
"Sure, whatever."
"Sweetie, please, it'll be okay, Ennis didn't mean it, he was upset…."
"Just go Meli, so we can get this over with."
Meli looked at Jack, a mixture of hope and defeat etched on her face. He couldn't offer her anything in the way of reassurance, because his mind was empty and numb, and his heart was heavy and it hurt too much to say.
As Meli finally left and closed the door, Jack sat back on the bed, curled his arms around his stomach, and shivered as if he was still under the cold blackness of the lake.
---
Ennis closed the door of Howie's office and let out a stuttered breath.
"Everything okay?" Meli asked, jumping up from behind her desk.
"Yeah, I guess. Howie seemed to believe what I told him."
"Good. Let's go and get some breakfast."
Ennis shook his head. "Ain't hungry."
"Ennis...," Meli pleaded.
"I don't wanna eat. I'll go see the boys, then get to my class."
Ennis went to leave, but held back. He needed to know, even though he didn't know how to ask.
"He's awake." Meli answered Ennis's unspoken question without hesitation. "Was getting dressed when I left." Ennis nodded, knowing that wasn't enough, but it would have to do for now.
Meli touched his arm. "Whatever happened, you can get through it. What you have is something special. Ennis, if you could see Jack….."
"I gotta go." Ennis cleared his throat abruptly, hoping to remove the lump that had settled there. He turned and walked slowly towards the dining hall, trying to find a way to clear his head of the events from the night before, so he could deal with the questions the boys would no doubt ask him, but it was futile. All he could see was Jack and the look of devastated hurt that etched every line of his face. Jack's eyes, normally so vibrant and full of sparkling blue, were dull and empty, void of any expression, as though the life had been snatched out of them.
Ennis knew he'd done that. He had caused Jack to sink into the black waters of desolate sadness, and he could hardly bear to contemplate on what might have happened if he had not followed Jack to the lake, and somehow manage to persuade Jack to get out after what felt like an eternity to him.
Recalling his anxiety when Jack eventually pulled himself out of the ice cold water, Ennis was seized by an overwhelming feeling of guilt that gripped his heart. The knowledge of being responsible for causing something that could have ended so unnecessarily tragic was unbearable. He didn't know how he could face Jack now, but he knew he would have to eventually.
------
Jack debated whether to skip breakfast, but knew that his absence would cause an even greater excuse for rumours to spread across the camp. He expected gossip to have already started by now, and didn't want to add fuel to the fire.
The boys had already left for breakfast by the time he had gathered up what little energy he had to leave the infirmary and return to the cabin. His body felt weak and his legs were heavy, which made the short journey difficult and slow.
He sat on his bed in the cabin, waiting for his breath to return to normal. The empty room took on a different atmosphere, one that unnerved Jack and made him feel disconnected to all that went on there. He felt as though the events of the night before had changed things completely, and knew that the next time the cabin was full, things would never be the same again.
He closed his eyes, and allowed his fingers to crawl underneath his pillow, but what they were reaching for still wasn't there. He wasn't surprised, but had hoped for the t-shirt to be there anyway. It would have been a small but significant link to the time before yesterday. But it wasn't and he had to accept it was lost forever.
He stood up and headed for the door. He took a few deep breaths, knowing he was stalling for time before he had to face Ennis, and it was making him weak again. He wanted to crawl under the covers, and block out the sun because it was hurting him to look at it. How could the sun shine so brightly, when inside small fragments of his heart were shattering like the heavy pelts of rain that poured down on him the night before?. The smashed pieces were like shards of glass, pricking his skin and ripping it open every time he breathed.
He knew he had to leave because the longer he stayed there, the sooner the boys would come looking for him. Or Ennis would be sent to find him. He wasn't ready to face Ennis alone, he was scared of how his emotions would cause him to react. Being amongst them in the neutral space of the dining hall would be easier for him, any awkward silences could be filled by the noisy clatter of the room and everyone in it.
When he finally left the cabin and arrived at the dining hall, breakfast was almost over. He walked slowly to his table, deliberately avoiding the eyes of anyone who happened to look his way. His heart tripped out as he saw Ennis's back at the table, and he suddenly didn't know if he could do this.
As he hesitated, Justin looked up and spotted him. Justin's eyes lit up and he watched as Justin motioned to Ennis to look his way. Jack held his breath as Ennis turned around, and looked directly at him. Jack's instinct was to smile, but then he remembered. He could not smile at the boy who had broken his heart.
"You okay Jack? Hear you had a fall last night. Too many beers, huh?" Ryan's eyes were wide as he waited to hear Jack tell his side of the story. He wondered what Ennis had told them already. As long as he stuck with the story Meli had given them, he would not have to go into anything more.
"Yeah, too many beers," Jack replied, going along with Ryan's fun. Jack sat down next to Scott. He could feel all eyes on him, but it was only Ennis's that made any impact on him.
Jack's heart drummed so fast it began to hurt.
"You get your head checked out?" Ryan went on. "You might need a brain scan - to check you still have one."
"Drop it, Ryan," Ennis hissed. The atmosphere on the table changed instantly. No one said anything for what felt like hours, but only a few minutes had passed. Jack drank a glass of water, feeling dehydrated and confused. His mouth was dry and seemed to have lost the ability to speak.
"How you feelin'?" Ennis's words jolted Jack back to where he was.
"Just great, you?" Jack spit out the words with an intention to hurt. He held Ennis's stare until Ennis dropped his head. He watched as Ennis bit on his thumbnail. He wanted to tell Ennis to stop, but he also wanted to make Ennis feel bad, and wanted the nail to tear and bleed and sting. It would not compare with the agonising throb of hurt he was enduring, but it would do for now.
"Better, knowing you're okay," Ennis murmured. Jack had almost forgotten he'd asked Ennis the question, Ennis had taken so long to reply.
"No need to worry about me," Jack said flatly. "Can take care of myself."
"You needed help last night, Jack. If I hadn't got there…," Ennis stopped abruptly.
The air around him made Jack feel as thought he was talking through a long dark tunnel. He was at one end, and Ennis was at the other. By the time the words travelled down to the other side, they had changed and became something different. Simple words were making no sense.
"Yeah, well, thanks for getting help. Stupid of me to trip and fall in the lake." Jack laughed, and it sounded as false as every word he was saying. He became aware that everyone at the table were watching him and Ennis. He needed to bring the conversation back on to a less intense level, but he was having trouble with Ennis staring at him the way he was.
Jack looked at his watch and made an attempt to get things finished.
"Breakfast is over, guys, so you need to get on and over to your first activities."
"You gonna be teaching today, Jack?" Justin asked quietly. "Ennis told us it was a nasty fall."
Jack looked at Justin and smiled. "It wasn't as nasty as it looked. I'm okay. I had a good sleep and just need to get back in the water."
Justin nodded and left the table. The rest of the boys followed suit, no one commenting further on the nature of Jack's accident. It was all over, just like Meli had predicted.
"Jack." Howie came over and stood between him and Ennis. A look of deep concern covered Howie's face.
"How you doin'? Ennis explained to me what happened last night. You feelin' okay?"
"Yeah, I…I just took a fall but didn't hurt my head." Jack took a deep breath, preparing to tell his side of the cover story. "I know being out on camp at that time isn't allowed, but I was feeling ill, and thought I'd only be out for a few minutes."
"That's fine Jack, but try and stay away from the lake next time you feel ill, okay? It's lucky Ennis went looking for you. Not everyone has a co-counselor who'd care so much."
Jack received Howie's ironic words like a cruel blow to his heart.
"I sure realise how lucky I am. Thanks, Ennis." Jack forced himself to look at the boy who had brought him sweet joy since the moment they first met. The same boy who caused crushing sorrow to engulf him and swallow him whole. Ennis's face remained impassive as he nodded his acceptance.
"You get yourself checked over by Natasha, I take it?" Howie asked, oblivious to the suffocating situation between him and Ennis.
"I did, she gave me the all clear. Just want to get on with my job." Howie nodded in agreement.
"Great, well I'm just glad it wasn't more serious. Stay out of trouble, okay?" Howie smiled at them both and left them facing each other in a near empty dining hall. Jack made to leave, but Ennis held him back, grabbing his arm with a gentle touch.
"You really okay?" Ennis asked with heartfelt concern. Ennis dropped his hand as if realising where they were.
"I'm fine." Jack felt the loss of Ennis's hand even though he wished he didn't.
"You had me worried, Jack. You - you shouldn't have done that. The water was so cold."
Jack studied Ennis's face. He only saw true and open distress.
"Yeah it was cold. Couldn't feel it after a while though."
"Jack I - I'm sorry. I - I feel so bad about all this….," Ennis's unfinished sentence sat there like a time bomb, ticking away.
"You meant what you said last night?"
Jack held his breath as he watched Ennis's face for the sign that he hoped would be there. But when Ennis nodded his head, Jack knew all hope was gone.
"Then I don't want you to be sorry."
Jack walked away from Ennis, opened the door of the dining hall and didn't look back.
---
The next few days passed in a blur. Ennis went through the motions of each new day, waking up and doing the same thing he did the day before. He was only aware the days were not the same by the different classes he took, and a change in the weather. The night it rained for the first time brought a shift in the weather pattern that saw a sunny morning turn into a stormy afternoon, bringing with it thunder and lightening that unfurled itself with abandon, not just over the camp, but over the whole state.
Despite the rain, Ennis continued to look through the window of his workshop, and look out for Jack. To watch Jack perform his own duties was a constant for him, even if it brought him untold pain and agony. This was the only way he could observe Jack without it being remarked upon. He could study Jack and all his ways and not be scrutinised for it. His heart was torn and bruised and watching Jack was a form of self-inflicted punishment that he felt he deserved.
Jack had not spoken to Ennis since the day after the incident at the lake, save for discussions based on camp or cabin issues. Ennis was acutely aware of how difficult things were, but thankfully no one in the cabin had. He wondered if Justin suspected, since he seemed to watch Ennis like a hawk, but Ennis never asked, and Justin never said. The anguish he felt about it was too much sometimes to even think about, let alone talk about. And the only person he would want to talk about it with was the one person he couldn't talk about it with.
Meli had kept her distance and not interfered. She was clearly distressed by the situation, but would only ask the minimum of questions, and Ennis knew how hard that was for her. He wanted to ask Meli if she had talked to Jack, and what he had said, but couldn't bring himself to hear what the answer would be.
After two days of storms and threatened floods, there eventually came a day that delivered blue skies and calm waters to the camp. On a welcome break from classes, Ennis took a few stolen moments to feel the warm sun on his face.
He sat behind his workshop, out of view of everyone. He could still see the lake from where he was, and watched as Jack helped the water babies out of the lake and allowed them to hug and squeeze him in thanks for another fun time in his class.
He could just make out the smile on Jack's face, as each child took their turn being enveloped in Jack's arms. His heart pounded as he remembered how it felt to be held by Jack, to have Jack stroke his back, and the tender way Jack would trace his fingers along the base of his neck.
He wanted it so badly.
But he also wanted the pain to stop, he wanted to undo all the hurt he had caused Jack, but he didn't know how. He thought he had been doing the right thing. He thought he was giving Jack what he wanted. But the look on Jack's face when Ennis gave him the freedom he thought Jack wanted told him something else.
The soothing sound of the water as it lapped against the grassy bank began to calm him. His eyes scanned the water as it stretched out, further and further, until there was nothing more to see but the golden horizon in the distance, and just as the lake gave the impression it would go on forever, Ennis knew that if he looked hard enough, he would see that it didn't, not really.
------
Jack's days began to merge into one big stretch of time, where he would swim and teach and eat and sleep. The swimming and teaching he could do without any effort, but it was the eating and sleeping that caused him the greatest problems. His appetite had gone but he had to present an image to the boys that he was eating as normal, in order not to draw attention to himself.
Eating meant that he had to share a table with Ennis, and endure agonising periods of time when the effort of having to appear on normal speaking terms was sometimes harder than having to force some food down his throat. But eating meant he didn't have to think of something to talk about, and when he did, he usually ended up asking each boy in turn what they had done that day, if it was dinner, and what they would be doing, if it was breakfast, and give each boy his undivided attention. That way, by the time he had got around the table, the meal was finished and he could leave.
Sleeping was the hardest part of Jack's day. As much as he wished he didn't, he missed the night time ritual of sitting outside on the porch with Ennis, and would force himself to stay inside or go and have the longest shower he could possibly have before the water ran cold. The distance he had created between himself and Ennis was agonising, but he needed it for his own self-preservation.
Ennis had made his decision, and had not retracted it when Jack had given him the opportunity. His heart was breaking into even smaller pieces day by day, and there was nothing he could about it. He had to endure Ennis's presence at the time when he needed to be alone the most. As he tried to succumb to sleep, he could hear Ennis's breathing. He could see the outline of Ennis's face. And he knew, when he saw Ennis's hand creep underneath his pillow, he was grabbing hold of something that Jack did not have any more, and probably would never have again.
He hated Ennis. He did. He wanted Ennis to know.
When the storms cleared, Jack was thankful. On severe rainy days, Bob had to admit defeat and cancel all swim classes, despite Jack's pleas to carry on. Bob had told Jack he admired his commitment to the job, but he couldn't be allowing the children to be swimming in the rain, in cold water. The infirmary would be full in no time and angry parents would be lining up outside Howie's office.
When the sun finally came out, Jack was like an animal that had just come out of hibernation. If he could just focus everything he had on his job, then he could deal with everything else. That is what he told himself. His heart was telling him something else.
When he spotted Ennis sat outside the workshop, looking out to the lake, he thought he was done with hurting. He thought his body had managed to heal itself and he could work towards the end of camp so he could get away and leave behind the charred memories of the very thing that filled his dreams every night.
But watching Ennis watch him made the hurt feel as fresh and painful as though he had just that minute heard Ennis say he wanted this thing they had to be over. How did he think he would ever be over it?
"Take a break, Jack. We can cover for twenty minutes." Bob's voice penetrated his already clouded head and Jack turned to see Bob looking at him with concern.
Jack cleared his throat. "I'm fine, don't need a break."
"All this working your doing is great, like I've already told you," Bob went on, picking up a canoe paddle. "But whatever it is you're trying to forget, isn't going to disappear just because you swim ten extra lengths, or teach Louisa how to swim without both swimming aids instead of one."
Jack looked at Bob and laughed quietly when he realised the look on Bob's face was not of a frustrated employer, but one of a concerned parent. It occurred to him that he considered Bob to be more of a parent than his own ever had been.
"You can laugh, but I managed to swim ten lengths more in the time I could usually swim twenty when Wendy turned down my marriage proposal."
Jack's open mouthed look of shock led Bob to laugh out loud. "It's true. Thought it'd impress her."
"And did it? I mean I assume it did, since you're married now."
"Oh yeah it impressed her. Thought I was crazy, mind, but she said yes eventually."
"I wonder why she thought you were crazy."
"Hey, she can say that, she's my wife." They laughed and Bob placed the paddle down on the jetty and picked up Jack's baseball cap that was lying beside it. He placed it on Jack's head, and smiled.
"Something's going on, and I don't expect you to tell me, but it's changed you and not for the good. I want you to find it again, because you are too much of a good guy to be beaten down like this. So do me a favour? Humour me and take a break. Okay?"
If Jack had been overcome seeing Ennis looking out towards him, Bob's words penetrated a part of him he had tried to keep sealed up and separate. He could hardly speak but wanted Bob to know what his words meant to him.
"I wanna tell you…..," Jack began, but Bob shook his head.
"And I want you to tell me, but not here, and not when you feel like this. Now go before I have a mutiny when the others find out I've given you some time off."
Jack raised his hand in thanks, turned and wiped his eyes before anyone could see.
----
The noise coming from the cabin could be heard clearly outside as Jack walked up the steps and opened the door.
He saw Ryan first, who was holding a t-shirt in his hand. He looked at Ryan, who had been in animated conversation when Jack walked in. He was now silent, looking at Jack with a challenging smirk. The other boys filled the room and Jack suddenly sensed an uneasy shift in the atmosphere.
"What's going on guys?" Jack opened the question to everyone, keeping his voice serious and steady, not wanting to give Ryan an excuse to take charge. Ryan seemed to have other ideas.
"You recognise this t-shirt don't you, Jack?" Ryan held the t-shirt out for Jack to see. But Jack didn't need to see it. He knew who's t-shirt it was.
Before Jack could answer, Ryan continued, his eyes boring into Jack.
"I thought you might have missed it, since it's been gone for a while now. It turned up today. Laundry somehow misplaced it."
"Get to the point, Ryan," Jack said sternly, trying not to lose it, because he knew where this was heading.
"Me and Scott were sorting out the laundry when he picked this one up and put it on Ennis's bed." Ryan paused, playing for time.
"But I told Scott, this ain't Ennis's, cause I remembered - I got it from under your pillow."
Jack's heart began to thump hard against his chest. Damn, damn, damn.
"What made it confusing was Ennis's initials, written in the label."
Jack was beginning to sweat.
"How it'd get under your pillow, Jack?"
"Give me the t-shirt, Ryan," Jack said, holding his hand out. Ryan kept it close to him.
"You stealing people's clothes, Jack? That's not a good example to set us impressionable young boys." Jack's outstretched hand turned into a fist as his instinct urged him to slam it into Ryan's smug face.
"You've had your fun, now hand the t-shirt over."
"I still think you need to tell us how it got there. I mean, it's not like you need more clothes Jack. So why'd you take it?"
"Ryan, I'm warning you…"
"Just give him the t-shirt, Ryan," Justin piped up.
"Oh I should have known you'd defend him, he's one of your kind."
"What the hell you talking about?" Jack shouted.
"I remember how you defended him when I called him a fag. It's cause you're one."
"Ryan, you'd better shut your mouth…."
"I'm right, aren't I? You're a fag…you've been stealing Ennis's clothes, and holding on to it at night, dreaming about him. Jesus, it makes me sick."
"Ryan, this discussion ends right now!" Jack's voice reverberated around the cabin.
"Oh yeah? Why? I'm touching a nerve and you don't like it. No wonder you and my sister didn't last long. She's a girl and you ain't into them. You want Ennis, and he ain't interested. And why would he? He ain't a fag, like you."
"Ryan, can't you just drop it?" Justin was the only one apart from Jack who was challenging Ryan. Everyone else was either defending him or trying not to get involved, not sure what side to be on.
"Shut your mouth, you dirty queer……"
"Ryan! That's enough. Justin's not involved in this, and you have no right to say those things to him." Jack raised his voice and moved closer to Ryan to try and take control of a rapidly unravelling situation.
"I can say what I like, since I've been sharing a cabin with two queers. Ennis is gonna freak when he finds out."
Jack wanted to grab Ryan and shake him, and he knew he would have if the door hadn't opened right at that moment. Ennis walked in and Jack felt a mixture of relief and dread as he knew what was coming.
Ennis stared at Jack with a look of obvious confusion. Jack knew he couldn't say anything to Ennis, and didn't know how to begin to indicate what was going on. As bad as he was feeling, and as much as he wished he didn't care, he hoped Ennis wouldn't have to take what he already had from Ryan.
"Ennis!" Ryan ran over to Ennis like an eager child. "I found this t-shirt, it was under Jack's pillow, it's yours, see? The initials are inside. It's yours. He stole it from you so he could have it for himself."
Ennis looked at the t-shirt like he had never seen one before. Jack and the other boys were staring at Ennis, waiting for his reaction. The room was thick and heavy with a stifling air of apprehension.
Ennis looked up and straight at Jack. Jack's breath was suspended as he studied Ennis's face. Jack could not work anything out.
"Ain't you gonna say anything, Ennis? Jack's a fag and he's been lusting after you. Ain't you disgusted?"
"You'd better hush your mouth, Ryan," Ennis replied eventually, his voice as serious and as intimidating as Jack had ever heard it.
"Huh? What d'you mean? He's gay. He defended Justin and now we got two of 'em in here."
"Hush.Your.Mouth." The harsh tone in Ennis's voice caused the hair on the back of Jack's neck to rise up. He glanced at Ryan, who was looking at Ennis like Ennis had lost his mind.
Ryan shook his head vehemently. "I ain't keeping quiet about this, no way."
"Maybe Ennis is right," Scott interjected, looking at Ryan sheepishly.
"You'd do right to listen to Scott, and let this go," Ennis said, his words coming out of his mouth like heavy artillery.
"No way," Ryan said slowly, locking eyes with Ennis. "If you won't do anything about that queer sleeping in this cabin, then I will."
Before Jack could react, Ennis had Ryan pushed up against the wall, pinning Ryan's shoulders with a claw-like grip, his face pressed close to the boy's.
"You watch your mouth, boy," Ennis spat.
"Get the fuck off a me!" Ryan squealed, struggling to escape from Ennis's strong hold. Ennis held firm, pushing harder and his face growing darker.
"You apologise then I'll let you go."
"Ennis…." Jack grabbed Ennis's shoulder, pulling on the hard solid muscle but Ennis did not budge.
"I ain't fuckin' apologising for nothing! You get off me now or I'll report you for assault, I mean it!"
"Ennis! Get off him, please."
Jack could see the situation spiralling out of control fast and needed Ennis off Ryan before something serious and unstoppable happened.
Jack saw Ennis release his grip on Ryan and he quickly pulled Ennis away to allow Ryan to move off from the wall.
"Jesus, what the fuck!" Ryan screamed, as he headed towards the cabin door. "I'm fuckin' reporting you for assault, you're fuckin' crazy!"
"Ryan, calm down, we can sort this out here." Jack attempted to stop Ryan from leaving, but Ryan jumped away from Jack as though he'd just touched fire.
"Get the fuck off me, you freak! You think I'm gonna stay here with you two in charge? No fuckin' way! Scott," Ryan beckoned to his friend who was looking as stunned as everyone else in the cabin. "Come with me, I'll need you as a witness. Come on!"
Scott reluctantly stood up and followed Ryan out of the door.
"You gonna let him leave?" Justin asked Jack, who by now was leaning against the wall, trying to catch his breath.
"We can't stop him, Justin," Jack said wearily. "If we kept him here any longer, he could accuse us of keeping him prisoner."
Jack looked at Ennis who was sitting on his bed, his head bowed heavy between his legs, his breathing stuttered and loud. He felt a need to go and comfort Ennis, but his self-defences kicked in as he remembered all the hurt he'd endured because of this man.
The same man who had defended him against a relentless storm of abuse. He closed his eyes, not sure if he was ready to deal with the aftermath that was due to follow. But he had to at least try.
xxxxxx