Keep Your Head Down [11]
Pairings: YunJaeMin
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: boyxboy, mature content.
Summary: Jaejoong wants to be forgiven for leaving HoMin and they know what they want as retribution.
A/N: waddup i'm a keeper of promises and this fic shall see its end. shitty chapter sorry, kinda need to steer this story in a faster-ending direction. not edited, sorry again. happy reading!
Jaejoong continued to meet Yunho and Changmin a few times through the following months. It was always in his own apartment, since he refused to go to theirs, and they always ended up having dinner or drinks, sometimes with the lull of the TV in the background. Jaejoong would laugh along with them and he seemed to be gaining weight, though there was still a lingering sadness in his eyes, and he suddenly would grow quiet when in the past there was no stopping his blabbering mouth when he got excited.
Changmin noticed it more often than Yunho, and whenever his hyung would go quiet he would bump his hand against Jaejoong’s, sending him a tiny smile that got Jaejoong smiling back at him. Changmin also seemed to always be hovering around Jaejoong, much to Yunho’s annoyance.
Yunho would notice Changmin somehow always walking between him and Jaejoong, or sitting so close to him that if Yunho where to do the same it would only look petulant. He felt a tiny sense of victory every time he managed to greet Jaejoong with a kiss on the cheek, but there was no moving past that. Jaejoong would not accept any contact that went past the innocence of a peck on the cheek or a hug, maintaining their relationship completely platonic.
He told himself to be content with it. He knew he had screwed up badly and that the one that was suffering the most from it was definitely Jaejoong. It was also no surprise Changmin could get away with it. Even when they were dating, Jaejoong always harbored a soft spot for the maknae. Yoochun once theorized that it was because, after being the youngest in his family for so long, he finally had someone significantly younger to dote upon. Changmin took advantage of it even back then, and Yunho would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to a cold bed and the sound of Jaejoong and Changmin chatting quietly in the kitchen while Jaejoong prepared something for the younger man.
It did not use to make him jealous, but back then his importance in Jaejoong’s life was solidly established, while his position in the eldest life now seemed to be slowly shifting away from him. If anyone found him pouting lately, well he had every reason to be.
Life in general was also a little lonely.
He was still not on friendly terms with Changmin, though things were definitely better. They at least acknowledged each other and would even have amicable talks sometimes, but a thorny rivalry had sprung between them, slowly eroding away at the closeness they once shared. Even the make-up noonas had started to notice, constantly asking Yunho if there was something wrong, and the ones that knew about their fight asked if they still had not made up. He would always laugh and wave the matter away as if it was nothing serious though their interactions would remain cool and distant.
At least Changmin could go out with his ever-growing group of friends, both from the company and from outside, while Yunho found himself being dragged every once in a while to a club or a bar by Heechul or Donghae whenever he looked especially sad. Even Jaejoong had Junsu and Yoochun who were always in contact, if not physically then through text messages and calls.
Some days-when it got too bad-he would go to hospitals or to help in orphanages just to keep his head occupied. The company praised his efforts in bettering his image, but it was not really about that. The children and the elderly cheered him up, so he kept doing it, especially when he had free time and Jaejoong was not available.
Eventually JYJ’s album was finalized and promotional activities began. If the meetings with Jaejoong were few and far in-between, now they became pretty much nonexistent. Even the frequency of his texts decreased and phone calls were a rare gift, bestowed upon them only during some nights. Yunho caught Changmin once replaying JYJ’s teaser over and over, but he said nothing, being guilty of the same thing himself.
When the music video was released, Yunho came home to Changmin sitting in the living room, laptop open on his lap waiting for the video to be uploaded. Changmin was startled when he walked behind him, but relaxed visibly after Yunho left his jacket on the back of the sofa and went around it to join him.
“Still not up yet?” Yunho mumbled, resting his chin over Changmin’s shoulders to see the screen better. Changmin merely hummed in response, only being mildly annoyed at the physical contact but choosing to ignore it.
They waited together for a little bit, refreshing the page every once in a while. When the video was finally up, Changmin lunged forward so hard to press play that Yunho’s head bounced on his shoulder, making him let out a small yelp of pain. Changmin smirked at him as if saying ‘that’s what you get for being a clingy monkey’ but otherwise turned his face towards the screen, setting the video to high definition and full-screen.
The video was for a slightly upbeat song though the lyrics talked about heartbreak. When Jaejoong first appeared Yunho felt himself holding a breath. There was nothing that betrayed that Jaejoong had changed since the breakup. He looked just as-if not more-confident than when he was part of TVXQ and definitely more comfortable with his role than when JYJ had first started promoting as a separate group. His eye make-up was dark and he looked incredibly sexy in tight black clothing.
He noticed that the dance moves were still simpler than what they did in SM but he always knew Jaejoong and Yoochun were weak dancers, and it was probably for their benefit, seeing as Junsu could out-dance him any day. He smiled fondly at the memory of hours upon hours of dance practice with the three of them, trying to get everything right and laughing (but sometimes crying from frustration) when the so-called ‘soul mates’ got a step wrong.
The video was eventually over, showing a dark screen with the logo of CJeS and JYJ at the end. Neither man said anything for a minute, taking in all the emotions the video had given them. Yunho felt Changmin shift under his chin before he sighed.
“That was good,” he said simply.
Yunho nodded. “They’ve gotten better. Their dance is still not what it was though.”
Changmin snorted out a laugh. “They don’t have the dance dictator ruling over them anymore.”
“Hey!” Yunho punched him softly on the arm. “I got you to dance!”
Changmin rolled his eyes at the comment but did not say anything else. After that a strained silence seemed to stretch between the two, only interrupted by the soft humming of the computer’s fan.
“I miss him,” Yunho admitted softly, placing his head on Changmin’s shoulder again.
Changmin craned his neck to look at him and after a moment he placed his hand on Yunho’s knee.
“I miss him too,” he said, “Hell, I even miss Yoochun-hyung and Junsu-hyung too sometimes.”
“Yeah… they kind of hate us though,” Yunho said bitterly.
Changmin busied himself with scrolling through the comments, though there was nothing interesting, just some girls losing their marbles over the video.
“Maybe when they have a break we can get together and apologize to them,” Changmin suggested. “We’ve only met in bad circumstances lately.”
Yunho sighed, defeated. “You really don’t understand. Yoochun really hates me. They might forgive you but I think I’m not going to be so lucky. I’m beyond lucky just to have Jaejoong still talking to me.”
Changmin halted his scrolling, throwing a sad look at his hyung. Changmin was always really perceptive and he knew that as the youngest he got away with things no other member could get away with. What he had done was severe, but over time he could win his hyungs over. Yunho had already broken Jaejoong’s heart once before when he decided to stay in SM, and it only seemed like he kept doing it over and over again. It did not help how hostile he had been to the other two ex-members either. Of course Yoochun loathed him.
As if reading his thoughts Yunho flashed him a reassuring smile and gave the hand on his knee a brief squeeze.
“Play it again,” he requested, and Changmin was only happy to comply.
¨¨¨¨¨
The crowd exploded with cheers as the lights on the arena went black. They had just finished another concert and Jaejoong could feel the adrenaline still pumping through his body as he panted his way backstage, a towel already thrown over his shoulders and a half-empty bottle of water in his hand. The backup dancers either offered high-fives or pats on the shoulder that Jaejoong returned enthusiastically.
He had missed this.
When they had left SM he thought they might never get back on their feet, what with their old company blocking their every effort. It had all worked out in the end though. Japan was still out of their reach for now but the rest of the world still loved them and wanted to see them. Who cares if they could not promote on Korean TV? With the power of the internet it stopped being so important anymore. They still could put their songs out there for the fans, and the fans could still go to their concerts.
Yoochun and Junsu had been equally nervous when they first started, thinking they would be greeted onstage by an empty stadium. Their beloved Red Ocean stayed constant though, and while at first Jaejoong could not appreciate it-too wrapped up in his own pain and problems-it slowly became a source of comfort and normalcy in his life.
Now Jaejoong readily welcomed the ache in his muscles after a concert, especially after he had taken a shower and was ready to tuck himself into bed. Even if they went out with the dance crew later he felt happier. Better.
He had not called or texted Yunho or Changmin in days and though he still felt slightly guilty he had promised himself he would try to live in the moment. He had robbed himself of so much of that in the past, obsessing over what had been and not letting things run their course. Distance from Yunho and Changmin had also helped put things in perspective, and he realized that perhaps, despite their best attempts and however nice they had been behaving lately, being around them only made him sad again, reminding him of those long periods of self-doubt and abuse.
He needed time away from them to heal, at least for a while. He refused their advances while he was still in Seoul no matter how much he wanted to just give in, and then he made a point of only replying to them every once in a while. Yoochun was ecstatic when he noticed he was no longer sneaking around to manage a quick call or constantly staring at his phone waiting for a text, and even Junsu smiled proudly at him from time to time.
By the time they were ready to leave most fans had gone home, though a few stubborn ones still lingered around the back, trying to catch a glimpse of them even though it was late and the windows of their van were tinted.
Jaejoong took pity on the girls and lowered the window a crack, enough for his eyes to be seen, and for him to wave his fingers goodbye at them. The window had barely begun to descend when the muted screams outside reached ear-piercing levels and the girls crowded around the car, close enough to earn Jaejoong an annoyed grunt from the driver.
Jaejoong giggled amid screams of his name and ‘I love you oppa’s before Junsu rolled his eyes and after some waving of his own he pressed the button to raise the window again.
Yoochun tsk-ed at him, though he was smiling widely.
“What?” Jaejoong inquired, matching Yoochun’s smile.
“Nothing,” Yoochun said, shaking his head. “You just didn’t use to do that before. Not since our debut days at least.”
“It feels like our debut days,” Jaejoong replied, “the good ones at least. Back when we were still excited to have fans waiting for us outside the studio or the house.”
“Feels nice to still have fans, huh?” Yoochun mused.
Jaejoong nodded. “They make me happy.”
“I’m glad,” Yoochun said.
The three men smiled at each other, their eyes betraying their shared happiness and relief.
Jaejoong was doing alright. JYJ was doing alright.
Jaejoong ignored the buzzing of the phone in his pant pocket, just like he had been doing all day, letting his head loll back on the seat and sighing deeply. His muscles ached and he was a bit tired, but he did not feel at all worn out. He only felt the peace that came after all the excitement of being onstage.
It had been a good day.
>>
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: boyxboy, mature content.
Summary: Jaejoong wants to be forgiven for leaving HoMin and they know what they want as retribution.
A/N: waddup i'm a keeper of promises and this fic shall see its end. shitty chapter sorry, kinda need to steer this story in a faster-ending direction. not edited, sorry again. happy reading!
Jaejoong continued to meet Yunho and Changmin a few times through the following months. It was always in his own apartment, since he refused to go to theirs, and they always ended up having dinner or drinks, sometimes with the lull of the TV in the background. Jaejoong would laugh along with them and he seemed to be gaining weight, though there was still a lingering sadness in his eyes, and he suddenly would grow quiet when in the past there was no stopping his blabbering mouth when he got excited.
Changmin noticed it more often than Yunho, and whenever his hyung would go quiet he would bump his hand against Jaejoong’s, sending him a tiny smile that got Jaejoong smiling back at him. Changmin also seemed to always be hovering around Jaejoong, much to Yunho’s annoyance.
Yunho would notice Changmin somehow always walking between him and Jaejoong, or sitting so close to him that if Yunho where to do the same it would only look petulant. He felt a tiny sense of victory every time he managed to greet Jaejoong with a kiss on the cheek, but there was no moving past that. Jaejoong would not accept any contact that went past the innocence of a peck on the cheek or a hug, maintaining their relationship completely platonic.
He told himself to be content with it. He knew he had screwed up badly and that the one that was suffering the most from it was definitely Jaejoong. It was also no surprise Changmin could get away with it. Even when they were dating, Jaejoong always harbored a soft spot for the maknae. Yoochun once theorized that it was because, after being the youngest in his family for so long, he finally had someone significantly younger to dote upon. Changmin took advantage of it even back then, and Yunho would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to a cold bed and the sound of Jaejoong and Changmin chatting quietly in the kitchen while Jaejoong prepared something for the younger man.
It did not use to make him jealous, but back then his importance in Jaejoong’s life was solidly established, while his position in the eldest life now seemed to be slowly shifting away from him. If anyone found him pouting lately, well he had every reason to be.
Life in general was also a little lonely.
He was still not on friendly terms with Changmin, though things were definitely better. They at least acknowledged each other and would even have amicable talks sometimes, but a thorny rivalry had sprung between them, slowly eroding away at the closeness they once shared. Even the make-up noonas had started to notice, constantly asking Yunho if there was something wrong, and the ones that knew about their fight asked if they still had not made up. He would always laugh and wave the matter away as if it was nothing serious though their interactions would remain cool and distant.
At least Changmin could go out with his ever-growing group of friends, both from the company and from outside, while Yunho found himself being dragged every once in a while to a club or a bar by Heechul or Donghae whenever he looked especially sad. Even Jaejoong had Junsu and Yoochun who were always in contact, if not physically then through text messages and calls.
Some days-when it got too bad-he would go to hospitals or to help in orphanages just to keep his head occupied. The company praised his efforts in bettering his image, but it was not really about that. The children and the elderly cheered him up, so he kept doing it, especially when he had free time and Jaejoong was not available.
Eventually JYJ’s album was finalized and promotional activities began. If the meetings with Jaejoong were few and far in-between, now they became pretty much nonexistent. Even the frequency of his texts decreased and phone calls were a rare gift, bestowed upon them only during some nights. Yunho caught Changmin once replaying JYJ’s teaser over and over, but he said nothing, being guilty of the same thing himself.
When the music video was released, Yunho came home to Changmin sitting in the living room, laptop open on his lap waiting for the video to be uploaded. Changmin was startled when he walked behind him, but relaxed visibly after Yunho left his jacket on the back of the sofa and went around it to join him.
“Still not up yet?” Yunho mumbled, resting his chin over Changmin’s shoulders to see the screen better. Changmin merely hummed in response, only being mildly annoyed at the physical contact but choosing to ignore it.
They waited together for a little bit, refreshing the page every once in a while. When the video was finally up, Changmin lunged forward so hard to press play that Yunho’s head bounced on his shoulder, making him let out a small yelp of pain. Changmin smirked at him as if saying ‘that’s what you get for being a clingy monkey’ but otherwise turned his face towards the screen, setting the video to high definition and full-screen.
The video was for a slightly upbeat song though the lyrics talked about heartbreak. When Jaejoong first appeared Yunho felt himself holding a breath. There was nothing that betrayed that Jaejoong had changed since the breakup. He looked just as-if not more-confident than when he was part of TVXQ and definitely more comfortable with his role than when JYJ had first started promoting as a separate group. His eye make-up was dark and he looked incredibly sexy in tight black clothing.
He noticed that the dance moves were still simpler than what they did in SM but he always knew Jaejoong and Yoochun were weak dancers, and it was probably for their benefit, seeing as Junsu could out-dance him any day. He smiled fondly at the memory of hours upon hours of dance practice with the three of them, trying to get everything right and laughing (but sometimes crying from frustration) when the so-called ‘soul mates’ got a step wrong.
The video was eventually over, showing a dark screen with the logo of CJeS and JYJ at the end. Neither man said anything for a minute, taking in all the emotions the video had given them. Yunho felt Changmin shift under his chin before he sighed.
“That was good,” he said simply.
Yunho nodded. “They’ve gotten better. Their dance is still not what it was though.”
Changmin snorted out a laugh. “They don’t have the dance dictator ruling over them anymore.”
“Hey!” Yunho punched him softly on the arm. “I got you to dance!”
Changmin rolled his eyes at the comment but did not say anything else. After that a strained silence seemed to stretch between the two, only interrupted by the soft humming of the computer’s fan.
“I miss him,” Yunho admitted softly, placing his head on Changmin’s shoulder again.
Changmin craned his neck to look at him and after a moment he placed his hand on Yunho’s knee.
“I miss him too,” he said, “Hell, I even miss Yoochun-hyung and Junsu-hyung too sometimes.”
“Yeah… they kind of hate us though,” Yunho said bitterly.
Changmin busied himself with scrolling through the comments, though there was nothing interesting, just some girls losing their marbles over the video.
“Maybe when they have a break we can get together and apologize to them,” Changmin suggested. “We’ve only met in bad circumstances lately.”
Yunho sighed, defeated. “You really don’t understand. Yoochun really hates me. They might forgive you but I think I’m not going to be so lucky. I’m beyond lucky just to have Jaejoong still talking to me.”
Changmin halted his scrolling, throwing a sad look at his hyung. Changmin was always really perceptive and he knew that as the youngest he got away with things no other member could get away with. What he had done was severe, but over time he could win his hyungs over. Yunho had already broken Jaejoong’s heart once before when he decided to stay in SM, and it only seemed like he kept doing it over and over again. It did not help how hostile he had been to the other two ex-members either. Of course Yoochun loathed him.
As if reading his thoughts Yunho flashed him a reassuring smile and gave the hand on his knee a brief squeeze.
“Play it again,” he requested, and Changmin was only happy to comply.
¨¨¨¨¨
The crowd exploded with cheers as the lights on the arena went black. They had just finished another concert and Jaejoong could feel the adrenaline still pumping through his body as he panted his way backstage, a towel already thrown over his shoulders and a half-empty bottle of water in his hand. The backup dancers either offered high-fives or pats on the shoulder that Jaejoong returned enthusiastically.
He had missed this.
When they had left SM he thought they might never get back on their feet, what with their old company blocking their every effort. It had all worked out in the end though. Japan was still out of their reach for now but the rest of the world still loved them and wanted to see them. Who cares if they could not promote on Korean TV? With the power of the internet it stopped being so important anymore. They still could put their songs out there for the fans, and the fans could still go to their concerts.
Yoochun and Junsu had been equally nervous when they first started, thinking they would be greeted onstage by an empty stadium. Their beloved Red Ocean stayed constant though, and while at first Jaejoong could not appreciate it-too wrapped up in his own pain and problems-it slowly became a source of comfort and normalcy in his life.
Now Jaejoong readily welcomed the ache in his muscles after a concert, especially after he had taken a shower and was ready to tuck himself into bed. Even if they went out with the dance crew later he felt happier. Better.
He had not called or texted Yunho or Changmin in days and though he still felt slightly guilty he had promised himself he would try to live in the moment. He had robbed himself of so much of that in the past, obsessing over what had been and not letting things run their course. Distance from Yunho and Changmin had also helped put things in perspective, and he realized that perhaps, despite their best attempts and however nice they had been behaving lately, being around them only made him sad again, reminding him of those long periods of self-doubt and abuse.
He needed time away from them to heal, at least for a while. He refused their advances while he was still in Seoul no matter how much he wanted to just give in, and then he made a point of only replying to them every once in a while. Yoochun was ecstatic when he noticed he was no longer sneaking around to manage a quick call or constantly staring at his phone waiting for a text, and even Junsu smiled proudly at him from time to time.
By the time they were ready to leave most fans had gone home, though a few stubborn ones still lingered around the back, trying to catch a glimpse of them even though it was late and the windows of their van were tinted.
Jaejoong took pity on the girls and lowered the window a crack, enough for his eyes to be seen, and for him to wave his fingers goodbye at them. The window had barely begun to descend when the muted screams outside reached ear-piercing levels and the girls crowded around the car, close enough to earn Jaejoong an annoyed grunt from the driver.
Jaejoong giggled amid screams of his name and ‘I love you oppa’s before Junsu rolled his eyes and after some waving of his own he pressed the button to raise the window again.
Yoochun tsk-ed at him, though he was smiling widely.
“What?” Jaejoong inquired, matching Yoochun’s smile.
“Nothing,” Yoochun said, shaking his head. “You just didn’t use to do that before. Not since our debut days at least.”
“It feels like our debut days,” Jaejoong replied, “the good ones at least. Back when we were still excited to have fans waiting for us outside the studio or the house.”
“Feels nice to still have fans, huh?” Yoochun mused.
Jaejoong nodded. “They make me happy.”
“I’m glad,” Yoochun said.
The three men smiled at each other, their eyes betraying their shared happiness and relief.
Jaejoong was doing alright. JYJ was doing alright.
Jaejoong ignored the buzzing of the phone in his pant pocket, just like he had been doing all day, letting his head loll back on the seat and sighing deeply. His muscles ached and he was a bit tired, but he did not feel at all worn out. He only felt the peace that came after all the excitement of being onstage.
It had been a good day.
>>