Don't Fear the Bunny
Title Don't Fear the Bunny
Rating G (one bad word)
Characters Buffy Summers, Anya Jenkins, OMC
Summary So in discussion over at http://markwatches.net , we thought it would be cool if Anya met Bunnicula. This is that story. This takes place in season 7, since it didn't have a Halloween episode
Notes For some reason this came out as play format. I don't know why, but there you have it.
Don't Fear the Bunny
CHARACTERS
ANYA An ex-vengeance demon with a fear of bunnies and a blunt tongue.
BUFFY A Slayer with more important things to deal with
BOB A traveler with a mysterious companion, searching for answers
(The stage is dark, and a spotlight lands on ANYA)
ANYA Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. That traditional human holiday where children ask for candy from strangers, and nothing stirs. It is a night of rest for the supernatural-
(an offstage voice, male, yells 'NOT ALL HALLOWEENS", ANYA rolls her eyes and sighs)
ANYA Xander, I'm monologuing here. And I was getting to that before your rude interruption. Anyway. It is a rest of night for the supernatural. But not this Halloween. No, this Halloween, we faced a threat like no other, the very worst villain to ever come across my path, and trust me, I'm an ex-vengeance demon, and I know my villains. For this Halloween, I faced the evil known as-
(BUFFY walks in from stage left, dragging a man whose mouth has been taped shut. It is BOB)
BUFFY Do you know anything about this Anya? (She rips the tape off BOB's mouth)
ANYA I didn't do anything. Well, okay maybe I tied him up, but I didn't tie him that tightly. Someone had to warn the world about the evil he carries.
BUFFY Evil? Anya-
ANYA EVIL!
BOB Excuse me, but, um, wasn't this supposed to be my story? I mean, I came all this way.
ANYA Fine. (She walks stage right, as the light rises and reveals a dilapidated store front, THE MAGIC BOX.)
BOB (facing audience) My name is Bob Monroe. In 1979, my father's family found a strange animal on the side of the road. They named him Bunnicula, because of his fine pointed teeth. Later, they discovered that Bunnicula was indeed a vampire rabbit, but one that eats vegetables. As he lived on much past the age he should, they began to research his past. In that search, I found a town called Sunnydale, and knew that is the place I could find answers.
(BOB walks over to where ANYA is now sweeping on front of the store front. He picks up a covered cage, and approaches her.)
BOB Excuse me, but can you help me?
ANYA I'm sorry, the store was destroyed last year, and we've liquidated and sold it. I'm just taking a few things.
BOB Oh. Do you know where I could find Mr. Rupert Giles? I was assured he was an expert in the kind of research I need.
ANYA Sorry. He's out of town. But I'm the co-owner of the store, and, well, actually kind of an expert in the supernatural.
BOB Oh good. I was sort of wondering what you knew about vampires?
ANYA With or without a soul?
BOB Um, actually, rabbits.
(He uncovers the cage, revealing Bunnicula. ANYA looks at the cage, screams and runs to where BUFFY is still standing. They both run to the store)
BUFFY Okay, what's the emergency?
ANYA Only the worst evil ever! This is the First, I just know it.
BUFFY This man? Working for the First?
ANYA No! That creature in that cage! You're the Slayer! Slay it and save us all!
BOB (to BUFFY) Is she all right?
BUFFY Long story.
ANYA THERE IS A VAMPIRE BUNNY IN FRONT OF ME. WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING
BOB Actually, he only eats vegetables.
BUFFY Really? That's pretty reasonable, since bunnies don't eat meat. I'm guessing he's been around awhile?
BOB Yeah. I've been researching his history, trying to figure out just what he is.
(ANYA grabs BUFFY and pulls her aside)
ANYA Vampire. Bunny. We are in the middle of the greatest threat to mankind, and you are chit-chatting?
BUFFY Calm down. It's in a cage, and he says it's vegetarian. We'll be fine.
ANYA You're only taking his side because he's tall, dark and broody
BUFFY Whatever. Why don't we go see what we can find about your rabbit, Mr-"
BOB Munroe. Bob Monroe.
BUFFY Buffy Summers. Welcome to Sunnydale.
(the stage goes dark, and the three take their original positions onstage. A spotlight lands on BOB)
BOB So we went back to the Summers house, where I met a strange arrangement of people. A vampire with a soul, a former ball of mystical energy, a witch, girls who were Potential Slayers, a carpenter, and of course, the ex-vengeance demon. Who tied me up while I was sleeping and stole my rabbit. Which is where we began this strange tale
(The lights rise, revealing ANYA with the cage in her hand, and BUFFY and BOB just to her left)
ANYA I'm going to prove to you that this bunny is dangerous. (She pours a liquid over the animal. Nothing happens.) Oh.
BUFFY Was that holy water? Because I think you just proved Spike's point. Probably just some strange enchantment. A funny joke by a vampire. Maybe even Dracula-don't even think about forming right now I do not have time to deal with you.
ANYA But it's a vampire. A vampire rabbit.
BUFFY A wet vampire rabbit that you are going to take care of.
ANYABut I-fine.
(She walks off stage, carrying the cage)
BUFFY Sorry about that. She's kind of complex.
BOB This whole place is complex.
BUFFY You have no idea. So you off home then?
BOB Yeah. My dad owns a bookstore/magic shop in Cleveland.
BUFFY Cleveland?
BOB Yeah. Apparently it's the site of something called a Hellmouth? My dad moved there as soon as he found out. He's sort of obsessed with this sort of stuff.
BUFFY Well, maybe someday I'll come visit. After all, Hellmouths seem to be my specialty.
(ANYA walks back onstage, carrying the cage in one hand, and the bunny in the other.)
ANYA Look at him, he really is soft, isn't he? And sort of helpless, oh god I'm holding a vampire bunny. (She sets down the cage and puts it inside)
BUFFY Aw. Look, you've grown and changed and learned a lesson.
ANYA And you've found yourself yet another unattainable man
(BUFFY. sticks out her tongue. ANYA returns it.)
ANYA Anyway. Here's your bunny Mr. Munroe. I'd say I was sorry, but I'm not, and I don't say things I don't mean.
BUFFY It's true. We used to find it cute, but now it's just sort of annoying.
BOB Well, uh, it was nice meeting you, thanks for all the help.
( The girls nod and walk off stage, arguing.)
BOB I never did see them again. I often wondered if they survived what came. Bunnicula left me not long after that, escaping his cage one last time, and never returning. I'd like to think he found others like himself. As for me, I became a rogue demon hunter, fighting the good fight, and occasionally leaving a vegetable out. Just in case.
(The lights dim)
THE END
Rating G (one bad word)
Characters Buffy Summers, Anya Jenkins, OMC
Summary So in discussion over at http://markwatches.net , we thought it would be cool if Anya met Bunnicula. This is that story. This takes place in season 7, since it didn't have a Halloween episode
Notes For some reason this came out as play format. I don't know why, but there you have it.
Don't Fear the Bunny
CHARACTERS
ANYA An ex-vengeance demon with a fear of bunnies and a blunt tongue.
BUFFY A Slayer with more important things to deal with
BOB A traveler with a mysterious companion, searching for answers
(The stage is dark, and a spotlight lands on ANYA)
ANYA Halloween. All Hallow's Eve. That traditional human holiday where children ask for candy from strangers, and nothing stirs. It is a night of rest for the supernatural-
(an offstage voice, male, yells 'NOT ALL HALLOWEENS", ANYA rolls her eyes and sighs)
ANYA Xander, I'm monologuing here. And I was getting to that before your rude interruption. Anyway. It is a rest of night for the supernatural. But not this Halloween. No, this Halloween, we faced a threat like no other, the very worst villain to ever come across my path, and trust me, I'm an ex-vengeance demon, and I know my villains. For this Halloween, I faced the evil known as-
(BUFFY walks in from stage left, dragging a man whose mouth has been taped shut. It is BOB)
BUFFY Do you know anything about this Anya? (She rips the tape off BOB's mouth)
ANYA I didn't do anything. Well, okay maybe I tied him up, but I didn't tie him that tightly. Someone had to warn the world about the evil he carries.
BUFFY Evil? Anya-
ANYA EVIL!
BOB Excuse me, but, um, wasn't this supposed to be my story? I mean, I came all this way.
ANYA Fine. (She walks stage right, as the light rises and reveals a dilapidated store front, THE MAGIC BOX.)
BOB (facing audience) My name is Bob Monroe. In 1979, my father's family found a strange animal on the side of the road. They named him Bunnicula, because of his fine pointed teeth. Later, they discovered that Bunnicula was indeed a vampire rabbit, but one that eats vegetables. As he lived on much past the age he should, they began to research his past. In that search, I found a town called Sunnydale, and knew that is the place I could find answers.
(BOB walks over to where ANYA is now sweeping on front of the store front. He picks up a covered cage, and approaches her.)
BOB Excuse me, but can you help me?
ANYA I'm sorry, the store was destroyed last year, and we've liquidated and sold it. I'm just taking a few things.
BOB Oh. Do you know where I could find Mr. Rupert Giles? I was assured he was an expert in the kind of research I need.
ANYA Sorry. He's out of town. But I'm the co-owner of the store, and, well, actually kind of an expert in the supernatural.
BOB Oh good. I was sort of wondering what you knew about vampires?
ANYA With or without a soul?
BOB Um, actually, rabbits.
(He uncovers the cage, revealing Bunnicula. ANYA looks at the cage, screams and runs to where BUFFY is still standing. They both run to the store)
BUFFY Okay, what's the emergency?
ANYA Only the worst evil ever! This is the First, I just know it.
BUFFY This man? Working for the First?
ANYA No! That creature in that cage! You're the Slayer! Slay it and save us all!
BOB (to BUFFY) Is she all right?
BUFFY Long story.
ANYA THERE IS A VAMPIRE BUNNY IN FRONT OF ME. WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING
BOB Actually, he only eats vegetables.
BUFFY Really? That's pretty reasonable, since bunnies don't eat meat. I'm guessing he's been around awhile?
BOB Yeah. I've been researching his history, trying to figure out just what he is.
(ANYA grabs BUFFY and pulls her aside)
ANYA Vampire. Bunny. We are in the middle of the greatest threat to mankind, and you are chit-chatting?
BUFFY Calm down. It's in a cage, and he says it's vegetarian. We'll be fine.
ANYA You're only taking his side because he's tall, dark and broody
BUFFY Whatever. Why don't we go see what we can find about your rabbit, Mr-"
BOB Munroe. Bob Monroe.
BUFFY Buffy Summers. Welcome to Sunnydale.
(the stage goes dark, and the three take their original positions onstage. A spotlight lands on BOB)
BOB So we went back to the Summers house, where I met a strange arrangement of people. A vampire with a soul, a former ball of mystical energy, a witch, girls who were Potential Slayers, a carpenter, and of course, the ex-vengeance demon. Who tied me up while I was sleeping and stole my rabbit. Which is where we began this strange tale
(The lights rise, revealing ANYA with the cage in her hand, and BUFFY and BOB just to her left)
ANYA I'm going to prove to you that this bunny is dangerous. (She pours a liquid over the animal. Nothing happens.) Oh.
BUFFY Was that holy water? Because I think you just proved Spike's point. Probably just some strange enchantment. A funny joke by a vampire. Maybe even Dracula-don't even think about forming right now I do not have time to deal with you.
ANYA But it's a vampire. A vampire rabbit.
BUFFY A wet vampire rabbit that you are going to take care of.
ANYABut I-fine.
(She walks off stage, carrying the cage)
BUFFY Sorry about that. She's kind of complex.
BOB This whole place is complex.
BUFFY You have no idea. So you off home then?
BOB Yeah. My dad owns a bookstore/magic shop in Cleveland.
BUFFY Cleveland?
BOB Yeah. Apparently it's the site of something called a Hellmouth? My dad moved there as soon as he found out. He's sort of obsessed with this sort of stuff.
BUFFY Well, maybe someday I'll come visit. After all, Hellmouths seem to be my specialty.
(ANYA walks back onstage, carrying the cage in one hand, and the bunny in the other.)
ANYA Look at him, he really is soft, isn't he? And sort of helpless, oh god I'm holding a vampire bunny. (She sets down the cage and puts it inside)
BUFFY Aw. Look, you've grown and changed and learned a lesson.
ANYA And you've found yourself yet another unattainable man
(BUFFY. sticks out her tongue. ANYA returns it.)
ANYA Anyway. Here's your bunny Mr. Munroe. I'd say I was sorry, but I'm not, and I don't say things I don't mean.
BUFFY It's true. We used to find it cute, but now it's just sort of annoying.
BOB Well, uh, it was nice meeting you, thanks for all the help.
( The girls nod and walk off stage, arguing.)
BOB I never did see them again. I often wondered if they survived what came. Bunnicula left me not long after that, escaping his cage one last time, and never returning. I'd like to think he found others like himself. As for me, I became a rogue demon hunter, fighting the good fight, and occasionally leaving a vegetable out. Just in case.
(The lights dim)
THE END