The Archer Prince
TitleThe Archer Prince (Anastasia and Phillip Bedtime Stories, Part One)
RatingG
Pairings Natasha Romanov/Clint Barton, Steve Rogers/Clint Barton (sort of)
Word Count ~6000
Summary Princess Bride AU for the be-compromised promptathon
warningscrack, some out of characterness, crack
Notes everything I know about the actual Marvel universe is distorted and possibly wrong. Apparently I have a thing for PB Aus, and therefore stole a couple lines from my other one. Yes that says part one, because I already have story for Cap to tell. Unbetaed due to time constraints. (are there any other comms I should know to post this to?)
"Anastasia? Phillip? Your uncle is here!"
The twins groan and huddle in the bed they've decided they want to share today. They've had the flu, but are on the tail end of recovery.
"Mom, do we have to?"
Their mom pokes her head and gives them The Look.
"Last I checked, you are six years old and still have to do what I say. Plus, your uncle-"
"Died and lived to save the world," they chimed in together.
On that note, Uncle Cap strides through the door.
"I've got this, Natasha," he says. "Go help Clint with target practice or something."
She rolls her eyes. "Like he needs any help. Be good for your uncle."
She leaves and shuts the door.
"I brought a story," Cap says, holding up a book.
Phillip groans, "Uncle Cap, Green Eggs and Ham is for babies."
Cap sits in the chair by the bed, and looks at the book.
"But I like it. It has witty rhymes and a fine moral lesson."
"We want a new story," Phillip says, "with a Prince and a Princess."
"But the Princess has to be awesome," Ana interrupts.
"And lots of action," Phillip says.
"Maybe a little kissing is okay."
"And no one dies," they finished together.
"Not even the bad guys?" Uncle Cap asks.
The twins shake their heads.
Cap thinks for a minute. Then he remembers the movie Tony made him watch last week (they are up to the 80s in the Captain Cultural Reacquaintance project), and thinks he can adapt it.
"Okay, once upon a time, there lived a handsome boy who lived on a farm. In fact, he was one of the most handsome boys in the realm…"
*
Clint is one of those boys who at first seems ordinary, but the more you are aware of him, the handsomer he becomes (and in fact, by the time this story ends, he will be the handsomest man in all of Marvel). He excels at archery, and one day, hopes to join Prince Steve's soldiers, or wander the land, winning tournaments and possibly the hand of a fair lady.
Until the girl comes, that is. Clint's father hires a new hand, and his daughter comes too. It turns out she is excellent with horses, and Clint's mother takes her in and asks her to help around the house too.
Clint, ever the spoiled only child, is jealous. So instead of making friends, he calls her Farm Girl, and ignores her most of the time. Every time he asks her to do something, she gives him a rude gesture and walks away. But if she asks him anything, he mockingly bows and says 'As you wish.'
As they get older, Clint soon realizes he's fallen in love with Natasha, and that every time he says those words, he's admitting as such. One day, when he's practicing with targets, she watches him curiously.
"Is there something you needed, Farm Girl?"
"We have a problem."
"We do?"
She nods. "I think I'm terribly in love with you."
"Why is that a problem?"
"Because we have no money, and your parents would never approve."
"Then I'll go sailing, earn some money," he puts down his bow.
"You will not! And waste those fine hands on ropes? I don't think so. I'm the one who needs money anyway, and I won't let you risk yourself for me. I'll go."
"As you wish," he says.
She steps towards him, "Do I get a kiss goodbye?"
"As you wish."
*
"Uh, so, uh, they kissed and she left."
"Why are you blushing, Uncle Cap?" Phillip asks.
"I bet they were using tongues," Ana says.
"Ewww."
"Anyway," Cap says, "Three months after Natasha left to find her fortune..."
*
The S. S. Shield was overtaken by the Dread Pirate Whedon two days ago. Our condolences are with you and your family.
Clint sets the paper on the table. The Dread Pirate Whedon never left survivors. He grabs his bow, and ignoring the queries of his parents, goes outside. He shoots until his arm is numb, and never misses the center of the target.
"I shall never love again."
Years Later
Clint looks across the table at Prince Steve's right hand man, who was wearing a horned helmet, and carrying a stick with a strange ornament. It was sort of fascinating, and matched the hint of blue in the Prince's eyes.
"I'm not sure I understand," Clint says.
Loki sighs, "You marry the Prince, attend all the functions-"
"No, that I get. But don't you need an heir?"
"Heirs, schmeirs," Loki says, "besides this is fanfic, there will be children. He'll have to carry, he has better hips."
"What?"
"Nothing, just muttering to myself. You are the handsomest man in the whole land of Marvel, next to of course, the Prince, and he wants someone as pretty as him on his arm."
"I did not say that, Count Loki, not at all!"
Loki leans over and whispers in the Prince's ear, and the Prince nods.
"He does have fine arms," the Prince says.
"I would never love you," Clint says.
"This is a contract, not a fairytale," Loki says.
"Do I get to compete in the archery tournament?"
"Sure," Loki says.
"I'm in."
So Clint trains to be a Prince, and the people love him, but he is ever certain he is losing himself. His only consolation is riding through the forest to practice shooting from horseback. On this particular ride, he encounters a motley trio of men.
"I don't believe I have ever seen a green man. Or one quite that large," Clint remarks.
"Ah, but we are a trio of poor circus performers, separated from our troupe," the one with the terrible goatee says.
"That's odd, I haven't seen anyone for miles."
"Good. Just as I planned. Hulk? Smash gently."
Clint reaches for an arrow, and then all is black.
*
He wakes in a boat. He knows it's a nice one by the size, and the fact he's handcuffed to a pretty comfortable bed.
"Good Morning Prince, my name is Tony. I tied you down you because you look like a jumper, and I don't like jumpers. I'm trying to start a war here, and I don't need distractions."
"So you're going to kill me?"
Tony smiles and strokes his goatee, "Why would you say that?"
"You were monologuing," Clint says. "People only do that before they try to kill me."
"You've only been engaged a year."
"And I've been the subject of three hundred and forty-three assassination attempts. Including this."
"This is more than that. Once I am done, the lands of Marvel and Deecee will be in civil war."
"How that," the green man asks.
Tony rolls his eyes. "I left the sign of the bat, the known sigil of the Protector of Deecee at the scene of the crime. Once Prince Steve finds it, he will be enraged. Once he finds the body of his beloved on the shores of Deecee, war. It's quite simple really. But apparently not simple enough for you, Hulk."
"Not nice," Hulk says.
"Do you want me to bring the snow and make some ice?"
Clint turns his head to the man steering the ship. He is somewhere between Tony and Hulk in size, blond, beautiful and wearing what looked like a helmet with wings on it.
"Thor, I told you about those rhymes," Tony says.
"Yes, yes, we do not have the time," Thor says, and suddenly, the boat shifts.
Clint turns back, and instead of seeing Hulk, there is a naked man laughing.
"Amateurs! I am dealing with amateurs! You better hope he gets mad again before we reach the shore!"
Tony stalks off to the captain's cabin, and Clint leans back and closes his eyes. This is a dream. A terrible dream brought on by wedding anxiety.
"Tony! Tony the Stark!"
Clint opens them again, and swears he hears Hulk/naked man mutter something about an ark before Tony rushes to see what Thor is yelling about.
"What is it now?"
"There's a boat on the horizon."
"You said we could not be followed!"
Thor looks at Tony. "I said no one could use my winds. I call the powers of the wind, so they must too."
"Never mind, they'll never catch up in time, it's the Cliffs of Insanity!"
"Aren't those riddled with bats? No one can survive those caves," Clint says.
"That's why we're climbing," Tony laughs. "Hulk, you better get angry, and get in place."
Clint watches Hulk walk past, and Tony follows.
"Did he just say something about my face?"
Clint looks at Tony. "I believe he did. So he's going to carry us up?"
"That's the plan. Then I kill you."
"I don't like this plan."
"You don't have to," Tony says.
Clint realizes his muscles don't want to move, so even if he wanted to fight, he probably couldn't. Thor picks him up and Clint is over a shoulder, giving him a friendly pat on the butt.
"I know, I know, nice ass," Clint says.
"I think I'll pass," Thor says, and Clint isn't sure if he's joking.
When they reach the cliffs, Hulk is big and green again, and Tony has rigged some contraption of ropes and leather around him. Clint slowly stretches his muscles, trying to relieve himself of the pins and needles, and it occupies him as they slowly make their way up the cliffs.
"You know, I have a meeting later today, Hulk, I'd like to actually make it."
"Hulk fast."
"Maybe in Hulk time, but not in Tony the Stark time. Move it!"
Hulk moves imperceptibly faster, and Clint watches a boat pull next to Tony's. It's sleek, black, and if boats could be dangerous, this is one. Someone, all in black from Clint's eyes, on a mission.
"Tony the Stark, someone is following us, and catching up!"
Tony rolls his eyes, "Thank you, Thor, for your ever insightful commentary. Hulk, faster!"
"Hulk fast!"
They reach the top and throw the rope over the side. Clint sighs, because there is no way he's going to be ready to fight. He is going to die.
*
"He doesn't die, though."
Ana and Phillip blink.
"What?"
"He doesn't die," Cap says. "You looked worried."
"Just tell us the story, Uncle Cap," Ana says, "and I want to hear more about Thor. Tell it from his side."
"Fine."
*
"Tony the Stark, the man is still climbing," Thor says, looking over the cliff.
"Why does everyone have to ruin my perfectly good schedule? Fine," Tony says, "Hulk, get the Prince here, and Thor, you take care of whoever is climbing that cliff."
"I think I will set my hammer down."
Tony sighs, "Thor. Please, just knock them down."
"Too easy. I need practice if I am ever to find my father's attacker."
"Fine. Just do it."
Thor looks at Tony, then over to their latest job. He wonders how a son of Asgard got stuck with such humans, but remembers his father. He has been searching for Loki for years, and every path leads to the land of Marvel. Yet Thor cannot seem to find his adopted brother. It's very odd, so Thor hires himself out as muscle from time to time, renowned for his work with the hammer (although since the hammer is enchanted, it is sort of cheating), and finally landing with Tony the Stark. He's arrogant, greedy, and smart. Thor mostly likes him.
"I will meet with you in the bar where you hired me," Thor says, "and you will toast my success."
"Of course."
Thor walks over to Hulk, who is carrying Clint.
"Bruce Hulk, my friend, may the rhymes always find you. You are the only man who has ever defeated me, may I never admit it aloud again," he says.
"Hulk honored."
Thor nods, and sits to await the man in black.
"I do not wish to interrupt, but could I perhaps summon a wind to blow you to the top of this cliff?"
Thor looks over the cliff-the man is not there.
"I would, if I were still climbing."
Thor looks behind his shoulder.
"You are a woman."
"You are very observant," the woman in black says. "It was the breasts, wasn't it?"
Thor blinks, "Do you need time to catch your breath before I fight you?"
"Fight me? That's strange for someone who wanted to help me up the cliff."
"I must say, I have only fought one other woman. But I need the challenge if ever I find my brother."
"Your brother?" The woman sits on a rock and tilts her head, "Do tell."
"We were raised together, Loki and I, and for years, my father promised a powerful hammer to the son who proved himself worthy. Loki, in his cunning evil way, sought to steal it. I stopped him, but not until after he injured my father. I have searched for him for years, and know he is hiding somewhere in the land of Marvel. When I find him, I will go up to him and say, 'I am Thor Odinson, you injured our father, prepare for vengeance.' Last I knew, he had a blue scepter of power. Have you seen him?"
"No. But I heard a rumor of a similar man-"
"Do not try to fool me, woman, for I have this tale before."
"I had to try," she shrugs, and flicks her wrists, bringing knives to her hands.
"To me!" Thor yells to his hammer.
To his surprise, the woman ducks, rolls, and grabs his arm before the hammer reaches it. So it hits him in the face. He falls to the ground, unconscious.
"Strategy is obviously not one of your great strengths, Thor Odinson. I hope you find your vengeance," she says, running to follow the tracks of the others.
*
"So you're the Incredible Hulk," the woman says when the Hulk steps from behind a rock.
"Hulk famous."
"Now, I'd volunteer to fight you, but I think you may have the best of me."
"Hulk big."
The woman smiles, "Perhaps I'll dance a jig."
The Hulk relaxes, a smile-what the woman in black hopes is a smile-spreading across his face.
"Hulk green?"
"And a mighty fighting machine."
"Lady mask?"
"Ah, it's an affectation, I'm so glad you could ask."
"Hulk defeat you."
"Let me pass, I beseech you."
The Hulk sits on the ground, making it shake, and he is the naked man again.
"Beseech? That's just unfair," he says.
"I don't play fair."
She walks up to him and hits him. He slumps to the ground.
"You seem a nice man, for a monster. Sleep well, and dream of large poems."
*
Clint struggles against the ropes, his arms beginning to lose feeling again. Tony the Stark has stopped at what looks like a picnic area, and is muttering to himself about mind games. Then a woman all in black approaches.
"Now you seem to have passed both Thor and Hulk, which means you are strong and quick. But you are not smart enough to pass me," Tony says.
"Of course not sir," the woman responds. "There's been a terrible mistake."
"Mistake? I don't make mistakes."
"Oh no sir, it has been all my fault. I approached you in entirely the wrong way, when all I have is a message from your wife."
"My wife? Well bring it here then. I didn't realize she'd hired a pirate as a messenger."
The woman shrugs. "I was convenient."
She walks up to Tony and hands him a parchment. Then she hits the back of his head with her fist. He collapses.
"You really should find a healthier career field. You certainly have the brains for it."
She kneels in front of Clint and cuts the ropes.
"Too bad I had to do that. It was rather nice to look at. Let's go."
Clint doesn't move.
"Your legs are fine. Now move, unless you want him to wake up and kill you before your arms regain feeling."
Clint stands and follows her.
*
"We'll rest here."
"I know who you are," Clint says. "I had no idea the Dread Pirate Whedon was a woman."
"A secret I intend on keeping."
Clint snorts. "Then why haven't you killed me yet?"
Whedon smiles, "Perhaps I like to see you suffer."
"No matter, Steve will find you, and I will be avenged."
"Your love will never catch me."
"I do not love him."
Whedon sits, taking a moment to clean one of her knives.
"You mean you have no capacity for love. I have seen you in many tournaments, your cold face and dark demeanor."
"I have loved deeper than any ocean you have ever sailed, and you took it from me."
"Me? Do tell."
Clint turns away, "Her eyes were much like yours, but her hair was a golden sunrise, and she could command a horse with a smile and down a man with a laugh."
"Ah, yes, the farm girl. I remember her-she died well, pleading for her lost archer."
"You can die too, for all I care," Clint stands to push her down the ravine, but she grabs his shirt and they tumble down together.
"As you wish," she whispers.
"'Tasha?"
*
"Uh, the two have a lovely reunion until they hear horses in the distance," Cap says.
"Were they kissing again? Mom and Dad do that all the time," Phillip says.
"They're in love, silly," Ana says.
"Anyway," Cap continues, "They hear horses in the distance and realize it's Prince Steve."
*
"Your Prince seems to have found us," Natasha says.
"He is a rather good hunter. Terrible kisser though."
"Oh really?"
Clint grins and shrugs. "So now what?"
"Well, we can't climb the ravine, so I suppose we'll have to go into the Fire Swamp."
"The Fire Swamp that no one survives?"
"Yes, that one."
"Bring it."
*
"So I've been meaning to ask, how is it that you are the Dread Pirate Whedon, when she's been marauding for almost twenty years and you've only been gone for five?"
Natasha laughs, "Well, what I said about telling her about you was true. She was intrigued, especially when I told her about your arms, so she took me in. Every night she would say, 'Tasha, you have learned much today, but soon I will rip your heart out and feed on your despair.' Every night for almost six months. Until finally she took me in her cabin and confessed something: 'I am not the Dread Pirate Whedon. My name is Summer, and I took over from a woman named Noxon, who took over from a woman named Espenson, who inherited the title from a man named George Martin, who inherited it from the original pirate Whedon, who is retired somewhere in Marvel, writing his memoirs, or so I've heard.' She gave me the job, we changed crews and I dyed my hair and that was that. It's the name that's important."
"I see," Clint says. "So where do I join up and become your first mate?"
"Actually, I've amassed enough money for us to buy a small island and retire in peace, if you'd like."
"That works too. You know, this isn't so bad, the Fire Swamp."
Natasha nods and looks around. They have discovered the fire is but bursts of gas, the quicksand pits are nothing but small dunes of sand, and-
Natasha puts a finger to her lips, and whispers, "We haven't seen the F.O.U.S's yet."
"Fangirls of Unending Shrieking? I don't think they-"
"OH MY GOD IT'S THE PRINCE OF MARVEL. LOOK AT HIS ARMS!!"
Natasha's face goes white as the masses attack Clint. He ducks and rolls, avoiding the crowd, and swings up into a tree to avoid their hands.
"WE ONLY WANT A MOMENT WITH YOU SWEET PRINCE!!!"
"Wait! What's that over there? Is that the bat and the man of steel? Together? GO GET THEM," Natasha shrieks.
The mass runs to the east, leaving behind nothing but a trail of bent over grass and a few glittery scarves.
"That was close," Clint says. "Good thinking there."
Natasha shrugs, "Now that we've taken care of that, all we have to do is get to my boat and we are free."
They walk to the end of the forest, where Prince Steve and Count Loki (and the army of Marvel) are waiting.
"Hello, my Prince," Steve says.
"You cannot take us," Natasha says, standing in front of Clint, "we have survived much worse."
"Kill the girl," Loki says, "Protect the Princes."
The archers draw back and aim.
"Blue. It's all blue," Clint says.
"What are-"
"Tasha, it's blue," he pushes her out of the way. "I'll come with you. Do not hurt her, she rescued me from others."
Natasha looks at Clint with horror, but says nothing.
"I have to go now, Tasha. It's blue. You go back to the ship, she's a sailor with the Dread Pirate Whedon. You should take her back there, Loki."
Clint climbs onto Steve's horse, and doesn't look back as they ride away. The archers are still ready.
"Come now, my lady, let's go to your ship," Loki says.
"Please," Natasha says, "don't lie. Wait. Loki? Your brother was looking for you."
*
Ever since his adventure, Clint has been dreaming. It's not as blue as it used to be, not with Count Loki being gone all the time (and somewhere in the back of his head Clint knows something is going on, but he can't say what), and it's all bad. He dreams the King is dead, and he marries Steve and is unhappy. He dreams that he leaves Natasha a thousand different ways, and she never looks at him again. One day, he wakes up, and the King is dead. He marries Steve in an early morning ceremony, with only the Queen as a witness. Then he and Steve go out into the court to be introduced as the new Kings of-
"Wait. He can't marry Steve, he marries Natasha," Ana says.
"Yeah, and they totally defeat the evil Prince and his stupid Count in an awesome bloody battle," Phillip says.
"It's not that simple," Cap says. "Do you want me to tell the story or not?"
They both pout. Ana crosses her arms, and Phillip sighs heavily.
"Fine," Cap says, "as I was saying, 'They go out to be introduced as the new Kings of Marvel. Clint waves and smiles, and goes to shake the hands of the people, when they all turn to dust-"
"I knew it was a dream," Ana says.
Clint wakes two weeks before his wedding, and knows what he must do. He goes to the Prince's chamber.
"I love her. More than I'll love anything else in this world. If I marry you in two weeks, know I will be dead that night, because my heart will stop."
Steve looks up from the desk.
"Oh. Okay. You said she was a pirate right?"
Clint nods.
"Then we'll send my four fastest ships to send word to her. She will come?"
"No matter what."
"If she doesn't, you would consider me as an alternative? I promise I am nothing but honorable," Steve says.
"Maybe," Clint says, and he leaves the room.
"He really is quite the charmer," Loki says, stepping out of the shadows.
Steve nods absently.
"It's going to be so sad when you strangle him on your wedding night and I have to take over the Kingdom."
"What?"
Loki walks over to the desk and puts his hand on Steve's arm.
"Nothing my Prince, it's all blue."
"Blue," Steve says. "What about the assassins?"
"I'm having the Thieves' Corner being cleared out now. Don't you worry," Loki says. "Now I have something to take care of, so don't do anything without my advice, right?"
"Blue."
*
Natasha counts silently to herself, trying to keep her focus as a man tends to her wounds.
"Shh," he says, "I won't hurt you."
"Why not? This is a torture chamber," Natasha says.
"It was," the man says, "but this is just a holding room. When Loki comes-"
"Oh, don't blabber everything now, Dr. Selvig. Don't mind him, my lady," Loki says, "he's just a minor character that ties me to other things."
"No problem," Natasha says. "I was just wondering when the torture was going to start."
"Torture?" Loki laughs, "I'm not going to torture you. You would survive that. No, I'm just going to make everything…blue."
"Blue?"
Natasha looks at the staff he holds, and lets out a scream as he lowers it to her heart.
*
Hulk goes where the captain tells him. There is one last man in the Thieves' Quarter, a drunk Norseman with a hammer. Hulk knocks out the captain when he hears this, and goes to find his friend.
"Go away," Thor yells, "I must stay here until I find Loki!"
"Everything okie-dokey," Hulk says.
Thor smiles, and looks up at him. "Hulk! Come in, have a drink."
"First, I have to shrink," Hulk says as he turns back into Bruce.
Hulk takes Thor inside, sobers him up, and tells him how he was hired by Count Loki. Thor is stunned, and angry.
"How has he escaped my notice?"
"Apparently he enchants people with his staff. I was big and stupid, so apparently didn't need it," Hulk says.
"Then I must find him."
"He's got the gate to the castle guarded by five hundred men, all of them who know Hulk's weakness for rhymes."
"Damn, it, I need Tony the Stark," Thor says.
"Last I heard, he was stuck in a messy divorce and is terribly unavailable," Hulk says.
"I need someone to plan. Someone smart. That pirate woman. Where is she?"
"Well, Loki did say something about having a special prisoner, and she was after the Archer Prince-"
"Come, we will find her. She will make our plans. I'll need your bigger self."
They head out of Thieves' Corner when they hear the scream. They run towards it, and find themselves alone in the forest. An old man is wandering there, carrying a bow and arrow.
"Excuse us," Thor says, "but we are looking for our sister. She has red hair, and may have said she was a pirate?"
"I know nothing. It is blue," the man says.
"Hulk, could you help him remember?"
Hulk knocks on the man's head and he collapses.
"Hulk sorry."
"Never mind, we will find her, I will call on the gods to-"
Thor stops and stares at the figure walking towards him. It is the woman in black, the pirate he needs. Her face is completely blank, and her eyes are bright blue.
"Great lady," Thor says, "I beseech your help."
"Blue," she says, "I am blue. You are blue."
She collapses.
"No!" Thor yells.
"Do you have any money?" Hulk says, crouching down in his man form.
"Why?"
"We need a miracle. I may know where to buy one."
*
Hulk carries the woman, leading Thor to a small shack. Thor knocks on the door.
"I am looking for the Miracle Man known as Parker," he says.
"I don't know that name!"
Thor looks at Hulk.
"Please, it is urgent," Thor says.
"Why would you want a Miracle Man who was fired by the great King Fury?"
"You're my only hope. She has been bewitched by an evil magical staff, you really can't do worse."
The door opens, and a very young man stands there.
"Fine. But don't tell anyone. Technically I don't have the rights to even be in Marvel right now."
Thor enters, and takes the woman from the Hulk.
"My brother-"
"Shhh. I'm a scientist," Parker says, "let me test."
He passes a hand in front of the woman's face, and makes a loud noise. He peels back an eye.
"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
She moans slightly.
"TELL ME YOUR NAME."
"Blueeeeeeee," she mumbles.
"I see," Parker says.
"So is there a potion? A spell? A prayer to the gods?"
Parker shakes his head. "No, things like this, there's only one cure."
He lifts up her head, and slams it into the table. He jumps away and climbs the wall before Thor can get to him.
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME," he yells.
"Tashaaaa."
"See," Parker says, "she's better. Now I think you should leave, before I'm found out."
"If she is not better-"
"I know, I know, you'll kill me, blah blah blah. Go."
Parker watches them leave.
"I wonder if I should have told them that she'll be disoriented and woozy for most of the day. Oops."
*
Thor and the Hulk help Natasha to a wall that faces the castle.
"I need your help. My brother is in that castle, as is the Archer Prince. Five hundred guard the wall, but they know the Hulk's weakness, and I can only fight so many."
"Nnnnnnnngggghhh," Natasha says.
"I don't understand."
"Her brain hurt. All blue. Now normal," Hulk says.
"Ah yes, she has been mostly possessed all day," Thor says.
"Can't be done," Natasha says, straining to think. "Now, if I had a bow and arrow, and some quill and parchment, then we'd be talking."
"What did we do with that bow the man in the forest had?"
Hulk pulls it out of a bag, along with some quill and parchment. "Parker had. I steal."
Natasha smiles. "Can either of you shoot?"
They shake their head.
"Hope I can regain arm function before tonight then."
*
Clint realizes two things the night of his wedding: Steve never sent the ships, and he is going to die this night. Everything else is blue, but he has enough thought left for that. He dresses and accompanies Steve to the church.
"This will be nice," Steve assures him. "Nice and blue."
"Blue," Clint repeats.
Loki is there, staff in hand. There is a priest, mumbling about marriage and love and the meaning of two souls joining. Then there is a commotion outside. Clint smiles. It must be his Natasha. Loki signals for Gatekeeper Coulson and the others to go outside. Then he whispers in the priest's ear.
"Man and wife," the priest says.
Clint blinks. He's married. He's married and Natasha isn't here. Steve begs his father to escort Clint to their room so he can help Loki with whatever invasion is coming. Clint walks with King Fury, and shakes his hand.
"You seem a good King. I wish you wouldn't have to pay for my funeral."
"The Archer Prince called me a good King," Fury says. "Blue!"
*
Coulson trembles as another arrow hits the door. There is another note attached:
"LEAVE NOW. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. ~THE DREAD PIRATE WHEDON."
Everyone else has run off screaming. Finally, a large blond man in a cape approaches the door.
"Give me the gate key."
"I-"
"Hulk, rip off this man's arms."
"I don't want to die! I always am first to be hurt! Here it is!"
Coulson runs.
Thor grins, and Hulk and Natasha follow him into the castle. Loki and many guards wait for them.
"LOKI! My name is Thor Odinson, you are my brother, and I will have vengeance!"
Loki turns and runs.
"Changed it up?" Natasha asks.
"I like variety," Thor says as they dispatch all the guards. He runs after them.
"Go on, go help him," Natasha says. "I'll be fine."
Of course, when Hulk returns, she will be gone.
*
Thor turns the corner, and then the staff is through his shoulder.
"I can enchant you too," Loki purrs. "Stupid brother, I can enchant anyone."
Thor slumps to the floor, his hand tightening around the hammer.
"All these years you searched for me, and I was right in front of your face. You idiot. I couldn't believe a simple enchantment would keep you away, but you were never good at subtlety, brother."
"My name is Thor Odinson, you hurt our father, and he will be avenged!"
Loki rolls his eyes.
"You will obey."
Thor pulls the staff out of his shoulder with his free hand and stands.
"My name is Thor Odinson, we were brothers, and vengeance is mine!"
"Shut up already, you are my tool."
Thor throws the staff on the floor.
"My name is Thor Odinson, we are enemies, and this is your punishment!"
Thor swings the hammer, and Loki screams as the staff shatters. He falls to the ground, holding his head in pain. Thor holds his hammer and calls to the gods of Asgard to take Loki away.
"My name is Thor Odinson, I once called you brother, and my father has been avenged."
*
Clint lays out the knives on the table, picking the one he thinks will kill him the quickest. He holds it to his chest.
"There are few perfect pecs in this world, why would you ruin yours?"
"Natasha?"
He walks to the bed. She smiles at him.
"Natasha, I got married."
"No you didn't."
"I did," Clint says. "There was a priest, he said man and wife."
"There you go. Are you a wife?"
"No."
"Did you say I do?"
"No," Clint laughs, "it's just all so blue."
"I can fix that," Natasha says, and knocks his head against the bedpost.
"Ow."
"I would never hurt you like that."
Clint turns and looks at Prince Steve.
"Steve, it's-"
Steve holds out a sword. "I'll challenge her for your hand."
"No," Natasha says. "I challenge you, for his hand."
"That's what I said."
Natasha stands carefully, "I know but I'm just distracting you until Thor takes care of Loki's-"
There is a loud scream, and Steve flinches, holding his head.
"-staff," Natasha finishes.
"I, I-"
"Hulk here! Hulk Help!"
Clint limps to the window, "I think we're good actually."
Steve is sitting in a chair, "What a long strange nightmare. I suppose I don't have an advisor now. Who will help me run the kingdom?"
Clint and Natasha share a look.
"Actually, there's a guy I know, just got divorced, really smart, filthy rich, so he won't try to use you. His name's Tony the Stark," Clint says.
"I have heard of him. I knew his father."
"Then hire him," Natasha says.
"What about you?"
"I'm kidnapping this one, and running away. If you're looking for muscle, Hulk is pretty reliable. And I think I might try to convince Thor he'd make a good pirate."
Clint and Natasha pat Steve on the back, and find Thor in the corridors. They go out of the castle, where Hulk is waiting with four white horses. They convince Hulk to stay, and ride off into the sunset. As the castle disappears in the distance-
*
"They realize that everything is going to be okay and live happily ever after, the end," Cap says.
"What, no kiss?"
"I thought you didn't like the kissing parts, Phillip."
Phillip shrugs, "I guess one at the end isn't so bad."
"How about you, Ana?"
"Go for it, Uncle Cap."
"Well then," Cap says, "as they castle disappears behind them, Clint and Natasha stop and lean into a kiss. Of all the kisses in the world, it's the most romantic and the most fulfilling. Even hotter than that one in The Notebook."
(Cap is pretty proud of that, even he's seen The Notebook)
"That was a good story," Ana says.
"Yeah, you think you could come and read us another one, sometime?" Phillip asks.
"As you wish."
RatingG
Pairings Natasha Romanov/Clint Barton, Steve Rogers/Clint Barton (sort of)
Word Count ~6000
Summary Princess Bride AU for the be-compromised promptathon
warningscrack, some out of characterness, crack
Notes everything I know about the actual Marvel universe is distorted and possibly wrong. Apparently I have a thing for PB Aus, and therefore stole a couple lines from my other one. Yes that says part one, because I already have story for Cap to tell. Unbetaed due to time constraints. (are there any other comms I should know to post this to?)
"Anastasia? Phillip? Your uncle is here!"
The twins groan and huddle in the bed they've decided they want to share today. They've had the flu, but are on the tail end of recovery.
"Mom, do we have to?"
Their mom pokes her head and gives them The Look.
"Last I checked, you are six years old and still have to do what I say. Plus, your uncle-"
"Died and lived to save the world," they chimed in together.
On that note, Uncle Cap strides through the door.
"I've got this, Natasha," he says. "Go help Clint with target practice or something."
She rolls her eyes. "Like he needs any help. Be good for your uncle."
She leaves and shuts the door.
"I brought a story," Cap says, holding up a book.
Phillip groans, "Uncle Cap, Green Eggs and Ham is for babies."
Cap sits in the chair by the bed, and looks at the book.
"But I like it. It has witty rhymes and a fine moral lesson."
"We want a new story," Phillip says, "with a Prince and a Princess."
"But the Princess has to be awesome," Ana interrupts.
"And lots of action," Phillip says.
"Maybe a little kissing is okay."
"And no one dies," they finished together.
"Not even the bad guys?" Uncle Cap asks.
The twins shake their heads.
Cap thinks for a minute. Then he remembers the movie Tony made him watch last week (they are up to the 80s in the Captain Cultural Reacquaintance project), and thinks he can adapt it.
"Okay, once upon a time, there lived a handsome boy who lived on a farm. In fact, he was one of the most handsome boys in the realm…"
*
Clint is one of those boys who at first seems ordinary, but the more you are aware of him, the handsomer he becomes (and in fact, by the time this story ends, he will be the handsomest man in all of Marvel). He excels at archery, and one day, hopes to join Prince Steve's soldiers, or wander the land, winning tournaments and possibly the hand of a fair lady.
Until the girl comes, that is. Clint's father hires a new hand, and his daughter comes too. It turns out she is excellent with horses, and Clint's mother takes her in and asks her to help around the house too.
Clint, ever the spoiled only child, is jealous. So instead of making friends, he calls her Farm Girl, and ignores her most of the time. Every time he asks her to do something, she gives him a rude gesture and walks away. But if she asks him anything, he mockingly bows and says 'As you wish.'
As they get older, Clint soon realizes he's fallen in love with Natasha, and that every time he says those words, he's admitting as such. One day, when he's practicing with targets, she watches him curiously.
"Is there something you needed, Farm Girl?"
"We have a problem."
"We do?"
She nods. "I think I'm terribly in love with you."
"Why is that a problem?"
"Because we have no money, and your parents would never approve."
"Then I'll go sailing, earn some money," he puts down his bow.
"You will not! And waste those fine hands on ropes? I don't think so. I'm the one who needs money anyway, and I won't let you risk yourself for me. I'll go."
"As you wish," he says.
She steps towards him, "Do I get a kiss goodbye?"
"As you wish."
*
"Uh, so, uh, they kissed and she left."
"Why are you blushing, Uncle Cap?" Phillip asks.
"I bet they were using tongues," Ana says.
"Ewww."
"Anyway," Cap says, "Three months after Natasha left to find her fortune..."
*
The S. S. Shield was overtaken by the Dread Pirate Whedon two days ago. Our condolences are with you and your family.
Clint sets the paper on the table. The Dread Pirate Whedon never left survivors. He grabs his bow, and ignoring the queries of his parents, goes outside. He shoots until his arm is numb, and never misses the center of the target.
"I shall never love again."
Years Later
Clint looks across the table at Prince Steve's right hand man, who was wearing a horned helmet, and carrying a stick with a strange ornament. It was sort of fascinating, and matched the hint of blue in the Prince's eyes.
"I'm not sure I understand," Clint says.
Loki sighs, "You marry the Prince, attend all the functions-"
"No, that I get. But don't you need an heir?"
"Heirs, schmeirs," Loki says, "besides this is fanfic, there will be children. He'll have to carry, he has better hips."
"What?"
"Nothing, just muttering to myself. You are the handsomest man in the whole land of Marvel, next to of course, the Prince, and he wants someone as pretty as him on his arm."
"I did not say that, Count Loki, not at all!"
Loki leans over and whispers in the Prince's ear, and the Prince nods.
"He does have fine arms," the Prince says.
"I would never love you," Clint says.
"This is a contract, not a fairytale," Loki says.
"Do I get to compete in the archery tournament?"
"Sure," Loki says.
"I'm in."
So Clint trains to be a Prince, and the people love him, but he is ever certain he is losing himself. His only consolation is riding through the forest to practice shooting from horseback. On this particular ride, he encounters a motley trio of men.
"I don't believe I have ever seen a green man. Or one quite that large," Clint remarks.
"Ah, but we are a trio of poor circus performers, separated from our troupe," the one with the terrible goatee says.
"That's odd, I haven't seen anyone for miles."
"Good. Just as I planned. Hulk? Smash gently."
Clint reaches for an arrow, and then all is black.
*
He wakes in a boat. He knows it's a nice one by the size, and the fact he's handcuffed to a pretty comfortable bed.
"Good Morning Prince, my name is Tony. I tied you down you because you look like a jumper, and I don't like jumpers. I'm trying to start a war here, and I don't need distractions."
"So you're going to kill me?"
Tony smiles and strokes his goatee, "Why would you say that?"
"You were monologuing," Clint says. "People only do that before they try to kill me."
"You've only been engaged a year."
"And I've been the subject of three hundred and forty-three assassination attempts. Including this."
"This is more than that. Once I am done, the lands of Marvel and Deecee will be in civil war."
"How that," the green man asks.
Tony rolls his eyes. "I left the sign of the bat, the known sigil of the Protector of Deecee at the scene of the crime. Once Prince Steve finds it, he will be enraged. Once he finds the body of his beloved on the shores of Deecee, war. It's quite simple really. But apparently not simple enough for you, Hulk."
"Not nice," Hulk says.
"Do you want me to bring the snow and make some ice?"
Clint turns his head to the man steering the ship. He is somewhere between Tony and Hulk in size, blond, beautiful and wearing what looked like a helmet with wings on it.
"Thor, I told you about those rhymes," Tony says.
"Yes, yes, we do not have the time," Thor says, and suddenly, the boat shifts.
Clint turns back, and instead of seeing Hulk, there is a naked man laughing.
"Amateurs! I am dealing with amateurs! You better hope he gets mad again before we reach the shore!"
Tony stalks off to the captain's cabin, and Clint leans back and closes his eyes. This is a dream. A terrible dream brought on by wedding anxiety.
"Tony! Tony the Stark!"
Clint opens them again, and swears he hears Hulk/naked man mutter something about an ark before Tony rushes to see what Thor is yelling about.
"What is it now?"
"There's a boat on the horizon."
"You said we could not be followed!"
Thor looks at Tony. "I said no one could use my winds. I call the powers of the wind, so they must too."
"Never mind, they'll never catch up in time, it's the Cliffs of Insanity!"
"Aren't those riddled with bats? No one can survive those caves," Clint says.
"That's why we're climbing," Tony laughs. "Hulk, you better get angry, and get in place."
Clint watches Hulk walk past, and Tony follows.
"Did he just say something about my face?"
Clint looks at Tony. "I believe he did. So he's going to carry us up?"
"That's the plan. Then I kill you."
"I don't like this plan."
"You don't have to," Tony says.
Clint realizes his muscles don't want to move, so even if he wanted to fight, he probably couldn't. Thor picks him up and Clint is over a shoulder, giving him a friendly pat on the butt.
"I know, I know, nice ass," Clint says.
"I think I'll pass," Thor says, and Clint isn't sure if he's joking.
When they reach the cliffs, Hulk is big and green again, and Tony has rigged some contraption of ropes and leather around him. Clint slowly stretches his muscles, trying to relieve himself of the pins and needles, and it occupies him as they slowly make their way up the cliffs.
"You know, I have a meeting later today, Hulk, I'd like to actually make it."
"Hulk fast."
"Maybe in Hulk time, but not in Tony the Stark time. Move it!"
Hulk moves imperceptibly faster, and Clint watches a boat pull next to Tony's. It's sleek, black, and if boats could be dangerous, this is one. Someone, all in black from Clint's eyes, on a mission.
"Tony the Stark, someone is following us, and catching up!"
Tony rolls his eyes, "Thank you, Thor, for your ever insightful commentary. Hulk, faster!"
"Hulk fast!"
They reach the top and throw the rope over the side. Clint sighs, because there is no way he's going to be ready to fight. He is going to die.
*
"He doesn't die, though."
Ana and Phillip blink.
"What?"
"He doesn't die," Cap says. "You looked worried."
"Just tell us the story, Uncle Cap," Ana says, "and I want to hear more about Thor. Tell it from his side."
"Fine."
*
"Tony the Stark, the man is still climbing," Thor says, looking over the cliff.
"Why does everyone have to ruin my perfectly good schedule? Fine," Tony says, "Hulk, get the Prince here, and Thor, you take care of whoever is climbing that cliff."
"I think I will set my hammer down."
Tony sighs, "Thor. Please, just knock them down."
"Too easy. I need practice if I am ever to find my father's attacker."
"Fine. Just do it."
Thor looks at Tony, then over to their latest job. He wonders how a son of Asgard got stuck with such humans, but remembers his father. He has been searching for Loki for years, and every path leads to the land of Marvel. Yet Thor cannot seem to find his adopted brother. It's very odd, so Thor hires himself out as muscle from time to time, renowned for his work with the hammer (although since the hammer is enchanted, it is sort of cheating), and finally landing with Tony the Stark. He's arrogant, greedy, and smart. Thor mostly likes him.
"I will meet with you in the bar where you hired me," Thor says, "and you will toast my success."
"Of course."
Thor walks over to Hulk, who is carrying Clint.
"Bruce Hulk, my friend, may the rhymes always find you. You are the only man who has ever defeated me, may I never admit it aloud again," he says.
"Hulk honored."
Thor nods, and sits to await the man in black.
"I do not wish to interrupt, but could I perhaps summon a wind to blow you to the top of this cliff?"
Thor looks over the cliff-the man is not there.
"I would, if I were still climbing."
Thor looks behind his shoulder.
"You are a woman."
"You are very observant," the woman in black says. "It was the breasts, wasn't it?"
Thor blinks, "Do you need time to catch your breath before I fight you?"
"Fight me? That's strange for someone who wanted to help me up the cliff."
"I must say, I have only fought one other woman. But I need the challenge if ever I find my brother."
"Your brother?" The woman sits on a rock and tilts her head, "Do tell."
"We were raised together, Loki and I, and for years, my father promised a powerful hammer to the son who proved himself worthy. Loki, in his cunning evil way, sought to steal it. I stopped him, but not until after he injured my father. I have searched for him for years, and know he is hiding somewhere in the land of Marvel. When I find him, I will go up to him and say, 'I am Thor Odinson, you injured our father, prepare for vengeance.' Last I knew, he had a blue scepter of power. Have you seen him?"
"No. But I heard a rumor of a similar man-"
"Do not try to fool me, woman, for I have this tale before."
"I had to try," she shrugs, and flicks her wrists, bringing knives to her hands.
"To me!" Thor yells to his hammer.
To his surprise, the woman ducks, rolls, and grabs his arm before the hammer reaches it. So it hits him in the face. He falls to the ground, unconscious.
"Strategy is obviously not one of your great strengths, Thor Odinson. I hope you find your vengeance," she says, running to follow the tracks of the others.
*
"So you're the Incredible Hulk," the woman says when the Hulk steps from behind a rock.
"Hulk famous."
"Now, I'd volunteer to fight you, but I think you may have the best of me."
"Hulk big."
The woman smiles, "Perhaps I'll dance a jig."
The Hulk relaxes, a smile-what the woman in black hopes is a smile-spreading across his face.
"Hulk green?"
"And a mighty fighting machine."
"Lady mask?"
"Ah, it's an affectation, I'm so glad you could ask."
"Hulk defeat you."
"Let me pass, I beseech you."
The Hulk sits on the ground, making it shake, and he is the naked man again.
"Beseech? That's just unfair," he says.
"I don't play fair."
She walks up to him and hits him. He slumps to the ground.
"You seem a nice man, for a monster. Sleep well, and dream of large poems."
*
Clint struggles against the ropes, his arms beginning to lose feeling again. Tony the Stark has stopped at what looks like a picnic area, and is muttering to himself about mind games. Then a woman all in black approaches.
"Now you seem to have passed both Thor and Hulk, which means you are strong and quick. But you are not smart enough to pass me," Tony says.
"Of course not sir," the woman responds. "There's been a terrible mistake."
"Mistake? I don't make mistakes."
"Oh no sir, it has been all my fault. I approached you in entirely the wrong way, when all I have is a message from your wife."
"My wife? Well bring it here then. I didn't realize she'd hired a pirate as a messenger."
The woman shrugs. "I was convenient."
She walks up to Tony and hands him a parchment. Then she hits the back of his head with her fist. He collapses.
"You really should find a healthier career field. You certainly have the brains for it."
She kneels in front of Clint and cuts the ropes.
"Too bad I had to do that. It was rather nice to look at. Let's go."
Clint doesn't move.
"Your legs are fine. Now move, unless you want him to wake up and kill you before your arms regain feeling."
Clint stands and follows her.
*
"We'll rest here."
"I know who you are," Clint says. "I had no idea the Dread Pirate Whedon was a woman."
"A secret I intend on keeping."
Clint snorts. "Then why haven't you killed me yet?"
Whedon smiles, "Perhaps I like to see you suffer."
"No matter, Steve will find you, and I will be avenged."
"Your love will never catch me."
"I do not love him."
Whedon sits, taking a moment to clean one of her knives.
"You mean you have no capacity for love. I have seen you in many tournaments, your cold face and dark demeanor."
"I have loved deeper than any ocean you have ever sailed, and you took it from me."
"Me? Do tell."
Clint turns away, "Her eyes were much like yours, but her hair was a golden sunrise, and she could command a horse with a smile and down a man with a laugh."
"Ah, yes, the farm girl. I remember her-she died well, pleading for her lost archer."
"You can die too, for all I care," Clint stands to push her down the ravine, but she grabs his shirt and they tumble down together.
"As you wish," she whispers.
"'Tasha?"
*
"Uh, the two have a lovely reunion until they hear horses in the distance," Cap says.
"Were they kissing again? Mom and Dad do that all the time," Phillip says.
"They're in love, silly," Ana says.
"Anyway," Cap continues, "They hear horses in the distance and realize it's Prince Steve."
*
"Your Prince seems to have found us," Natasha says.
"He is a rather good hunter. Terrible kisser though."
"Oh really?"
Clint grins and shrugs. "So now what?"
"Well, we can't climb the ravine, so I suppose we'll have to go into the Fire Swamp."
"The Fire Swamp that no one survives?"
"Yes, that one."
"Bring it."
*
"So I've been meaning to ask, how is it that you are the Dread Pirate Whedon, when she's been marauding for almost twenty years and you've only been gone for five?"
Natasha laughs, "Well, what I said about telling her about you was true. She was intrigued, especially when I told her about your arms, so she took me in. Every night she would say, 'Tasha, you have learned much today, but soon I will rip your heart out and feed on your despair.' Every night for almost six months. Until finally she took me in her cabin and confessed something: 'I am not the Dread Pirate Whedon. My name is Summer, and I took over from a woman named Noxon, who took over from a woman named Espenson, who inherited the title from a man named George Martin, who inherited it from the original pirate Whedon, who is retired somewhere in Marvel, writing his memoirs, or so I've heard.' She gave me the job, we changed crews and I dyed my hair and that was that. It's the name that's important."
"I see," Clint says. "So where do I join up and become your first mate?"
"Actually, I've amassed enough money for us to buy a small island and retire in peace, if you'd like."
"That works too. You know, this isn't so bad, the Fire Swamp."
Natasha nods and looks around. They have discovered the fire is but bursts of gas, the quicksand pits are nothing but small dunes of sand, and-
Natasha puts a finger to her lips, and whispers, "We haven't seen the F.O.U.S's yet."
"Fangirls of Unending Shrieking? I don't think they-"
"OH MY GOD IT'S THE PRINCE OF MARVEL. LOOK AT HIS ARMS!!"
Natasha's face goes white as the masses attack Clint. He ducks and rolls, avoiding the crowd, and swings up into a tree to avoid their hands.
"WE ONLY WANT A MOMENT WITH YOU SWEET PRINCE!!!"
"Wait! What's that over there? Is that the bat and the man of steel? Together? GO GET THEM," Natasha shrieks.
The mass runs to the east, leaving behind nothing but a trail of bent over grass and a few glittery scarves.
"That was close," Clint says. "Good thinking there."
Natasha shrugs, "Now that we've taken care of that, all we have to do is get to my boat and we are free."
They walk to the end of the forest, where Prince Steve and Count Loki (and the army of Marvel) are waiting.
"Hello, my Prince," Steve says.
"You cannot take us," Natasha says, standing in front of Clint, "we have survived much worse."
"Kill the girl," Loki says, "Protect the Princes."
The archers draw back and aim.
"Blue. It's all blue," Clint says.
"What are-"
"Tasha, it's blue," he pushes her out of the way. "I'll come with you. Do not hurt her, she rescued me from others."
Natasha looks at Clint with horror, but says nothing.
"I have to go now, Tasha. It's blue. You go back to the ship, she's a sailor with the Dread Pirate Whedon. You should take her back there, Loki."
Clint climbs onto Steve's horse, and doesn't look back as they ride away. The archers are still ready.
"Come now, my lady, let's go to your ship," Loki says.
"Please," Natasha says, "don't lie. Wait. Loki? Your brother was looking for you."
*
Ever since his adventure, Clint has been dreaming. It's not as blue as it used to be, not with Count Loki being gone all the time (and somewhere in the back of his head Clint knows something is going on, but he can't say what), and it's all bad. He dreams the King is dead, and he marries Steve and is unhappy. He dreams that he leaves Natasha a thousand different ways, and she never looks at him again. One day, he wakes up, and the King is dead. He marries Steve in an early morning ceremony, with only the Queen as a witness. Then he and Steve go out into the court to be introduced as the new Kings of-
"Wait. He can't marry Steve, he marries Natasha," Ana says.
"Yeah, and they totally defeat the evil Prince and his stupid Count in an awesome bloody battle," Phillip says.
"It's not that simple," Cap says. "Do you want me to tell the story or not?"
They both pout. Ana crosses her arms, and Phillip sighs heavily.
"Fine," Cap says, "as I was saying, 'They go out to be introduced as the new Kings of Marvel. Clint waves and smiles, and goes to shake the hands of the people, when they all turn to dust-"
"I knew it was a dream," Ana says.
Clint wakes two weeks before his wedding, and knows what he must do. He goes to the Prince's chamber.
"I love her. More than I'll love anything else in this world. If I marry you in two weeks, know I will be dead that night, because my heart will stop."
Steve looks up from the desk.
"Oh. Okay. You said she was a pirate right?"
Clint nods.
"Then we'll send my four fastest ships to send word to her. She will come?"
"No matter what."
"If she doesn't, you would consider me as an alternative? I promise I am nothing but honorable," Steve says.
"Maybe," Clint says, and he leaves the room.
"He really is quite the charmer," Loki says, stepping out of the shadows.
Steve nods absently.
"It's going to be so sad when you strangle him on your wedding night and I have to take over the Kingdom."
"What?"
Loki walks over to the desk and puts his hand on Steve's arm.
"Nothing my Prince, it's all blue."
"Blue," Steve says. "What about the assassins?"
"I'm having the Thieves' Corner being cleared out now. Don't you worry," Loki says. "Now I have something to take care of, so don't do anything without my advice, right?"
"Blue."
*
Natasha counts silently to herself, trying to keep her focus as a man tends to her wounds.
"Shh," he says, "I won't hurt you."
"Why not? This is a torture chamber," Natasha says.
"It was," the man says, "but this is just a holding room. When Loki comes-"
"Oh, don't blabber everything now, Dr. Selvig. Don't mind him, my lady," Loki says, "he's just a minor character that ties me to other things."
"No problem," Natasha says. "I was just wondering when the torture was going to start."
"Torture?" Loki laughs, "I'm not going to torture you. You would survive that. No, I'm just going to make everything…blue."
"Blue?"
Natasha looks at the staff he holds, and lets out a scream as he lowers it to her heart.
*
Hulk goes where the captain tells him. There is one last man in the Thieves' Quarter, a drunk Norseman with a hammer. Hulk knocks out the captain when he hears this, and goes to find his friend.
"Go away," Thor yells, "I must stay here until I find Loki!"
"Everything okie-dokey," Hulk says.
Thor smiles, and looks up at him. "Hulk! Come in, have a drink."
"First, I have to shrink," Hulk says as he turns back into Bruce.
Hulk takes Thor inside, sobers him up, and tells him how he was hired by Count Loki. Thor is stunned, and angry.
"How has he escaped my notice?"
"Apparently he enchants people with his staff. I was big and stupid, so apparently didn't need it," Hulk says.
"Then I must find him."
"He's got the gate to the castle guarded by five hundred men, all of them who know Hulk's weakness for rhymes."
"Damn, it, I need Tony the Stark," Thor says.
"Last I heard, he was stuck in a messy divorce and is terribly unavailable," Hulk says.
"I need someone to plan. Someone smart. That pirate woman. Where is she?"
"Well, Loki did say something about having a special prisoner, and she was after the Archer Prince-"
"Come, we will find her. She will make our plans. I'll need your bigger self."
They head out of Thieves' Corner when they hear the scream. They run towards it, and find themselves alone in the forest. An old man is wandering there, carrying a bow and arrow.
"Excuse us," Thor says, "but we are looking for our sister. She has red hair, and may have said she was a pirate?"
"I know nothing. It is blue," the man says.
"Hulk, could you help him remember?"
Hulk knocks on the man's head and he collapses.
"Hulk sorry."
"Never mind, we will find her, I will call on the gods to-"
Thor stops and stares at the figure walking towards him. It is the woman in black, the pirate he needs. Her face is completely blank, and her eyes are bright blue.
"Great lady," Thor says, "I beseech your help."
"Blue," she says, "I am blue. You are blue."
She collapses.
"No!" Thor yells.
"Do you have any money?" Hulk says, crouching down in his man form.
"Why?"
"We need a miracle. I may know where to buy one."
*
Hulk carries the woman, leading Thor to a small shack. Thor knocks on the door.
"I am looking for the Miracle Man known as Parker," he says.
"I don't know that name!"
Thor looks at Hulk.
"Please, it is urgent," Thor says.
"Why would you want a Miracle Man who was fired by the great King Fury?"
"You're my only hope. She has been bewitched by an evil magical staff, you really can't do worse."
The door opens, and a very young man stands there.
"Fine. But don't tell anyone. Technically I don't have the rights to even be in Marvel right now."
Thor enters, and takes the woman from the Hulk.
"My brother-"
"Shhh. I'm a scientist," Parker says, "let me test."
He passes a hand in front of the woman's face, and makes a loud noise. He peels back an eye.
"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
She moans slightly.
"TELL ME YOUR NAME."
"Blueeeeeeee," she mumbles.
"I see," Parker says.
"So is there a potion? A spell? A prayer to the gods?"
Parker shakes his head. "No, things like this, there's only one cure."
He lifts up her head, and slams it into the table. He jumps away and climbs the wall before Thor can get to him.
"WHAT IS YOUR NAME," he yells.
"Tashaaaa."
"See," Parker says, "she's better. Now I think you should leave, before I'm found out."
"If she is not better-"
"I know, I know, you'll kill me, blah blah blah. Go."
Parker watches them leave.
"I wonder if I should have told them that she'll be disoriented and woozy for most of the day. Oops."
*
Thor and the Hulk help Natasha to a wall that faces the castle.
"I need your help. My brother is in that castle, as is the Archer Prince. Five hundred guard the wall, but they know the Hulk's weakness, and I can only fight so many."
"Nnnnnnnngggghhh," Natasha says.
"I don't understand."
"Her brain hurt. All blue. Now normal," Hulk says.
"Ah yes, she has been mostly possessed all day," Thor says.
"Can't be done," Natasha says, straining to think. "Now, if I had a bow and arrow, and some quill and parchment, then we'd be talking."
"What did we do with that bow the man in the forest had?"
Hulk pulls it out of a bag, along with some quill and parchment. "Parker had. I steal."
Natasha smiles. "Can either of you shoot?"
They shake their head.
"Hope I can regain arm function before tonight then."
*
Clint realizes two things the night of his wedding: Steve never sent the ships, and he is going to die this night. Everything else is blue, but he has enough thought left for that. He dresses and accompanies Steve to the church.
"This will be nice," Steve assures him. "Nice and blue."
"Blue," Clint repeats.
Loki is there, staff in hand. There is a priest, mumbling about marriage and love and the meaning of two souls joining. Then there is a commotion outside. Clint smiles. It must be his Natasha. Loki signals for Gatekeeper Coulson and the others to go outside. Then he whispers in the priest's ear.
"Man and wife," the priest says.
Clint blinks. He's married. He's married and Natasha isn't here. Steve begs his father to escort Clint to their room so he can help Loki with whatever invasion is coming. Clint walks with King Fury, and shakes his hand.
"You seem a good King. I wish you wouldn't have to pay for my funeral."
"The Archer Prince called me a good King," Fury says. "Blue!"
*
Coulson trembles as another arrow hits the door. There is another note attached:
"LEAVE NOW. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. ~THE DREAD PIRATE WHEDON."
Everyone else has run off screaming. Finally, a large blond man in a cape approaches the door.
"Give me the gate key."
"I-"
"Hulk, rip off this man's arms."
"I don't want to die! I always am first to be hurt! Here it is!"
Coulson runs.
Thor grins, and Hulk and Natasha follow him into the castle. Loki and many guards wait for them.
"LOKI! My name is Thor Odinson, you are my brother, and I will have vengeance!"
Loki turns and runs.
"Changed it up?" Natasha asks.
"I like variety," Thor says as they dispatch all the guards. He runs after them.
"Go on, go help him," Natasha says. "I'll be fine."
Of course, when Hulk returns, she will be gone.
*
Thor turns the corner, and then the staff is through his shoulder.
"I can enchant you too," Loki purrs. "Stupid brother, I can enchant anyone."
Thor slumps to the floor, his hand tightening around the hammer.
"All these years you searched for me, and I was right in front of your face. You idiot. I couldn't believe a simple enchantment would keep you away, but you were never good at subtlety, brother."
"My name is Thor Odinson, you hurt our father, and he will be avenged!"
Loki rolls his eyes.
"You will obey."
Thor pulls the staff out of his shoulder with his free hand and stands.
"My name is Thor Odinson, we were brothers, and vengeance is mine!"
"Shut up already, you are my tool."
Thor throws the staff on the floor.
"My name is Thor Odinson, we are enemies, and this is your punishment!"
Thor swings the hammer, and Loki screams as the staff shatters. He falls to the ground, holding his head in pain. Thor holds his hammer and calls to the gods of Asgard to take Loki away.
"My name is Thor Odinson, I once called you brother, and my father has been avenged."
*
Clint lays out the knives on the table, picking the one he thinks will kill him the quickest. He holds it to his chest.
"There are few perfect pecs in this world, why would you ruin yours?"
"Natasha?"
He walks to the bed. She smiles at him.
"Natasha, I got married."
"No you didn't."
"I did," Clint says. "There was a priest, he said man and wife."
"There you go. Are you a wife?"
"No."
"Did you say I do?"
"No," Clint laughs, "it's just all so blue."
"I can fix that," Natasha says, and knocks his head against the bedpost.
"Ow."
"I would never hurt you like that."
Clint turns and looks at Prince Steve.
"Steve, it's-"
Steve holds out a sword. "I'll challenge her for your hand."
"No," Natasha says. "I challenge you, for his hand."
"That's what I said."
Natasha stands carefully, "I know but I'm just distracting you until Thor takes care of Loki's-"
There is a loud scream, and Steve flinches, holding his head.
"-staff," Natasha finishes.
"I, I-"
"Hulk here! Hulk Help!"
Clint limps to the window, "I think we're good actually."
Steve is sitting in a chair, "What a long strange nightmare. I suppose I don't have an advisor now. Who will help me run the kingdom?"
Clint and Natasha share a look.
"Actually, there's a guy I know, just got divorced, really smart, filthy rich, so he won't try to use you. His name's Tony the Stark," Clint says.
"I have heard of him. I knew his father."
"Then hire him," Natasha says.
"What about you?"
"I'm kidnapping this one, and running away. If you're looking for muscle, Hulk is pretty reliable. And I think I might try to convince Thor he'd make a good pirate."
Clint and Natasha pat Steve on the back, and find Thor in the corridors. They go out of the castle, where Hulk is waiting with four white horses. They convince Hulk to stay, and ride off into the sunset. As the castle disappears in the distance-
*
"They realize that everything is going to be okay and live happily ever after, the end," Cap says.
"What, no kiss?"
"I thought you didn't like the kissing parts, Phillip."
Phillip shrugs, "I guess one at the end isn't so bad."
"How about you, Ana?"
"Go for it, Uncle Cap."
"Well then," Cap says, "as they castle disappears behind them, Clint and Natasha stop and lean into a kiss. Of all the kisses in the world, it's the most romantic and the most fulfilling. Even hotter than that one in The Notebook."
(Cap is pretty proud of that, even he's seen The Notebook)
"That was a good story," Ana says.
"Yeah, you think you could come and read us another one, sometime?" Phillip asks.
"As you wish."