stressed
I’ve recently came to terms with being poor, I guess it took all the debt adding up, or the negative checking account balances every week. I’ve learned to cut corners, make the most of things, but my problem lies not with me, but my husband. We used to have a joint account together, but he would spend everything. He would pay all the utilities the first week of the month and leave us without food or money until the next check arrived. He would donate 75$ a week to TBN, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and books, while I basically walked around in rags, things handed down, stuff too big (Because I lost about 60 lbs), I had a car that would die on the highway, and it was just getting worse. I would try to talk to him about it; he would say “Well I pay all the bills!” In his head, he paid the bills, and I paid for groceries and had all this money somewhere left, in reality, that wasn’t the way it was. He’s addicted to shopping and was taking me down with him.
I set up my own checking account, got a loan that I can afford to pay off all my medical bills, and buy some work clothes, and traded in my clunker for an affordable, decent, used car. He was pissed. Especially about buying $87 worth of clothes out of the loan, (the irony comes later)
We worked out the finances, He would pay the utilities and mortgage, I would pay the debts (his and mine) and groceries, since I was paid weekly it was sensible. He pays out around $800 a month and I around $900 to $1000 just because I am snowballing the debts. I made a plan on excel so I could start tracking everything and work on a retirement plan/ emergency money for medical bills that our hospital’s financial assistance might not cover. Once I get a few debts paid off I can start saving, and I’m very excited. I’ll have all our debts paid off 4 years early and save us thousands on interest, have money to fix things in the house, and look into investing.
So, this weekend, my husband and I decide to go out to eat, he’ll pay for Friday, and I’ll buy Saturday. Friday after we eat we go to Wal-mart, he buys $175 worth of stuff, and I get a dish sponge for .75.
Well one of his shirts didn't fir so he went to get a smaller size and spent $60 more dollars. Saturday I buy dinner, and decide to return to Wal-Mart and get some hair dye for $3. My husband asked me if I would buy him a DVD. I was a little irked, but smiled and said okay, we met back up at the checkout, and he dumped all this stuff on the counter, it ended up being $75. I was very upset. Then I find out he invited his family over for a cook out today (which I have to work so don’t get to participate) and I had to buy hamburgers and hot dogs, and his mom a birthday cake, so our grocery bill went up about $50, and he only has $20 left to live on for 2 weeks. He kept saying “Well you get paid Tuesday.” It’s like he is sabotaging our finances. I wanted to put $100 on our debt, but now it’s gone. I feel like I can’t get ahead. I have sacrificed so much, and changed so much to finally climb out of this hole we have put ourselves in, but it takes more than me, I know.
I have talked to him till I don’t feel like talking. He doesn’t want to admit we are poor and will be until the debts are gone. He’s so consumed by social status; he’s spending ‘his’ and ‘my’ money, and acts like he deserves it.
The separate checking accounts have helped though; I now have money for gas, bills, and vet care for our cats, but he looks through my check register and if I spent even $20 at CVS he goes off, and the $87 for clothes, didn’t go over well at all. I have to start hiding my checkbook, and hiding extra money from him so he won’t spend it. Grocery shopping is a nightmare, he gives me a list of what he wants and expects me to get it and name brand, so I go without lunch all week to make sure I can buy it, because if I don’t he goes off wanting to know 'where all the money is I have, and what I wasted it on.' Because 'He pays all the bills and I pay nothing.' I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, I want to have savings, and a future, what if we had kids, how would we…? Its strange he grew up lower middle class, kind of poor, you think he’d understand.
Divorce seems inevitable, but that’s not what I want, anybody going through something similar, any advice?
****Edit****
It just hit me, all this started when he converted to Word of Faith, Petacostalism/ TBN-ism, he believs in like you give the church $100, you get $1000 back, and Jesus will give you wealth, health and prosperity... This could be a bigger mess than I had thought... is it possible this is all related?
I set up my own checking account, got a loan that I can afford to pay off all my medical bills, and buy some work clothes, and traded in my clunker for an affordable, decent, used car. He was pissed. Especially about buying $87 worth of clothes out of the loan, (the irony comes later)
We worked out the finances, He would pay the utilities and mortgage, I would pay the debts (his and mine) and groceries, since I was paid weekly it was sensible. He pays out around $800 a month and I around $900 to $1000 just because I am snowballing the debts. I made a plan on excel so I could start tracking everything and work on a retirement plan/ emergency money for medical bills that our hospital’s financial assistance might not cover. Once I get a few debts paid off I can start saving, and I’m very excited. I’ll have all our debts paid off 4 years early and save us thousands on interest, have money to fix things in the house, and look into investing.
So, this weekend, my husband and I decide to go out to eat, he’ll pay for Friday, and I’ll buy Saturday. Friday after we eat we go to Wal-mart, he buys $175 worth of stuff, and I get a dish sponge for .75.
Well one of his shirts didn't fir so he went to get a smaller size and spent $60 more dollars. Saturday I buy dinner, and decide to return to Wal-Mart and get some hair dye for $3. My husband asked me if I would buy him a DVD. I was a little irked, but smiled and said okay, we met back up at the checkout, and he dumped all this stuff on the counter, it ended up being $75. I was very upset. Then I find out he invited his family over for a cook out today (which I have to work so don’t get to participate) and I had to buy hamburgers and hot dogs, and his mom a birthday cake, so our grocery bill went up about $50, and he only has $20 left to live on for 2 weeks. He kept saying “Well you get paid Tuesday.” It’s like he is sabotaging our finances. I wanted to put $100 on our debt, but now it’s gone. I feel like I can’t get ahead. I have sacrificed so much, and changed so much to finally climb out of this hole we have put ourselves in, but it takes more than me, I know.
I have talked to him till I don’t feel like talking. He doesn’t want to admit we are poor and will be until the debts are gone. He’s so consumed by social status; he’s spending ‘his’ and ‘my’ money, and acts like he deserves it.
The separate checking accounts have helped though; I now have money for gas, bills, and vet care for our cats, but he looks through my check register and if I spent even $20 at CVS he goes off, and the $87 for clothes, didn’t go over well at all. I have to start hiding my checkbook, and hiding extra money from him so he won’t spend it. Grocery shopping is a nightmare, he gives me a list of what he wants and expects me to get it and name brand, so I go without lunch all week to make sure I can buy it, because if I don’t he goes off wanting to know 'where all the money is I have, and what I wasted it on.' Because 'He pays all the bills and I pay nothing.' I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck, I want to have savings, and a future, what if we had kids, how would we…? Its strange he grew up lower middle class, kind of poor, you think he’d understand.
Divorce seems inevitable, but that’s not what I want, anybody going through something similar, any advice?
****Edit****
It just hit me, all this started when he converted to Word of Faith, Petacostalism/ TBN-ism, he believs in like you give the church $100, you get $1000 back, and Jesus will give you wealth, health and prosperity... This could be a bigger mess than I had thought... is it possible this is all related?