Take me to the place where you go...
Okay, so this came out a what was supposed to be a paragraph or so prompt in English class today. Please read it if you care to, though I do request that you leave some sort of comment on it regardless. Don't be afraid to tell me it sucks, or use constructive criticism, or what have you.
( Click here to read the most celebrated tale of the century! )
( Click here to read the most celebrated tale of the century! )
Thump!
Scratch!
Thump!" -> Change it up!
"Then it stopped. As I pull into the parking lot I look for any sign of that renegade truck that may have followed." -> pull: pulled. look: looked. I think it is reasonable for the audience to assume that you are worried the truck may have followed, so stating that may not be necessary. If you do state it, I say "the renegade truck" earlier, so you don't have the repetition of "that." You also may need a comma after "lot."
"Too frightened to do anything I sat there in silence. After a few moments I muster up the courage and walk to the trunk." -> Comma after "anything." muster: mustered. Either "and" needs to become "to" or "walk" needs to become "walked."
'With the key in my hand I stand paralyzed over the only barrier between me and whatever the mysterious contents of my trunk could be." -> Comma after "hand" and "stand" to "stood."
"The tension so thickly hung the air you could nearly taste it." -> You are missing a preposition (in). I think you may need a comma after "air."
"I hear a bzzzt bzzzt bzzzt and I felt a vibrating on my leg." -> I think "bzzzt bzzzt bzzzt" should be italicised. I would suggest eliminating the second "I", and going more for like "I hear a bzzzt bzzzt bzzzt, and felt a vibrating on my leg." You could also make "vibrating" "vibration." I think I like the gerund or whatever it is, though.
"I jump from the stress I am under, and then realize it is my phone." -> Just tense again. jump: jumped; realize: realized.
"“Hello,” I answer. “I’ll be home in a few minutes, mom. I’m driving by Valley now. Love you too.” " -> Normally when one answer's the phone one has a questioning air, so I would suggest making the comma after "hello" a question mark. Mom is a vocative, not just any old mom, so it should be upper-case.
"I hang up the phone and take the easy out and hop back in the car and drive home." -> hang; hung. Then take should be "took," but I think it would sound better if you made it a participle, so "taking." (Then you would need a comma before "and" and after "out.") hop: hopped; drive: drove.
"Now completely sober I replay the events that occurred back in my head. “Had any of this really just happened?”" -> Are you really completely sober? Also, tense (replay: replayed). Are you speaking aloud, or thinking? If you are thinking, italics.
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