(no subject)
i think I need to get hold of my life by the reins, control it, and pace myself the way it should be.
That’s the biggest problem I’m facing, knowing very well that I’ve got to correct them, but delaying it forever without a deadline, and then regretting the lost time, the lost opportunities and the repeated mistakes. I know for sure, how easy and tempting self-delusion is. It’s my greatest enemy. That’s the problem with being a feeling person, you get so caught up with the myriad of emotions,that rationale and instinct become second priority, and you make foolish decisions with your heart, and not your mind, knowing too well that you would regret. And I am.
As of now, it’s dangerous, in the past it was alright to let myself get carried away, drift like a piece of seaweed, anywhere at any pace, regardless of anything, living in my own bubble of a world. But now, jarringly, this year especially would be disastrous if I let my own wilderness develop into another forest. It seems like I’m cautioning myself, bracing myself, but when the last hurdle comes, when it’s crunch-time to make a decision, when the temptations stare at me in my eye, I seem to bow down and give in.
That’s the problem with being idealistic, you justify yourself half the time, believing yourself for what you think it should be, and not what it actually is. Being idealistic is like asking yourself to close your eyes, shut your mouth, and censor your ears, being knowingly niave, stupid and irrational. It’s so easy, tempting to let myself drift into familiar ground, but somehow sometimes it’s okay to let ourselves walk through the motions of our life blindfolded, to grope the dark corners, to feel and act as you feel like, because who knows what treasures you might find. but I know the dangers of securing this knot, too well.
Everyone says it takes two persons to make a lie work. I believe the contrary. It takes only one person to make a lie work, because this time the person who tells it and the person who believes it is exactly the same person- yourself. There were times that I would just pretend that everything was fine, not question and believe. But you cant invent fiction and call it a life; maybe I thought that if I did it often enough, I might start to believe it. It’s too easy, too horrible, too scary to do so.
Justification is a remarkable thing- takes all those solid lines and blur them so that truth becomes as supple as willow, and ethics burst like soap bubbles
Break one rule, and like a huge bag of firecrackers, they start bursting uncontrollably in front of you. That cannot happen, at least not this year.
I know that I’m compromising myself, sacrificing fun ,my life and my friends, but I cant spin two lassons at one go: of friendship and of work. It’s tough, it’s possible, but I know that it would be two half-filled buckets. All or nothing, I believe it in. since I cant do both at one go successfully, I would have to give one up and let the left-behind be filled by circumstances and fate.
Like what bryan said, a super hero is actually an ordinary man who believes he can. But, I know well enough, that a pride-ful person is also an ordinary man who believes he can, but perhaps too much. And I don’t want to be the latter, I don’t want to secure that knot on that blindfold I’ve been comfortable in for the past few years. It’s limiting myself. So this is it, I’m going to leave one behind
I’m finally going to let go, not because my hands are not big enough, but because I know there’s a possibility I might leave both hanging, and it’s too big a risk.
But don’t misinterpret me, it doesn’t mean I will close one side of my eye, and ignore, I wont for sure. My best friends and cliques (I presume you know who you are) would definitely not be affected, since they are part of my life anyway. It’s more like the people I’m just getting to know, or people who I haven’t yet now. It’s more like, if life was a road-trip, I would be driving at full-speed, admiring the scenery, appreciating, relishing, recollecting while speeding on, but the gears would always be flexible- to u-turn and to help those in need. I won’t walk around the entire neighbourhood knocking on doors as I did before, proactively making friends, shaking their hands with a smile and asking if they are alright. But instead, I will leave my door open, let people come in voluntarily, and I will invite you in.
I’m gonna live my life whole-heartedly, have one goal and race towards it, that is to be the best I can to my best friends, organise their birthday parties as well as to focus on my work, hssrp, research papers, syf, faculty and outside stuff. It means that I’ve got a direction, it means that I’ve finally settled my emotions, it means that I spend my time when it’s the most needed, prioritise and save my time like a ration for a rainy day, so when someone in need comes along with teary eyes, I will be able to spend my fullest attention without any worries of work, school or family.
I’m moving ahead, but not leaving anyone behind.
This time, I hope it works.
cheer up gene! and kudos for apollo! our my juniors rule. super enthu. jiayou for faculty dance. on MONDAY and THURSDAY. be there ;) went out, shopping, bought like crazy and had a good time reflecting and talking to friends. thanks everybody. -mwack-
here's some random nostalgic photos of people i <3.
my favourite darlinks! (sorry i cldnt find nicer pictures)
my heibaipei and my twin<333
(super-silly-seven,super-small-seven,super-secret-seven,super-super-seven), plus philip people. yay kal and teddy.
(our only part-of-class pic)
our mps people w shihong as representative (ALBERT"S PICTURES!!) and my darling SISTER who has to endure all my shit, plus minister!
and this is exacttttlyy how my life should be. a spectrum of colours, a myraid of emotions, a whole new world with you.