Shaking the Tree
It's strange to me how I have suddenly fallen back in love with J, as if the last two months of bullshit had not happened. And, how he seems to be feeling it too. I get all these long, mushy looks, that are a bit annoying, but heartfelt I'm sure. Sigh. Shit if I know what's going to happen here.
This week has been spent reintegrating myself back into the lives of my friends. It involved much alcohol and food and some airtime on my cell phone. Comfortable, but not too radical. No parties were had by me.
Monday night I met my friend Saman for dinner and she sprung her sister and several of her Pakistani-Muslim poet/activist friends on me. When we all walked into Pakwan and I laid eyes on these young muslims with their politics on their sleeves and poetic activism on their lips I panicked. I actually panicked. All my friends are so white. My boyfriend is so white he's only shades darker than paper. I have become so white that they will all look at my with that mixture of pity and horror at how I have given up my Indian-ness, just like every other Indian I have ever met. No, I still don't know Hindi.
But, then I had a trumph card--I use to be a political intellectual way back when. I was passionate about stuff, I read all the ethnic theorists. I've read stuff. I've thought the thoughts--I can use the phrase "safe space." And, I'm funny. I can toss off stories about hindu heritage summer camp with aplomb. And, I've actually thought about stuff they never considered. By the time J, the white boyfriend, who I called "my partner" (habit from being in Fem Stud) showed up, it was all just fine. He even enjoyed the way I stumped them when I talked about being "a woman of size." He said it took them a second to figure out what I was talking about. He didn't seem to annoyed when I outed him as a Jewish man, but he did get some hard looks. We even invited them over to hang out at our place when the restaurant closed. On the way over, Saman took me aside and reminded me not to offer anyone any alcohol. I actually laughed at her and teased her for thinking I was so ignorant as to offer a group of muslim activits alcohol.
This week has been spent reintegrating myself back into the lives of my friends. It involved much alcohol and food and some airtime on my cell phone. Comfortable, but not too radical. No parties were had by me.
Monday night I met my friend Saman for dinner and she sprung her sister and several of her Pakistani-Muslim poet/activist friends on me. When we all walked into Pakwan and I laid eyes on these young muslims with their politics on their sleeves and poetic activism on their lips I panicked. I actually panicked. All my friends are so white. My boyfriend is so white he's only shades darker than paper. I have become so white that they will all look at my with that mixture of pity and horror at how I have given up my Indian-ness, just like every other Indian I have ever met. No, I still don't know Hindi.
But, then I had a trumph card--I use to be a political intellectual way back when. I was passionate about stuff, I read all the ethnic theorists. I've read stuff. I've thought the thoughts--I can use the phrase "safe space." And, I'm funny. I can toss off stories about hindu heritage summer camp with aplomb. And, I've actually thought about stuff they never considered. By the time J, the white boyfriend, who I called "my partner" (habit from being in Fem Stud) showed up, it was all just fine. He even enjoyed the way I stumped them when I talked about being "a woman of size." He said it took them a second to figure out what I was talking about. He didn't seem to annoyed when I outed him as a Jewish man, but he did get some hard looks. We even invited them over to hang out at our place when the restaurant closed. On the way over, Saman took me aside and reminded me not to offer anyone any alcohol. I actually laughed at her and teased her for thinking I was so ignorant as to offer a group of muslim activits alcohol.