In a panic...and other things.
I'm in a panic about money. I owe some to my credit card and won't be able to pay it back right away unless I drain my savings, but I don't want to drain my savings. I guess the panic is really about the way I have been spending money with abandon and then feeling nothing but regret for my purchases--I still feel bad about the $350 I spent on a new bike. The guilt has me so bad I haven't even been able to collect the thing from T's house. I realize that this is an irrational reaction to owing $1100 to credit cards, given the I still have a job and the ability to pay it back in time. I think this panic is really about me needing to put myself on a budget just to maintain my sanity. Somehow, I have spent $350 these past two weeks on I don't know what and rang up debt on my credit cards at the same time! I have $4 in my pocket till I get paid on Wednesday. It's madness and I have to stop. Today I'm going to a free class at Stanford on debt management and budgeting.
Friday I went to lunch with a friend and recounted all the events of the last two weeks. I told her about the therapy session with J, our decision to go to couples therapy, and that J told me that, despite the week in NY, he knows he wants to marry me and be with me and that he's going to therapy so he can be happy with me. She was so pissed at J and demanded that I tell her good things about why I love him or she would be forced to hate him forever. I told her, in the day to day, J is nothing but sweet and kind. When I'm sick, or unhappy, or just grumpy, he treats me with love and respect and attempts to cater to my every need and whim. He cooks me dinner, we do fun stuff together, and he gives me stimulating conversations. I realized that my "good things" sounded pretty lame even to me. But, now that J has gone away on a week long business trip I really miss him.
Yesterday I did some Sunday errands we normally do together--house cleaning, laundry, library trip, big mouth burger--and I missed him very much. I guess the good things are that J is my companion and best friend, I love him more than I've loved anyone else, and I feel that he loves me as deeply. But, for some reason, that just sounds too cheesy to my ears to say out loud. Bad things, I can articulate, discuss and disect, good things are so much harder to hold on to. On Saturday I tried to explain to thesenorita that things are different and moving in the right direction. Although they are not perfect, I really feel like J is growing and changing and that I am too. Of course, I sounded stupid, just like a woman in love trying to justify a bad decision. Then I told her I had an informal deadline of November for all these good things to happen by. She told me it's a bad idea to put a deadline on personal growth, as there is already enough pressure on both of us. She may be right, but I need the cap on how long I will wait for J to grow up enough to be happy--because no matter how much I love him and how many times his therapist says his indecision is not a reflection on me, it's hard not to feel that way and have it hurt.
Still in a panic about money.
Friday I went to lunch with a friend and recounted all the events of the last two weeks. I told her about the therapy session with J, our decision to go to couples therapy, and that J told me that, despite the week in NY, he knows he wants to marry me and be with me and that he's going to therapy so he can be happy with me. She was so pissed at J and demanded that I tell her good things about why I love him or she would be forced to hate him forever. I told her, in the day to day, J is nothing but sweet and kind. When I'm sick, or unhappy, or just grumpy, he treats me with love and respect and attempts to cater to my every need and whim. He cooks me dinner, we do fun stuff together, and he gives me stimulating conversations. I realized that my "good things" sounded pretty lame even to me. But, now that J has gone away on a week long business trip I really miss him.
Yesterday I did some Sunday errands we normally do together--house cleaning, laundry, library trip, big mouth burger--and I missed him very much. I guess the good things are that J is my companion and best friend, I love him more than I've loved anyone else, and I feel that he loves me as deeply. But, for some reason, that just sounds too cheesy to my ears to say out loud. Bad things, I can articulate, discuss and disect, good things are so much harder to hold on to. On Saturday I tried to explain to thesenorita that things are different and moving in the right direction. Although they are not perfect, I really feel like J is growing and changing and that I am too. Of course, I sounded stupid, just like a woman in love trying to justify a bad decision. Then I told her I had an informal deadline of November for all these good things to happen by. She told me it's a bad idea to put a deadline on personal growth, as there is already enough pressure on both of us. She may be right, but I need the cap on how long I will wait for J to grow up enough to be happy--because no matter how much I love him and how many times his therapist says his indecision is not a reflection on me, it's hard not to feel that way and have it hurt.
Still in a panic about money.