Day 4
I got on a scale this morning. This is acheat because I know it's unreasonable to expect weight loss so quickly and in my head I'd decided to weigh myself once a week. But, as I said, I couldn't help it.
166 even.
How can that be?
I weighed 170 this weekend (although the 170 number can be disputed because I weighed in with clothes on at a different digital scale owned by the fitness consultant, but it was late in the morning and I hadn't eaten which can often cause me to weight 1-2 pounds less, and all the week before I'd been hovering around 169.4 and I did eat everything in sight over the weekend in anticipation of the cleanse--I know, I should have weighed myself Monday morning on my own scale). Logic tells me that the 4 pounds I 'lost' in 3 days can't be 'real.' It's gotta be water weight from eating so little and exercising a bit. I actually feel a little freaked out by how quickly the number changed. I know I should be as scale lie at worst and only tell half truths at the best. I must be starving myself? Well, I won't stop just because the results come to fast.
But this does bring me to another issue that has been nagging me. What should my goal weight be? I suppose I don't need a goal weight. I could just lose and lose in 90 days until I'm done. But the part of me that says I don't need a goal weight is not motivated by reason--I'm motivated by fear. I'm afraid to set a number in my head. I'm afraid to have a goal. I don't want to fail. I don't want to aim too low, but I don't want to aim to high either. I can't quite explain it myself, but I feel all sorts of anxiety and fear when I think about a thinner me. This has always been a problem for me--a failure of imagination perhaps. Maybe something deeper.
When I was in the 220s, a trainer told me to aim for a goal of 125 as that's fairly ideal according to the BMI charts. NO way! I'd set a more 'reasonable' goal of 150 as I'd never been below 150 in my life. I hit 170 and was pleased with myself and lost no more for the time being (life situations helped that decision along). In the next stint of weight loss, I went from the 180s to 150 and declared myself unable to lose more--I think my goal had been 135 or 140--but I never intended to get there. Again, life events overwhelmed me and I figured good enough. But, I didn't really believe good enough.
Because, even as a part of me accepted these weights, a larger more active part of me refused to accept. So, I've been on perpetual failing diet mode ever since. Even when I'm not actively losing weight successfully, I'm always trying. And, I'm tired of trying and failing. I have no idea what it feels like to really be happy with my weight and just work at maintaining. I don't even know how I'd do it. I usually maintain while trying to lose.
Last night I realized I have a real opportunity here.
I could well lose weight and hit 130. When that thought came into my head last night, my mouth went dry. I felt woozy. I was downright freaked out. Even now as I write this, I feel shakey and nervous. Why? I have no idea. I can't explain it. Part of it might be fear of wanting it and never getting there--dooming myself to perpectual diet mode forever. Part of it is fear of getting there and not staying for long and forever struggling to get back. Part of it is fear of the shift in identity 125 or 130 and 5'1" means. Fear of needing to be someone who doesn't eat the way I do now. Fear of being someone who can never fully enjoy food--which sustains me in far more ways than maybe it should. Part of it is fear of being ugly. I admit it, I think thin women are freaky and ugly--their thin arms and legs scare me, and I'm not talking anorexic scary Nicole Richie (which is like a waking nightmare to me), but walking along the street I see size 4 and 6 women and their legs gross me out--especially when they are tall and slim. Of course, I can't tell if the disgust is 'true' or motivated by jealousy. But is all this fear the reason I am unable to lose? Why am I so scared? What is so awful about change?
At 33 I have discovered I have a lot more fear than I realized. Traveling in NZ I found all sorts of fear was motivating and hindering me--and it was hard to conquor. I know my career choices were partially motivated by fear, as well as my choice of the MPA program at SFSU. Some may call it low expectations. Some may call it being a realist. All I know is the clutching at my throat and heart feeling is so terrible, I work hard to avoid feeling it. Sometimes the work is productive and self-preserving, sometimes it's not.
I've known my weight problems are a result of more than just a love of food or prioritizing other activities over exercise. I know it. And the more I work at my emotional/psychological issues, the more issues come up. I keep going to therapy, coming out better, but then needing to go back in for more work. It's so frustrating.
So how about 130? Still woozy and dry mouthed. 135? less so. 140? Better. 145? No, too high. 150? Intolerably high. So, what should I aim for? Not just for this 90 Day Challenge, but for my life? What should I weigh? 150 was too high and I kept wanting to be lower. But 150 is a lot better than 170. Would I be happy at 140? The gripping fear says yes. But the disatisfied with 150 part says no, go for 135. It's close to BMI 'Normal.' Actually, using the calculators, 132 is exactly 24.9--just under overweight (which is 25-29). But, the fear gripping part says--hell no.
Who will win?
Clearly this won't be decided in this post and I'm not sure how or when I can get to a decision that is motivated by self love, acceptance, accomplishment, and a genuine belief in my beauty. I just have to figure out how to get there without fear or fat-loathing or skinny-loathing or other negative ideas and emotions coming into place.
I forgot to read my diet materials last night. I wonder if they would have helped me with this?
Back to the plan: last night I lifted weights with an instructor, but it wasn't quite the curcuit training the fitness consultant demanded. Instead of the '2 minute--next machine!' it was more a a take your time, do short sets of 8 twice, then if you feel like it, go to another machine. Get as red faced as possible when you lift with the 6th or 8th push feeling almost impossible, and oops, we didn't get to your legs. Ah well. Class over.
Sadly the circuit class that would be perfect is booked up. But, I think doing this class could help me in other ways--it's smaller and while the machines are janky and the instructor is a bit old fashioned with her stretching, she is attentive and really nice. I will be lifting correctly and that's the main point. Also, it will get me back into the habit of not being home in the evenings so I can train. I've become so obsessed with going home (to Jeff) immediately after work, it's been hard to commit to after work exercise--except for the gym in my building. But, if I want to train for races again, I need to able to SPEND MY EVENINGS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE.
Today--NO EXERCISE. Phew. Suprisingly, I'm not sore at all from yesterday's weights. Maybe it will come tomorrow. I have been extra creaky and sore in other weird ways--like when you sit in an uncomfortable position for too long everywhere. No idea what's causing it.
Here's my food for today (just as lame and boring as Tuesday):
Wake and drink 2 glasses of water, 1 with 1/2 lemon squeezed into it.
Breakfast (at 6:45 AM!): Flax Shake (again--it felt like too little food)
11 AM 1-2 cups of vegetabe broth (I may start drinking at 10:30 as I'm already hungry)
Lunch: Steamed veggies and 1 cup of quinoa
3 PM: 1-2 cups vegetable broth and 4 oz of salmon if I'm feeling weak
5-6 PM: two bowls of steamed veggies
166 even.
How can that be?
I weighed 170 this weekend (although the 170 number can be disputed because I weighed in with clothes on at a different digital scale owned by the fitness consultant, but it was late in the morning and I hadn't eaten which can often cause me to weight 1-2 pounds less, and all the week before I'd been hovering around 169.4 and I did eat everything in sight over the weekend in anticipation of the cleanse--I know, I should have weighed myself Monday morning on my own scale). Logic tells me that the 4 pounds I 'lost' in 3 days can't be 'real.' It's gotta be water weight from eating so little and exercising a bit. I actually feel a little freaked out by how quickly the number changed. I know I should be as scale lie at worst and only tell half truths at the best. I must be starving myself? Well, I won't stop just because the results come to fast.
But this does bring me to another issue that has been nagging me. What should my goal weight be? I suppose I don't need a goal weight. I could just lose and lose in 90 days until I'm done. But the part of me that says I don't need a goal weight is not motivated by reason--I'm motivated by fear. I'm afraid to set a number in my head. I'm afraid to have a goal. I don't want to fail. I don't want to aim too low, but I don't want to aim to high either. I can't quite explain it myself, but I feel all sorts of anxiety and fear when I think about a thinner me. This has always been a problem for me--a failure of imagination perhaps. Maybe something deeper.
When I was in the 220s, a trainer told me to aim for a goal of 125 as that's fairly ideal according to the BMI charts. NO way! I'd set a more 'reasonable' goal of 150 as I'd never been below 150 in my life. I hit 170 and was pleased with myself and lost no more for the time being (life situations helped that decision along). In the next stint of weight loss, I went from the 180s to 150 and declared myself unable to lose more--I think my goal had been 135 or 140--but I never intended to get there. Again, life events overwhelmed me and I figured good enough. But, I didn't really believe good enough.
Because, even as a part of me accepted these weights, a larger more active part of me refused to accept. So, I've been on perpetual failing diet mode ever since. Even when I'm not actively losing weight successfully, I'm always trying. And, I'm tired of trying and failing. I have no idea what it feels like to really be happy with my weight and just work at maintaining. I don't even know how I'd do it. I usually maintain while trying to lose.
Last night I realized I have a real opportunity here.
I could well lose weight and hit 130. When that thought came into my head last night, my mouth went dry. I felt woozy. I was downright freaked out. Even now as I write this, I feel shakey and nervous. Why? I have no idea. I can't explain it. Part of it might be fear of wanting it and never getting there--dooming myself to perpectual diet mode forever. Part of it is fear of getting there and not staying for long and forever struggling to get back. Part of it is fear of the shift in identity 125 or 130 and 5'1" means. Fear of needing to be someone who doesn't eat the way I do now. Fear of being someone who can never fully enjoy food--which sustains me in far more ways than maybe it should. Part of it is fear of being ugly. I admit it, I think thin women are freaky and ugly--their thin arms and legs scare me, and I'm not talking anorexic scary Nicole Richie (which is like a waking nightmare to me), but walking along the street I see size 4 and 6 women and their legs gross me out--especially when they are tall and slim. Of course, I can't tell if the disgust is 'true' or motivated by jealousy. But is all this fear the reason I am unable to lose? Why am I so scared? What is so awful about change?
At 33 I have discovered I have a lot more fear than I realized. Traveling in NZ I found all sorts of fear was motivating and hindering me--and it was hard to conquor. I know my career choices were partially motivated by fear, as well as my choice of the MPA program at SFSU. Some may call it low expectations. Some may call it being a realist. All I know is the clutching at my throat and heart feeling is so terrible, I work hard to avoid feeling it. Sometimes the work is productive and self-preserving, sometimes it's not.
I've known my weight problems are a result of more than just a love of food or prioritizing other activities over exercise. I know it. And the more I work at my emotional/psychological issues, the more issues come up. I keep going to therapy, coming out better, but then needing to go back in for more work. It's so frustrating.
So how about 130? Still woozy and dry mouthed. 135? less so. 140? Better. 145? No, too high. 150? Intolerably high. So, what should I aim for? Not just for this 90 Day Challenge, but for my life? What should I weigh? 150 was too high and I kept wanting to be lower. But 150 is a lot better than 170. Would I be happy at 140? The gripping fear says yes. But the disatisfied with 150 part says no, go for 135. It's close to BMI 'Normal.' Actually, using the calculators, 132 is exactly 24.9--just under overweight (which is 25-29). But, the fear gripping part says--hell no.
Who will win?
Clearly this won't be decided in this post and I'm not sure how or when I can get to a decision that is motivated by self love, acceptance, accomplishment, and a genuine belief in my beauty. I just have to figure out how to get there without fear or fat-loathing or skinny-loathing or other negative ideas and emotions coming into place.
I forgot to read my diet materials last night. I wonder if they would have helped me with this?
Back to the plan: last night I lifted weights with an instructor, but it wasn't quite the curcuit training the fitness consultant demanded. Instead of the '2 minute--next machine!' it was more a a take your time, do short sets of 8 twice, then if you feel like it, go to another machine. Get as red faced as possible when you lift with the 6th or 8th push feeling almost impossible, and oops, we didn't get to your legs. Ah well. Class over.
Sadly the circuit class that would be perfect is booked up. But, I think doing this class could help me in other ways--it's smaller and while the machines are janky and the instructor is a bit old fashioned with her stretching, she is attentive and really nice. I will be lifting correctly and that's the main point. Also, it will get me back into the habit of not being home in the evenings so I can train. I've become so obsessed with going home (to Jeff) immediately after work, it's been hard to commit to after work exercise--except for the gym in my building. But, if I want to train for races again, I need to able to SPEND MY EVENINGS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE.
Today--NO EXERCISE. Phew. Suprisingly, I'm not sore at all from yesterday's weights. Maybe it will come tomorrow. I have been extra creaky and sore in other weird ways--like when you sit in an uncomfortable position for too long everywhere. No idea what's causing it.
Here's my food for today (just as lame and boring as Tuesday):
Wake and drink 2 glasses of water, 1 with 1/2 lemon squeezed into it.
Breakfast (at 6:45 AM!): Flax Shake (again--it felt like too little food)
11 AM 1-2 cups of vegetabe broth (I may start drinking at 10:30 as I'm already hungry)
Lunch: Steamed veggies and 1 cup of quinoa
3 PM: 1-2 cups vegetable broth and 4 oz of salmon if I'm feeling weak
5-6 PM: two bowls of steamed veggies