Title: Eight Weeks
Topic: Theft
Wordcount: 959
Notes: This is very, very short. It also doesn't feel like it ended properly. I wanted to put another scene on the end, but I couldn't think of anything that didn't go all overly-explanatory. I think all spelling and grammar and tenses should be right, but if you see anything, point it out.
(
Do not get attached to your rat. )
Comments 29
I don't think it needs another section, maybe if you just shortened the last line. It needs something slightly different, I think, but not much different.
I am certainly not going to quibble with your grammar!
I love your short stories, makes me wonder(again) why someone who writes this well is reading my fanfic.
kxxx
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Hmm, shortened. What, like cutting out some of the tutor's lines?
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And that is the only bit I'd change, because the rest is perfect.
kx
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If you're going to add a section, just add one line to the end of the last chapter. Something to the effect of her not taking the rat, because she was given permission. Sigh and leave the room - that sort of thing. Of course, I could be quite wrong here and be way off the mark. :-)
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I agree that there's something not quite right about the end. Probably, I'd leave off the tutor's last line, and have them stand in silence for a moment, and then Mina just leave. I don't think he needs to tell her that she can take it. I quite like the idea of the last words spoken being from a psych tutor, calling her behaviour fascinating. Because it really is a study in behaviour.
However: even without that, it works really well. Good fun!
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I like your idea about him not telling her to take One Week and go. I put that in there to signify that she does take her without saying it . . . hmm. Summat to think about!
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Um, trying to think of something critical to say... I would have liked the David interaction to be a little longer. Apart from that - lovely.
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I didn't have a problem with the ending when I first read it, but then once I read the comments and went back to the story, I did feel that there was something that could change; some elusive little thing.
I agree that it would probably work better without the "Go on, get out..." bit and if Mina just left. I think the ending would be more conclusive than sudden, like you suggested.
And I thought that the moment with David, when she pushes him away, was powerful and 'meaty' enough because it was so sudden and such a realistic realisation because sometimes it does just come to you.
It was wonderful, and that's not just me sucking up. Bravo!
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