gah
im conflicted.
im embarrassed by my behavior recently.
i only do it because i have to, and its not necessarily like i regret any of it. im just, quite frankly, embarrassed by it.
im staying in tonight. writing. painting. lighting mexican hot chocolate candles and watching RHCP dvds.
I had a shitty audition tonight. was hung over all day and not proud. i hate looking at myself in the mirror when im drunk. i despise it. there is no time i hate myself more than those moments.
lately, im not happy with my body at all. and it makes me feel like to some extent i will never be. im not as thin as i want, or think i need to be. it scares me a little. but don't worry i love food way to much to ever starve myself. for any prolonged period of time at least. im being good. healthy. eating right. exercising. it just doesn't seem like enough.
I dont know what i want.
lately it feels like i want/i'll take whatever comes my way. its like im on a "yes" binge. i just say yes to everything, everyone. i have no discipline, i have no choices, i have no preferences, i have no sanity. im numb.
or rather numbing myself. im afraid of something. everything maybe. everyone. i have real high hopes and dreams but don't believe in my ability to make them happen. and i settle. i choke. repeatedly. and i hurt a lot of people a long the way. i know i should do the thing where i here and now resolve to stop. but in life, things don't work that way. i have habits, addictions, and unhealthy patterns and really, no intention of putting them to rest.
i guess i can pray that something comes my way, something i say yes to, that can take me off this path. because i feel a little bit out of control.
and no im not on drugs.
maybe its another one of my phases.
ok here it is...i guess it will help to get it out there...
im only interested in having sexual experiences with men and then i want nothing to do with them otherwise. ever. again. friends, strangers, what have you. im addicted to first time sex. i dont care what kind of person they are, really. just their sexuality. i like to explore it, experience it. then im bored and could care less about having anything emotional occur. and once i go there, even if its good, i don't really want it again. part of that is me being afraid i will develop feelings for someone if i sleep with them more than once. or too often for that matter. ok that feels a little better.
but maybe there is hope. because i am interested in someone. i actually think i might "like" someone and not behave this way with them at all. in fact, i would want to hold off anything physical for a while and just get to know them for who they are and really enjoy that. i havent seen this person in months though and im not really sure he feels anything remotely similar. he's cute and nice though. and those are good things.
other than that...day by day. and thank god for my precious feline.
im embarrassed by my behavior recently.
i only do it because i have to, and its not necessarily like i regret any of it. im just, quite frankly, embarrassed by it.
im staying in tonight. writing. painting. lighting mexican hot chocolate candles and watching RHCP dvds.
I had a shitty audition tonight. was hung over all day and not proud. i hate looking at myself in the mirror when im drunk. i despise it. there is no time i hate myself more than those moments.
lately, im not happy with my body at all. and it makes me feel like to some extent i will never be. im not as thin as i want, or think i need to be. it scares me a little. but don't worry i love food way to much to ever starve myself. for any prolonged period of time at least. im being good. healthy. eating right. exercising. it just doesn't seem like enough.
I dont know what i want.
lately it feels like i want/i'll take whatever comes my way. its like im on a "yes" binge. i just say yes to everything, everyone. i have no discipline, i have no choices, i have no preferences, i have no sanity. im numb.
or rather numbing myself. im afraid of something. everything maybe. everyone. i have real high hopes and dreams but don't believe in my ability to make them happen. and i settle. i choke. repeatedly. and i hurt a lot of people a long the way. i know i should do the thing where i here and now resolve to stop. but in life, things don't work that way. i have habits, addictions, and unhealthy patterns and really, no intention of putting them to rest.
i guess i can pray that something comes my way, something i say yes to, that can take me off this path. because i feel a little bit out of control.
and no im not on drugs.
maybe its another one of my phases.
ok here it is...i guess it will help to get it out there...
im only interested in having sexual experiences with men and then i want nothing to do with them otherwise. ever. again. friends, strangers, what have you. im addicted to first time sex. i dont care what kind of person they are, really. just their sexuality. i like to explore it, experience it. then im bored and could care less about having anything emotional occur. and once i go there, even if its good, i don't really want it again. part of that is me being afraid i will develop feelings for someone if i sleep with them more than once. or too often for that matter. ok that feels a little better.
but maybe there is hope. because i am interested in someone. i actually think i might "like" someone and not behave this way with them at all. in fact, i would want to hold off anything physical for a while and just get to know them for who they are and really enjoy that. i havent seen this person in months though and im not really sure he feels anything remotely similar. he's cute and nice though. and those are good things.
other than that...day by day. and thank god for my precious feline.