degrees of separation
You can't go home again - Tom Wolfe
I stood there in my advisers office, his startling blue eyes pinning me to my place. In his eyes I saw the pride and grip of the nation and the sadness at watching it's children try to leave.
"You know you're no longer fully American" he says (את יודעת שאת כבר לא אמריקאית) and it strikes a resonating chord with my thoughts. It sounds as though I have been infected, as though aliens had slowly infiltrated my body and I was now no longer fully human. This "infestation" isn't negative though, the opposite - it's opened up a whole new system of thought and understanding. As though alongside the cell that contains "idit" a different sister "idit" cell grew and now I have full faculty of both.
And it's true, I'm no longer American. I sit with Americans and I can see them from within and without. I cringe at the things that make the rest of the world sneer and become hotly defensive over aspects that are good. I miss them, I miss living among them but at the same time I am mildly repulsed.
My advisor inadvertently sent this chill through my spine because I had told him that in a half a year I may be considering moving back to California. Israel feels small, like a shirt strapped on too tightly. I know have time till Adi's wedding (and after) to decide my immediate fate but it's stressing me out now.
And if I'm not fully American, can I hold onto this aspect and return at the same time?
I stood there in my advisers office, his startling blue eyes pinning me to my place. In his eyes I saw the pride and grip of the nation and the sadness at watching it's children try to leave.
"You know you're no longer fully American" he says (את יודעת שאת כבר לא אמריקאית) and it strikes a resonating chord with my thoughts. It sounds as though I have been infected, as though aliens had slowly infiltrated my body and I was now no longer fully human. This "infestation" isn't negative though, the opposite - it's opened up a whole new system of thought and understanding. As though alongside the cell that contains "idit" a different sister "idit" cell grew and now I have full faculty of both.
And it's true, I'm no longer American. I sit with Americans and I can see them from within and without. I cringe at the things that make the rest of the world sneer and become hotly defensive over aspects that are good. I miss them, I miss living among them but at the same time I am mildly repulsed.
My advisor inadvertently sent this chill through my spine because I had told him that in a half a year I may be considering moving back to California. Israel feels small, like a shirt strapped on too tightly. I know have time till Adi's wedding (and after) to decide my immediate fate but it's stressing me out now.
And if I'm not fully American, can I hold onto this aspect and return at the same time?