A Valentine's Ode to Stella
(It's been a long time since I was with my LJ. I think I have been so inside my head for the past almost a year that examining anything in my brain would have been too much for me.
Inside my head in a good way for once.
Will it sound cheesy if I say I have never been happier in my life? I fear karmic retribution when I have thoughts like that but it's true.)
I love my baby girl. Love her. Carrying her and giving birth at home changed my outlook on life. I won't go so far as to say I have miraculously become an optimist but I will say that I am not so much misanthropic anymore.
I love her. I love being with her and having her has made me a better mother all around. I had Max when I was 25 and I railed against being a mother every single day. A good friend from hipMama once said that she could not understand those of us who fought against being a mother and at the time I could not understand how one could not fight against it. I wanted to be me, not someone's mother. I did not see how being me and being a mother could co-exist. I loved Max but I missed myself and I really did not enjoy being a mother. Dirty little secret but when people would say "... but you wouldn't trade him." I would think that I actually might.
When I got pregnant with Stella it was a surprise and I worried once again that the me I had come back to somewhat when I found midwifery would go away again. As it turns out I did become someone else again, but someone I like more than I did before. And I have found that my interests in the outside world are still here, which is nice. I'm still on my way to becoming a midwife, still going to classes and planning to go back to attending births next month.
When you have 2 (or more) you can't deny being a mother anymore. When I had Max I could still go around believing I had a life unto myself but once you have 2 there is no denying motherhood. Strangely I find that freeing and comforting.
Stella is high needs. She needs to be held 24/7 and she needs a lot of comforting, way more than Max did. The weird thing is that I don't mind. With Max I would have felt invaded and like I needed personal space. Maybe it's because I am older and have more experience but I have no problem giving her what she needs even though every day it means I might only have 5 minutes to eat and there is no way I am getting a shower. I just pop her in the KangarooKorner fleece pouch and go about my life.
She has pointy ears, like an elf, and hair all over her body. She has 2 very large and totally blue Mongolian spot birth marks on her butt. Her skin is the softest surface on earth but she is easily annoyed so I'm not allowed to kiss it too much. When she smiles her eyes, literally, light up and she has the longest eyelashes. I never want her to grow up, I don't even want her to get bigger day to day. I love nursing her and changing her and shamelessly dressing her up in soft pink outfits. She's mine... I think I'm going to go steal her back from Ronnie now.
http://www.shutterfly.com/os.jsp?i=67b0de21b34a2b5b25be&open=1
XOXO
Inside my head in a good way for once.
Will it sound cheesy if I say I have never been happier in my life? I fear karmic retribution when I have thoughts like that but it's true.)
I love my baby girl. Love her. Carrying her and giving birth at home changed my outlook on life. I won't go so far as to say I have miraculously become an optimist but I will say that I am not so much misanthropic anymore.
I love her. I love being with her and having her has made me a better mother all around. I had Max when I was 25 and I railed against being a mother every single day. A good friend from hipMama once said that she could not understand those of us who fought against being a mother and at the time I could not understand how one could not fight against it. I wanted to be me, not someone's mother. I did not see how being me and being a mother could co-exist. I loved Max but I missed myself and I really did not enjoy being a mother. Dirty little secret but when people would say "... but you wouldn't trade him." I would think that I actually might.
When I got pregnant with Stella it was a surprise and I worried once again that the me I had come back to somewhat when I found midwifery would go away again. As it turns out I did become someone else again, but someone I like more than I did before. And I have found that my interests in the outside world are still here, which is nice. I'm still on my way to becoming a midwife, still going to classes and planning to go back to attending births next month.
When you have 2 (or more) you can't deny being a mother anymore. When I had Max I could still go around believing I had a life unto myself but once you have 2 there is no denying motherhood. Strangely I find that freeing and comforting.
Stella is high needs. She needs to be held 24/7 and she needs a lot of comforting, way more than Max did. The weird thing is that I don't mind. With Max I would have felt invaded and like I needed personal space. Maybe it's because I am older and have more experience but I have no problem giving her what she needs even though every day it means I might only have 5 minutes to eat and there is no way I am getting a shower. I just pop her in the KangarooKorner fleece pouch and go about my life.
She has pointy ears, like an elf, and hair all over her body. She has 2 very large and totally blue Mongolian spot birth marks on her butt. Her skin is the softest surface on earth but she is easily annoyed so I'm not allowed to kiss it too much. When she smiles her eyes, literally, light up and she has the longest eyelashes. I never want her to grow up, I don't even want her to get bigger day to day. I love nursing her and changing her and shamelessly dressing her up in soft pink outfits. She's mine... I think I'm going to go steal her back from Ronnie now.
http://www.shutterfly.com/os.jsp?i=67b0de21b34a2b5b25be&open=1
XOXO