Been a while
I don't think anybody ever reads this anymore. I just feel like I need to vent about everything. So here I go.
It's been five weeks to the day since Amanda broke up with me and I still do not feel any better than I did on day one. I really thought that she was the one for me. When I imagined my future she was the person I shaped it around. She made me happier than anyone has ever made me feel. When I was with her I felt like nothing could go wrong. I gave myself to her completely and never thought it would end up screwing me over. I know it might be crazy to say but I really thought I was going to marry her. I know how young I am and how much of my life I have yet to live but all that really mattered to me was that she made me happier than anyone else ever could. For four and a half years I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world.
That being said I do understand why she broke up with me. She met me when she was seventeen and she has never experienced life without me. She doesn't feel like she knows who she is outside of me. She didn't want to have to think of her future. The idea of marrying me freaked her out because she is only twenty one. I'm all she has ever known and she needs to see whats out there before she can commit to me forever. She says she wants to be independent for a while.
While I understand why she wants this I also know that she still loves me. This has to be the hardest part of all this. She still loves me but she needs to know what is out there. She wants to be without me. I always thought that love would overcome anything. I thought that as long as I could keep her happy she would stay with me. I knew that me being her first boyfriend would eventually be a problem but I thought that as long as I can make her happy she wouldn't care. Throughout our relationship I did anything and everything to make her happy. I would go out of my way just to please her. When she felt sick I would go to wherever she wanted and get her soup. When she was at work I used to surprise her with CD's that I knew she wanted. When I would go up to visit her at school I would bring her her favorite cake. I would make her special cards even though I wasn't the most creative person in the world. I did it because I love her and I would have done anything to make her happy. I used to tell her that all the time. When she would say things like "thank you" or "you didn't have to do that" I would respond with "I would do anything for you." I really meant that too. Whatever would make her happy I would do. I loved and still love her more than anything on this world.
I hate not being able to talk to her anymore. For all of my adult life she has been the one who has always been there for me. I talked to her almost everyday for the past four and half years. Usually multiple times a day. I made her the center of my world. She was/is my best friend in the entire world. She knows me better than anyone ever has.
Maybe I went wrong by making her everything. I really don't have a lot of close friends. She was my close friend. Sure I have friends but no one who will just be there for me anytime that I need someone. Maybe why this break-up has been so ridiculously hard on me. I'm running out of distractions and everyday just feels like a mirror image of the one before. The mornings and nights are the worst. I just feel like my life is over. I know that its not but it's so hard to imagine a future without her. It hurts me so much.
I really don't think I have ever felt this much pain in my entire life. Maybe its just a combination of everything that has gone wrong in my life. My mom, my dog, and now Amanda. I just want to feel better but I keep just staying where I'm at or getting worse. There is such a big part of me that just hopes she will come back to me. I know she isn't though and every time I let myself believe she will come back I just set myself up for misery.
I just really thought our relationship was special. I know it had its flaws but she made me happy. I just wish she felt the same way about me as I do about her. I wish she wanted to spend more time with me. I wish she wanted me to hang out with her and her friends more. I wish she felt comfortable with me in her life and having her own independence. It just kills me because I know that I can make her happier than anyone ever could. I would make it my goal in life if she gave me a second chance. I can't dwell on what ifs though. I need to accept the reality of the situation. She's done with me for a while.
This really wouldn't be this hard if I didn't let myself fall so deeply in love with her. I just don't think and don't want to ever stop loving her. I love her more than I have ever loved anything. She was the brightest part of my life and now she's gone.
Maybe I just have issues with letting go. I mean I'm starting to feel like the things I love most are just gonna be torn apart from me. My mom was, my dog was, and now Amanda is. I know the first two were by death but this feels similar. Our relationship is over and it just hurts so badly. There's only one thing I know for certain though. I love Amanda Crissman. I know my life would be easier if I didn't but I find myself holding on to this hoping that if I don't let our love die it will eventually work out. I always thought that love would always overcome. I guess I was wrong.
I just want to know what to do next. I am trying to forget her but I think about her every second of every day. The part that hurts the most is that I know she isn't thinking about me as much. I have no control and she has all the control.
Maybe when I go to Europe in June I can stop thinking about her as much. That not for a few months though. I can't handle feeling like this anymore. I think this is going to drive me crazy. The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I love her.
Well I've complained about my life enough for tonight. I don't think anyone will read this but if they do I'm sorry for being so pathetic. I wish I could be stronger.
-Jason
It's been five weeks to the day since Amanda broke up with me and I still do not feel any better than I did on day one. I really thought that she was the one for me. When I imagined my future she was the person I shaped it around. She made me happier than anyone has ever made me feel. When I was with her I felt like nothing could go wrong. I gave myself to her completely and never thought it would end up screwing me over. I know it might be crazy to say but I really thought I was going to marry her. I know how young I am and how much of my life I have yet to live but all that really mattered to me was that she made me happier than anyone else ever could. For four and a half years I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world.
That being said I do understand why she broke up with me. She met me when she was seventeen and she has never experienced life without me. She doesn't feel like she knows who she is outside of me. She didn't want to have to think of her future. The idea of marrying me freaked her out because she is only twenty one. I'm all she has ever known and she needs to see whats out there before she can commit to me forever. She says she wants to be independent for a while.
While I understand why she wants this I also know that she still loves me. This has to be the hardest part of all this. She still loves me but she needs to know what is out there. She wants to be without me. I always thought that love would overcome anything. I thought that as long as I could keep her happy she would stay with me. I knew that me being her first boyfriend would eventually be a problem but I thought that as long as I can make her happy she wouldn't care. Throughout our relationship I did anything and everything to make her happy. I would go out of my way just to please her. When she felt sick I would go to wherever she wanted and get her soup. When she was at work I used to surprise her with CD's that I knew she wanted. When I would go up to visit her at school I would bring her her favorite cake. I would make her special cards even though I wasn't the most creative person in the world. I did it because I love her and I would have done anything to make her happy. I used to tell her that all the time. When she would say things like "thank you" or "you didn't have to do that" I would respond with "I would do anything for you." I really meant that too. Whatever would make her happy I would do. I loved and still love her more than anything on this world.
I hate not being able to talk to her anymore. For all of my adult life she has been the one who has always been there for me. I talked to her almost everyday for the past four and half years. Usually multiple times a day. I made her the center of my world. She was/is my best friend in the entire world. She knows me better than anyone ever has.
Maybe I went wrong by making her everything. I really don't have a lot of close friends. She was my close friend. Sure I have friends but no one who will just be there for me anytime that I need someone. Maybe why this break-up has been so ridiculously hard on me. I'm running out of distractions and everyday just feels like a mirror image of the one before. The mornings and nights are the worst. I just feel like my life is over. I know that its not but it's so hard to imagine a future without her. It hurts me so much.
I really don't think I have ever felt this much pain in my entire life. Maybe its just a combination of everything that has gone wrong in my life. My mom, my dog, and now Amanda. I just want to feel better but I keep just staying where I'm at or getting worse. There is such a big part of me that just hopes she will come back to me. I know she isn't though and every time I let myself believe she will come back I just set myself up for misery.
I just really thought our relationship was special. I know it had its flaws but she made me happy. I just wish she felt the same way about me as I do about her. I wish she wanted to spend more time with me. I wish she wanted me to hang out with her and her friends more. I wish she felt comfortable with me in her life and having her own independence. It just kills me because I know that I can make her happier than anyone ever could. I would make it my goal in life if she gave me a second chance. I can't dwell on what ifs though. I need to accept the reality of the situation. She's done with me for a while.
This really wouldn't be this hard if I didn't let myself fall so deeply in love with her. I just don't think and don't want to ever stop loving her. I love her more than I have ever loved anything. She was the brightest part of my life and now she's gone.
Maybe I just have issues with letting go. I mean I'm starting to feel like the things I love most are just gonna be torn apart from me. My mom was, my dog was, and now Amanda is. I know the first two were by death but this feels similar. Our relationship is over and it just hurts so badly. There's only one thing I know for certain though. I love Amanda Crissman. I know my life would be easier if I didn't but I find myself holding on to this hoping that if I don't let our love die it will eventually work out. I always thought that love would always overcome. I guess I was wrong.
I just want to know what to do next. I am trying to forget her but I think about her every second of every day. The part that hurts the most is that I know she isn't thinking about me as much. I have no control and she has all the control.
Maybe when I go to Europe in June I can stop thinking about her as much. That not for a few months though. I can't handle feeling like this anymore. I think this is going to drive me crazy. The only thing I am absolutely sure of is that I love her.
Well I've complained about my life enough for tonight. I don't think anyone will read this but if they do I'm sorry for being so pathetic. I wish I could be stronger.
-Jason