My Decision to not have Children
When the Mister and I got married fourteen years ago, we assumed we'd have kids. That's what you do, right? You get married, finish school, and then have kids.
Well, one day while doing grad school homework, I look up and realize it's my sister's 25th birthday. Then I realize, at this point, I'm older than my mother was by the time she'd had both my sister and I. And then I realize... "Wait, I haven't had kids yet... I don't HAVE to."
That weekend, because the Mister was working in Seattle at the time, about 2 hours from where I went to Grad School, I said, "We need to talk about kids."
His eyes got really big.
I said, "You know, I don't think I want them."
"Ohthankgod!" he breathed. "I was terrified that you were going to say we had to get started having them, and I didn't really think I wanted any either."
My complete and utter lack of maternal instinct was further demonstrated by the one pregnancy scare we'd had in five years of marriage at that point. Because my first thought was not, "I wonder if we could do this..." or "Would it have his eyes?" My first thought, "Oh crap, where the hell am I going to get the money for an abortion?" And that's what my thoughts continued to be, up until the point when it was obvious that there was no pregnancy and I could quit hyperventilating and counting the weeks between then and my next financial aid check.
Would I have spent my financial aid money on an abortion? You bet your sweet ass I would have.
I finally made the decision to get permanently sterilized when I was 34. I have not regretted it for a moment. Bush had just gotten re-elected and I knew that the Right would continue to chip away at women's reproductive freedom. I walked into my GYN, and said, "I want to be sterilized, and then launched into a ten minute spiel outlining my reasons. When I paused for a breath, she said, "Ok."
After hearing all of the difficulties friends and others had had getting sterilized, I stared at her.
"Ok?"
"You're in your 30s, and you've obviously put a lot of thought into this decision. Ok."
"Oh, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear that."
So for Christmas that year, I got fixed. I received the Essure sterilization, as they could go in vaginally and through the cervix, instead of having to have my abdomen inflated with gas and deal with the attendant discomfort of that. The only real discomfort was what my GYN referred to as an "insult to my cervix" as I'd never had children, my cervix had never had anything of substance passed through it. I had cramps of doom for about two or three days, and then... nothing.
I wound up staying on the pills for another year until I could get an ablation, because my uterus is mighty and I bleed constantly, or I did. Now thanks to the ablation I have an almost normal period. It's much, much lighter than it was and sometimes it skips a month, and I'm ok with that.
Last week, in therapy, I talked with my therapist about just not getting the whole "Baby Rabies" thing. She told me that about 20% of women don't have that biological urge. They've done studies. I am, apparently, just part of that 20%. So, telling me what a super mom I'd make, or waving babies in front of me like little pink carrots, isn't going to make a lick of difference.
I don't hate kids. I'm actually very fond of them. Fond enough of them to not want to saddle any of them with a mom who's going to resent their intrusion on her life and freedoms. No one needs that.
Well, one day while doing grad school homework, I look up and realize it's my sister's 25th birthday. Then I realize, at this point, I'm older than my mother was by the time she'd had both my sister and I. And then I realize... "Wait, I haven't had kids yet... I don't HAVE to."
That weekend, because the Mister was working in Seattle at the time, about 2 hours from where I went to Grad School, I said, "We need to talk about kids."
His eyes got really big.
I said, "You know, I don't think I want them."
"Ohthankgod!" he breathed. "I was terrified that you were going to say we had to get started having them, and I didn't really think I wanted any either."
My complete and utter lack of maternal instinct was further demonstrated by the one pregnancy scare we'd had in five years of marriage at that point. Because my first thought was not, "I wonder if we could do this..." or "Would it have his eyes?" My first thought, "Oh crap, where the hell am I going to get the money for an abortion?" And that's what my thoughts continued to be, up until the point when it was obvious that there was no pregnancy and I could quit hyperventilating and counting the weeks between then and my next financial aid check.
Would I have spent my financial aid money on an abortion? You bet your sweet ass I would have.
I finally made the decision to get permanently sterilized when I was 34. I have not regretted it for a moment. Bush had just gotten re-elected and I knew that the Right would continue to chip away at women's reproductive freedom. I walked into my GYN, and said, "I want to be sterilized, and then launched into a ten minute spiel outlining my reasons. When I paused for a breath, she said, "Ok."
After hearing all of the difficulties friends and others had had getting sterilized, I stared at her.
"Ok?"
"You're in your 30s, and you've obviously put a lot of thought into this decision. Ok."
"Oh, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear that."
So for Christmas that year, I got fixed. I received the Essure sterilization, as they could go in vaginally and through the cervix, instead of having to have my abdomen inflated with gas and deal with the attendant discomfort of that. The only real discomfort was what my GYN referred to as an "insult to my cervix" as I'd never had children, my cervix had never had anything of substance passed through it. I had cramps of doom for about two or three days, and then... nothing.
I wound up staying on the pills for another year until I could get an ablation, because my uterus is mighty and I bleed constantly, or I did. Now thanks to the ablation I have an almost normal period. It's much, much lighter than it was and sometimes it skips a month, and I'm ok with that.
Last week, in therapy, I talked with my therapist about just not getting the whole "Baby Rabies" thing. She told me that about 20% of women don't have that biological urge. They've done studies. I am, apparently, just part of that 20%. So, telling me what a super mom I'd make, or waving babies in front of me like little pink carrots, isn't going to make a lick of difference.
I don't hate kids. I'm actually very fond of them. Fond enough of them to not want to saddle any of them with a mom who's going to resent their intrusion on her life and freedoms. No one needs that.