More Wacky Fun at Camelot
Still making my way through Le Morte d'Arthur. I've finally gotten up to the Quest for the Holy Grail. I thought it would be pretty funny if someone made a super-deformed webcomic about this book. But the problem is, there are so many knights who just get mentioned in passing or show up for a page or two; it would be really hard to make them all look distinctive. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell them apart.
I know there's Sir Galahad the Pure.
Sir Kay the Jerk@$$ Seneschal, and Giver of Demeaning Nicknames.
Sir Lancelot the Marty Stu.
Sir Tristram the Second-Only-to-Lancelot.
Sir Palomides the Jealous Backstabber, Until He's Christened.
Sir Lamorack Who's Pretty Cool, and Hangs Out with Tristram A Lot.
Sir Gawain Who's Kind of a Jerk, and Who Got His Brothers to Gang up on Sir Lamorack and Kill Him Unchivalrously and Behead Their Own Mother.
Sir Dinaden the Comic Relief.
Sir Gareth the Humble Nice Guy, also called "Pretty Hands" by Sir Kay
Sir Bors the Not-Quite-So-Pure-As-Sir-Galahad, Who Almost Kinda Saw the Holy Grail, And Who is a Virgin "Except For That One Time."
Anyway, so it's Crazy Times in Camelot!
[KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS all sit down to the High Feast of Pentecost.]
SIR KAY: Hey King Arthur, don't forget, it's your custom to not eat this annual feast until an adventure or miracle happens!
KING ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! I totally forgot that custom of mine!
RANDOM OLD MAN: My liege, a miracle has happened! A stone with a sword embedded in it just floated up on the river!
KING ARTHUR: Another one? This place is lousy with 'em!
[They all walk down to the river. On the sword is written "I can only be pulled out by the Best Knight Evah!"]
KING ARTHUR: Hey Lancelot--that must be you! Why don't you go to it?
SIR LANCELOT: Um, I don't think that sword belongs to me. Also, anyone who tries and fails is destined to be horribly wounded by that same sword! DUN-DUN-DUUUUUHHNNN!
KING ARTHUR: Okay, then, Sir Gawain, you give it a try!
SIR GAWAIN: Hey, if Lancelot isn't gonna try, I'm not gonna try either.
KING ARTHUR: Gawain, pull out the sword. That is a royal order.
SIR GAWAIN: *grumble grumble* If you insist. But I'm gonna regret this SO HARD. [Sir Gawain tries and fails.]
KING ARTHUR: Oops, my bad! Sorry, Gawain.
SIR PERCIVAL: Why don't I give it a try? And if I fail, at least Gawain won't be alone with his Destiny of Suck! [Sir Percival tries and fails.]
KING ARTHUR: Oh, well--sorry, you guys!
[Sir Galahad rides up, like, a half hour later, armed with only a scabbard.]
SIR GALAHAD: Hi everybody! I'm new here!
KING ARTHUR: Hey new guy, check out this sword in a stone!
SIR GALAHAD: Hey, it's my sword! [pulls it out with no problem, and puts it in his scabbard.] I was totally looking for that!
[Sir Gawain grumbles and wonders why his king couldn't have waited, like, a half hour.]
[Then they all go eat the High Feast. When Suddenly! The Holy Grail floats into the room, covered in white samite. It makes all the knights temporarily prettier, and fills their plates with their favorite meals. They all stare in mute wonder until it floats away.]
SIR GALAHAD: I vow to quest for the Holy Grail starting tomorrow! Even if it takes me a year and a day! Or even longer!
ROUND TABLE KNIGHTS: Me, too!*
[*despite the fact that it has been prophecied, on multiple occasions, that Galahad is destined to find it.]
KING ARTHUR: Awww man, Galahad! You've totally ruined my court! I had all these great knights around me, and now they're all gonna disperse across the world, and some of them will die on this quest, and they'll never be gathered together like this ever again! [weeps like a little girl]
[Queen Guenevire runs to her chambers and weeps like a baby]
[The Round Table Knights weep like men who've just had their ears ripped off]
SIR LANCELOT: It could be worse, my king. At least they're going to die on a noble quest.
KING ARTHUR: Oh Lancelot, I'm going to miss you most of all! You're my best friend ever!
SIR LANCELOT: Hey, where'd the queen go?
I know there's Sir Galahad the Pure.
Sir Kay the Jerk@$$ Seneschal, and Giver of Demeaning Nicknames.
Sir Lancelot the Marty Stu.
Sir Tristram the Second-Only-to-Lancelot.
Sir Palomides the Jealous Backstabber, Until He's Christened.
Sir Lamorack Who's Pretty Cool, and Hangs Out with Tristram A Lot.
Sir Gawain Who's Kind of a Jerk, and Who Got His Brothers to Gang up on Sir Lamorack and Kill Him Unchivalrously and Behead Their Own Mother.
Sir Dinaden the Comic Relief.
Sir Gareth the Humble Nice Guy, also called "Pretty Hands" by Sir Kay
Sir Bors the Not-Quite-So-Pure-As-Sir-Galahad, Who Almost Kinda Saw the Holy Grail, And Who is a Virgin "Except For That One Time."
Anyway, so it's Crazy Times in Camelot!
[KING ARTHUR and his KNIGHTS all sit down to the High Feast of Pentecost.]
SIR KAY: Hey King Arthur, don't forget, it's your custom to not eat this annual feast until an adventure or miracle happens!
KING ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! I totally forgot that custom of mine!
RANDOM OLD MAN: My liege, a miracle has happened! A stone with a sword embedded in it just floated up on the river!
KING ARTHUR: Another one? This place is lousy with 'em!
[They all walk down to the river. On the sword is written "I can only be pulled out by the Best Knight Evah!"]
KING ARTHUR: Hey Lancelot--that must be you! Why don't you go to it?
SIR LANCELOT: Um, I don't think that sword belongs to me. Also, anyone who tries and fails is destined to be horribly wounded by that same sword! DUN-DUN-DUUUUUHHNNN!
KING ARTHUR: Okay, then, Sir Gawain, you give it a try!
SIR GAWAIN: Hey, if Lancelot isn't gonna try, I'm not gonna try either.
KING ARTHUR: Gawain, pull out the sword. That is a royal order.
SIR GAWAIN: *grumble grumble* If you insist. But I'm gonna regret this SO HARD. [Sir Gawain tries and fails.]
KING ARTHUR: Oops, my bad! Sorry, Gawain.
SIR PERCIVAL: Why don't I give it a try? And if I fail, at least Gawain won't be alone with his Destiny of Suck! [Sir Percival tries and fails.]
KING ARTHUR: Oh, well--sorry, you guys!
[Sir Galahad rides up, like, a half hour later, armed with only a scabbard.]
SIR GALAHAD: Hi everybody! I'm new here!
KING ARTHUR: Hey new guy, check out this sword in a stone!
SIR GALAHAD: Hey, it's my sword! [pulls it out with no problem, and puts it in his scabbard.] I was totally looking for that!
[Sir Gawain grumbles and wonders why his king couldn't have waited, like, a half hour.]
[Then they all go eat the High Feast. When Suddenly! The Holy Grail floats into the room, covered in white samite. It makes all the knights temporarily prettier, and fills their plates with their favorite meals. They all stare in mute wonder until it floats away.]
SIR GALAHAD: I vow to quest for the Holy Grail starting tomorrow! Even if it takes me a year and a day! Or even longer!
ROUND TABLE KNIGHTS: Me, too!*
[*despite the fact that it has been prophecied, on multiple occasions, that Galahad is destined to find it.]
KING ARTHUR: Awww man, Galahad! You've totally ruined my court! I had all these great knights around me, and now they're all gonna disperse across the world, and some of them will die on this quest, and they'll never be gathered together like this ever again! [weeps like a little girl]
[Queen Guenevire runs to her chambers and weeps like a baby]
[The Round Table Knights weep like men who've just had their ears ripped off]
SIR LANCELOT: It could be worse, my king. At least they're going to die on a noble quest.
KING ARTHUR: Oh Lancelot, I'm going to miss you most of all! You're my best friend ever!
SIR LANCELOT: Hey, where'd the queen go?